Boy, You Is a LAZY Bastard! Teen Allegedly Pulls Two of the Laziest Bank Jobs in History from the Comfort of Mama's Car in the Bank Drive-Thru...

I really don't care for half-ass efforts. Have some pride in what you do, regardless of the activity. You don't try to pull a jewel heist with a fishing pole, and you don't try to whack somebody out with a Nerf hammer. Likewise, if you wanna pull a damn bank job, at least have the common decency of ENTERING the joint!

But cops in Utah say a lazy 16-year-old boy just had to mail it in, half-ass style, on two bank jobs he allegedly pulled last week inside the space of 20 minutes. First of all, the little shit didn't even have the courtesy to take his own ride to these pieces of work, instead taking Mama's car to the jobs (allegedly).

Then once at the banks, the young punk couldn't even muster up the motivation to physically enter the banking premises -- instead allegedly pulling through the banks' drive-thru's and sending stick-up notes through those little banking tube canisters!

And people wonder why the rotten little young creeps these days are so damn lazy: This punk's halfhearted efforts were actually REWARDED by tellers, who gave him some cash through the drive-thru canisters in both instances! "It is weird that it worked, but it worked twice," said the local cops.

Then the lazy teen couldn't even see fit to return Mama's car to her, instead abandoning the vehicle nearby and sauntering down the street (allegedly). Mama was reportedly later "definitely surprised" by this behavior for some reason, says the linked story.

Meantime cops arrested the teen as he strolled along the street, after which the lazy tot (allegedly) presumably got to spend a lazy day sitting on his ass down at the Juvy. Can't we bring back the chain gangs for these lazy punks? Someone needs to light a damn fire!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/26/teen-borrows-mom-car-to-rob-bank_n_1302315.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2106870/Teen-arrested-robbing-TWO-banks-comfort-mothers-car-passing-notes-drive-windows.html

Pundit democrat: "Thanks, GOP Candidates, For Move to Far Right!" AS IF There's a Single Thing About the democrat party That's "Moderate" or Centrist!

The above quote comes from the headline to a Politico.com column this week written by some democrat party person named Jennifer Granholm (never heard of her). It's in reference to the deranged right-winger gop-er presidential field and how they've tried to move way to the right to appear to be the most "true conservative" candidate to the republic partisan party's far right-winger base.

That criticism in itself is not only fair, but it's also true. But that's not what caught my attention. Instead, I'm amused by the highly smug, arrogant tone and theme of the article, which very much presupposes that there's absolutely nothing extremist or radical about the sad modern incarnation of the American democrat party!

Nothing new to me, however. People loyal to the democrat party seem to have this weird delusion that they are somehow in the mainstream of the country. It leads them, for example, to maintain until they're blue in the face that Obama (perhaps the most left-wing so-called president in American history) is some sort of "moderate." And the thing is -- I think many of them actually believe that line of bullshit.

So let's set the record straight with a little American political culture 101: The democrat party is controlled and bankrolled by its base -- the roughly 20% of the American population comprised of self-described "liberals" and "progressives." (I personally coined the phrase and call them "leftist 20 percenters" because they don't deserve the respect of being called the names they've chosen for themselves).

That's the American far-left. It is virtually one and the same with the democrat party. And there's nothing centrist, "moderate" or mainstream about it. If you're a part of the leftist 20 percenters, then you're decently represented by the democrat party. But unfortunately, that leaves about 80% of the rest of the American population.

So let's not cast so many stones, democrat party, about how far right-wing, out-of-touch and extremist the gop'ers are. That not only goes without saying. But it also in no way eviscerates the cold hard fact that you are little different from them. Two peas in the same extremist pod, as I like to say.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0212/73337.html

Body Damage: Plump Buck-Naked Broad in San Fran Reportedly Goes Berzerk on Man's Windshield for No Good Reason -- All Out in the Middle of the Street!

He just wanted to take his car in for some repairs, and all he got for his efforts was a lotta more hurt! And this plus-sized broad must REALLY hate Volvos -- or at least Volvos driven by skinny people who are fully clothed...

25-year-old John Knight of San Francisco probably wouldn't have even been out on the road one Saturday earlier this month if not for the fact that he needed take his Volvo in for repair work. And little did he know just how big that repair job was gonna be!

Knight says he was driving through Noe Valley when he came to a stop and saw a big, burly broad -- weighing in at around 250 pounds -- wrapped in a blanket with a bunch of (obviously deranged) gawkers surrounding her. And that's when all hell broke loose...

Next, and no for apparent good reason, the ample dame threw off her blanket to reveal that she was wearing nothing but a pair of walking shoes. Without a stitch of clothes (or, apparently, a stitch of sense), this leafless lard lady made a beeline straight to Knight's Volvo and allegedly went ape (as pictured at the top).

Knight says this bare-skinned big-ass broad first leapt up on his hood and put a big boot to his windshield -- shattering it with a single fell stomp (pics above). And she was just getting warmed up at that point, as she continued kicking at the lifeless Swedish import vehicle until the cops showed up to finally put an end to her big fat foot attack (allegedly).

For some reason, cops hauled in the buck naked boot babe for a psychiatric evaluation. (No word whether the gawkers staring at a naked fat chick were hauled in for evaluation themselves).

Meantime Knight thinks insurance will cover the damage and he says he's not interested in pressing any charges. Now that's a classy guy putting his best foot forward -- especially since he doesn't have to foot the bill on this one.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2012/02/25/BA9M1NCBS0.DTL
http://sfist.com/2012/02/24/large_naked_woman_stomps_on_car_in.php
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2106463/Heavyset-woman-wearing-TRAINERS-stomps-windscreen-mans-car.html

"Fuck You, You Son of a Bitch, Now It's My Turn!" Hero 90-Year-Old Blasts Alleged Slimeball Burglar After Getting Shot in the Damn Face!

You picked the wrong old fart codger to screw around with, scumbait. 90-year-old fitness buff Jay Leone (pictured above and below) of Greenbrae, California says 30-year-old skunkwad ex-con felon Samuel Joseph Cutrufelli broke into Leone's joint and "held a gun to his head demanding valuables." Bad move.

That's because the crafty coffin-dodger (whom I swear is probably Burt Reynolds' long-lost older brother) quickly improvised a subterfuge premised upon a ruse that he (Leone) needed to use the shithouse.

And this badass old coot came out that crapper with more than just a lovegun in his hands, as he was able to retrieve a sidearm he'd squirreled away there -- in particular, a .38 Smith and Wesson revolver. A bona fide gunfight broke out from there...

This sewerwagon Cutrufelli got in the first big blow, allegedly shooting the old geezer right in the face. In particular, a bullet from Cutrufelli's gun entered the old timer's "jaw area and exited the back of his neck," although "without causing a fatal wound."

The fired-up old fossil says he never even realized he'd been shot -- "I never felt a thing," he says. Meaning he had plenty left in the tired old tank to still go after the creepjob alleged burglar with the same piece with which this angry oldster had just emerged from the shitter.

"Fuck you, you son of a bitch, now it's my turn!," the old bat says he then screamed at the much younger goonbag. At that, the grizzled old greatgrandpa says he fired off three shots right into the swinebucket's stomach!

The gray-haired, gun-playin' geriatric guy says he then wrestled around with this scuzshow, until the fiend (realizing he was out of bullets) scurried away like the cowardly swine that he is (allegedly).

The facial gunshot wound laid up the old ossified Leone in the hospital something good, but not quite good enough to prevent the old-fangled gunfighter from appearing -- big swollen, bandaged face and all -- at this crudjacket Cutrufelli's preliminary hearing this week on charges of "attempted murder, burglary, robbery and firearms offenses by a felon."

So what we basically had here was the good old (literally) fashioned American hero against the garden variety crumb-bucket bully criminal (allegedly). And the good guy won. To all the sleazeshows nation and worldwide today: WTF you gonna do about it?

http://www.marinij.com/rosskentfieldgreenbrae/ci_19991503
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2103956/F-you-son-b--Now-s-turn--How-90-year-old-man-returned-burglar-didn-t-realize-d-shot-himself.html

Obama: "I've Got Another Five Years Coming Up" as President. My, Aren't We Full of Ourselves?!?

That was a flat out stupid statement by the individual we currently have as president, who's often described by leftist 20 percenters as the most intelligent president in American history and one of the smartest men currently residing anywhere in the civilized world. Going beyond mere confidence in his reelection chances (which is fine and expected) to actually acting like his reelection is a foregone conclusion. A simple formality. Inevitable.

That level of arrogance ain't likely to sit so well with the people who decide your election outcomes. I already know this Independent won't be voting for Obama (nor the gop-er either), but what about all the other Independents (1) who haven't yet made up their minds and (2) will be making a lesser-of-two-evils choice between the democrat party and republic partisan party? On his next vacation or golf outing, methinks Obama might want to break out for a little shopping with Michelle and invest in a muzzle.

http://www.politico.com/politico44/2012/02/obama-ive-got-five-years-left-to-solve-immigration-115342.html

Why Not Just Draw 'Em a Map: Hungry "Burglar" Allegedly Knocks Over Partyshop But Gets Nabbed After Cops Follow a Trail of Candy Wrappers to His Door!

It's never difficult to find Jose. Always leaves a trail of rubbish behind him. Allegedly...

I'll say this: He must've been famished. Real famished. Since cops in Eloy, Arizona say Jose Lopez, Jr. (mug shot above) just couldn't keep his sweet tooth in check last week when he went to pull a heist down at the local party shop.

Sure (cops say), Lopez made sure to pocket some loot during this piece of work -- a couple grand in cash and jewelry. But it was the joint's candy inventory that really seemed to captivate this walking Nestle Crunch Bar (allegedly). "All the chocolates were gone, completely," complained the store's owner.

And not only that -- Lopez wasn't just gonna haul that sweet score away like so many necklaces and dead presidents. Nope. He was gonna eat it. Right there. Right then. And ALL the way home, baby!

That's why it took cops some "old fashioned police work" to solve this one. Noticing a trail of chocolate bar wrappers leading away from the store, the thought occurred to someone that maybe they oughta just follow that there trail.

And a smart move it was. Cops say they were able to follow the trail of candy debris for a quarter mile -- straight (you guessed it) to Lopez's pad. And it's not like the chocolate bar remnants are the only evidence the cops have here...

They've reportedly also been able to match a footprint from the party shop to a footprint along the wrapper trail. Needless to say, the latter footprint was "surrounded by candy wrappers."

Now Lopez may have to listen to the Snickers of others for some time to come down at the hoosegow, since cops have busted his candy ass on three charges of burglary, theft and possession of pot. But how he's escaping justice for all that damn littering, I have no idea. C'mon and give a hoot, cops!

http://abcnews.go.com/News/arizona-thief-leaves-candy-wrapper-trail-police/story?id=15722214#.T0BY8ocgdDs
http://www.abc15.com/dpp/news/region_central_southern_az/other/crook-breaks-in-to-bakery
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2103034/Dumb-burglar-grabbed-candy-break-leads-police-straight-door-trail-sweet-wrappers.html

He Got a Ride, All Right -- Straight to the Hoosegow: Florida Man Calls 911 So that Cops Will Call Him a Damn Taxi!

I wonder if cops might have been a little more sympathetic if 55-year-old Michael Barker (pictured immediately above) would have called 911 and said he needed a dentist rather than a taxi. Perhaps not...

As reported this week on legendary website The Smoking Gun, Barker (of Hudson, Florida) apparently really felt he was in need of taxi last weekend -- since he reportedly called 911 over and over again (nearly a dozen times), imploring cops to get on the blower for him and get a cab to his unspecified location out on the street.

Cops say that when they finally located Barker and his cell phone (no word why he couldn't use said phone to call a taxi himself), Barker was -- you guessed it -- preoccupied with talking to 911 yet again to hail him a cab.

But getting in a taxi wasn't the only pressing item on this coot's agenda, it seems. During his various calls to 911, he also reportedly advised cops that he had lost his prized football. Not to mention, he also allegedly gave cops a polite heads up that he "was standing on his head atop a telephone pole."

In fact, however, Barker had not actually clumb up any telephone pole, although it's entirely unclear from the linked story whether he might have actually been positioned upside down when cops found him on the street near a church.

Once Barker got wind that the cops were on his case, he allegedly tried to hide by plastering a blanket over his head (you'd of thunk he'd be asking where the hell his taxi was). But with cops still being able to see the rest of Barker's person even despite the towel subterfuge, cops slapped the ol' cuffs on the deranged taxi patron.

Down at the joint, once cops were finally able to get Barker to pose for an identifiable mugshot (a cop's hands were apparently necessary to help Barker "put his best face forward"), they booked his demented cabbie ass for 911 misuse. I just wonder, when Barker presumably bonds out (his bail's only 150 bucks) -- will cops finally call him that taxi so that he can get home?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/man-calls-911-for-taxi-765912

Rick Santorum Staffer: Obama Needs to Rein In His "Radical Islamic Policies." Say What? Methinks Ricky Needs to Rein In His Campaign Aids...

In case you don't follow the political circus very closely (and I couldn't blame you), Santorum is the one right-winger still left standing to try to thwart stand-for-nothing King Flipflopper Mitt Romney from garnering the gop-er presidential nomination this year. And Santorum's staffers have really been running their mouths lately...

The latest gaffe came yesterday, when Santorum spokesman Alice Stewart was giving an interview to democrat party shill Andrea Mitchell on MSNBC. In the interview, Stewart complained about Obama's "radical Islamic policies."

First off, while it's not typically the type of nomenclature that I would use, I guess referring to Obama's policies in general as "radical" is within the bounds of permissible political rhetoric, since he is (with a few arguable exceptions) about the most left-wing president in American history.

But if you're going to call Obama and the leftist 20 percenter base of the democrat party "radical," then methinks the same term needs to be applied to the deranged right-winger base of the republic partisan party. Both extremes are fairly equally out of touch and divergent from the mainstream of this country. But I digress.

So leaving aside the whole "radical" thing -- Obama's radical "Islamic" policies??? That's a new one to me. What, is Obama going around trying to pull a Sgt. Brady from Showtime's "Homeland" series and secretly praying to Allah every night out in the White House garage? Please.

For her part, Stewart now claims that she meant to say, "radical environmental policies." Sure she did. It's easy to see how one could naturally confuse and interchange existing leftist policies relating to the air, land and water with nonexistent policies relating to imposing Muslim fundamentalism across the United States. When did Obama convert, anyway?

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0212/73084.html

Don't Interrupt This Man's Shopping: Portly Man Allegedly Goes Berserk on Cops For Disrupting His Buck Naked Walmart Shopping Spree!

Hey, he may have been naked, but at least it appears he was shopping for new clothes (allegedly). And it sounds like he cared none too much for his old threads (or those who might make him put them back on), either...

Surveillance video from Exton, Pennsylvania, first appears to show 6'4", 300-pound Verdon Lamont Taylor doing a little impromptu strip tease out in the parking lot "as cars swerved around him." And he took it all off (allegedly).

Relieved of his old rags, the next natural thing to do, of course, would be to head inside the Walmart to shop for some new duds. And that's precisely what Taylor (a fitting name for a man so conscious of how he looks) allegedy did.

The video appears to show Taylor calmly strutting into the store as if he owned the joint. He then starts to wander about as curmudgeony customers tried to avoid him.

Directly, this bare-skinned bald man spotted the first item he liked for his new wardrobe -- a pair of socks sitting on a counter. But like any savy shopper, Taylor made sure to confirm that first impression by trying on the tube socks.

"Slowly and methodically," this stark-naked sock man put one sock on each of his feets. And them's a keeper (apparently)! Because Taylor's next move was to start wandering around some more (I'm guessing the gloves section was next).

But then the cops showed up to rain all over this guy's leafless parade. Wrong move. Taylor first allegedly took a big spit in one cop's face! Then he allegedly struggled with the cops as they tried to detain him. And it wasn't 'til the cops zapped Taylor with a stun gun that his little stripped-down shopping stint finally came to an end.

Cops busted Taylor and arraigned him (fully clothed) on a bevy of charges for alleged assault, theft, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. But at least down at the hoosegow, he's finally been gussied up with some new wearing apparel like he was hoping for.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/watch-naked-man-caught-surveillance-video-walmart-soxcapade-article-1.1024395?localLinksEnabled=false
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2102506/Naked-300lb-man-tasered-police-walked-Walmart-pair-socks.html

"He's Got Some 'Splaining to Do," and His Name Ain't Even Lucy: Old Man "Accidentally" Fires Up a Damn Porno for Kids at Child's Birthday Party...

"Gather round, children, gather round. The next item on the party agenda is a special added attraction. We're gonna watch The Smurfs Movie!!! And here we go!" But as the Surround Sound then features a voice screeching, "Give it to me 'til I turn blue Big Daddy," it quickly becomes apparent to all in attendance that that ain't Smurfette and Papa Smurf up on that damn big screen!...

It all started pleasantly enough last week in Tremonton, Utah, where the old man had a bunch of little shits over to his joint to celebrate his grade school kid's birthday. And the old man had a big show stopper in mind -- playing The Smurfs Movie on DVD for all the little tikes and tots.

But when the old man went to get the film started, he claims he "accidentally switched on porn for the youngsters instead of the much more child-friendly film choice." And cops say the little kids all saw the porn goin' down (for lack of a better phrase) before the old man had a chance to switch it the hell off.

The old man tried to claim that someone had tampered with the Smurfs DVD and had stuck a hardcore porn film on there instead, but the cops didn't buy it. Instead, they suspect the porn was the old man's own, although they aren't charging him with anything since they believe it was actually an "accidental" push of the buttons that pulled out the porn for the little punks.

Still though, having the porn on hand in the first place has reportedly "left the dad embarrassed by the mistake." As the local police chief [named Ricky Ricardo?] says, "He got some explaining to do" (actual quote).

Although, frankly, I'm not sure why. Who gives a rat's ass if the old man gots a little legal porn around. Now, he does need to start paying a lot closer attention to detail so that he never again exposes minors to porn (even if by accident), 'cause that ain't cool at all.

But as to having the smut in the first instance: No further explanation necessary -- leastways not in my book. As for his old lady, however: Different story, I'd imagine. But that aspect of things simply ain't within my purview.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2100804/Dad-switches-PORN-instead-The-Smurfs-movie-childs-birthday-party.html

Obama Campaign Guy Tweets that Chimichangas May Be Only Thing republic partisans Can Offer Latinos. Why Are Chimichangas Being Unfairly Singled Out?

I guess this creepy-looking goof (who looks like a slug out of a bad James Bond movie) for one second thought that he'd become a right-winger, because this is the sort of foolishness you more often hear coming from their mouths. Obama campaign manager Jim Messina (pictured above) this week tweeted his approval and endorsement of a Washington Post column (written by loony leftist Dana Milbank) saying that "the chimichanga . . . may be the only thing [r]epublicans have left to offer Latinos."

OH, OK, Mr. Obama's Man!: So if you're talking about Hispanic Americans, then naturally the only thing that comes to mind is an Hispanic dish, right? Since all Mexican and Hispanic Americans are alike? And they all eat and love chimichangas? And never eat anything other than Hispanic food, no? Especially chimichangas, correct?

Truth be told, I'm being a bit facetious over here and mostly just mimicking the typical leftist 20 percenter rant anytime a right-winger makes one of these stupid sorts of comments. For the record, it's a dumb comment. But does it make Messina or Milbank (or, for that matter, any right-winger who might've instead uttered it) a "racist"? Please.

But I can't say I'm going to lose any sleep over a democrat party person getting heat over such a comment. Not when the same leftist 20 percenter democrat party partisans -- for the entire duration of Obama's so-called presidency -- have incessantly pounded us over the head with the absurd talking point that to disagree with them or Obama on much of anything is essentially an act of racism.

So what's good for the deranged right-winger is good for the loony left-winger, methinks. But what I still don't get is that out of all possible Mexican or Hispanic dishes to choose from, Milbank and Obama's Man chose to single out chimichangas? Isn't giving preference to one form of a minority group's cuisine over another just a bit racist, in and of itself? Think that one over and get back to me, leftists.

http://thehill.com/blogs/twitter-room/other-news/210859-gop-demands-apology-for-obama-campaign-managers-chimichanga-tweet

"Youthful Challenger Takes on Chavez in Venezuela." Methinks the Leftist Dictator Best Get Obama on the Blower and Call in a Favor or Something...

The leftist socialist authoritarian dictator Chavez (whom Obama gleefully glad-hands in the above picture from 2009) may just face a decent October election challenge from this much younger presidential candidate named Henrique Capriles (pictured at the top) (link to story at bottom).

Which is why the good leftist dictator and all-around slimeball buffoon cartoon character Chavez may just want to leave nothing to chance: Enlist the thuggish, bullying, unscrupulous Obama propaganda machine to take a big bite out of this whippersnapper upstart.

And quite the machine it is: The Chicago Wormjobs (David Axelrod & Co.); Media Matters; MoveOn.org; Daily Kos; MSNBC; etc., etc. Shit, I sure as hell wouldn't want all those nefarious leftist 20 percenter slugbaits all over my ass. Pick up the horn, Chavez, and let those fat little dictatorial fingers do the walkin'! That little call may just prove more valuable than 1,000 rigged election and vanquished free media efforts combined!

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/L/LT_VENEZUELA_CHAVEZS_CHALLENGER?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2012-02-13-18-26-43

So Sore as to Take a Swipe at Him? Mama Allegedly Tries to Punch Out Junior While Attending ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS!

I'm trying to imagine how this went down. "Hi, I'm Misty, and I have an anger management problem -- now please excuse me for a second while I go beat the living shit out of my son." What's next? Some drunk holding a keg party outside an AA session? Some junkie having a needle break-out session down at the next NA meeting?

This story from last week apparently started innocently enough, with 30-year-old Misty Lawson of Louisville (pictured in the mugshot immediately above) participating in an anger management session. But things went awry real quick-like, because next thing you know Mama was allegedly clocking her 10-year-old son right in the kisser!

Cops say the old lady -- who's now charged with assault -- messed the kid up pretty decent, too -- specifically, to the tune of "redness to the eye, knuckle bruise on right cheek, and bruise on side."

For her part, Mama seems to have all sorts of excuses for allegedly going berserk on Sonny. Mama's first line of defense is that she really didn't pummel the kid's face too badly. "They make it sound like I beat my child like [I'd beat] an adult," crowed the madman mommy.

Next up is Mama's claim that Sonny had a good pounding coming to him after he called her a "bitch" during the anger management session -- since namecalling always justifies a knuckle sandwich, of course.

But even that tune apparently changed later, as now Mama's claiming self-defense as a result of the 10-year-old boy "attacking" her for no good reason during the counseling session.

I just hope that any court sentence that results from this incident involves no further anger management therapy for Mama (or the boy, for that matter). The rest of the world just can't take the excitement, I'm afraid.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/mom-hits-son-at-anger-management-765812

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2099578/Mother-punched-10-year-old-son-DURING-anger-management-class.html

Samuel L. Jackson: "I Hope Obama Gets Scary in the Next Four Years, 'Cuz He Ain't Gotta Worry About Getting Re-Elected."

That statement came during an N-word-filled recent rant (err, interview) by Jackson in Ebony Magazine (link below). Leaving aside the highly crass language, you've got to hand it to Jackson for having a point: If you're not facing re-election, why NOT use that second term to get "scary" and stick it to everyone even worse than the first time around?

Too many folks, after all, hold to this rather naive and antiquated notion that a president's job is to, you know, represent the American people as a whole (as opposed to a little 20% leftist sliver of the population). But perish that thought. It's just too scary.

http://www.politico.com/blogs/click/2012/02/samuel-l-jackson-rants-about-obama-race-114201.html

New Study Finds (1) Online Dating & (2) Meeting Through Friends Now Most Popular Ways to Start Relationship: BOR-ING, & So Much for Bars & Phonebooks!

I'm from the old school. If you want to meet some broads and start up a relationship that's worth lasting, you don't get on a computer or rely on others. Make your own path: Hit the bars! And if that doesn't work: Hit the bars again!

And that ain't even the only option. I'd advise any young punk to try some of the following stuff before ever resorting to Match.com or depending on some other person to set you up. Nearly any of my 10 suggestions are preferable to any of that dorky shit:

-Meet a broad while you're sloshed down at the end of the bar. Maybe she'll feel sorry for ya.

-Meet her while she and/or you are blitzed out on the street after the bar closes.

-Try "accidentally" wandering into the ladies' shitter at the bar and striking up a conversation.

-Or if you're in the men's shithouse, scribble down and call some of those phone numbers from the stall wall. Ask yourself, whatdaya gots to lose?

-Tell the dame that the bartender has sent you over to get her number, and then later call the number yourself.

-Try working the bar with a pocket full a' corny pick-up lines ("I'm clairvoyant, I bet your number ends with a '10'"; "Last time I saw a face like yours, Mario Lopez was sticking a crown on top of it"). Since such lines have become largely discouraged and disfavored in modern times, you may just catch the little number off-guard over there.

-Sound out the skirt's political persuasion, and then start spouting a bunch of the appropriate partisan bullshit. (If she calls herself a "moderate" or apolitical, then just use a bunch of mush-mouth -- e.g. "I think I could either way on that one"; "I think both sides raise a good point").

-As an alternative to the above-referenced street routine, when the bar closes tell the chick: "I've lost my keys, my phone's outta battery, my friends are gone, and I gots no way a' gettin' home, babe." (And if necessary: You also have to get up "super early" for work).

And even the bar's not the only viable option:

-If really desperate, open up the phone book and just start cold-calling.

-Finally, two words: Grocery Store.

http://lifestyle.aol.co.uk/2012/02/06/online-dating-becomes-second-most-popular-way-to-meet-new-partne/

No Fish Story: Teacher Spawns Big Stench After Spraying "Fish-Smelling" 10-Year-Old Boy with a Damn Bottle of Air Freshener!

There's something fishy going on here. A grade school teacher in Canada has been slapped with a suspension for choosing to fish instead of cutting bait and "trying to mask the smell of fish on a young student by spraying him with Febreze" (links at bottom). The kid's old lady raised one hell of a stink over the incident, which now has the sleepy little island town of Twillingate, Newfoundland more buzzbaited than a pack of Friday night fish fry patrons in Nebraska.

This story started crooked as a barrel of fishhooks, with the local elementary school serving fried fish to the kids one day last week. The putrid-smelling little punk reportedly came out that mess hall and started really stinkin' up the joint with the foul stench of fish. BTW, the precise connection between eating fish and having one's entire person then smelling like a big dead fish is not entirely clear from the linked stories.

Regardless, according to his old lady (named Patti Rideout; pictured below), this little stinkpot reportedly stunk so bad that he couldn't even fish for a compliment from classmates, who swarmed like a school of fish and gave the kid the business something real bad over his foul odor. So Teach first reportedly made Fish Boy stand out in the hall for an hour in an apparent attempt to give the stench an opportunity to dissipate.

But with nothing doin' on that front, reportedly, Teach then took the next logical step and tried to fumigate the malodorous little man with a big can of air freshener! And while it wasn't a can of RAID that was utilized, the kid's above-pictured old lady has opened up a whole can of worms by complaining to the school that her little shit was treated like a fish out of water and was "embarrassed, bullied and [treated] disgracefully."

"I think my son was not treated like a human being - I think he was treated like a dog or a cat," crowed the fumin' Mama. Now while I might agree that this fish-rot tot was more or less treated like a shithouse, what kind of a person would spray a dog or cat with Febreze? That would be animal cruelty. And a little tike ain't no damn animal. So methinks Mama overstates her case a bit here.

But the school apparently doesn't agree and has now sent Teach on her own little fishing expedition, a/k/a home suspension. Still, though, Mama is playin' the cold fish, saying she ain't satisfied -- neither fish nor fowl -- and will not be fully satisfied until Teach both (1) says Teach is sorry and (2) gets the hook straight to the unemployment line! Yeah, hand the broad her pink fish right in the middle of awful economic times. A damn fine kettle of fish that would be.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/story/2012/02/07/nl-twillingate-fish-student-reaction-207.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2098440/Teacher-suspended-spraying-fishy-smelling-Christian-Roberts-Febreze.html

Obama & Romney: Equally Pathetic Flip-floppers Willing to Say Just About Anything Perceived to be in Their Political Best Interest at that Moment...

I'd personally vote for a White Grill corndog over either Obama or Romney in November, but I will say this: If you vote for Obama on the basis of Romney being King Flip-flopper (which he is), then you truly are an idiot. Because Obama himself is Clown Prince Flip-flopper, so oftentimes for something right before he's against it (and vice versa)...

Take this week's news that Obama (with his personal campaign donations lagging behind expectations) will now fully embrace so-called "Super PAC" efforts on his behalf. (Super PACs, of course, being a special kind of political fundraising committee that's free under the law to raise unlimited amounts of money from corporations, unions and wealthy individuals to spend on advertisements supporting a particular candidate, and often not having to disclose the identity of donors until much later -- just so long as the political candidate does not coordinate directly with the Super PAC).

What you might personally think about the legality of Super PACs -- these committees have the potential to (and do) raise tremendous amounts of money to spend on both democrat party and republic partisan interests and candidates -- is largely irrelevant here. The fact is that Obama is now (with his own fundraising efforts faltering) suddenly and miraculously very supportive of Super PACs after consistently taking the position in the past that these committees are evil, treacherous, wrongful, and a proper subject of severe legal restrictions. To wit:

-Obama in his January 2010 State of the Union address, concerning the Citizens United decision striking down restrictions on Super PACs: "Last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections . . . I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people. And I'd urge [d]emocrats and [r]epublicans to pass a bill that helps to correct some of these problems."

-Obama speaking out against Super PACs in a rally in October 2010: "It could be the oil industry, it could be the insurance industry, it could even be foreign-owned corporations. You don't know because they don't have to disclose. Now that's not just a threat to [d]emocrats, that's a threat to our democracy."

Now, if you happen to be what I call (actually coined) a leftist 20 percenter American, then I fully get why you'll be voting for Obama in November. He's one of you. Who the hell else you gonna vote for?

But let's please stop any further charades, illusions or rhetoric that the individual we currently have as president is some sort of transcending, transformational political figure of the very highest moral character, principles and beliefs. He's just another sleazewad politician, little different from Romney. Feel free to vote for one of these two assclowns if you wish. But I decline.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/02/07/team-obama-wants-super-pac-spending-so-obama-can-stop-super-pac-spending-romney/
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0212/72531.html