Thursday, January 31, 2013

"Best Looking Contraction in U.S. GDP You'll Ever See!" Only Partisan Ideologues Would Put a Positive Spin on the First Shrinkage of the U.S. Economy in Over 3 Years...

Normally a decrease in the U.S. GDP for a quarter year is pretty dire news (as was just announced today for Q4 2012).  Even by the rigid definition of economists, we're officially back in a "recession" if this GDP decline keeps up for another quarter in 2013...

But leftist democrat party loons didn't let truths like these get in their way, trying to put a good news spin on Tuesday's rotten GDP news (link below) while also trying to blame it on that idiot W Bush.  (So which is it, leftists: A positive thing for which your Obama deserves praise, or a bad thing for which W Bush deserves blame? Make up your so-called minds! But I digress...)

Ya know, as mentioned above, only a leftist or right-wing partisan ideologue freak would try to positively spin something like today's sick news -- leastways, so long as the president at the time had the same letter next to his name as said ideologue.  Creeps.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Rusic to the Eyes: Cancel Cali, Pencil in Eastern Europe, to My List of Locations to Get to Before I Sleep with the Fishes...

She's been known variously as Rita Rusic and Rita Cecchi Gori (and probably some other things), but methinks I'll just call her Lovely Rita... 

This week the curvy Croation singer, actress and producer was spotted in Miami Beach makin' most of the local little numbers look a bit inadequate.

And oh yeah -- you'd never guess her age.  But when you look like this broad, who gives a rat's ass about such things!?!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

"Bipartisan Group of Senators Unveils Immigration Reform Plan." Works For Me. So NOW Can We Get Serious About the Debt & Deficit?

Answer:  Who the hell am I kidding over here? Debt and deficit concern? Not when you have one party which couldn't care less about the issue, and another party which routinely gives the issue little more than scant lip service.

Maybe when the DC politicians' new issue of the month (immigration reform) has run its course, we can return to "gun control" for several more months?

Followed thereafter by a little gay marriage and birth control, perhaps?

Always with their slimy little fingers on the most pressing issues of the day, these leftists and right-wingers.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Reports Greatly Exaggerated: Mickey Rourke Is NOT Dead!

(Link to hoax below).  Of course, the Mick's face passed away around 1993.  But I'm happy to report that the rest of his old carcass is still alive and kickin', baby!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Report: American Interrogators Used "Sesame Street, Rap, Heavy Metal in Torture of Prisoners." But They Could've Done a Lot Better Than That!

The report this week (link below), from the always reliable and trustworthy Al-Jazeera news agency, claims that interrogators blasted Sesame Street and another annoying songs to torture prisoners in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay...

But since many Sesame Street, rap and metal songs aren't at all annoying, methinks the effectivness of the torture would all depend on the selection of the particular play list. Here are ten songs/noise collections that I would personally select to really drive people out of their minds, if need be:

10. "Hail to the Chief":  A somewhat annoying tune to begin with, and that effect's only been sullied and intensified by what we've seen and had to experience rottenly over the past 13 years.

9. "Revolution 9" by The Beatles:  Especially if you're already somewhat mentally unhinged, then I'd wager that about two listens of this 8 minute-plus collage of weird sounds effects, chants, and wailing would officially send you straight to the nuthouse.

8. "You Had a Bad Day" from American Idol:  It would be the dictionary definition of "bad day": Being tortured by interrogators, coupled with having to listen to this sap song over and over at the same time.

7. "Love Is Blue" by Paul Mauriat:  This lovely but haunting old instrumental is OK to hear once, but I can certainly see how it would have a man fully deranged after several listens (see S2 Millennium episode entitled, "Room With No View"). Once every 20 years is about the most any common man could stand.

6. "Elmo's World Theme" from Sesame Street:  Bet this monstrosity was the #1 Sesame Street favorite of these interrogators.

5. "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond:  For my money, the most overplayed and annoying karaoke song of all-time. Good torture never seemed so easy.

4. Just about any Rod Stewart song ever (except for "Young Turks"):  Hot Rod always had the look and the voice; too bad the material typically pulled up the rear.

3. Incessant Camera Shutter Sound Effect from ABC's "Scandal":  This constant camera noise on the show is even more tortuous than the motor-mouthed dialogue of all the actors (which is saying something). Watching this show is like taking a Special Forces course in torture resistance.

2. University of Kansas Fight Song, "I'm a Jayhawk":  Worst. Most Brutal. Fight Song. EVER.

1. "Gangham Style" by PSY:  I hated this one the first time I ever heard it. I can only imagine how demented and broken I would be after hearing it 10 or 20 more times.  Do me a favor and just toss me in the ol' Snake Pit right now.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Obama's Inauguration Occurs This Week, & I Was Totally Oblivious! And Why Are We Even Spending Money on This Event?

I get why we have big, costly inauguration events whenever a new president is first elected. I'm fine with that tradition. But how about going forward, we end it when it comes to presidents who have been reelected?

Especially when we're still facing awful economic times, stifling unemployment, and an ever-growing $16 trillion plus national debt (which itself is in no small part due to the pathetic fiscal efforts of our current president). If Obama was 1/1000th the "new," "transcending" and "transformational" figure that he held himself out as five years ago, then he would have arrived at and made, on his own, this same suggestion and conclusion that I'm now making regarding reelection inaugurations.

But apart from being arguably the most left-wing president in American history, what precisely about Obama from Day One has ever been new, transcending, transformational, original or different than any other garden-variety slimeball democrat party or gop-er politician or president whom we've seen before? I'd submit: Absolutely Nothing.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Leftists Now Looking to Ban Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" For Its Myriad Gun References? Now THAT's Going Just a Bit Too Far...

"Steve walks warily down the street,
With the brim pulled way down low.
Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet,
Machine guns ready to go...
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat.
Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust.
And another one gone, and another one gone,
Another one bites the dust.
Hey, I'm gonna get you too.
Another one bites the dust!"

But let's calm down now: First off, the above headline is totally fabricated on my part. But would you really find it all that surprising these days, at this moment, if the leftists did try to lead a boycott or ban against such a song (perhaps with even some right-winger zealots joining them)? Methinks not...

Not when you have Obama running around like some sort of Dictator Light and threatening to foist more than twenty different executive orders upon us with "gun control" restraints.

On the substance of a fair amount of what Obama and the leftists 20 percenters propose on gun control, I really can't say I would have much of a problem...

But that's hardly the point: American presidents don't accomplish this sort of stuff with a slew of executive orders, which smacks of an authoritarian regime.

Just imagine if that idiot W Bush had tried to push at us a right-winger version of immigration reform by use of a couple dozen executive orders: The leftists would've been rioting in the damn streets! Hypocrites.

But enough already about "gun control," which is way down on my list of issues of pressing importance. Suffice it say, leftists: Just keep your damn slimy hands off my Freddie Mercury!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Right-Wingers, Leftists Conjure Up Nazis and Stalin in "Gun Control" Debate Over Overbearing Extremist Obama Versus Overbearing Extremist NRA...

Nazis and Stalin, uh? (Exemplar links below). And people wonder why I don't want any of these creeps on either extreme hanging around my "Rager's" saloon (as referenced Wednesday) and stinkin' up the joint with their rancid rhethoric and foul breath.

Regardless, after this week's Hitler/Stalin blasts, I'm now officially raising Rager's leftist/right-winger cover charge to TWENTY bucks at my joint just to get in the front door.

And just keep it up, you partisan fringe freaks, you: You're gonna price your sorry slimeball asses right out my joint, you skunks!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

"Conservative Restaurateur Charges Liberals $1 Surcharge on Drinks": Now THAT's an Idea! But What's Good for the Goofs Is Also Good for the Right-Wingers...

Story's from Utah (link below). I start by noting that the C-Word and the L-Word above are in quotes. I never use those words myself, since they're the terms the leftists and right-wingers have chosen for themselves, and they don't deserve the respect of being called their self-chosen monikers. But I digress...

This whole surcharge-on-the-leftists idea, I must admit, ain't half-bad. To set the bar:  Ya know, I've always wanted my own joint. I've heard before that there's nothing sweeter than sipping a drink inside a joint you can call your own. I'd call it "Rager's".

And if Rager's ever comes to fruition, I'm gonna borrow this Utah slimeball's idea -- although with an Independent twist: I think I'll institute a $10 buck per head cover charge for all loony leftist 20 percenters and all deranged right-wingers!

After all, I really don't want any of those partisan freaks near my joint, and it would be my right to slap their loudmouthed, group-thinkin' asses with a nice fat tax (leftists should appreciate that) for the honor of paying me to get f*cked up in my presence, with me there in person.

And as I borrow this Utah idea: Just look at this open-minded Independent over here! Willing to listen to and adopt ideas from all sides. Such a novel concept.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"White House Readies 19 Executive Orders On Guns"; Right-Wingers Go Ape-Shit! Do We Even Have a National Debt Anymore?

'Course we do -- A big, stifling $16 trillion of it, and ever-growing.  Between talkin' about the hot broads and stupid crimes, I ain't gonna shut up about it.  And no manner of incessant focus on gun control, gay marriage, legalizing marijuana, free birth control and other such much-lower on the pecking order issues from these leftists and right-wingers is ever gonna stop me from talking about our terrible national debt and annual budget deficits.  Sorry Slimes.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Rectory? Damn Near Killed Him! Priest Found Gagged & Handcuffed, Tells Cops He Was Just "Playing" Around. Right!

Bet the cops don't get too many 911 calls quite like this one (link below). Catholic parson Tom Donovan of Springfield, Illinois (pic immediately above) got on the 911 blower recently to tell the dispatcher, "I'm going to need help getting out before this becomes a medical emergency!"  But get out of what, you might ask...

Seems father was stuck in the ol' rectory (his digs) and bound up but good with a pair of handcuffs and a gag over his piehole. And that's exactly how cops found the playful preacher once they arrived.

Cops cut the clergyman loose but naturally had a few questions.  Like how in the hell this Holy Joe came to find himself all tied up worse than Marsellus and Butch in the pawn shop backroom (pic at the top)...

"I was playing with them," claimed the frightened friar in reference to said cuffs and gag, and with no other soul anywhere in sight around the joint.

Yeah I bet! He was just goofing around, perfecting his prison hack skills right there in the living room! I'm sure NO ONE ELSE was around or had anything to do with this putrid padre predicament!

Meantime, this red-faced reverend is reportedly now on a "leave of absence" from the church. Which doesn't sound like much of a changeup: Methinks this kooky cleric's not exactly all the way there even when he is in the house.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Fair & Balanced Bazooms in the Newsroom:
"TV News Broadcast Shows Porn Movie in the Background for TEN Minutes"!

The offending and highly offensive news broadcast reportedly comes from Sweden (link below).  It's difficult to tell from the photo above precisely which porno was being shown to the audience at home, but since we're talking about a TV news program, I'm guessing it was one of these:
  • Barely Biased: News Floozies Bang It Both Ways

  • Balling for Whore Bun Control

  • Cocked for the C-Block

  • Fat News Chicks 4: Her Details Were Stretchy

  • Hammerin' Me Under Camera Three

  • HARDBALLS with Stiff Ass-Moves

  • Hit the Widow on the Set

  • Late-Breaking Nudes 9: Bustin' the News Hole

  • That's Not My Finger on Your Prompter

  • The O'Reilly Packed-Her

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

"On the Dole & Watchin' the Pole": Welfare Recipients Get Their Party On in a BIG WAY in the Big Apple Using Their Debit Cards! Maybe I Should Call Quits-Ville on My Job & Just Join the Party?

A New York Post exclusive story this week (link below) reveals local welfare recipients using their debit cards to live it up like it was still 1999 or something in the City That Never Sleeps!  A Post investigation revealed such prudent and proper welfare debit card uses as:

(1) Hittin' the neighborhood bar (Hanks Saloon was cited) for a deserving evening of boozin' it up on the public's dime; (2) Crashin' the local porn shop (e.g., Blue Door Video) consistent with our 5th and 14th Amendment rights to fleece the peeps while disciplining the monkey; (3) Hittin' up the corner liquor store (Drinks Galore'll work) since the party must always go on after those other joints close up; (4) Smokin' and Tokin' like a fish with tobacco store product (since one can't have a real party 'out some bona fide smokes! -- Shisha International fits the description, BTW); and, for a regular coup de grace, (5) Rollin' into the local strip joint to drop some dolla' on the ol' tittie dancers (Club Heat works only too well)!

May I ask anyone reading this?:  WTF am I doing over here working a damn real job?!?  When I could be out there with the bums giving a whole new meaning to the slightly altered phrase, "PARTY SLIME."  But here comes the point that I tend to reach most every evening when my damn pesky Middle American Anachronism side rears its ugly head: I just can't join the tramps and slugs who are having so much fun in Metropolis with their paws in the public kitty:  I gots to work in the morning -- and, besides, my shit pays so much better!

Monday, January 7, 2013

NIP RIP: Why Would Some Creep Even Need to Tear at Sofia Vergara's Rack Attire?!?...

...She leaves so little to the imagination already!

[The "Modern Family" star reportedly suffers "torn dress" during a "jealous New Year's Eve scuffle between her fiance Nick Loeb and a stranger" at a Miami nightclub].

Friday, January 4, 2013

OH MY! But Kids -- I Don't Care How Hot this Broad Is: Never Get Plastic Surgery, Fake Boobs or Bear Children When You're a Damn Teenager!

That's "Teen Mom" Farrah Abraham, showing off her "post-surgery bikini body" while sashaying around the beach this week with 3-year-old daughter Sophia.  It seems that Teen Mom a few months back dropped 16 grand and went under the knife for a chin-and-schnoz job (link below)...

That particular piece of plastic work follows an earlier procedure where this hot little number added a big pair of fake cans to her natural upside.

But to all the kids out there:  Don't do that shit. Not unless you're a moron. But if you wanna toss away being a kid and become an adult before your time: Then by all means, knock or get knocked up in your teen years.

Wanna look like a circus freak even before you're even old enough to take a drink?  Then for sure, buy a big fake rack or turn your mug over to Senor Sawbones.

Trust me, while you can try blaming it all on Bush or something, these things are your decisions.  Make the right ones. Unlike the Teen Mom.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Giving America the Fiscal Stiff: "Cliff Deal" Accomplishes Basically Nothing in Terms of Reining in the Massive Federal Budget Deficit and the Stifling National Debt...

Thanks for nothing, as usual, democrat party and gop-ers. Nothing says fiscal responsibility quite like no spending cuts to combat out-of-control, unsustainable spending.

And BTW, raising taxes on anyone in poor economic times of anemic growth:  Suave!  That'll get the ol' economy up 'n roaring!  Idiots.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Rather Than Pondering on This Day the Rotten Prospects of Another Crappy New Year of the Obama/Bush Tribulation, I Think I'd Prefer to Look at Some Hot Broads...

From the top:  (1) "I'm a Celebrity" star Helen Flanagan is "still looking her breast after Christmas"; (2) glamour model turned bodybuilder Jodie Marsh offers a "merry cleavage treat for beach boys"; (3) Caprice Bourret is joining the new celebrity diving show, "Splash!", but is "terrified of hurting her boobs"; (4) Brandy Norwood's gettin' hitched and headed to the Hawaiian beaches to celebrate; and (5) "reality starlet" Josie Goldberg "spills out of her halter top" at Miami Beach.

Almost made me forget there for a second.  Almost.