Friday, September 28, 2012

"Going Down, Party Time": Woman Busted 4 Times in 26 Hours For Allegedly Blasting AC/DC Song "Highway to Hell" Over and Over & Tossing Frying Pan at Nephew!

(FIRST Hit PLAY on the video immediately above -- it'll enhance your reading experience.)

Season ticket on a one-way ride -- to the hoosegow, that is? 53-year-old New Hampshire broad Joyce Coffey (pictured above and below; "look at me!") is allegedly quite enamored with AC/DC's old hard rock standard "Highway to Hell" -- apparently even to the extent of blarring it (and other songs) out her house over and over despite already having been arrested multiple times that day for "loud music" (link below)...

Cops weren't taking everything in their stride and say that at the end of this 26-hour rock'n'roll ruckus, Coffey was busted a total of four times.  Ain't nothing this dame would rather do, apparently, than blast "Highway to Hell," as cops first issued her a warning before being called back an hour later to slap her with her first arrest of the day.

At some point, Coffey reportedly started mixing in some Guns N' Roses on her play list, and she was arrested a second time some five hours later.  Garnering another release, Coffey -- seemingly needing no reason nor rhyme -- reached the arrest trifecta just "before dawn" (again, for alleged loud music).

And like any great hard rock or heavy metal artist, this rockin' little number knew how to work in a big encore with no stop signs or speed limit -- meaning a fourth arrest after she allegedly clocked her nephew right the melon with a big frying plan (with the music still thumpin', apparently).  Nobody was gonna mess her 'round!

Curiously and for some odd reason, following that last arrest, a local judge reportedly ordered that Coffey BOTH (1) undergo a mental health evaluation and (2) start using headphones.

For the moment, she'll be livin' easy and livin' free at home -- albeit under "electronic confinement" -- as long as she passes that psych exam. But she ain't askin' nothing; I'd leave her be.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

"Give Me MY Cake, & Let ME to Eat It Too!" Memo to Egyptian "Presidents" and "Minnesota Gays": There Are Actually Bounds of Human Decency that Should Apply to Pursuing Self-Interests...

To wit:

1.  "Egypt leader demands U.S. aid, censorship [of Islamic criticism], plus end to Israel 'occupation.'"

2.  "Minnesota gays upset over pro-gay-marriage ads featuring straight people [actors]."

Since being an imbecilic, I-deserve-everything-for-no-good-reason deranged freak is apparently now very much en vogue in the rotten chatter which now comprises American and worldwide "political discourse" on both the left and right, I shall now lodge my own Me-First demand:

"I demand that everything I desire be provided to me free of charge, that anyone with a problem with that be tossed in the hoosegow, and that only good-looking Kraut-Mick actors [Colin Farrell comes to mind, even if he has no Kraut to him] be legally permitted to express my viewpoint on television."

I deserve that kind of treatment, after all.  Because I'm just that special.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

"Y'all Better Vote For Fuckin' Obama," Screams Really Old Broad Madonna, Also Promising to Strip Down Buck Naked If He's Reelected! Now THAT Did It...

I don't wanna see that old battle axe in the buff.  That sight wasn't exactly so hot in the 80s (Playboy pics), and that was 30 years ago, when she used to have to some show (apologies, Barry -- M, not O).

So given that rather vile threat by the faded, near-ossified pop star (who for brain dead good measure also referred to Obama as a "black Muslim"), I'm over here saying -- screw all my prior pledges to vote third party for president yet again in 2012...

The stakes (i.e. having to see that old prune in the raw) are just too high this election season.  'Fraid I'm gonna just have to bite the 'ol bullet and vote for Stand-for-nothin' Romney.  (Or, well, I'm currently of a mind, leastways, given the frightening current threats of the "Old Material" girl).


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Doesn't Anyone Use Fists Anymore? Vegas Man Allegedly Goes to Town on Neighbor's Skull with a Guitar and a Toilet Seat!

You know, you're not likely to end up facing attempted murder charges by just putting up your dukes -- absent perhaps (1) being a world class MMA or prize fighter cleaning the clock of some street putz or (2) continuing to beat the hell out of a dude after he's down. But once you introduce some household hardcore wrestling weapons into the brawlin' mix, all bets are off...

And so it is that 41-year-old Ronald Hetzel (mugshot above) of Las Vegas is (indeed) currently facing charges for allegedly attempting to whack out his neighbor with an odd assortment of household items -- and apparently for no good reason other than the fact that the neighbor was standing there.

Cops say they tried to slap the ol' cuffs on Hetzel when they found him shirtless and raisin' a ruckus out on the street near his house.  But Hetzel allegedly managed to scurry away, leap a fence, and duck down into his neighbor's backyard.

Hetzel next allegedy broke into the house to try to hide but found the neighbor at home. And while a bad turn of luck like that might lead many a fleeing criminal to head back outside and just keep running, Hetzel reportedly had a little something different in mind: Like passing the time by starting a pier-six brawl with the neighbor!

First Hetzel allegedly grabbed a big wooden guitar and proceeded (like some sort of poor man's New Jack) to bash the neighbor right over the head with it. But since guitars are seemingly prone to splitting into a million pieces when wielded as a weapon, Hetzel quickly needed to get his grubby paws on another blunt trauma device (allegedly)...

And where better to look for a good bludgeoning object than the nearest shithouse?  That's where Hetzel allegedly ripped out a heavy porcelain toilet lid and started tatooing the neighbor right across the mush with that weapon as well!

After some gratuitous strangulation attempts on the neighbor thereafter (allegedly), cops -- exhibiting all the one-yard-to-the-next tracking skills of a Stevie Wonder/Ray Charles tag team -- reportedly finally arrived in the house some 20 minutes later to haul Hetzel off to the hoosegow. And that's where this hot-headed hardcore hack is likely to rot for some time to come, given that he's facing a string of felony charges that include attempted murder.

Which gives me some concern. Because while I believe most toilets in the Joint don't have removable seats or lids, cons are often allowed musical instruments. Can you imagine if this Hetzel character got a hold of a damn sousaphone?

Monday, September 24, 2012

Millionaire Mitt Romney Out of Touch with Average Americans. An Average Joe Carries Around & Flashes a Big Wad of Jack in a Giant Roll...

Over the weekend, "Mr. Obama pulled out a wad of bills that looked almost large enough to make a dent in the national debt as he browsed for pork treats [again with the pork this month] alongside Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett."


Friday, September 21, 2012

Who's the "Boss"? Hot Pics of Ex-Wife Camille Turn Kelsey Grammer Into a Real-Life Version of His Hot-Headed Chicago Mayor TV Character!

He's Mayor Tom Kane. And he's one of the craziest and most ruthless and hot-headed politicians you'll ever want to see.  When his Chief of Staff leaks some unfavorable information to the media, the Mayor has the guy whacked out!  When a local union leader won't play ball, the Mayor tries to twist his damn ear off!  When his daughter is using drugs, the Mayor rats her out and sends her ass to the hoosegow, just because it benefits him politically.  What a piece of work, this guy!

And in a classic case of life imitating art, actor Kelsey Grammer this week became his Mayor Kane character from Starz' "Boss" series after getting a load of some hot photos of ex-wife Camille Grammer (pictured above and below; link below).  It seems that Kelsey was in the CNN Building getting ready for an interview on Piers Morgan when he took a gander at some hot Camille pics (used in the show's open) and reportedly stormed his way right out of the joint and out on to the street!

The tantrum left Morgan completely in the lurch, without a guest to interview in his next segment.  Meantime, Kelsey was outta there, never to return.  "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" star Camille, BTW, is 13 years Kelsey's junior.

And it seems pretty clear to me why he got so hot under the collar over there at CNN:  Dude must have thought, "WTF was I thinking when I divorced those -- errrr -- that broad!"  But I can't blame him for going ape.  Hell, who wouldn't blow their stack over that rack?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Call Her Big Fatty with a BAD Case of the Munchies: Lady Gaga Tokes on Marijuana Joint, Gets Really Fat in Holland. Good Grief!

For cryin' out loud, she could give us a break, get a bigger outfit, and try to hide it like Elvis did! I was shocked to see these pictures from a concert in Amsterdam this week showing a big fat Lady Gaga struttin' her portly new stuff after taking a big drag off a damn doobie! (Links below; pics above)

The Tuesday concert first had the 26-year-old Gaga up there on stage rifling through a sack of presents from fans and finding a baggy with a big, long Reggie inside. "Is it real?," Gaga reportedly asked the crowd.

And since there was only one way to find out, apparently, Gaga fired up that Fatty faster than George Foreman ordering a platter of cheeseburgers and "took several long drags before throwing it back into the audience."

Pictures from later in the concert (she changed costumes several times) appear to show the frightening consequences well known to any devoted la la, limbo-likin' Lord of the paca lolo: Those damn pesky post-Pato munchies! 

From the sorry looks of it, Gaga has recently packed on dozens of extra pounds to her formerly short, skinny frame. At first blush, I thought this was actually a Kelly Osbourne concert before reading the UK Daily Mail's headline. At least Kelly was Born This Way.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

At Least the Tea Partiers Have Largely Beat It: Leftist "Occupiers" Make Jackasses of Themselves on "Birthday." These Goofs Need to Get Some New Material!

I'll say one thing for the deranged right-winger tea partiers: After cropping up in 2010 and raising a ruckus, they've since mostly crawled back into the tea bag. Same can't be said, unfortunately, for the leftist 20 percenter devotees and other freaks comprising the so-called "occupy" movement...

Purportedly celebrating their one-year "birthday," these fools descended on the Big Apple this week, much to the amusement of civilized human beings everywhere (links below).  "The protesters sure acted like a bunch of babies," crowed the New York Post. And too bad the past 12 months haven't provided them with much in the way of new or clever ideas, either...

"From temper tantrums to taunting cops with doughnuts" (so highly original), these louts "allowed their infantile antics to overshadow any message against corporate greed," noted the Post.

In short, the only leftist card these rocket scientists still had left to play was to try to provoke the cops ("Over here, copper!"). And then to try again. And again. And again. And again...

Many of the protesters, reports the Post, "spent the day provoking cops," first by "holding rods dangling doughnuts from fishing lines" (pictured above).  And since donut-and-coffee jokes about cops have never been tried before, these creeps doubled down, setting up a "doughnut-laden table" with a sign reading, "NYPD Welcome Center."

For good measure, these nuts also trotted out one of their molding oldies from 2011, unleashing carefully concocted chants of "Fuck the Police!" 

For that one, I'm just wondering if the surviving members of legendary rap group N.W.A. have ever tried to sue these occupier punks for unauthorized use of that phrase? But, truth be told, how would you ever serve a civil lawsuit summons on a creature who's already had the ol' cuffs slapped on him?


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Obama: "If [gop-ers] Want Me to Walk the Dog or Wash the Car, I'm Happy to Do It!" But Methinks Rather gop-ers Should Enlist a Few Broads...

And regardless of what such foolishness from Obama and his democrat party even means (don't know, don't care) or why an American president is spouting it, I have a slightly different proposal for the leftist individual we currently have as a  president...

I don't really care how dirty the car is these days down at One Pennsylvania Avenue or how much the dog may need to go outside -- just load up that ride, including that dog (Luke, Beau, Roscoe, whatever it's called), and head straight out to pasture somewhere back in Illinois, "Mr. President".

Hell, I might've even considered voting to send you directly on this little roadtrip myself, if only Romney wasn't the hapless alternative come November.  But don't worry, I won't be voting for you either, Barry.  No matter how much manual labor you offer to perform over the next six weeks.


Monday, September 17, 2012

Mite Court: "Bug-Infested Witness Shuts Down Detroit Courtroom"!

Some members of the public just don't get it.  It's called courtroom decorum.  It means there are standards for how you dress and carry on in a court of law.  Shabby clothes -- highly discouraged.  Large cleavage displays and other forms of frontal nudity -- not permitted.  Cursing -- forgetaboutit.  And walking in the joint with a big mess of bugs crawling all over you -- generally frowned upon as well...

But that reportedly didn't stop one Detroit man from recently getting his bug on right there in a local courtroom (link below)!  And we're not just talking about a few gnats circling around this bugman -- we're talking "bug-infested" from head to toe when he "showed up for proceedings."

This dragonfly dude apparently needed to be in court to appear as a witness, but even that didn't stop the judge from quickly "evacuating" the courtroom and having all personnel bug out for home "after a bailiff spotted the man with insects crawling on him."

The waspy witness's daughter says her old man's bug issues stem from a bedbug infestation at home, but it doesn't sound like court workers are necessarily buying that line of vermin.  In particular, one court staffer told local WWJ Newsradio 950 that "it's not yet clear what kind of bugs were on the man," stating that the human bug infestation spotted on the man may have included "cockroaches and fleas."

The court, meantime, is making its best effort at remediation, with "a pest control company [being] called in to spray."  However, the jury's still reportedly out on when in the future the courtroom might be able to reopen.

But let me take this opportunity to put a bug in the ear of young law students everywhere:  Never call a fleabag as a witness. And if your case depends on the testimony of a giant stinkbug with human legs, then think long and hard about the possibility of dismissal.  With prejudice.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Pork Dork: St. Louis Man Allegedly Whacks Out His Own Uncle in Argument Over a Damn Plate of Pork Steaks!

43-year-old John Cunningham (pictured above) really knows his pork steaks.  And so when this mean-ass meatman is fixin' to toss a platter of pork steaks on the ol' grill, don't you trying telling him that said steaks are really pork chops or some other cut of swine. Lest you want this pork afficionado to go all butcherblock on your ass (allegedly)!

It actually sounds like this story began lovely enough, with Cunningham paying a nice little visit to the house of his uncle (44-year-old Lessie Lowe) and other family members to cook up some eats late Sunday night (link below). But alas: Enter pork steak. And all hell broke loose from there...

As Cunningham prepared to cook up a big mess a' meat, a thorny point of porky pig contention reportedly reared its ugly pork snout: Cunningham maintained that the meat cuts at issue were pork steaks, while Uncle simply did not agree, retorting that nephew was in fact totin' a slew a' pork chops.

Apparently not being familiar with the tired but true old phrase, "we can agree to disagree," the two men took to fightin' (reportedly) and "had to be separated by someone else in the home." But Nephew Cunningham, being ever the prideful porkbelly that he is, wasn't about to let this meatball matter lie...

But what's a piss-and-vinegar porker like him to do? Maybe re-engage Uncle in oral argument? Or resume the fisticuffs? Or even give Uncle a little chumpchop cheapshot? Nope, none of those things. Instead, Nephew chose the next most logical option -- meaning he allegedly scurried off "to another part of the home," got his meathooks on a shotgun, and came out blastin'!

Clipped by the piece, Uncle allegedly hit the floor faster than a porkshank at a Vegan convention -- later dying at the hospital. Meantime cops have slapped a meaty murder charge on Nephew's pork carver ass, while also taking the time to the inform the media that Nephew Cunningham was correct that the meat in question was, indeed, pork steak. Glad 5-0's around to clear that up for us. Hate loose burnt ends over here.

[Postscript: Thanks to Joe G in St. Louis for passing this story along.]

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Day Late & $5 Trillion Short: Obama's Response to the Egypt & Libya Embassy Attacks Epitomizes His Failed Presidency...

How convenient.  When Obama finally trotted out mid-morning Wednesday to grace us with his thoughts on the Tuesday 9/11 attacks on U.S. territory abroad (the U.S. Consulate in Libya and the U.S. embassy in Egypt ), he focused entirely on the later-occurring Libyan attack with not a mention of Tuesday morning's Egyptian attack!  The attack in Egypt, of course, was the one where radical Islamic thugs overran the U.S. embassy, burned the American flag, and hoisted their own Al Qaeda-inspired flag atop the joint.

I can only surmise that Obama's deliberate ignoring of that attack and his complete focus on the later-occurring Libyan attack was intended to give him political cover for his disgraceful failure to say anything about these attacks on the day they actually occurred -- which, BTW, just happened to be 9/11.  By treating the Egyptian attack as if it had never occurred, he and his minions (including his complicit lapdog "mainstream" media, all in line!) were able to claim Wednesday that he had simply waited "until all the facts were in" on the Libyan attack before he said anything.

What a laughable load of bunk! [I actually just laughed!] That's because the Egyptian attack did occur, and Obama should have had his ass out there on TV on Tuesday afternoon condemning it.  As it stands, he still hasn't said anything about it! Not to mention, the Libyan attack also occurred during the day Tuesday, and we first knew that at least one person had been killed there by the early evening (also) on Tuesday.

For Obama to have said absolutely nothing Tuesday about either situation was completely deplorable and embarrassing, as noted in this space Tuesday night (Wednesday post).  As Obama and his surrogates seemed so fond of saying back in 2008, you can't put lipstick on a pig, Mr. President.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Anniversary of 9/11, Two U.S. Embassies Attacked in the Middle East, One American Dead: So Where's the American President on Tuesday?

M-I-A. Just like so much of the past 4 years.  Off campaigning somewhere.  Too busy to speak on such things on the day they occurred.  And too busy with his political schedule (reportedly) to grant a requested meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as a potential (probable) Israeli strike on Iran lurks dangerously close.

You know, I've said this before: If you don't intend to vote for stand-for-nothing gop-er presidential candidate Mitt Romney, I get it. I don't intend to vote for him either (I'm goin' third party candidate)...

But what I also don't get is how any American who's not a part of the leftist 20 percenter base of the democrat party (i.e. about 20% of the American population) could possibly vote in 2012 for the reelection of the individual we currently have as president.

He's been that awful as a Commander-in-Chief.  And I'm convinced that he will ultimately go down (along with W Bush) as one of the worst, most ill-qualified presidents in American history.  30, 40, 50 years from now -- do you really want to look back as having voted for this individual's reelection?  I think I'll take a pass on that particular distinction.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

WHACK the Scuzjob: "Murderer Who Kidnapped & Raped His Teenage Victim Begs Judge for Death Penalty." Agreed!

I'm on record over here as generally being opposed to the death penalty because sometimes innocent criminal defendants get put to death (which I think is an intolerable result in a civilized society)...

But when it comes to confessed Subhuman Sewer Slimes like this 34-year-old William Davis in Florida, who admits raping and murdering 19-year-old Fabiana Malave in 2009, I say give him his Whacking Papers yesterday. 

Now, I'm not saying he needs to be tortured first or placed on the rack or drawn 'n quartered or anything like that. Since after all, we do in this country have an 8th Amendment prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment...

But: Firing squad; a good hanging; or even a clean beheading -- any of those work for me; quite like the much, much worse horror that he inflicted upon his poor innocent victim worked just fine for him.  Bye, bye, Sleaze-Swine!


Monday, September 10, 2012

"He's a Very Sick Man, He Needs a Lot of Help": Peeping Tom Admits to Setting Up Camp Under Floorboards of Woman's Trailer Home to Watch Her Use the Toilet!

A Salem, Massachusetts woman thought she heard a critter scurrying around beneath her trailer recently. She says she knew something was down there, so she took a gander down the floor air duct in the trailer's crapper.  But what the startled woman saw down that duct was a head -- a human one -- and wouldn't ya know that the head looked her square in the eye and starting talkin'!...

"Hello," the courteous head reportedly said to the woman (links below). "What are you doing? Watching me go the bathroom?", she shot back.  But the head was quick to reassure her that the head's eyes hadn't yet had time to get a good peak:  "No, no, no, I just got set up [and] I didn't see anything yet," confided the head.

Cops have since placed the head upon the shoulders of 44-year-old Christian Hobbs of Orleans, Massachusetts (mug shot above). Hobbs has reportedly admitted that it was him down there under the shithouse (pic of trailer below). 

He also stands accused of setting up a "lewd network of video equipment" down there, aimed at spying on the female resident and her four-year-old boy (including one alleged recording where the boy was nude).

Cops says Hobbs became smitten with Mama when he was performing some handyman work at the trailer a few weeks earlier.  But alas, Mama rebuffed his advances and his requests for dates.

So, naturally, it was off the crawl space for Hobbs (what else is a jilted handyman pervert to do?) so that he get as close to the broad as he possibly could without a date.

And just for special added weirdness, Hobbs allegedly lived multiple days down under the trailer -- "living off power bars" and various "beverages" as he illegally surveilled Mama and the kid. He even reportedly had a good stock of "tissues" down there, although I don't even want to speculate or go there...

Suffice it to say: "He's a very sick man, he needs a lot of help," said Mama, as Hobbs now faces a bevy of criminal charges from the incident, including manufacture of child pornography. And for that charge especially, this creep should really be looking forward to his hoosegow stay -- since inhabiting low places appears to be right up this skunk's alley.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Grades from the Final Night (Thank God) of These Two Parties' Conventions: Barack Obama, Joe Biden & John Kerry...

First it was the republic partisan party last week, then the democrat party wrapped up its national convention Thursday night. But the only party I'm concerned with today is the one I intend to throw now that these two annoyingly grating and endless events are finally and actually over.  I feel like I just completed a two-week-long marathon in the Sahara desert followed by 12 rounds in the ring with each of the Klitschko brothers.  To paraphrase a line from the old Muppet Show, it's like some kind of torture to have to watch these clowns...   

1.  John Kerry (losing 2004 democrat party presidential candidate & current US Senator):  C-.  The word disingenuous comes immediately to mind (e.g., Obama keeps promises, has led on Iran, has a big supporter in Bibi Netanyahu, hasn't pursued any neo-con "nation building" like Romney will, blah blah blah), as well as fairly bitter and mean-spirited.  You know, watching this goof rant on and on at the top of his lungs only reinforced for me the fact that is the God-awful presidential choices that these two rotten parties have foisted upon us like a hoosegow warden for the last four elections:  John Kerry (with sleazebag John Edwards as the running mate)?  Al Gore?  W Bush? Tired Old Man McCain? O-Freakin'-Bama? Stand-for-nothing, King Flipflopper Mitt Romney?  Jeezal peezal, talk about a pathetic motley crew.  A Parade of Horribles.  A damn Creepshow. Little wonder this country is in the sick state it's in (sorry Jeeves to end a sentence on a preposition).

2.  Joe "Hope and Chains" Biden (walking gaffe reel and the most ill-qualified vice president since Dan Quayle):  A- (!!!).  My highest grade given to any speech in this convention.  And Biden earns it for one simple reason and one reason alone:  Despite a fair amount of stuttering and stammering about and almost as much shouting and screaming as John Kerry (collectively earning Biden the "minus" in my grade), Biden actually made it all the way through a speech without any major gaffes! (At least that I heard). And over the span of almost 40 minutes! After witnessing something miraculous like that, the grade given needs to match the special nature of the occasion. 

3.  Barack Obama (hands down one of the two worst presidents of my lifetime, along with W Bush, and I'm old enough to have lived through Jimmy Carter):  C.  Not a bad speech by any means, but also mostly the same type of speech I've heard over and over from this guy for years now.  To wit: Lots of generalized, non-specific, and seemingly nonpartisan and/or centrist lofty rhetoric from a hyper-partisan who's perhaps the most left-wing president in American history.

For me, I didn't buy that act in 2008, and by now it's just tired, old and hollow.  This stuff works decently enough at motivating the politically ignorant to "feel good" emotionally, but accomplishes little else.  Far fewer swing voters in 2012 are as susceptible to that playbook as they were in 2008. That's why this election will be incredibly closer than 2008 -- I'm thinking more and more Obama wins by winning the electoral college while Romney wins the popular vote. Not that I have any dog in this Fight (of the partisan Assclowns).

And I'm actually now in a very good mood: Four more years before I have to sit through another round of these week-long partisan freakshows. That's Exhibit 1 for any non-believers out there -- there is a compassionate God above.