Saturday, December 31, 2011

Breach of Contract! PA Man Allegedly Calls 911 After Hoes Hired to Double Up on Him Instead Go at Each Other & Keep Him Relegated to the "Sideline"...

[Menage a Trois Week continues on TIR...]

I really don't know the sadder situation here: (1) A couple of hookers allegedly taking all this old codger's dough after doing nothing to which he says they agreed; or (2) This old coffin-dodger actually thinking his best recourse would be to call the cops after these broads' alleged nefarious "breach of contract." I'm guessing a lawsuit filed down in the ol' circuit court can't be too far behind from this furry old timer...

63-year-old Jerry Streng (pictured above) of Berlin, Pennsylvania told cops it all started when he simply tried to hire a couple of whores for 400 bucks "for the purpose of 'Smoking his Smoke' and engaging in sexual intercourse" with him (link to Smoking Gun's full story at bottom).

But like most any alleged personal services "contract," Streng says he had some very specific notions as to precisely what was to go down (in more ways than one) in this little menage a trois for hire. Streng says his very specific "agreement" with the two harlots would've placed him "in the middle of both women while the three of them engaged in sexual activity with each other."

However, Streng claims the tart tandem only delivered the goods on half the equation, being only too willing to "Smoke His Smoke," but not so much it seems when it came to including him in three-way, Lawrence-inspired, doublin'-down sexcapades back in the bedroom.

Streng complained to cops that the dirty duo did not even "invite him into the bed," instead climbing under the sheets and getting it on with each other. What's worse, he says, is that when he did try to enter this freaky fray, the two street walkers stuck his old ass on the "sideline" and wouldn't let him "in the middle like they agreed to" -- like something out of a bad knockoff of the old film The Sex Monster.

"Relegated to the end" of the bed rather than his "desired middle slot," Streng lamented to cops that he was left to resort "to grope the breast of the female closest to him." And the truly sad part, he says, is that "after that fleeting fondle," these two contract-welching women of the street (allegedly) grabbed all his money and ran -- all without ever "fully servicing him." Talk about a couple 'a stone cold cocottes!

And of course, whether it be a prostitution deal gone bad, or any other rudimentary breach of contract for that matter, the best course of actions is always -- what else: Call 911, Baby! That's right, Streng got the cops over there almost as fast as those two tricky trollops hit the exits once his money was in hand (allegedly).

So alas we arrive at the moral of this rather pathetic story: An agreement to bone a babe for money has an illegal subject matter at its core! That makes it an illegal, unenforceable contract. It also means you can't sue on it, and the cops can't do a damn a thing for you except to slap your dumb ass with solicitation charges and toss ya right in the hoosegow...

Which is precisely what happened to this old battle axe Streng. Although something tells me that Streng figures it was all worth it, since another consequence of his rattin' out these two ladies of pleasure means they also got their trio triumvirate-feigning skanky asses (allegedly) thrown right in the can themselves. That'll teach them to smoke a man's smoke without as so much as taking one puff on his pipe.

Friday, December 30, 2011

"One Boob Put Away, One Boob Hanging!!" NASCAR Driver Raises the Red Flag on Twitter with Anti-Breastfeeding Rant...

Maybe he's recently been forgetting to use his HANS Device out there on the track. Either that, or he might want to check his exhaust system for carbon monoxide leaks. Because what kind of a brain-damaged goof (not named Kim Kardashian) goes on an anti-wet-nurse Twitter tirade from inside a damn supermarket?

His name is Kasey Kahne, and the 31-year-old NASCAR driver apparently really, REALLY hates the site of a woman's partially bare bosom (raising a whole host of issues that we shall not get into here). Picking up some eats at his local grocery joint this week, Kahne spied some broad giving suck to her little shit inside the store. And he was havin' none a' that!

Faster than a stock car through the checkered flag in the Sprint Cup Series, Kahne reportedly whipped out his phone and started putting the pedal to the tatas, launching into a Modified Meltdown over this little lactation lunch that he was witnessing...

The rant started with surprise: "Just walking through supermarket. See a mom breast feeding little kid. Took second look because obviously I was seeing things. I wasn't!," Kahne observed.

And apparently he took more than just a second look, because he then proceeded to "describe the woman's breastfeeding in detail": "One boob put away, one boob hanging!! #nasty," Kahne tweeted.

Then Kahne complained that his initial suckle shock and awe had given way to repulsion: "I don't feel like shopping anymore or eating."

Many in the Twitter universe were none too happy at Kahne's breastfeeding beatdown, including one follower named Deana P, who tweeted that Kahne's opinions on the subject made him "kind of a douchebag." She continued: "I hope someday you have a kid and someone tells your wife that feeding your child looks nasty. Stay classy asshole."

And while any half-intelligent athlete or public figure would have either diffused the situation at this point or at least kept his mouth shut about the woman's tweet, this Kahne simply revved up his engine! "Your a dumb bitch," Kahne shrewdly retorted in a reply tweet.

Apparently later realizing that, oh yeah, he currently stars in a series of Allstate Insurance ads centering "around his appeal among women," Kahne took back to Twitter to offer up the standard ("if I offended anyone") non-apology apology -- saying it was not "my intention to offend . . . anyone who supports breast feeding children."

And, indeed and in fairness, it is somewhat difficult to glean a clear and definitive intention to offend from the mere phrase, "you're a dumb bitch." But me does thinks this braintrust could've used a little more of mama's milk during his formative years. They say calcium's good for the brain, same as the bones.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Sick Tool: Anthony's Weiner Reportedly Tried to Line Up an Extramarital Threesome with Another Woman and ANOTHER WEINER!

He's the non-limp gift who just keeps on pissin'! And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse for disgraced former democrat party congressman, Anthony's Weiner! OK, we already knew about him sexting and Tweeting out pics of his schlong to just about any young lady (not his wife) under the sun...

Then there were the revelations about him (1) calling his Muslim in-laws "backward thinking" (i.e. the parents of his then-pregnant wife and Hillary Clinton gofer, Huma's Weiner (pictured below)) and (2) bragging to ladies about spanking the ol' tallywhacker right inside a congressional shithouse ("It's a big office and you know that's not the only thing here that's big," Anthony's Weiner reportedly boasted to the dames).

Things got so bad last summer that even sleazy top democrat party slimeballs like San Fran Nan Pelosi and Patty "Wasserman" Simpson called on (and ultimately forced) Anthony's Weiner to pull out of Congress. So how could it get any worse? Well, it just did...

A new report this week from (links at bottom) says that Anthony's Weiner -- in addition to engaging in rampant photo donging -- also tried to set up a little real-life Menage a Trois action with "texting pal" hottie Traci Nobles (pictured below).

So what's the big deal, you might ask? Dude just wanted (like damn near every guy) to have a couple of broads double up on him, right? WRONG. Very wrong...

The new report says Anthony's Weiner was actually trying to hook up one of those demented split-wood, man-sandwich threesomes. That's right: Two boys, one girl, and lotsa summer sausage!

According to Nobles, this twisted extramarital conversation went exactly like this:

-Anthony's Weiner: [Brings up the topic of "3 ways" and continues:] "I'm not really talking about other chicks ... How about with another guy?"

-Traci Nobles: "Hmmmm, haven't done it before."

-Anthony's Weiner: "It can be hot!"

-Traci Nobles: "Are you turned on by other guys?"

-Anthony's Weiner: "Well it depends on the guy, but generally yes."

And just for good measure, at some point during his text exchange with Nobles, Anthony's Weiner also allegedly spouted, "OMG!, I didn't think I could get any harder!"

Now while Nobles does say this proposed Subway double meat trifecta never actually went down (literally or figuratively), that apparently wasn't due to any lack of suggestion from the point of Anthony's Weiner. That Weiner must've been absolutely deflated when babe failed to book another pork sword to raise the Eiffel Tower!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Think You'd Like to Spend Your Golden Years Takin' It Easy As One of Those Walmart Greeters? Just Watch Out You Don't Get Your Face Caved In...

Some people apparently just REALLY don't want to be bothered while rushing to get their holiday shopping done. If you're in retail, you might want to think about that the next time you ask a shopper to dig out receipts for the merchandise they're carrying around. Because they might just show you a receipt right across your mush, as happened in the Empire State on Xmas Eve this year (allegedly)...

It sounds like 26-year-old Jacquetta Simmons (pictured above) of Batavia, New York was, indeed, in one hell of a hurry on Saturday. First, in order to bypass the long lines at the front-of-the-store registers, Simmons reportedly bought a bevy of electronics stuff back in that very department. So then it was smooth sailing all the way to the parking lot, right? Wrong.

Cops says that as Simmons tried to leave the store with a male friend, one of those damn pesky old codger Walmart greeters asked to check the receipt on the goods. Apparently taking deep, deep offense to the greeter's highly overbearing request, Simmons allegedly lost her temper and then some...

Rather than producing the requested receipt, Simmons allegedly sized up the 70-year-old greeter (named Grace Suozzi) and proceeded to clock her one right the damn kisser! The old greeter geezer was reportedly knocked to the ground and suffered a fracture to the side of her face.

Simmons and her friend next allegedly tried to flee the store faster than, well, a Walmart greeter typically checks a customer receipt. The duo reportedly made it their car alright before getting boxed in by a crowd of angry shoppers so that they couldn't leave.

Cops busted Simmons' hurried ass on assault charges and tossed her in the hoosegow, where she spent Xmas day. And to think: If Simmons could have just mustered up the time to produce her receipt, she would have been Scot free...

That's because cops say Simmons wasn't trying to shoplift anything and (in fact) did have a receipt that covered all electronics items in her bag. And given that she's likely now facing time in the can, those may just have been some of the most expensive DVD's ever purchased.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Scary Christmas: Fake San Fran Doctor Allegedly Performs Cheap Liposuction While Puffing on a Cigar, Then Tosses the Fat Right Down the Shitter!

At first blush, a guy like this might seem like a Christmas angel, what with him offering women cheap liposuctions for far below the going rate. But turns out he's little more than a nicotine fiend charlatan Grinch who also leaves a lot to be desired in the tissue disposal department (allegedly)...

Cops in San Fransisco say 49-year-old Carlos Guzman was operating his own local dermatology joint called the "Derma Clinic." Only problem? No medical license (leastways if you're the kind of person who views that to be a problem). I mean, this Frisco fruitloop was more phony than a San Fran Nan Pelosi sound bite (allegedly).

Guzman allegedly got around that little non-licensure hitch by assuming the identity of a local doctor who had a similar name. And when he allegedly told a local woman that he could do her a liposuction for peanuts, that was apparently an offer the broad just could not refuse.

And this Guzman was definitely what you might call a full-service provider (if only he had a license): On surgery day, he actually picked up this lady at her home and drove her down to the ol' Derma Clinic.

Once he was ready to get rolling, Guzman allegedly lit up a big cigar, which he proceeded to smoke right there in the damn operating room during the course of the surgery!

And this cigar-chompin' quack was apparently very cognizant of not being discovered, since why else would he make the shrewd move of taking the woman's removed fat back to HER house in order to dispose of it?

That's right -- Guzman allegedly showed up at the dame's house the next day, headed straight for the Shithouse, and flushed around six pounds of cellulite right down her crapper!

As I suppose it tends to go with these unlicensed physicians, the woman says the liposuction was botched, forcing her to seek corrective surgery. For good measure, this sloppy cigar sawbones also allegedly gave the woman's daughter an acne treatment "with a series of injections of an unknown substance in her face." I just hope it wasn't cigar ashes.

Now Guzman may have to do his doctorin' down in the hoosegow for some time to come, as he faces a bevy of felony charges. And given the correctional community's recent intolerance towards tobacco use in the joint, methinks this Guzman better smoke 'em now if he gots 'em.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

If You Gotta Go: Connecticut Man with "Nervous Bowels" Allegedly Pulls a Bank Job After Taking a Shit Out in the Parking Lot!

I'd think that one thing you typically DON'T want to do before knocking over a bank is to draw any unnecessary attention to yourself. For example, you wouldn't want to start a fight in the bank prior to passing along your demand note...

Nor would you want to bang some broad out in the lobby before the job. And the same principle applies equally to using the bank parking lot for a toilet in full view of bank employees prior to even entering the joint (allegedly). Put another way, this alleged bank robber in Connecticut must've REALLY had to take a damn dump...

Cops there say employees at the New Milford bank could see (and probably get a whiff of) this guy coming a mile away. A bank supervisor reportedly smelled trouble when "a teller and a customer said they had seen a man 'pooping' in the parking lot and not being discreet."

After finishing his business out the parking lot, 55-year-old Russell D. Mace (pictured above) reportedly made his way into the bank, where he was "sweating and appeared nervous." No word whether he bothered to try to wash his hands before heading in there.

Next this parking lot pooper allegedly wasted little time in telling a male teller, "This is a robbery, give me all your money." Cops say this sloppy shitman made off with over 3,000 bucks from the heist.

And here's the real question: In the likely event that this defecating dufus didn't wash those grubby paws before pulling this piece of work (allegedly), would the bank even want that money back? I personally wouldn't get within 10 feet of them tainted presidents.

And how'd ya like to be the employee tasked with having to count those beastly bills upon their return? If ever there was some dirty money in need of launderin'...

Regardless, at least this Mace character is likely to have an actual toilet and running water at his disposal for some time to come. That's because they typically provide those things down at the hoosegow, and cops have arrested and slapped Mace's crappin' ass with bank robbery charges. And I don't see him washing his hands of this one.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Gutter Ball Boor: South Carolina Man Allegedly Attacks Broad with a Damn Bowling Ball for Refusing His Offer of Free Drinks!

While a babe's odds are typically about 99% of remaining unscathed after refusing a man's offer to buy her drinks, there's still that 1% of the population (in addition to the millionaires and billionaires) known as slimeballs. And keep in mind that if you're dealing with a crumb-bag like that, such type typically doesn't accept rejection with a great deal of grace or manners...

Cops in Rock Hill, South Carolina say 31-year-old Omar Sheree Stevenson (pictured on right) was just such an individual, hanging out at the local bowling alley and looking to help one of the female patrons get her drink on through an offer of some free booze. But this alleged bowling boobjob Stevenson got bowled down faster on that offer than the pins on an Earl Anthony final frame.

Having been rejected, Stevenson reportedly first went about his business as usual, waiting until it was his turn to bowl and then picking up his 12-pound ball. But something in this bowl bum allegedly snapped at that point, like a bad episode of "Bowling for Dollars" and as if he had just had a 7-9 split disallowed or something...

In particular, cops say Stevenson went ape on the broad, taking his bowling ball and tossing it right at her head like it was the last pin needed for a game-winning spare. And he reportedly pounded that melon with a direct hit from the bowling ball, sending the dame sprawling to the ground.

Cops say they found this little number rolling around on the floor next to the snack bar, bleeding profusely from the top of her head. Gruesomely, cops say they "could see her skull through the cut." Miraculously, however, she was not seriously hurt and was released from the hospital after receiving seven stitches (with no skull fracture).

When cops caught up with Stevenson, he claimed he had just "lost his temper" and "regretted the incident." But now he may just have a very long extended vacation for expressing regrets and bowling out in the yard, since cops busted his PBA-reject ass for attempted murder. Forget the "three strikes" statute: Proceed down the alley and straight to the hoosegow.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sir, Is That a Big BBQ Rib Coming Out Your Fly, Or Are U Just Happy to See Me? Man Allegedly Celebrates B-Day By Stuffing $300 of Meat Down His Pants!

Hey, Christmas and the big holiday feasts are only days away now; not to mention, it was his 45th birthday! So naturally Ronald Broadway of Salisbury, North Carolina (pictured above) needed to load up on some big eats late last week. Only problem: He apparently mistook his pants for a shopper bag while he was down at the local Food Lion grocery store (allegedly)!

And so was this meatball lookin' to score a little hamburger or maybe a hog jowl or two to tide him over for the evening? Not on your life, cops say. Instead, this hungry meatman allegedly tried to stuff enough meat down his britches to feed half the city of Salisbury! (But guess that figures, since they invented the Salibury Steak there, no?)

Cops say this loin job first stuck some nice juicy rib-eye steak down inside his crotch. And that was just for starter fluid. Next up, Broadway allegedly put his meathooks on several big batches of shrimp and jammed those babies down his drawers. And he was only getting his meat warmed up at that point (allegedly).

It wasn't just window dressing when this rumpman next allegedly scored a big slab of baby rack ribs right down the ol' trousers. And even that wasn't enough to satisfy this butcherblock wannabe's taste for meat (allegedly)!

Just to top things off, cops say Broadway carved out a place down his pants for a big bundle of smoked turkey! The final tab for Broadway to fully compile his little makeshift midsection meathouse? Almost 300 bucks in assorted meat cuts and seafood, say the cops.

So much meat and fish, in fact, that Broadway allegedly ran out of room in the sweatpants that he was wearing under his jeans. Although he allegedly had tried to duct tape the sweatpants at the ankles to keep any loose chumpchops or other meat from fallin' out the bottom, Broadway allegedly had so damn much meat down his pants that even the duct tape ultimately gave way!

When Broadway tried to leave the Food Lion and head to his ride, cops say they "noticed food dropping from his pants." And when each piece of meat fell out, Broadway allegedly tried to play it off cool by calmly sweeping the meat under the closest car with his hoof.

Cops finally approached Broadway and had to be wondering what exactly they were handling when they went to pat him down, since this sirloin savant allegedly had big pieces of meat poking their way right out of his damn fly! One can only imagine the officer commenting, "I only hope for your sake Mr. Broadway that that's only stolen meat that just poked out upon my paw."

Now this alleged scrag-bag Broadway may to have to request kitchen detail if he wants to dress any meat other than his own in the county blues. That's because cops have busted this paltry porterhouse on shoplifting charges. And if I'm a bail bondsman, I ain't steaking this guy for so much as 300 bucks over here.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Well, It Is the Home State of Braintrusts W Bush & Rick Perry: ANOTHER Texas College gop-er President Under Fire for Moronic Statements About Obama...

She does have a decent rack. But that's about the only thing positive thing I can say about this fool. She's Cassandra Wright (pictured above & below), the latest president of the University of Texas college gop-ers (a/k/a college republic partisans)...

And you'd 'a thunk this ditzy blonde right-wing goof would have learned her lesson from her predecessor, Lauren Pierce, who (as detailed previously in this space) disgraced herself earlier this year for tweeting that it would be "tempting" to "shoot" the leftist 20 percenter who currently masquerades around as our president.

Pierce soon thereafter had to resign as president of the Texas college right-wingers, and can you believe it appears that idiot organization actually installed a replacement president (Wright) even dumber than Pierce? I say that after reading Wright's tweet this week (pictured above) commenting that, "My president is black, he snorts a lot of crack. Holla." (Link to full story at bottom).

Now I wouldn't exactly call that imbecilic (and racially tinged) tweet, on its face, as deranged as Pierce's so-called "joke" (Pierce's characterization) about whacking out the current president. But when you consider that Wright had Pierce's recent maniacal Twitter example to learn from and avoid, I'm officially deeming her even more demented and intellectually hapless than Pierce herself. I mean, Good Grief, this underdone right-winger broad Wright even reportedly re-tweeted her Obama "crack" blast!

But now this creepy conservative is making herself more scarce than a Glade can in a Texas shithouse. She's reportedly "closed her Twitter account to the public and has not responded to the controversy." Boy, that's some real presidential leadership on exhibit. Maybe she's looking to Obama himself as a role model (regardless of her vile tweet), since that leftist freak could write a 1000-page manifesto on the art of never owning up to mistakes.

I guess I should give Wright credit for one thing -- at least she didn't try to laugh off her stupid tweet as a "joke" like her predecessor did. But credit on that front would be premature -- let's give her a few days and see. And if she tries pulling out the Anthony's Weiner Defense (i.e. I Been Hacked!), I'm really gonna have some good material over here. The oddball's in your corner, Babe...

Monday, December 19, 2011

Congressmen "Barred From Saying 'Merry Christmas' in Mailings": And I'm Fully Supportive (Seriously)...

The above-quoted headline came from the right-winger website Drudge Report. Drudge is an outstanding new aggregator website, just so long as you realize that the selection of linked stories and (even more importantly) the particular "headlines" written by Matt Drudge result from his right-winger slant and persuasion. So it's always necessary to go past the Drudge headline and retrieve and scrutinize closely the underlying story -- because Drudge's "headlines" often tell little of the full story.

Take as Exhibit 1 the above headline from over the weekend: "Members of Congress barred from saying 'Merry Christmas in mailings." Sounds like more leftist 20 percenter political correctness bullshit run amok, no? Only problem: Reading the underlying story (link at bottom), this ban appears to have nothing to do with any chickenshit leftist P.C. measures.

Instead, the U.S. House has a policy against members sending out official mailings (i.e. ones paid for by government monies) referring to any specific holiday. For example, they can't even say "Happy New Year" in an official mailing. The policy behind this? As best as I can tell, they don't want members trying to curry favor with constituents by sending "birthday, anniversary, wedding, birth, retirement or condolence messages and holiday greetings" on the government's dime.

That would seem to make a certain degree of sense since their opponents in election years certainly have no ability to use government funds to send out these types of targeted mailings. But even if you think the ban seems fairly petty or trivial (and you may have a decent point), I support this ban for entirely different reasons:

In the fiscal nightmare that is our federal government and Congress, with a current national debt of somewhere around $15 trillion (I've lost count of the exact figure), and with neither party appearing overly concerned or serious about making the cuts necessary to start cutting down that debt, the last thing these slimeball politicians on both sides need to be spending our taxpayer dollars on are costly mass mailings of holiday greetings to constituents. (How's that for a really long run-on sentence?!)

So regardless of what you think about the reasons behind the House's ban on these mailings, the end result comes out in the right place. And it's not an "ends justifies the means" scenario for me, since the premise behind the ban (as explained above) seems at least defensible and is not apparently based on any sort of alleged leftist 20 percenter disdain for Christmas references.

Besides, it appears that if any Congressmen really do have a strong heart's desire to send out a mass mailing of Christmas greetings to constituents, they have every ability to do so -- just so long as they pay for it themselves. Knock yourselves out with that, if you want, you scuzjob House members in both parties. Just expect the one that I receive to go straight into the rubbish bin.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Maybe the Red Mohawk, Piercings & Spider Tat Should've Been Her 1st Clue: Man Allegedly Ditches Date in Middle of Movie, Then Boosts Her Car Outside!

He obviously hated the movie. Not to mention her company. But he damn sure liked that car. At least she had that going for her. But her taste in men might use a tad of refining...

For some reason, the 35-year-old Tampa, Florida woman agreed to accompany the pictured Michael Pratt (27 years old) on a movie date. Maybe she's blind and thought he was a seeing-eye dog? Regardless, she agreed, and the two headed for the local cinema.

Half way through the picture, however, the woman says Pratt made a beeline straight for the exits, using as a subterfuge some lame excuse about needing to go outside. He never returned.

At that news, you'd think this broad would've been throwing a little celebration right there in the movie house. But she says was actually concerned about Pratt's welfare and therefore tried to give him a ring on the ol' blower.

Pratt answered the call and -- being ever the zany prankster -- allegedly started laughin' it up. His reported punch line before hanging up: "I've stolen your car!" With funny lines like that, I'd suspect Pratt was employing Obama's speechwriter if I didn't know better.

And you know, if you're gonna swipe someone's ride, you'd think one would at least want to get something out of it for himself. Maybe fence it off on the street. Or send it straight to the chop shop.

But nothing doin' like that here. Instead, cops say Pratt abandoned the 2012 Ford Focus (which was actually a rental car) in a Wal-Mart parking lot, where cops found it.

Now this alleged car poachin' Pratt-ster faces a Grand Theft Auto IV charge and a bit in the Big House in exchange for his little joyride (allegedly). But at least he did get a good laugh out of the whole caper (allegedly). Laughter's good for the troll.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Oh Deer! Florida Woman Allegedly Carves Up Her Old Man with a Pair of Damn Deer Antlers -- And Right in Front of Their Fawn!

[Preface: I wrote the intro line "Oh Deer" before seeing the UK Daily Mail's identical headline. Therefore, I'm keepin' it. On to the story...]

This is what I'd call a bona fide herbivore creature hardcore match between the old man and the old lady. Started off with Baby Daddy (Terry Nowakowski of Zephyrhills, Florida) stepping out of his and Baby Mama's joint to get on the blower with his new girlfriend right out there on the porch.

Bad move, since the old lady (23-year-old Chelsea Harrison; pictured above) reportedly promptly locked the old man's ass out the house in order to serve him a little Humble Pie. Then all hell broke loose:

First the old man says he tried to re-enter the home by taking the screen off the window. Sounds like a decent plan on its face, but when he stuck that big deer snout inside the winder, he claims the old lady clocked him one right the damn kisser!

And since at that point ringing the doorbell seemed eliminated as any kind of reasonably viable option, the old man says he naturally took the only logical next step: Breaking the freakin' door down! But much like the Mr. T Clubber Lang character in the old film Rocky III, this freak's old lady had a lotta more! A lotta more! (Allegedly)

After he stepped through the broken-down door lookin' like a deer in the headlights, Nowakowski's old lady allegedly came at Baby Daddy with a big giant set of deer antlers on a mounted deer head that she had ripped down from a wall or something!

And this venison broad did some real damage with them horns (and then some) (allegedly). In short, the old lady allegedly sliced up her old man's face with those antlers like a white-tailed machete through deer sausage!

Particularly, the Baby Mama allegedly "began striking him in the face and body with ends of the antlers" until she was so pooped that she couldn't keep her grip on that impromptu barbaric weapon any longer (finally losing "her grip and dropping" that big rack on the floor).

Witness Number One to all this butchery? None other than the couple's little 3-year-old deer fawn. That's just sick. Act like some sort of nefarious Neanderthal-reindeer cross-breed all you want, slimeballs and scuzwads of the world, but keep the kids out of it for chrissakes, you sleazejackets.

Regardless, cops say they found the old man's face looking like a jigsaw puzzle with several pieces carved out (I'd personally prefer to have just a couple of pieces gone). So cops busted the old lady's dirty hooves for domestic battery and offered her a free deer stand down in the hole.

I just hope she thought to smuggle a beam from them antlers inside with her. Since after all, a good shank a day (even in the ladies lockup) can help keep many a big buck away. Just watch out ya don't go over your limit.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Is This So Wrong? Florida Hobo Gets Himself a Sweet Pedicure, Even If a Stolen Credit Card Was Allegedly Involved...

They should cut these tramps a bit of slack every now and then. Sure, paying for goods or services rendered with a stolen credit card is never a good thing. But C'mon! I bet this bum hasn't felt so good since they cut off the free eats down at the local "occupy" protest...

He's 27-year-old vagrant Jonah Lee Troutman (pictured above), and apparently this wanderer's toe nail hygiene ain't been exactly the best lately. Since why else would this nomad allegedly blow a stolen credit card on a pedicure rather than loading up on smokes, eats or 40-ouncers?

In short, he must have felt he really needed that foot job. And I'm actually sympathetic over here. How many stories do we read about these hobos lifting copper from anything possible and pulling frauds (sometimes of the credit card variety) just to get their drink or drugs on?

The fact that one of these vagabonds would instead (allegedly) take the opportunity to get a little hoof love raises a genuine smile on my face. Plus just think: The damn BALLS on this bindlestiff!

For the record, this stinkpot's little left-turn into the lap of luxury finally went awry (allegedly) when the credit card was declined up at the counter at Nancy's Nails in Tampa. Troutman reportedly told cops that he found the card out on the street and felt that "finding it was a blessing from God."

While I personally think the best law enforcement measure here would have been to tell this floater to get the hell out of Dodge and never show his face around there again, cops still busted his Rum Dum ass with charges of illegal credit card use and petty theft, garnering him a one-way ticket to the hoosegow. At least he'll get his own foot locker down there.