Saturday, December 17, 2011
Oh Deer! Florida Woman Allegedly Carves Up Her Old Man with a Pair of Damn Deer Antlers -- And Right in Front of Their Fawn!
[Preface: I wrote the intro line "Oh Deer" before seeing the UK Daily Mail's identical headline. Therefore, I'm keepin' it. On to the story...]
This is what I'd call a bona fide herbivore creature hardcore match between the old man and the old lady. Started off with Baby Daddy (Terry Nowakowski of Zephyrhills, Florida) stepping out of his and Baby Mama's joint to get on the blower with his new girlfriend right out there on the porch.
Bad move, since the old lady (23-year-old Chelsea Harrison; pictured above) reportedly promptly locked the old man's ass out the house in order to serve him a little Humble Pie. Then all hell broke loose:
First the old man says he tried to re-enter the home by taking the screen off the window. Sounds like a decent plan on its face, but when he stuck that big deer snout inside the winder, he claims the old lady clocked him one right the damn kisser!
And since at that point ringing the doorbell seemed eliminated as any kind of reasonably viable option, the old man says he naturally took the only logical next step: Breaking the freakin' door down! But much like the Mr. T Clubber Lang character in the old film Rocky III, this freak's old lady had a lotta more! A lotta more! (Allegedly)
After he stepped through the broken-down door lookin' like a deer in the headlights, Nowakowski's old lady allegedly came at Baby Daddy with a big giant set of deer antlers on a mounted deer head that she had ripped down from a wall or something!
And this venison broad did some real damage with them horns (and then some) (allegedly). In short, the old lady allegedly sliced up her old man's face with those antlers like a white-tailed machete through deer sausage!
Particularly, the Baby Mama allegedly "began striking him in the face and body with ends of the antlers" until she was so pooped that she couldn't keep her grip on that impromptu barbaric weapon any longer (finally losing "her grip and dropping" that big rack on the floor).
Witness Number One to all this butchery? None other than the couple's little 3-year-old deer fawn. That's just sick. Act like some sort of nefarious Neanderthal-reindeer cross-breed all you want, slimeballs and scuzwads of the world, but keep the kids out of it for chrissakes, you sleazejackets.
Regardless, cops say they found the old man's face looking like a jigsaw puzzle with several pieces carved out (I'd personally prefer to have just a couple of pieces gone). So cops busted the old lady's dirty hooves for domestic battery and offered her a free deer stand down in the hole.
I just hope she thought to smuggle a beam from them antlers inside with her. Since after all, a good shank a day (even in the ladies lockup) can help keep many a big buck away. Just watch out ya don't go over your limit.