Monday, October 31, 2011

Precisely Why I Personally Shy Away from Keeping a Guillotine Around the House: You Might Get a Body Part Hacked Off, Like This Fool in Washington...

Homemade cutting and sawing contraptions often have a lot of utility in our everyday lives. Nothing like a good sawhorse out in the garage. Or maybe a makeshift log splitter or wood chipper out in the back. But since neither I nor most people are employed as either an executioner or a French Revolutionary, I've always stayed away from the whole home guillotine thing, myself. But not so for one Bellingham, Washington man this week...

Cops there say the local man for some reason felt compelled to construct a homemade guillotine, with an ultra-sharp drop blade and all. The Real McCoy, you might say, as if this real-life Sydney Carton had perhaps read Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" one too many times in the past.

Even in the best of times, of course, the primary issue with owning your own guillotine is the pesky nature of those things to chop off pert near any bodily appendange with which the giant blade might happen to come in contact. Which brings us back to the homemade guillotine freak in Washington...

It seems he was fully aware of the health risks of sticking one's neck inside a guillotine. No way was he ever gonna give that a whirl. But since no one's ever heard of an arm getting sliced off by a guillotine, perhaps that little danger just never occurred to the guy?

Regardless, his guillotine "unexpectedly dropped on his shoulder Thursday morning," which completely severed his arm off. And apparently this guy thought that a little more than just his arm had been hacked off, since his first move after the incident was to make a beeline to the nearest urology clinic. (You just can't make this stuff up).

And while I'm sure the clinic would have been happy to reattach his package, that simply wasn't the appendage at issue here. Obviously not used to seeing severed arm victims at the urology clinic very often, a woman at the clinic reportedly looked at the man's armless shoulder and told him, "I hope that's just a Halloween costume." Said another worker: "It was a sight."

After the man was finished entertaining the clinic staff, they finally got him headed in the right direction -- calling 9-1-1 to take him two blocks down the street to the nearest hospital. Meantime cops were able to return to the scene and retrieve both the chopped off limb and the guillotine.

No word whether doctors were able to reattach the arm, but the cops have reportedly "dismantled" the guillotine. Curmudgeons. No revolutionary spirit at all, even with all the "occupy" protests going on! After making a punk play like that, these cops better watch out for Madame Defarge and her crew showing up down there to storm the pokey.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Monopoly Madness: "Yes, I Fucked Him Up!" Crazed Woman Allegedly Slashes Up Her Old Man for Cheating at the Popular Board Game!

Is THIS the depths to which we've sunk in Obama's America, 2011 AD? Where damn Parker Brothers board and dice games are leading to slice-and-dice assaults on a regular basis? First it was the recent story of the Yahtzee game that got dicey, and now some broad in New Mexico allegedly went Jason Voorhees on her old man for "cheating" at Monopoly!

As I did with the Yahtzee item, I can only ponder what the suspected "cheating" might have entailed: I betcha this boyfriend landed on Free Parking and snagged all the dough even though his dice roll should have put his little Thimble a spot short. Been there, done that.

Either that, or he was acting as the Banker and gave himself a little Wall Street bonus on the sly after he passed GO. Or he could have just been trying to charge too much rent after the old lady landed on Oriental Avenue. (BTW, shouldn't that be "Asian Avenue"?)

But regardless of what it was, the pictured 60-year-old Laura Chavez was in no mood to give her boyfriend Butch a blow under the Boardwalk. Instead, she turned into a different kind of Janis Soprano and pulled a Richie Aprile on her old man's cheatin' ass -- first clocking him one right in the kisser with a glass bottle (allegedly).

And since a good bottle shot can only do so much damage, this demented dame (allegedly) naturally upped the ante and gave the old man the full Water Works -- grabbing a knife and hacking up her beau about the head, neck and breast like she was trying to break into the Community Chest (allegedly). (OK, I made up the breast part).

Butch is just lucky he didn't receive an Atlantic City scalping like the one doled out by Richard the Fake Face Guy on last week's episode of "Boardwalk Empire." Regardless, cops found Butchie bloodied and battered when they arrived, while his old lady casually sat out on the front porch "covered" in her old man's blood.

When asked by cops if that was Butch's blood all over her hide, she snorted: "Yes, I fucked him up!" Apparently for good measure, Chavez also took to trying to give a Baltic Avenue beatdown to one of the cops, since she now faces a charge of battery on a law enforcement officer in addition to aggravated battery on her old man.

And just like an unfortunate roll of the dice or the wrong card from Chance pile, cops took Chavez to jail -- "directly to jail" -- where she's being held "in lieu of $5000 bond (or until she rolls doubles)." (You gotta love The Smoking Gun; link at bottom).

If ultimately convicted of her alleged crimes, they'll undoubtedly have to transport Chavez from the local lockup to the state hoosegow. No word whether it'll be the Reading or the B&O Railroad that's utilized for the transfer. Butch may show up there too, but he'll be Just Visiting, of course.

Friday, October 28, 2011

See, No Weapons Here, Officer! Maniacal Topless Broad Allegedly Takes Cops on 128 MPH Car Chase at 4:00 AM, Then Tries to Trash the Police Cruiser!

She might of gotten away with it, too, if only she was Danica Patrick. Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "speed thrills," cops in Hiram, Ohio say the pictured 28-year-old Erin B. Holdsworth stripped down nearly buck naked this week before embarking on a wild joy ride at speeds well in excess of 120 MPH around four in the morning.

When, after a car chase, the cops finally got this bare-skinned broad's ass pulled over, the surveillance video shows the denuded dame stumblin' and staggerin' all over the road -- topless and all -- like a hobo who just fell out a freight car on the Union Pacific Flyer.

Once cops had a chance to inventory this dish's wardrobe (or lack thereof), the final tally was no top, "fishnet stockings, a g-string and high heels." No word whether her car came equipped with a stripper pole and a couple of patrons in the backseat.

And this leafless little number was reportedly none too happy that cops had brought her stark-naked highway streak to a screeching halt. Surveillance video shows this top-hating threadbare raisin' a ragin' ruckus right in the back of the damn police cruiser!

Now this dish without a stitch may have to do her topless routines in the community shower in the ladies' lockup, since cops have hammered her bare ass with a veritable bevy of criminal charges relating to reckless and impaired driving, fleeing cops, and tearing up the back of the cruiser (allegedly).

I just hope that before they let this disrobed doll behind the wheel ever again, she's forced to take a driver's edumacation course and the instructor learns her the critical lesson (which may save her life someday) that high-speed topless turns can cause a car to capsize.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Falling on Deaf Ears: "Pass This Jobs Bill Now . . . We Can't Wait!"

With unemployment at 10%, there was plenty of time for waiting around in 2009 AD, when this individual spent 10 months focusing on his far leftist monstrosity of a health care bill.

And there was plenty of time for waiting around in 2010 AD, when this individual played a ton of golf and enjoyed his vacationing.

And there was plenty of time for waiting around in the first half of 2011 AD, when this individual focused on unnecessary neoconservative military involvements in Libya and bragging up the execution of Bin Laden.

Meantime the employment rate has hovered between 8% and 10% since 2009 AD. But nothing like an election one year out to finally get an individual's attention.

America's unemployment nightmare is, after all, a great crisis to be capitalized upon by half-hearted leftist spending legislation (titled "jobs bill") never intended to pass but instead concocted to create campaign talking points.

And we the American people ever did what, precisely, to deserve 12 years of ruin wrought by this individual and his equally incompetent and moronic predecessor?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

He Suffered a "Particularly Very Serious Wound to His Scrotum": English Woman Busted for Gnawing Off Her Old Man's Testicles!

It's among some of the first thoughts that naturally come to mind whenever a broad engages in a domestic dispute: Slap his face; Throw a shoe at him; Push him down; Mutilate him by chewing off his balls, etc. It's just a shame when things have to do down that way...

And cops in England say that just's precisely how 44-year-old Maria Topp went down on her old man during a fight between the girlfriend and boyfriend earlier this year. In particular, Maria (pictured above) has "admitted biting off her boyfriend's testicles."

Cops say the old lady was drunk during her late night shark attack on her old man's crotch, although I'm not altogether sure what led cops to that conclusion. And at least the old lady didn't go canniballs like so many of these deranged freaks recently:

Instead, Maria apparently spit out said genitals once she'd chomped them off, giving her old man the opportunity to collect the family jewels and have them "re-attached" at the local hospital. But before you say ball's well that ends well, there's still the little matter of the old lady's crime.

Maria might've wanted to keep her mouth shut about the incident afterward. It seems that if she had only twisted off the old man's scrotum with her hands, she would have faced a lesser criminal charge. But prosecutors say her admission that she bit off the nut sack means a tougher charge. "It is an aggravating feature that she used her teeth," prounounced one of the prosecutors.

Still, though, she's reportedly only facing a maximum of five years for her heinous little meatball feast. And listening to some of the judge's statements, I wouldn't be surprised if she never serves a day.

Following Maria's guilty plea, the judge basically threw up his hands and talked to the maniacal mistress as if she was the judge's 10-year-old daughter who'd just caught smoking in the shithouse. "I have no idea what I am going to do with you," lamented the judge.

One "option," the judge continued, may be to "lock you up." What a hardass! I guess a man's package is not his castle across the pond. Dine away, ladies!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Lovebirds Picnic, Make Out on an 800-Foot Ledge: These People Are Sick -- They Need Help!

My first advice to this psychopathic pairing would've been, "Stay away from that edge but if not, then don't look down, hang in there, and don't go anywhere." But these sick 20-somethings weren't paying any attention, as a photographer recently captured them shinnying their way down to the tiny, narrow edge of Australia's notorious "Hanging Rock." What a couple of goofs.

Hanging Rock stands 800 feet above Grose River Gorge in the Blue Mountains of New South Wales. There are no signs leading the public to it, since guess what: They don't want people doing what this deranged duo did, for cryin' out loud!

Hanging Rock was the subject of a 1975 AD movie, Picnic at Hanging Rock, in which a school teacher and several pupils had a little picnic on the dangerous rock overhang and were never heard from again. Gee, I wonder what ever happened to them?

These pictures, BTW, were reportedly snapped by a photographer named Michael Matthews stationed at a much safer lookout point in the area. Matthews says he was startled to see that these demented freaks had made their way down the very tip of the rock, which is only about a foot wide -- especially on a particularly windy day on which he says it would have been easy to fall off.

Just for good measure, he says, this twisted twosome did a little huggin' and smoochin' down at the end of that rock, followed by the coup de grace: An apparent attempt to reenact the old movie -- sans the fall to the bottom of the gorge -- by holding a damn picnic up there! No word whether bananas, nuts and crackers were on the picnic menu for these two batty bookends.

I'm just surprised these two kooks didn't try to have sex while juggling some bowling pins and whistlin' Dixie up on that rock. Maybe they're saving that for next weekend's act. As for this time, photographer Matthews says the crazed tandem eventually finished their lunch and make-out session and then made their way back to safety. One can only hope these two lunatics next made a beeline straight for the nearest booby hatch. And kids: Never climb in insanely dangerous and unsupported high places.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Halloween Hang Up: Demented Biracial Scarecrow Swinging from a Tree Isn't Exactly a Big Halloween Hit in the Big Apple...

Is this finally the smoking gun that leftist 20 percenters have been looking for to prove their assertion that tea partiers' primary objective is to see all black Americans hanging from a tree? Impossible to tell, but one thing's for sure:

One Brooklyn homeowner has taken Halloween horror to the extreme this year with a freakish scarecrow -- complete with a black face and mysterious white hands -- hanging from a tree by a noose (pictures above and below). And the neighborhood's none too happy (links at bottom).

"This is not a trick or treat," exclaimed local city councilman Charles Barron, who says the sick display conjures of images of black lynchings from the past: "The scarecrow is offensive and reprehensible not only to the black community, but to all those who have a history of persecution or have been victimized by lynch mobs."

But other locals are defending the monstrosity, saying that all the rage is an "overreaction" and pointing out that the same scarecrow has been hung out on that tree for the past six Halloweens without any objections. "It's part of the Halloween spirit," crowed local woman Nicole Clemente.

Meantime the homeowner (political affiliation unknown) is apparently staying mum on the whole situation, while cops yanked down the twisted effigy on their own, saying the homeowner's tree "is considered city property."

Regardless of any racial motives (or lack thereof) here, I've got a quick suggestion for Halloween decorators everywhere: If you're going to put a scarecrow out there, make it look like a damn scarecrow and not a human being. And for God sakes, don't hang the damn thing by a noose from a freakin' tree! You know, pulling off your Halloween decorations without creating an international incident ain't exactly rocket science over here.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Dear Abby, He Ain't: Tweeting Twit gop-er Politician Raises a Ruckus with Crazy Advice Tweets Telling Women to be "Whores" (Among Other Things)...

You won't see this one on the Drudge Report. Republic partisan New Jersey Senate candidate Phil Mitsch is in a caldron of hot water over deranged "advice" tweets that this advice columnist wannabe reportedly blasts out like stench from an Alabama shithouse -- "offering nuggets of advice on everything from finances, politics, relationships and sex" (links at bottom). And now his loose-lipped "generosity" may just cost him his political career...

Having been divorced for the past 20 years, this moron Mitsch is, of course, the best person to be handing out relationship pointers over the Net. So in a recent tweet, Mitsch advised the women among his 44,000 Twitter followers that if they want to keep their man, they should try to be "a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom." Now who in her right mind would ever want to divorce a charmer like that?

Mitsch has defended the tweet by saying he was just doling out a "relationship tip" in the form of a "time worn phrase" and was not trying to be disrespectful to women. He's also issued the typical non-apology apology ("I apologize if I offended anyone..."). But none of that has stopped fellow gop-ers as well as democrat party people alike from jumping all over his advice-imparting ass.

"This is the year 2011, not 1811," crowed one local democrat party politician in one of the funnier lines I've read this week. Continued the democrat pol (named Pamela Lampitt): "Mr. Mitsch should resign immediately from the ballot for his disgusting anti-women remarks."

And it's not like this is an isolated instance when it comes to Mitsch's bizarre "advice" and "motivational" tweets. Other tweets of his have ranged from the brain-dead to the just plain demented. An example of the former was a tweet containing a "leadership tip" from Mitsch that "great leaders" lead their followers "in the right direction." Gee, never thought of it quite that way. Sort of like how great athletes tend to, you know, play their sport real well.

Another example shows the more maniacal side of Mitsch's "advice" efforts: "Drinking draino and smoking dutch cleanser will only get a very few people through life." Where would Mitsch's Twitter followers be without him around to them these things? No doubt strolling down that dangerous road to ruin that's marked by drinking household cleaning products and failing to whore it up in the sack.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine: Startling Connections Between gop-er Pres Candidate Herman Cain & Late Rock Legend John Lennon Revealed...

I saw a poll Thursday in which republic partisan presidential candidate Herman Cain now leads Mitt Romney by seven percentage points in the critical early nominating state of Iowa. This must have the gop-er "establishment" (which heavily favors Romney) absolutely perplexed, despite their habitual posturing that Cain has no chance at the nomination given his lack of organizational and fundraising apparatus in place in most states.

And seemingly adding to the current good (instant) karma for the "Cain Train" are the many remarkable emerging similarities and connections between the Hermanator and the late great John Lennon. Would Lennon have been a Cain supporter? Lift me up off the floor after I stop laughing. However, a strangely eerie connection is there, undeniably. To wit:

1. Everywhere a Number Nine: The number nine was very important to Lennon. It seemed like all of the important dates of his life always had a nine in them. Lennon used the number nine in a number of song titles and lyrics over the years. For example, check out sometime (at the very bottom of this post) the "number nine" chant in Lennon's "Revolution No. 9" from the Beatles' White Album. And what's Herman Cain's most significant proposal and buzz phrase? "9-9-9" of course, in reference to Cain's plan to overhaul the federal tax system. Lennon would liked the plan's name, if not (likely) the substance behind it.

2. Imagine That: Perhaps the ultimate Lennon signature song was "Imagine," a truly beautiful song regardless of what you think of the Utopian lyrics. And what song from Herman Cain has recently gone viral on YouTube? That would be Cain's 1991 AD version of Lennon's "Imagine" -- which Cain altered slightly (OK, a lot) to become "Imagine There's No Pizza" -- at a Godfather's Pizza convention. You just can't make this stuff up.

3. The Rumors of His Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated: Lennon -- often as the inadvertent result of his own songs and lyrics -- had to entertain constant questions about "Paul Is Dead" rumors throughout the 60's and 70's AD. Cain had to entertain the issue of the Godfather's Pizza chain being dead when he took over as CEO in 1986 AD, proclaiming to employees at the time, "We are not dead." (True story)

4. The Kansas City Connection: Lennon recorded "Kansas City" with the Beatles and once (also with the Beatles) played old Municipal Stadium over at 22nd & Brooklyn in Kansas City. Herman Cain was previously chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City. In addition, Cain has been previously blamed by the American left for being a key factor in bringing down HillaryCare in 1994 AD after he challenged Bill Clinton on the proposed legislation at a town hall meeting in -- you guessed it -- Kansas City. This is really startin' to get weird.

5. We Were Poor, But We Had Love: Both Lennon and Cain grew up in "working poor" families and were raised by women in the services industries (Cain's mom a maid and Lennon's Aunt Mimi a secretary).

6. A Couple of Albert Einsteins: Cain grew up in the 60's AD on Albert Street in the Collier Heights neighborhood of Hotlanta. Lennon once sang about Albert Hall in the 60's AD, positing the question of how many holes it would take to fill up the joint (an historic English concert hall). Not to mention, there were two different Alberts (including one of the Einstein variety obscured over Lennon's right shoulder) amongst the motley crew of characters adorning the Beatles' legendary Sgt. Pepper album cover.

7. Well I'm Not Going to Try THAT One Again: Both men were heavily linked to two of the worst presidential campaigns in modern American history: (1) Cain worked for the Dole/Kemp campaign in 1996 AD; and (2) Lennon was a huge supporter of the 1972 AD campaign of George McGovern -- to this day perhaps the only major presidential nominee in American history to the left of Barack H. Obama.

8. The Walrus Was Paul: John Lennon once sang about "yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye." Herman Cain has experienced the same phenomenon up close and personal, having now watched Rick Perry's performance in the last several gop-er debates.

9. #9 Nightmare: Lennon was truly victimized by incessant bullshit efforts by the Nixon administration to harass him and deport him from the country. If Cain ends up being the gop-ers' nominee for president, he will likewise learn a whole new meaning for the word "victimized" as he experiences personal attacks from the campaign of the most Nixonian president since Tricky Dick himself, Barack H. Obama -- a man whose campaign has previously publicly vowed to "kill" the gop-er nominee next year through character assassination. Better be careful what you wish for, Herman. Imagine there's no decency...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

She Came, She Sawed, She Almost Conquered: Woman Allegedly Tries to Whack Off Her Old Man's Head with a Buzz Saw and a Hatchet!

Wonder if she'd just watched Saw 47? Regardless, something allegedly turned a 43-year-old Washington state woman into an amateur sawbones practicing without a license last Friday (allegedly). I've heard of an angry spouse trying to cut the other spouse down to size, but this is absolutely ridiculous...

Cops in Everett, Washington say that the woman's old man (age 36) awoke Friday night to the romantic sounds of a "power tool whirring at his neck." The guy says his old lady was trying to hack off his melon with a damn power saw! This deranged saw dame reportedly failed to pull it off, for lack of a better phrase, but still left her old man's "head and neck covered in bloody cuts."

The bloody victim says he foiled his old lady's attempt to stick his mush on the butcher block by quickly switching on the light, which he says revealed his old lady "menacingly holding" the buzz saw near his neck.

And if at first you don't succeed: Just for good measure, the dude says his old lady also tried to take off his head by coming after him with a hatchet that same night. Cops say they found the hatchet "wet" on a kitchen shelf, as if the old lady had tried to give it a quick wash down to try to spoliate the evidence (allegedly).

Cops say they also recovered the buzz saw plus a ton of blood splattered all over the joint's carpets and walls. Plus, they also have the old man's mangled head and neck as Exhibit 1.

And it's not like the old man's story has changed in this thing. From the moment cops arrived, he reportedly exclaimed, "It was you, it was you - you tried to cut my head off. You're going to jail!" Somehow I don't see this motley twosome burying the hatchet over this whole incident anytime soon.

Meantime cops have busted this saw-swingin' broad's (allegedly) ass on a charge of domestic violence assault (NOT attempted murder?!?), meaning her next hatchet job (allegedly) may have to go down inside the wood shop at the local hoosegow.

But the old lady is not without a defense over there. She says she grabbed the buzz saw that evening because she thought she heard an intruder trying to escape the house through a daughter's window (not enter, mind you, but escape). Which only makes perfect sense:

You hear an intruder trying to get away scot-free by leaping out a window in another room, and so you would naturally fire up a power saw right there in the bedroom and accost the old man with it! I have to admit that I'm struggling to grasp the reasoning here, but perhaps she was just really, really pissed off that the old man hadn't done more to thwart the alleged burglar's escape?

But it doesn't appear to matter much. Cops say there was no sign of any intruder. The home's doors were locked from the inside, and the daughter's window had a child lock that prevented it from opening more than a couple of inches. Maybe the old lady can claim that you can't blame her faulty hearing given the loud racket that damn power saw was making?