Wednesday, August 31, 2011

It Wasn't Anthony's Weiner Down There: TSA Efforts Discover That Man Has Big Snake in His Trousers. And Before You Say Of Course They Did... least this time the TSA agents, for a change, didn't even have to grope the man up to discover his long trouser snake. The strange thing was -- this snake had two eyes. And there were a whole lot more.

The feds busted a Florida man this past week for allegedly trying to smuggle a gaggle of snakes and turtles (pictures below) aboard an international flight by stuffing the repulsive reptiles right down his britches! After this bestial bust went down, TSA scored a touchdown and a field goal, tallying up a final score of seven snakes and three tortoises.

And TSA agents seem to be going out of their way to explain that it wasn't one of their typical grope jobs that resulted in an agent putting his hands on the two-eyed Willies lurking hidden beneath the man's drawers (allegedly). Rather, it was one of those "minimally invasive" full body scans. Or, as the TSA explains, it "used imaging technology, which allows agents to find potential threats hidden from the naked eye." Glad they cleared that up.

The Florida man was reportedly trying to board a flight to Brazil at the Miami airport. Which makes me surprised he didn't have a Portuguese Man o' War down there amongst the other creatures. And who knows what deranged experiments that Josef Mengele had in mind for these reptiles on the other end of this flight -- presuming, of course, that the Angel of Death was the prospective buyer.

Alternatively, I wonder if that horde of snakes and turtles was actually the Florida man's own little demented version of the Brazilian butt-lift workout? There's no better way to "transform your booty now," after all, even if such a maneuver -- using live reptiles and all -- could earn this guy a one-way ticket to the snakepit.

Regardless, on a day when Texas singer and failed politician Kinky Friedman spouted that "Obama has done for the economy what pantyhose did for foreplay," this Florida snake man may have set the merits of pantyhose back even further. The TSA says the man had all the reptiles decked out in ladies' hose before shoving them inside his pants. Turtle legs likely never looked so sexy, even if they do taste like chicken.

And if you think this man's now gonna be sent up the Amazon River faster than a piranha swarm in the Brazilian rain forest, then you might want to think again. He's apparently facing charges for what's being called "ssssmuggling" and harboring animals in an "unnatural habit." (One way of putting it).

But therein likely may lie his defense. Isn't the "natural habitat" for a slimy, slithery reptile a cold, damp, dark, smelly joint -- just like the crotch allegedly involved here? Scale for thought.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"Is Rick Perry Dumb?," Asks Media Outlet.
Can Three Texas Prairie Dogs Hold a Menage a Trois in a Waco Shithouse?

The Answer (to both questions): No freakin' idea. Frankly, don't care. I'm clearly on record in this space as being no fan at all of Perry (the Texas gop'er running for president). Whether he's dumb, brilliant, or just mediocre in terms of political intellect (mediocre at best is about where I'd stick Obama, BTW) really makes no difference to me.

That's because Perry's a prototypical deranged right-winger and then some, and I ain't votin' for him no more than I'd consider ever voting for a loony leftist 20 percenter democrat party member like Obama. Concealed weapons in college classrooms, repeated secession talk, and calling evolution a "theory" does that to any sane Independent. But I digress.

A few points from's "Is Rick Perry Dumb?" headline today: First, I can't really imagine any of the so-called "mainstream" media outlets -- of which the slightly left-leaning Politico is a member -- ever, ever, ever titling a story like that if a democrat party candidate was the subject. And make no mistake, just as many democrat party members as republic partisans are as stupid as an Urban Cowboy wedding gift or a military involvement in Libya.

So why not any "Is Joe Biden dumb?" or a "Is Patty 'Wasserman' Simpson dumb?" headlines every now and then from the "mainstreamers"? Those two dumbasses regularly make comments just as stupid as some of the craziest things I've ever heard Perry spout (which is really sayin' something).

It's a novel concept: Consistency. One of the few things I ask for (but never get) from these slimeball politicians and their partisan advocates in the media. As stated before: My Missouri J-degree ain't worth the paper it's printed on anymore.

Second, I've noticed the theme of questioning Perry's intelligence starting to gain some traction from the leftist pundits and the "mainstream" media that likes to blindly follow the leftist talking heads' lead. It will be interesting to see if that ultimately backfires on the leftists.

I think Perry's reactive course of action is pretty obvious and not overly difficult. He needs to come up with a bag of one-liners that lightly poke fun at suggestions as to his dimwittedness (no matter how true those suggestions might be). Not only that, but he needs a few of those lines to turn the tables on the criticism.

I'm reminded of Reagan's famous line about not letting his opponent's age (the younger Mondale's) become an issue in the 1984 presidential campaign. If Perry's smart (or at least somewhat intelligent), he'll find a way to turn this whole thing to his political advantage. Otherwise, I guess the Politico has a point.

Monday, August 29, 2011

PLEASE Take Her Home, Already, Mickey! 80's One-hit Wonder Tony Basil Says Music Producer Is Hiding Her "Mickey" From the World!

I say take her by the hooves, Mickey, and get her the hell out of here, Mickey. Because it's gals like her, Mickey. I say that because 67-year-old Tony Basil is raising quite the stink these days over her one chart hit -- 1982's "Mickey." Would someone please slip the old fossil a Mickey to calm her down, please?

In a new lawsuit, Basil is accusing the song's producer of hiding the song's master recordings and moving them all over the Big Apple so no one get at them. And trust me, I'm sure there's no shortage of people, groups and organizations out there clamoring just to get a hold of the Mickey tapes. I've heard Indiana Jones may even take the case.

Basil says the master tapes belong to her (just coming to that realization now, Toni?) and she wants the producer to turn 'em over, damn it! Producer ain't so fine, she might say.

But what blows my mind is that anyone, including Basil, would really care. Hell, I think this producer is doing us all a huge favor.

Because, truth be told, "Mickey" has to be one of the most annoying pieces of bubblegum drivel ever to hit the Billboard Hot 100. "Mickey" makes Rebecca Black's "Friday" sound like Beethoven's Fifth. If the Mickey master tapes are hidden in some Manhattan basement, let them stay there, I say.

And if we're lucky, Hurricane Irene flooded said basement and swept Mickey forever away into the sewer system. Oh, Mickey, what a pity!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Clowns to the Left, Jokers to the Right: Gore Blames Eating Meat for Global Warming, While Robertson Says Earthquake Means Second Coming of Christ...

The left-wing loons and deranged right-wingers sure seem to be out in full lunacy and madness this weekend. Ever noticed with them: Every natural disaster or alleged climate trend is either (1) an opportunity to blame a political opponent, (2) a false excuse to grow regulation and government, or (3) some sort of twisted sign from God. I can only imagine the drivel they'll be spewing once Hurricane Irene says Goodnight in a few days!

And so it is this weekend that we first get right-wing goof Pat Robertson saying that the recent east coast earthquake is proof positive that we are all about the experience the Second Coming of Christ (first link at bottom). Blathers Pat: "Now there's a crack in [the Washington Monument]. Is that a sign from the Lord? You judge. It seems to be symbolic."

This from a guy who last year blamed the Haitian earthquake on the Haitian people for making a "pact with the devil" and blamed Hurricane Katrina on legalized abortion.

BTW, I thought Bush caused Hurricane Katrina to occur? The left and right might consider getting together for some mindless "compromise" here like Obama and the democrat party are always barking about recently. For example: They could agree to split the difference and blame Katrina on a speech Bush once gave opposing legalized abortion. Talk about a "grand bargain"!

And that brings us to shameless leftist 20 percenter bloviator and Inventor of the Internet, Al Gore. He's out there this weekend telling all of us that we need to cut down on the meat in our diets since our "meat-intensive diets" are to blame for global warming (second link at bottom).

This from a guy who looks like he hasn't missed a meal or a good Whopper w/ Cheese in 10 freakin' years! Just look at that fat tub of goo! Hey Al: I'll agree to cut down on my meat if you'll agree to go on a damn diet already. You're a walking heart attack, fatman.

Oh, and just for good measure, Gore this weekend is also comparing skeptics of his global warming theories with "racists." According to Gore, you should talk the same way to such a skeptic as you talk to a racist.

To wit (and an exact quote from Gore regarding how he suggests that you respond to both a racist and a skeptic of his so-called scientific theories): "Hey man, why do you talk that way? That's wrong, I don't go for that, so don't talk that way around me." Now, while I didn't hear the audio on that one, I would assume that he tossed in a good sigh or two between each of those dumbass phrases.

Gosh, where would we all be without these far left and right-wing talking heads and politicians to tell all of us how to talk, how to think, how to act, what to eat, and how to interpret and construe the meaning of natural disasters? I don't think I could so much as muster up a good compromise in my life without their unfailing wisdom and stature to guide me. All hail the partisan freaks!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

They'll Top You Off AND Take Their Top Off: "Bikini Baristas" Allegedly "Pole Danced & Flashed Their Breasts For Tips" Down at the Ol' Coffee Shop!

I wonder if they ask: What would you like for your second cup, an espresso or a 32-DD? But despite a general affinity for coffee and certain round pastries, cops in Seattle are not amused and have thrown the coffee table book at the female owner of a string of espresso joints called "Java Juggs" (which come complete with a drive-thru).

The offense? Well, that involved allegedly serving up a little bump-and-grind along with the daily grind. (Unidentified Java Juggs babes are pictured above and below from the chain's Facebook page).

Cops say the owner -- 49-year-old Carmela Panico -- was not only complicit in the coffee shenanigans, but was also a rather hands-on owner in that she allegedly got in on the action herself at one of the chain's locations.

That particular espresso stand, cops say, was equipped with a "floor-to-ceiling stripper pole," just like a strip joint. Cops say they have nine hours of surveillance video at the Java Juggs, including footage of owner Carmela and another broad "doing pole dances, flashing their breasts, and letting a regular trickle of early-morning customers watch them for tips." I think I could really use a cuppa joe right about now.

In terms of active owners, Carmela reportedly makes Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder look like MIA's, as Carmela -- "clad in hot pants and a cropped shirt" -- allegedly "was seen sitting on a window ledge" at Java Juggs as she was "spanking herself."

Cops also say they have Carmela on tape taking a hold of a man's mush and sticking it right in the middle of her melons, not to mention permitting male patrons to stick buck tips in her damn bra. And apparently Carmela's an even Badder Influence on her young female employees than Rob Lowe in a bad 80's picture:

Cops say one worker was viewed lowering her bikini top and rubbing up her rack right in front of the morning customers. But it seems the baristas were just getting warmed up at that point.

One undercover cop says he plopped down 20 bucks in front of a barista "in a tiger-print, string bikini." The barista then allegedly asked him, "Are you a naughty boy?" When he replied in the affirmative, this day-startin' dame allegedly got some tunes jammin', "slid her bikini top and bottom around, climbed up the pole, and did the splits"!

The same stooly cop says he also ran his little party-pooper sting on owner Carmela. The cop says he bucked up another 20 to Carmela, and in return received "a dance involving some pole-grabbing and butt-shaking." Not clear from the linked articles, however, is whether that description refers to the stripper pole, the cop's own nightstick or (who the hell knows) maybe both.

But that 20 dollar bill won't buy Carmela a cup of coffee on the street these days, since cops have busted her on charges of "lewd conduct" for all the alleged pole dancing and performance of "sexually explicit acts for tips." Sounds like a permanent coffee break for Juan Valdez's best.

Meantime six of the brain juice baristas are also facing misdemeanor charges. I just hope there's probation waiting at the bottom of these babes' coffee pots, since it would be asinine if these baristas have to wake up and smell the coffee in the local hoosegow for such a small bag a' coffee beans.

Friday, August 26, 2011

One Minute They're Laughin', Next Minute They're Cryin': Evil Circus Clowns Try to Pull Diamond Caper, But Get Stuck with a Pink Fistful a' Fugazis!

I guess the old adage about diamonds, best friends and dames doesn't exactly translate so well to evil circus clowns. Cops in Denver say the hijinks started when a couple of face-painted circus freaks burst into a local jewelry store this week with guns a' wavin' and just itchin' to knock the joint over (various surveillance pics above). But it was definitely no laughing matter for these two criminal comics once this piece of work was over.

The surveillance video shows this doltish duo cocking their guns as they entered the jewelry store, "Sonny's Rocks." (Which, as a preliminary matter, begs two distinct questions: (1) Who owns this store, anyway, Donnie Brasco and Lefty Horsec*ck?; and (2) Whom precisely did Sonny have to whack out to get them rocks? Frank Rizzo, no doubt.)

Then the video shows the two gun-totin' gagsters, "who were both dressed in bizarre costumes and wearing white face paint," pointing their guns at the heads of the store's patrons and employees and forcing them to get on the damn floor.

The store's alleged "manager," Mark Allen (a frontman for Brasco?), actually seemed quite taken aback at the sight of two robbers wearing, of all things, a disguise: "It's surreal, they came in with clown makeup on. They were, like, in costume," he crowed. Or in full-on Beatnik: It was, like, Surrealsville, Daddy-O.

After reportedly pulling a "nobody move nobody get hurt" routine on the floor-huggers, these two jewelry-smitten jokesmiths stuck a gun to Allen's head and allegedly gave him a choice of either his key or his brains hitting the joint's display cases.

Allen chose the former and helped the two jewelry jesters load up all of the store's display loot before the not-so-humorous tandem made its getaway. But now "the joke may be on the clowns," who seem to have "acted the fool" -- literally.

That's because "Sonny's Rocks" has joined the 2010's and (like most rock emporiums recently) only stocks rocks that are fake when it comes to its display cases.

That means all these piece-waving picadors got away with were bags of fugazi diamonds and "fake gold, platinum and cubic zirconium." If only these clowns' antics involved the same attention to detail when it comes to job prep as they apparently devoted to their makeup.

And methinks that makeup is gonna be running all over from the Tears of a Clown once these two robbin' ribalds try to unload their score. Although, maybe they can try fencing off the booty down at work by passing it off as the Real McCoy on the bearded lady and the midget?,0,2807700.story

Postscript: The "Under and Over It," BTW, on how long it takes these two evil circus clowns to get busted is about 36 hours. Here's the latest from Five Finger Death Punch:

Thursday, August 25, 2011

You Know Economic Times Are Bad When: Two Bums Can't Even Afford a Flophouse Bed and Have to Sack Out in a Couple of Funeral Parlor Coffins...

We've recently been blitzed with tales of how the rotten economy in Obama's America has really taken a bite out of the criminal element's ability to operate and get a little piece of the action. And now, reportedly, the economic strife and distress has even spread to the hobo crowd.

Apparently unable to even afford a cheap dive on a night when they felt like sleeping in a bed for a change, two tramps in Bristol, Tennessee got a rather sickening slumber on in a couple of coffins after allegedly breaking into a local funeral parlor this week (links to full story at bottom).

And these lazy bums even had the gall to sleep in! (Allegedly). When undertakers arrived to work at the joint on Tuesday morning, they reportedly found the two lying loafers still "peacefully asleep" in the caskets at 10:30 in the damn morning! Hobo dissipation. Not cool.

When the two startled vagrants got wind that the police had been called, they allegedly moved faster than a pallbearer in need of Number One -- jumping out the funeral parlor's nearest window.

One escaped, one didn't. And the one who got caught may for the foreseeable future be getting a permanent bed (free of burial charge) in the local hoosegow.

That's because the two vagabonds allegedly caused almost 10,000 bucks in damage to the two pine drapes in which they were bunking out. That means burglary and vandalism charges, boys. Talk about one sorry sarcophagus.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"19 Percent of the Nation's Voters Strongly Approve of the Way that Barack Obama Is Performing His Role as President."

I've been asked before what I mean by one of the terms that I've previously coined -- "leftist 20 percenters." Therefore, I feel an occasional obligation to provide a demonstrative exhibit. (for August 23, 2011)

Postscript: Only two very quick thoughts on Tuesday's East Coast Earthquake: (1) Any suggestion Bush cannot be blamed for this earthquake is exceedingly naive; and (2) Two words -- global gun control.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

15 Yards for Being Sadder than a Partisan -- Living Vicariously Thru Kids: Indiana Man Allegedly Goes True Blood on Cops at Son's Youth Football Game

It wasn't just any touchdown, after all. Damn it, it was the game-winning touchdown! So naturally you can see why 27-year-old Dejuan Wells might be upset when that touchdown went against his boy's pee-wee football team over the weekend. And Wells wasn't gonna take it all lying down, either! (Allegedly)

First, cops say Wells stormed the field of play to try to get a piece of the game refs who had allowed the touchdown. This is, of course, completely understandable behavior. When one has issues with his/her own self-esteem and self-image, it's only natural to compensate by living through Junior or little Abby in hopes that they might somehow redeem your pathetic ass. So you tend to take sports results and ref calls that go against the kids very personally. Perfectly justified.

But cops say Wells took the typical sad ranting-and-raving sports parent act to a whole new rotten level this time around. In addition to going after the refs, Wells allegedly fought the law as well! And you know who always wins in that equation?

When one cop told Wells to get the hell off the football field or else he'd be arrested, Wells reportedly shouted "You Can't Arrest Me!" and also made a big fist-clenching gesture.

But oh contraire -- they most certainly can arrest you, slimeball. And when the cops tried to do so, Wells allegedly transformed into a Dracula, biting everything in sight in an apparent state of psychotic rage. One cop took a big bite on the arm (pictured above), while another cop nearly got his finger bitten off.

I don't know if one of these cops had some garlic cloves or holy water or what, but they were eventually able to restrain Wells and slap the ol' cuffs on him.

Now Wells may have to rely on secondhand accounts in order to follow his little boy's budding football career, since Wells faces four felony counts and undoubtedly a nice extended bit in the ice house. And given his fleshy culinary tastes (allegedly), I just hope he stays the hell out of those pickup basketball games out in the yard.

Monday, August 22, 2011

He Wised Up in the Joint: Convicted for Whacking Out His Wife, Killer Allegedly Turns to Hitman to Carry Out His Next Piece of Work on a Broad...

The wisdom gained from 20 years in the can. 72-year-old convicted killer Charles Baeza (pictured above) allegedly learned his lesson only too well during his 20-year bit: If you need to snuff out your significant other, then never, ever, ever do it yourself. Instead, hire a hitman to whack her out! (Allegedly)

This slimeball rubbed out his wife in 1990 by pumping her full of holes at a Long Island bus stop. 20 years later, they let this sleazebucket out the hoosegow on parole. And it's not like this creep went exactly back to his old ways. Nope, this time there was a twisted twist (allegedly).

Cops in the Big Apple say this Sorry Charlie got into a beef with his new girlfriend after she wouldn't pay him back on an alleged $5,000 "loan" for dental work. But having learned a thing or two from his rehabilitative stint in the state freezer, this scumjob apparently knew better than to just take her out flippantly.

So maybe sue the broad for the money, or simply contact the police? Course not. The much more prudent course of action, after all, was to still pop the dame but to have someone else carry out the job! Put another way: 1-800-HITT-MAN.

But that's when things reportedly started to head south faster than a plate factory "prag." It turns out (cops say) that Baeza contacted the wrong damn person for this hit -- an undercover cop.

Cops say this scuzball met up with the undercover cop down at the local pizza parlor, although the two reportedly had trouble coming to terms on the hit. Seems that Baeza wanted to "haggle" over the price of the piece that would be used to pull off this little assassination (allegedly). "It was all just a joke," this skunk claimed after his arrest.

But now this goon may have do his future dickering and joking from the inside of a cell -- complete with another 20 years to further refine his skills at achieving domestic tranquility.

That's because cops have thrown the book at him with charges of criminal solicitation and attempted criminal possession of a weapon. Maybe next time around, he'll know to go the "buffer" route and hire an agent to deal with the hitman.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Watch Out Ya Don't Sleep with the Fishes: Maniacal Florida Man Allegedly Terrorizes Neighbors with Fish and Chainsaw...

He's as scary as Luca Brasi (allegedly) and perhaps more intelligent than Leatherface (or maybe not). But one difference: Get too close to this crazy man and it may be you who sleeps with the fishes.

He's 52-year-old Dale McDaniel (pictured at top and on right) of Pasco County, Florida. And neighbors say this madman has wrought a reign of terror from one end of the neighborhood to the other.

One of this demented oddball's favorite pastimes, for example, is to chase neighbors down the block with a chainsaw (allegedly) -- in a scene that must be eerily reminiscent of the ending to Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

This lunatic is also alleged to have attacked a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic neighbor with a damn fish. The disabled neighbor says the maniac McDaniel took to slapping him right across the mush with the big dead fish.

One female neighbor accuses this psychopath of trying to choke her out. Says the woman: "He's a scary person, especially when he gets violent . . . That's not something you forget." Neighbors also say "they feel [McDaniel] has a drinking problem," although I personally find that very difficult to believe.

Neighbors say that when this brute isn't wielding chainsaws or swinging fish around, he likes to hang out in his "overgrown, trash-filled yard" -- urinating therein and shouting obscenities at those who dare to walk past the joint.

McDaniel has been arrested at least 34 times but somehow always manages to find his way home. Some neighbors are trying to get restraining orders slapped on his deranged old ass.

For his part, McDaniel points a finger of blame at the neighbors: "They've had problems with me for years and I ain't worried about it," spouted this creepy nutjob.

He also claims he's just been misunderstood: "I'm not a menace. They just don't know how to deal with me," he said. Isn't that what they always say about pit bulls right before their next kill?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Terrible Economy Continues to Hit Criminals Hard, Apparently Forcing a Man to Knock Over a Gas Station in an Underwear Mask!

First we had the man last week allegedly pulling a convenience store heist with a giant tree branch, and now the terrible economic news this week has apparently made things even worse for your garden-variety common street hood. Cops in Dallas say a "cross-dressing man" took off his own underwear and tried to use it as a disguise as he pulled his own gas station job earlier this week.

This "briefs bandit" is still on the loose. And his pathetic, low-budget act didn't stop with him wearing his unmentionables over his noggin. The surveillance video also shows the man sporting a "floral-print mini dress" during this piece of work at the "On the Run" Exxon Tigermart gas station.

Not only that, but the man apparently couldn't even muster up so much as a tree branch as a weapon for his little cash-strapped caper. Instead, it appears he may have had no weapon at all, rather sticking his paw under his mini dress and acting like he had something more down there than just his lovegun.

Specifically, the man "stormed inside with his hand wrapped in part of the dress" and then acted like he was aiming a weapon at the cashier, who turned over the loot. The clerk told cops it was apparent the man wasn't wearing any drawers underneath, confirming that he had been forced to use the briefs off his own package as his disguise.

With the joint's cash in hand, the video shows the briefs bandit slowly backing his way out of the store. Just for good measure, he robbed a customer waiting on line on his way out the door.

Local businesses have vowed to help out the cops however they can, apparently promising to "keep a close eye out" for any patrons wearing linens over their melons. "It's definitely something that is a little bit odd," said a worker at a nearby gas station.

But I'm left to ponder what sort of oddity we might see next from these economically stretched criminals. A kiddie gator as a getaway ride? An old holey sock to hold the cash? A demand note carved into a piece of tree bark? In sum, you know times are real tough when even pulling off a decent stickup job ain't economically viable anymore.