I know Memorial Day is one of the year's biggest weekends for weiners and bratwursts, but this is ridiculous! Put those damn things away, already, you Willie Johnsons!
First it was "Weinergate" in New York over the weekend as a picture of an erect, "bulging male member" was somehow sent out over the Twitter account of democrat party U.S. representative Anthony Weiner (pictured above holding hands w/ recent bride and Hillary Clinton aide, Huma Abedin).
But that wasn't the end of it. Not by a long shot, as a quartet of Wisconsin teens (also pictured above) stands accused of terrorizing a fellow high school wrestler with their trouser snakes.
For good measure, another story out this past holiday weekend has a woman reportedly fighting of a rapist by hacking off his tube steak and then making sure to meticulously preserve it as evidence! All in all, this sure was one schlong Memorial Day weekend...
Weiner Wig-Out: That's Not My Dong, Damn It!
Imagine the surprise to congressman and democrat party member Anthony Weiner's 40,000 Twitter followers (that's all he has?) after a picture of a large, erect skin flute was sent out over Weiner's Twitter account to female college student Gennette Nicole Cordova (pictured above below Weiner) -- in the process reaching the In-Box of all of Weiner's Twitter followers as well.
Weiner reportedly has his "undies all in a twist" over the situation and claims his Twitter account was "hacked" by someone. He's also blaming "conservatives" for his plight. While I have no clue over the conservative charge, my read of several accounts of the story is that Weiner is probably being truthful that the dong photo was the work of a hacker.
I've never liked the obnoxious and rabid leftist 20 percenter Weiner at all, but I really can't see him tweeting out such a dumb picture. He just got married last summer to a hot babe, for cryin' out loud!
Weiner meantime appears ready to go whole "hog" over all this, as he's reportedly already hired special "counsel" to look into the matter and explore the possibility of pursuing all available "civil or criminal actions" and remedies.
Not a bad move, frankly. Put the lawyers at the joystick and let them see what kind of ding dong they can get to pop up.
I'd Hate to Have to Wrestle Out of This Who Who Dilly
The Wisconsin state champion wrestling team is currently grappling with scandal of GodZilla proportions, as a 15-year-old member of the team has accused a quartet of his Lincoln High School teammates of whipping out more than just headlocks and suplexes in the team's locker room. The 15-year-old is claiming sexual harassment.
The behavior was allegedly a repeated pattern of choad shenanigans that included "dancing around" the alleged victim "while they were naked, swinging their penises at him." During some of the instances, it's also alleged that the 15-year-old "was hit by each of [the quartet's] penises on his leg."
On one occasion, it's alleged that the victim was in a locker room shower when one of the quartet "placed his penis on victim's butt." The 15-year-old says that he "could not get away because he was boxed in" by two of the other wrestlers.
And this one really takes the Peter cake: The victim alleges he once had to jump into a locker and hide in order "to prevent being hit in the face by the penis of another wrestler." Jeezal Peezal! Haven't these guys ever heard of simply snapping a towel as a locker room jolly?!?
The accused tool-wielding quartet now faces criminal charges, but it seems doubtful they'll have to spend any time in the slightly rougher summer sausage shower on display at the local hoosegow. That's because "misdemeanor disorderly conduct" seems like a pretty light beef, even for a gang of baloney ponies (allegedly).
Weenie Whacker's "One Tough Mother"
A Bangladesh woman named Monju Begum will never be accused of spoliation (destruction) of evidence. The married mother of three reportedly fought off a male neighbor's rape attempt by chopping off his beef bayonet faster than an Oscar Meyer weiner burns on an overheated grill. (Been there, done that -- burning a weiner on a hot grill, that is).
And damn it, she was gonna make sure she showed the cops the evidence (i.e., said alleged rape rod). Cops says Monju immediately tossed the incriminating magic wand into a "polythene bag" (no corrosive, biodegradable paper bags for Monju) and rushed it down to nearest the local precinct so that cops would have the fleshy evidence.
Her alleged would-be rapist, Mozammel Haq Mazi, meantime is reportedly holed up in a local hospital and looking to recover from being turned from a rooster into a hen. It seems efforts to surgically reattach his unlawful unit (allegedly) did not take so well. I bet that sliced pickle is one weiner condiment that won't be appearing on his Memorial Day shanty table any time soon.