Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Oh My, the Truly Special Things that New Year's Eve Means to So Many of Us as the Day Ushers in a Fresh New Year...

I'm nearly giddy and ecstatic over here as I ponder all the bright possibilities that 2014 has to offer. Please allow me to count the ways, in no particular order:

- The New Year means I embark upon my 4th year of being a man (under the Mike Gundy definition). Although, gotta say, this man thing ain't exactly all it's cracked up to be. May I go back to my 20s, if only for a few days?

- The New Year means only 3 more years of the heinous presidency of Barack Obama. Although, after these two rotten parties have stuck us with two of the worst presidents in American history for 13 long years now, I don't exactly have a lot of confidence that we're gonna get a much better offering come 2016.

- The New Year means (prediction time here) a wonderful continuation of the gridlock that's resided in Washington DC since the 2010 midterms: Obama will be the president of course, and the right-winger gop-ers will maintain control of the House in the 2014 midterms. (Tell me, any fellow Independents out there, do you really want an end to gridlock, such that either of these two parties control everything (presidency, House and Senate) ever again? If so, please say "Obamacare" 10 times over and then get back to me.)

-The New Year means just another year of economic malaise across the country and sinful deficit spending by the federal government. Can you say $18 trillion national debt?

- The New Year means just another year of my sports teams (Kansas City and University of Missouri) failing to win much of anything of consequence, but yet again teasing all their fans by having their proverbial "moments."

- The New Year means I'm gonna have to shell out some jack to get a new stinkin' television. The old one went on the fritz, and while it's been nostalgic resurrecting the 13-inch job that I used in college, you have to sit like two feet in front of that son of a bitch to make out a damn thing.

- The New Year means that hot little blonde number on "Game of Thrones" may finally come across the sea and start kicking some ass (and makin' some love) on the mainland. Seems like that one's been in the works for four freakin' years already!

- The New Year means plenty of new violent carnage and hot broads on some of my other favorite TV shows, such as "Banshee," "Strike Back," "Justified," "Ray Donovan," "American Horror Story," "The Walking Dead," "Bates Motel," etc., etc.  That part of the New Year will be cool, leastways.

- The New Year means that one or more hot (but desperate) dolls who were once low-list celebrities will break into porn (or, at the very least, pose for Playboy). Who will it be this year? Kate Gosselin? Courtney Stodden? Ruben Studdard?

-And finally, the New Year (as it seems most years go anymore) means saying goodbye to at least a few old friends and family. And no, Senators and House members who get voted out in November -- you don't count.

So much to look forward to. And please do remind me next year not to count the ways again on the 31st.  It be bringin' down my whole damn day over here!


Friday, December 27, 2013

Beat Them Little Shits Early & Often: Unique Parenting Book From 1994 Still Makes the Rounds on Amazon with a Message that the Only Bad Beating Is No Beating At All...

He ain't no Santa Clause.  It's titled, "To Train Up a Child" -- a "parenting book" written by Michael and Debi Pearl (pictured above) that first found popularity almost 20 years ago. And the book still apparently finds an audience on Amazon -- never mind that it "has been linked to three deaths in seven years."

And this literary classic's continued fandom is little mystery to me. To provide a little taste, just enough to wet your beak: From the info contained in the linked articles, I've attempted to distill the book's purported parenting advice into a sort of rudimentary Ten Commandments for Parents. Here goes (in no particular order):

1. Start the kid young on a regular "training" regiment that involves giving the tot a good beatin' daily with a leather strap or belt.

2. If that's not effective in training up the child, then go to town on the tike with a "one-foot-long ruler" (not 6 inches, mind you, but the full 12).

3. If that too doesn't work, graduate the brat up to a nice wooden yardstick.

4. Still having trouble? Then do a number on the nestling with a "large tree branch."

5. And if all else fails, get yourself a big "rod" and lay the metal down on the lad.

6. If the toddler is particularly quick, elusive and hard to catch, then "do not hesitate" to "sit on him" in order to administer the beatdown.

7. Be sure to "hold him down until he has surrendered."

8. The goal should always be to "defeat him totally."

9. Remember: Your unflinching goal must always be to instill, just like in a young puppy dog or a fledgling member of the Hitler Youth, an "unquestioning obedience" to your authority.

10. Therefore, behind every good beating or maiming is a "purpose to condition the child's mind and to make them surrender completely to their parents' authority."

So there you have it: All you'd ever want to know about child-rearing in ten simple, violent talking points. If only I'd heard of this book a few days ago when I was in need of a few last minute stocking stuffers. But oh well: They got nunchucks instead.


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas Spirit: "Daddy Gave Us Matching Boob Jobs!," Say Cali Sisters After Their Plastic Surgeon Old Man Went to Work on 'Em...

He did a real number on 'em, too. To the tune of about 32-C. But ya know...

If your old man's a fisherman, you're going to grow up in a house with the stench of brine about it. If he's a mafia hood, you grow up with spontaneous gifts of TV sets, furs and gaudy jewelry all the time. And the same holds true if the old man's a plastic surgeon, apparently -- boob jobs and Botox all around for Daddy's little girls!

That's certainly the "charmed" life that's been led by Sisters Charm (buxom blonde) and Brittani (bosomy brunette) of Orange County, California (link below/pics above). Their old man is a local plastic surgeon, and just check out the toothsome timelines of these two broads' young lives (both now 25 years old):

- Charm "first went under [Daddy] Michael's knife at the tender age of 10 when she had her protruding belly button reshaped."

- Brittani first wanted a boob job when she was 15, but her parents (Dr. Mike and Mama Penny) went old school, forcing her to wait until she was 18. Says Brittani: "When I graduated high school, Daddy surprised me by saying, 'I've scheduled you in to have your boobs done next week.' I was so excited!"

- But that wasn't before Mama Penny took some further convincing. Says Mama: "Brittani was so insistent that eventually I said, "OK, show me your breasts.' Then I could see why she wanted implants and realized it would be beneficial for her to get her breasts enlarged, so I agreed."

-Three years later, the old man gave Brittani a nose job for her 21st birthday.

- And just so that Sis wouldn't get the upper honker over there, Charm had the old man give her a boob job earlier this year as well. This after Charm became concerned that "exercise had reduced the volume of her chest" (damn pesky healthy livin'). So that bust job was a real no-brainer: "I know I'm in safe hands [with Daddy]," said Charm.

- But there's more to life than just having big pair of fake cans, of course, and both Charm and Brittani make sure to avail themselves of all of the old man's services, "regularly having facial peels and Botox" at Daddy's clinic.

- Crowed Charm: "Every other month I'll get something done to my skin. I also get Botox in my armpits, which helps me stop sweating."

And on that big bowl of raunchy stench, the Rager bids everyone out there, big-bazonga'd or not, a Very Very Ma--mm--ary Christmas!


Monday, December 23, 2013

No Leg to Stand On: Creepy Hardware Store Zombie With No Legs & Only One Arm Turns Out NOT to be a Real Zombie!

Turns out, you see, that he was just pulling your leg. The recent YouTube video appeared to show a real-life, one-limbed member of the undead, as it hissed and snarled at terrified hardware store customers in Joisey. So frightened was one storegoer, in fact, that he took to hurling store merchandise at the ghoul...

But this horror show just didn't have legs, in the end, as the creep was only local prankster Nick Santonastasso -- who ain't even dead. He was born, however, with three missing limbs because of a condition known as Hanhart Syndrome -- which made his little Dawn of the Dead act all the more believable for customers and Net viewers.

Nick says he hopes the stunt will give him a leg up on the competition to land a zombie role on his favorite TV show, AMC's "The Walking Dead" (what else would it be?). I just hope the show -- whose Season 4 will be on its last legs come February -- gives this one-armed, legless little guy a chance to break a leg come Season 5. Just please don't let Michonne hack off his one remaining limb.


Friday, December 20, 2013

Leave It To Beaver: Playboy's Miss January 2013 Dani Mathers Seems to Bear Little or No Actual Resemblance to Her '60s TV Child Star Namesake, Jerry...

[Preface: This one is for my good friend, HAH, who lost an important person today. I've promised HAH this Dani Mathers post for at least a few weeks now, and so finally today I deliver -- Boob Biden and FakeNey Stodden be damned...]

My best Net researching efforts this week couldn't seem to pin down whether or not glamour model (Miss January 2013) Dani Mathers is actually related to the old "Beaver Cleaver" child star, Jerry Mathers (2nd pic above). But alas, what the hell does it really matter?

That's Dani above (at 24, young enough to be the Beaver's granddaughter) as she sashayed around a sandy photo shoot in Venice Beach recently. Oh My! (I'm not so sure Ward and June would approve of them duds, BTW).

And I don't mean to be a little hard on the Beaver, either: Before he got old and fat in real life, the Beaver was a cute little guy in the old show, best known for his bad grammar and various hijinks that typically resulting from Eddie Haskell or others "giving him the business."

So the Beaver could conceivably be kin to Dani. It ain't beyond the ol' realm. No foolin', Wally.


Friday, December 13, 2013

Up For Grabs? Following Alleged "Separation" of 19-Year-Old Courtney Stodden From Her 53-Year-Old Hubby, I Question Whether This Big Buxom Fake-Boobed Broad Is Truly Back on the Market...

"TV personality" Stodden this week retreated to a Cali beach for some sunbathing and various self-taken, narcissistic photos of herself (do they have a word for that now?)...

Of course, her old man -- 53-year-old "Green Mile actor" Doug Hutchison (who married Stodden when she was 16) -- was nowhere to be seen after the couple's recent "separation." But how much of this "separation" is just for show, and how much of it is actually real?

To wit (and as reported in the Daily Mail):

- "The couple are still living and working in close quarters."

- "Doug has retained his position as Courtney's co-manager."

- "The pair have continued to share their marital home."

- "Courtney and Doug were recently spotted enjoying a cosy dinner date at Musso and Frank in Hollywood despite their split."

Hardly sounds like Splitsville to me. And hardly necessary to garner publicity either...

As the linked story demonstrates (as well as another story this week about Stodden darkening her hair), all this hot little number has to do to generate some pub is show up somewhere in public with her mighty melons in tow. Hell, it's worked on me more than once over here. 


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Anything to Avoid Cookin' Supper: Broad Allegedly Caps Her Hubby in Drive-By Shooting as the Old Man Works in His Driveway!

The story's from Warren County, Mississippi, where cops say 58-year-old Mary Lou Neeley pulled up in her car and shot her old man right in the stomach before driving away (link below). Mary Lou now faces aggravated assault charges (BTW, does everyone in Mississippi have two first names plus an external shithouse?).

If you're a man, you gotta hate the precedent set here. This crime is closely akin to the old lady pulling a bank job while hubby's the teller. Or the old lady launching a home invasion against her own house after the old man's hit the hay inside.

I mean, what's next? The old lady mugging the old man out on the street after work? And I swear if I next hear about some wife playing the "Knockout" game on her old man, I'm officially gonna declare that a "War on Men" has erupted. Then all we'd need is a way to tie in the gop-ers as the root cause.


Friday, December 6, 2013

Better First Check the Letter Next to the Name: "Biden Urges Chinese Students to Take Inspiration from Young Americans & Challenge Their Government Leaders"...

Right! 2013 America: Where the citizens have unbridled freedom to speak out in opposition against their government...

Unless you're that cancer patient who recently complained that Obamacare forced him to lose his policy and who was then promptly hit with an IRS audit related to his 2009 tax return (link below).

Or unless you're an insurance company with something critical to say about the botched Obamacare rollout -- which recently resulted in the White House exerting "massive pressure" on insurance companies (i.e. regulatory threats) to keep their mouths shut (link below).

Or unless you're a political group on the opposite side from the leftists, which makes you a natural target to be singled out for IRS harassment (link below).

Or unless you have the nerve to say one word opposing Obama, which results in the gag reflex from the leftist blogosphere and propaganda machine to label you a racist -- with the full acquiescence of their acolyte media (as documented previously in this space).

And jeezal peezal, these are only the examples that I can recall from the past six weeks or so!

So as for Biden, allow me to amend that fool's statements, Chinese students. Here goes: Take inspiration from America and its citizens' right to challenge their government -- just watch out you don't challenge the parts of the government with a "D" next to their name. That course of action tends to end rather badly these days for many of the perpetrators.


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Crying Lame: Latest Tear-Jerker from "Leaker" of the House John "Party Time" Boehner Has Him All Choked Up Over Once Having to Perform Manual Labor For His Old Man!

Man. This gop-er career politician just can't seem to ever give an interview without letting the tears fly. The latest incident had Party Time appearing on Sunday's "60 Minutes" and getting the saltwater flowing when asked whether he ever takes being in the U.S. House for granted:

"Never. Listen, for a guy who grew up mopping floors at my dad's bar, it's pretty humbling experience [getting emotional as he spoke]." (First link below).

Gosh, you'd think being another elected slimeball in the House is the stuff of legends or something, or that having to push a mop to make a buck is far beneath any self-respecting human being.

But I guess I can sort of see where Party Time's coming from: Once forced to clean up the boozy spills and other debris left behind by drunken bar-goers, now it's Party Time who gets the last laugh -- as he regularly knocks off before 5:00 p.m. to go party it up with some drinks and a pack of smokes at the latest congressional happy hour (second link below).

Perhaps next Party Time can get a good cry going as he bemoans the lack of tanning salons in daddy's old neighborhood and how the pasty light tones of his teenage flesh caused the schoolkids to hum "Whiter Shade of Pale" every time he showed up. A damaged childhood, this guy.


Monday, December 2, 2013

What Second Amendment? "New York Man Charged with Harrassment for Repeatedly Firing Civil War Cannon at Neighbors' Homes"...

Hello! The cannon was unloaded, people! (Link below). Nobody was gonna get hurt over there!

This story worries me. It brings me distress. Am I gonna get tossed in the hoosegow the next time I feel like blasting off my Gatling Gun out on the back forty? Or thrown in the freezer if I choose to spray around my Tommy Gun as part of a reenactment of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre? As is my constitutional right. Even if I don't maim anyone?

Where have you gone, Charlton Heston? New York Cannon Man and I turned our lonely eyes to you. Boo, hoo, hoo.


Postscript:  My old friend, Jimmy Van Gobble, died about 2 years ago tonight.  I miss him a lot.  Always will.