Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Disproportionate Response: "McDonald's Drive-Thru Patron Pulled Gun Over Missing Cheeseburger." That's Not Justice, My Friend...

Retaliations that don't fit the slight have no place in the criminal world. None. Like when Don Vito Corleone refuses to whack out the sleazejobs that carved up Bonasera's daughter. "That is not justice, your daughter is still alive," the Don waxed philosophic to his undertaker friend. Instead, the Godfather ordained that the culprits suffer just as the broad had suffered (i.e., something in the way of torture but short of getting whacked).

Which brings me to this cheeseburger caper in Tennessee, where cops say 21-year-old Demetri Johnson brandished a gun at employees when his order was missing a sandwich.  Dude! What were you thinking?!?

I might be able to see it if he'd been gypped a premium sandwich, like a Big Mac, Quarter Pounder or McRib. Those damn things cost like four freakin' bucks nowadays.

But a cheeseburger? That's what, a buck plus tax? Something like that simply never warrants an full-on aggravated assault (allegedly).

My best advice to Quick Draw McGraw over there is to keep your gun under the seat next time. A Dollar Menu item ain't never worth much more than a good punch in the schnoz or maybe a couple 'a eye gouges.

Cheap food for thought. And for Sagan's Sake, Demetri, don't ever make the mistake of takin' this weak-ass shit to the Don on the day of his daughter's wedding.


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

New Study: "Men Who Like Spicy Food Are Likely To Be Alpha Males." But I'm Calling Bullshit...

You can't make a dish too spicy for me (and I'm talking culinary preferences here, not broads, although the same principle applies equally to both). I've yet to meet a good grub plate that had too much red pepper flake, street-grade horseradish, or habanero hot sauce sloshed all over it. The hotter the better, damn you!

So someone best inform these Grenoble University researchers that they gots it all wrong over there. Because I ain't no "alpha male." I've got about as much desire to be a high-strung prick who goes around imposing my will on others as I do to take my hot sauce up the ass from Dick Cheney down at Gitmo (even if porn stars do swear by the method of hot-pepper-laced rectal rehydration as the best cure out there for a flacid frankfurter. I digress).

But, while I want no part of ordaining edicts, decrees, dictates or ultimatums on either the laws or everyday behaviors of others (I'll leave that sort of thing to Obama, his leftist 20 percenters, and other "alpha male" louts everywhere), it can also be said that with two solitary exceptions, no one tells me what to do. (Employers (I gotta earn, don't I?) and cops ('cause they'll beat the livin' fuck out of me otherwise) garner those lone 2 exemptions, BTW).

In short, rather than bearing any relation whatsoever to alpha assholes, what I'm feelin' over here is a most definite correlation between love of blast furnace hot eats and being an Independent.

So I'm officially givin' Grenoble a chance to go do some of that shit the slimeball politicians are always trumpeting (ya know, "recalibrating," "pivoting," "evolving," "robusting" -- all that mindless crap) and then shoot me some new study results in a few weeks. They need only mention "Independent" once in the banner and then 1 or 2 additional times in the body. I'm evolving like that.


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

May-December Dirtbags: Central States Should Be on the Lookout For These Two Slimeballs After The Old and the Not-So-Beautiful Escape from the Kentucky State Pen...

The story's from WDKY Fox 56 in Lexington, Kentucky. The two brutes were in the joint for thievery before their escape. But what strikes me as Pinkel-remarkable about this item is the almost laughable age disparity between this troublesome tandem of thieves!

First you have this Joshua Stephenson, whom I wouldn't be surprised to find out just dropped out of Harlan High School and straight into the Boyd Crowder crew in a final season episode of "Justified."

Next up in this unlikely den of thieves is this old, eye-patch totin' Michael Fleet character, who looks like something out of a bad western picture from 1969. And does Kentucky really allow old fat white-bred cons to wear big shitkicker hats and burnt sienna ascots around the hoosegow?

But that should make Fleet, at least, easy to spot for all of us flyover peons. Just keep an eye out for a one-eyed old fat man flouting the gun control laws atop Beau the Horse. Hell, you'll probably be able to smell this thievin' fatass old cattle poacher a mile away!


Friday, December 12, 2014

I Could Give a $$$uck? "Cash-Strapped Mother-of-Four Reveals She Is Selling Her Own Breast Milk to Fund Children's Christmas Presents"!

It's a bit of a sad story that this 26-year-old broad Rebecca Hudson must resort to bartering her bazonga booze in order to make nips meet this holiday season.  But the full-bosomed flipside of this sick equation is even more deranged...

I NEVER would've thunk that there is actually a viable market out there comprised of grown men willing to pay to suckle on a lactating lady's lampposts. Non-pasteurized, no less. Talk about an outbreak of amoebic dysentery just a waitin' to happen.


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Hail the Tricky Dick (Or Else): "Obama Launches Profanity Laced Tirades Against the Press"...

Which just goes to show:  If surveillance and harassment of the media do not at first succeed, then try try the more direct approach.


Friday, December 5, 2014

"Yes, They're Real!" But Was 25-Year-Old Model Gabi Grecko Trying to Assure Us About Her Bazooms or About Her Claim That She's a Couple With This 71-Year-Old Coffin Dodger!?

This Aussie lassie Gabi recently took to an airplane shithouse to snap the above-featured side-teet Instagram. And I wouldn't ponder the mystery too long of what she be talkin' 'bout with her accompanying "Realsville" claim...

Her 71-year-old fossil fiance Geoffrey Edelsten is a filthy rich medical entrepreneur, so I'd assume Gabi's upcoming marriage to the medical miser makes perfectly green sense to her. I mean, this broad refers to her bellarmine benefactor as "Father Christmas," for Chrissakes!

That leaves as the only issue those two big ivory cannons and the question of their authenticity. On that front, I personally doubt this dame's plane claim. But who really gives a rat's ass? Gazonaga Gabi gets the moolah, and Father Christmas gets the milk. Qualms over enhanced delivery devices are for windbagged wienerwursts.


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

G-O-Pea-Brained Priorities: gop-ers Don't Talk About the National Debt Anymore (Now $18 Trillion), Apparently More Interested in Such Things As Ravaging the Obama Daughters on Thanksgiving...

I've noticed that even the right-winger gop-ers the past few years couldn't give a rat's ass (even in their usual meaningless lip service) about the ever-growing, increasingly stifling, and future-threatening $18 trillion national debt. Pray tell why?

Maybe it's because they think it's no big deal now that Obama's only adding about a half trillion to the debt this year (after Obama collected a record one-third trillion in taxes the past 8 weeks), as opposed to the full trillion or more that he added to the debt in previous years? "Progress," as the leftist 20 percenters like to cluck -- we're digging our own graves at a slower pace this year!

Or, maybe the right-wingers are just tired of being hypocrites, since W Bush was the worst debt accumulator in American history not named Obama? (Obama's added 70% to the national debt on his watch).

Or, maybe it's just that the gop-ers don't want to talk about the national debt since they have more important things to tackle these days?  Like the outfits (shown above) worn by Obama daughters Sasha and Malia on Thanksgiving, for starters... 

Some gop-er communications director broad named Elizabeth Lauten (also shown above) saw fit to take to the facebook over the holiday weekend to slam the girls as "classless" for dressing like they want "a spot at a bar" and for "making faces" at the annual White House "turkey pardon." (I don't agree with extending Jonathan Gruber a pass, BTW, but that's a topic for a different day.)

Never mind that neither daughter's typical teen attire nor facial expressions looked anything inappropriate to me. That's beside the point.  Because even if they'd strolled out there lookin' like strip joint floozies with a couple of garments gone, the president's and presidential candidates' kids (particularly when the politician has a "D" next to the name) are always off limits -- as untouchable as talking about the national debt these days, apparently.

Meantime, Lauten the Lout has since reportedly "prayed," apologized, and then resigned over the incident. Maybe she asked the Almighty for a brain. With messengers like her, the gop-ers might actually win the presidency again in another two, three hundred years. You know, around the same time that a gop-er or democrat party follower actually professes to give a fuck about the destruction they've wrought on the rest of us for 14 long years now.