Tuesday, August 26, 2014

2014 Emmys: "Breaking Bad" Wins Just About Everything It Was Nominated For (Nostalgia/End of Series Factor?), While "True Detective" Is SHUT OUT of All the Top Awards!

Frankly not sure how "True Detective" could be completely left out of all the top Emmy awards Monday night, but I do know two things...

(1)  Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are guaranteed to be saying tonight, "This is the last freakin' time I ever do television -- Fuck This Shit!"

(2)  "True Detective" picked the wrong damn year for Detective Rustin to stop sniffin' smack.


Postscript:  Not just "Nostalgia/End of Series Factor" that might've broke in Bad's favor -- I also wonder if there wasn't a blow back from the voters of the "academy" upon HBO for submitting True Detective as a drama, whereas an almost identically postured series (American Horror Story) has always been submitted under the "Mini-Series" category?

The two shows are identically postured because they involve new seasons with completely different settings, time periods, and stories, with any common actors from previous seasons playing entirely different characters.  My simple solution to the "academy" (whatever the fuck that is):  DEFINE and REQUIRE these submissions to be consistent amongst offerings, such that AHS and TD can ONLY be submitted one way.  This Ain't Rocket Science!  Regardless of which category you require, Make It Consistent!  Duh!

Friday, August 22, 2014

There Outta Be a Law! Bosomy Broad Strolls Around Topless in Public Trying to Fool People with Spray-Painted Bazongas!

This cannot, or least should not, be legal. This Danish model walked the streets recently with what appeared to be a tight-fittin' Chanel T-shirt.  Only problem? It was as fake as her honkers appear to be!

Whole thing was spray-painted on to look like a sexy Tee. But instead of any shirt extending coverage, this big-jugged jokester had 'em out there, uncovered, just a floppin' in the breeze!

However, looks like her melons weren't the only thing she failed to pull the wool over, as onlookers up and down the street saw right through this floozy's little bare-racked ruse.

And naturally, this well-rounded prankster dish needed to sit down for a moment for the obligatory "selfie" (man, I stilll hate that word) while soaking up everyone's undivided attention.

But I come full circle: Why isn't this little paint job in the freakin' hoosegow? What if I engineered a little for Tit for Tat, and took the ol' paint brush to my John Thomas before letting it all hang out in public?

"Those are my gym shorts," I'd implore the copper who would invariably have the cuffs slapped on my sorry bare ass in a New York minute.

So Where's my Equal Protection against such a double standard? There's something rotten in Denmark. And please don't tell me to call Holder and Justice to seek redress. Me's way too pale and way too male for any help from them.


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

"Working Moms Have New Breastfeeding Rights Under ObamaCare": I Take Back Every Vile Thing I've Ever Said About that Leftist Legislative Monstrosity!

Ya know, Obama and his fellow leftist 20 percenters could sure use to work a lot more tits and ass into their sleazy ways. Breastfeeding ain't a bad place to start.

Hows about now, a new ObamaCare regulation protecting the right to bear bare asses in public? We could go places with this, leftists.


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Won't Share Yer Meatballs, Uh? Well, He Gots Some Meatballs For Ya! Chinese Healthcare Worker Allegedly "Cuts Off Four Patients' Testicles After They Didn't Share Their Meatball Stew With Him"!

This one may sound like another horror story from Obama's and W Bush's V.A. system, but instead it comes from China, where apparently they're paying some workers little more than room and board -- with "board" being redefined like so many slop troughs in a pig sty...

46-year-old worker Wang Fan -- whose mental state has been described as a couple chains short of a Joe Biden -- was reportedly hired by a Chinese care home in exchange for "a place to sleep and was allowed to eat the food left over after the patients had been fed."

I guess one could surmise where such a contingency-based renumeration scheme might take things south for a famished care worker like Fan, but not this far below the belt: When several male patients polished off the entirety of their meatball stew without so much as leaving behind a solitary morsel, Fan allegedly went to work on the patients like a cheap butcher on chumpchops...

This crazy cojones carver -- reportedly no Fan of cleaned plates -- allegedly "tied down the men" and did a number on them with a "razor blade to cut off their testicles."

One 62-year-old victim said he "thought [Fan] was tying me down because of some medical procedure but then I realized actually something was wrong and I yelled and screamed, but nobody came."

And in case you were wondering whether Fan might employ the ol' "a man's gotta eat" defense, the answer would appear to be yes:

Cops say this huevos-hackin' half-wit "planned to cook and eat the testicles" for their nutritional as well as "medicinal properties" -- which itself raises a whole host of new questions as to which doctor might have told Fan to take two balls and call him in the morning?


Friday, August 8, 2014

"Pretty in Pink": Victoria's Secret Model Chanel Iman Takes Her Bum to the Beach in Mexico for a "Hard Day of Posing"!

If only they had instead cast this 23-year-old hot little number Chanel in the old John Hughes picture of the same name ("Pretty in Pink"), James Spader might still have hair on his head. Then it might actually make sense to call him "Red" on NBC's "The Blacklist."

But an even better idea? Get this beach broad Chanel into SOMETHING (TV or film) TODAY! Personally, I'd prefer something on one of the subscriber TV networks so that we can see the unclad version of the Chanel in the privacy of our own homes.

I'm going to propose Cinemax's "Banshee," where Chanel can don an Amish bonnet and bang the fake Sheriff.  Or maybe HBO's "Game of Thrones," so that little midget can have a go at her.

Point being: Earn your damn money and Get This Dish on the Set, producers! What the fuck ya waitin' for -- an engraved invitation? Jee-sus.


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Why Don't We Do It In the Road? 48-Year-Old Texas Science Teacher Allegedly "Had Sex Repeatedly With 14-Year-Old Student For Over a Year," Including "ON A ROAD" Near the Lad's School!

I guess Teach (Kristina Lynn Moore of Katy, Texas) thought no one will be watching us, so why don't we do it in the road?  (Allegedly)

But apparently someone was a watchin', and now this pervert (allegedly) is charged with sexual assault on a child.

On a positive note, now Charles Manson has some competition as worst offender for taking lyrics from the Beatles' White Album way too far. Skank (allegedly).


Friday, August 1, 2014

So All It Takes to Get the Paparazzi to Chase a Broad Around Is To Be a "Former BFF" of Kim Kardashian?: "Nikki Lund Shows of Bikini Body at the Beach"...

I'm trying to follow the logic here (or lack thereof). The Kardashians draw incessant pop culture media coverage for doing, well, not much of anything. As best as I can tell, they have no talent whatsoever in virtually any area other than annoying people and stickin' buns in the ol' oven. What do they have going for them?  Big tits, huge asses, and pretty faces, fobia-surety. But are they even literate?

And moving even farther down the talentless toots trough lands one at "friends" and "former BFFs" of the Kardashians. Such skirts apparently deserve notoriety as well, as we see in the linked feature stories on a recent beach romp by someone named Nikki Lund -- a "former BFF" to Kim and now a New York fashion designer "with her own line" (I'm sure there ain't too many people who have those).

But alas, these are just are minor quibbles. Little more than passing observations, really. Because who the fuck's complaining over here?!? Just look at the tatas and torso on this Lund lassie! I'd love her to model some of her line over to my joint and show me her swallops and assclam. I might even let her mark me down for a blouse after that.


Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Worm Limits: "Disgusting Critters Invade the Upper Chamber, the United States Senate"!...

But I really don't see what the "news" is here.  Last time I checked, Harry Reid, Ted Cruz, John McCain and Bernie Sanders have all been in the Senate for years.

And those are just the worms and bed bugs.  Don't even get me started on the cockroaches, lice, vermin, and slugs.


Friday, July 25, 2014

Hold On, We Ain't Finished! "Couple Has Sex on Top of Chipotle Restaurant in Delaware," But Allegedly Keeps Goin' At It Even After Cops Tell Them To Stop!

Cops say the unsightly shenanigans of 27-year-old Nicole Germack and 39-year-old Michael Suh were quite visible from the street, but the two just didn't want to cease and desist. The responding cop says he told these two enchilada exhibitionists to stop, but they "continued for approximately 15-20 seconds" before finally wrapping things up. (These cops outta know you never put the kibosh on a grown man in mid-bone!)

BTW, the linked story goes out of its way to report, up front, that the restaurant below was, in fact, still open for business when Mikey decided to slip Nicky the ol' beefy gordita up above (allegedly). Oh the Humanity! I guess banging some broad on a public rooftop is more excusable when it doesn't interfere with soccer mom's barbecoa bowl downstairs?

For their messy efforts, Nicky and Mickey (after he finished) got tossed in the hoosegow, where they're facing more heat than the Chipotle hot sauce trough, including charges of resisting arrest, indecent exposure, lewdness, conspiracy, and loitering (since I assume they failed to make a purchase in the restaurant before headin' up to the roof).

Mehopes they've just learned their lesson. If you can't wait until after supper, at least head to the partial privacy of the shithouse next time. And for holy moley guacamole's sake, close the damn stall door.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Will She or Won't She? leftist "Rock Star" & Sexagenarian Native American Elizabeth Warren Needs to Run for President in 2016 Before Her Final Window Closes. But Will leftists Ramp Up Pressure on Her to Actually Run?

No president has ever assumed office past the age of 69 in American history. Leftist hero and current democrat party Massachussetts senator Elizabeth Warren will be 67 in 2016 and a healthy 71 years young four years later in 2020. Not to mention how very hard it would be for her to defeat a sitting president in either a primary or general election in 2020. Translation: Run now, Chief Left Fist, or forever hold your peace pipe.

For her part, Warren has sent very mixed messages on the issue, from claims of no intention to run in 2016 to her current high profile on the campaign trail helping out 2014 democrat party midterm candidates while her Chief (no pun intended) 2016 democrat party rival, Hilary Clinton, sits out 2014 on the sidelines.

That Warren might well be willing to take on Hilary in the 2016 primary, coupled with her very quickly closing window to run for president and her obvious current "Rock Star" status amongst leftist 20 percenters, would seem to suggest to me that leftists everywhere best be putting on the full-court leftist press (and I mean starting yesterday) for this ill-tempered, fist-shaking, private sector-hating, Oklahoma Indian leftist broad to run for commander in Chief.

And what ain't to like about her? A more pure, devout and angry leftist one will never find -- even more so than Obama himself and much more so than the mealy-mouthed, stand-not-for-much-of-anything Hilary. Hell, it was Warren who invented the famous "you didn't build that [business of yours]" talking point that Obama stole from her in 2012!  Even the hot-tempered Howard Dean couldn't carry Liz's Jock!

Plus Warren would be the first woman president. AND the first Indian president. (Warren, who claims to be something like 1/64 Cherokee, once had her herself listed as a "minority" professor at Harvard based on claims of "family folklore" (and nothing else) supporting that same tall tale of tears).

Hey, I'm all too happy to get behind a Warren presidential run. Seeing Warren and the democrat party leftist base going to war with Hilary and the rest of Hilary's old-guard democrat party establishment allies on the campaign trail would, indeed, be the highest form of entertainment! (I mean, just look at all the fun we Independents have watching the right-winger tea partiers duking it out at every turn with the establishment gop-ers!)

So you go for it, old girl!  You Can Do It, Lefty Liz! 2016 is shaping up to be a pretty damn boring presidential year otherwise. And all boredom and no entertainment makes Rager a very dull boy.


Friday, July 18, 2014

The Beginning of the End of Days? Yesterday Brings an Awful Air Disaster with Potentially Huge International Implications, an Israeli Invasion of Gaza, & Other Assorted Chaos...

A browse through yesterday's headlines could be viewed by me, by you, or by Gwen Stefani as altogether mighty frightening:

- "Passenger jet show down over Ukraine ... 298 dead ... 23 Americans killed ... Ukraine says 'will present evidence of Russian military involvement.'" (Added bonus: Before scurrying off to multiple fundraisers Thursday night, "Obama gives crash 40 seconds before telling jokes" and "blaming [gop-ers] for slow-walking transportation spending." How shocking!)

- "Israel launches Gaza ground invasion" against Palestinians.

- "Wall Street bubble paranoia setting in," market off 161 points.

- "Autumn-like chill to expand from Midwest to South, East."

- "Cold temps break 128-year record in Mobile, Alabama."

- "Town blasts music to drive out gypsies."

- "Hundreds of dead pigeons fall from sky in Houston."

- "San Diego strippers sue police over naked pictures during 'inspections.'"

- "USGS: Risk of earthquake increades for half of USA."

Good Grief!  So this is it, the Apocalypse? Asked the Imagine Dragons. The end times?  Variously referred to as the Rapture or Armageddon?

ANSWER:  Nope.  Sorry.  Hold off for now on hoarding away them ramen noodle and beans pallets down to the Sam's Club.  The world ain't coming to an end just yet, me predicts.

Not to mention, all of these headlines come from heavily trafficked news aggregator website Drudge Report, where right-winger headline writer Matt Drudge tends to make every day seem like the damn sky's 'a fallin'!

BTW, what's wrong with snapping a few stripper pics or having some gypsies hanging around town?

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Lowest Common Denominator: Obama Tweets at the Reading Level of a 7th Grader, Says Published Analysis of Celebrity Tweet Sophistication. What a Surprise!

...This from an analysis last week from Time Magazine (not exactly a bastion of right-winger propaganda). And it goes to a point I've made many times in this space: Obama's words (in speeches or otherwise) are always aimed at the lowest common denominator -- the vast swaths of Americans who are uninformed and ignorant (note: I did not say stupid) when it comes to just about anything political.

If Obama ever endeavored to say anything particularly intelligent, thoughtful or inspiring to me (see, e.g., film/audio from old JFK speeches sometime), then I would listen. But as it stands, he's talked to me like I'm a moron for six long years now. I stopped even trying to listen a long time ago. Life's Too Short, Would You Agree?

And if Obama's recent dismal polling is any indication, most Americans have finally come to the same conclusion, do agree, and are tuning out this individual at every turn. This (the middle of Obama's second term) coincides almost exactly to the point in time when Americans also starting completely tuning out that moron W Bush. Rotten, not-so-bright presidents certainly make wonderful bedfellows, do they not?


Friday, July 11, 2014

Lame Excuse: Hilary Defends the Clinton Dynasty & the "Inevitability" of Her Presidency, Proclaiming That "We Had the Two Roosevelts!" Uh, Weren't FDR & Teddy Barely Even Related?!?

When I heard this statement from Hilary this week, my reaction was, "You gotta be freakin' kidding me over here!"  Teddy and Franklin Roosevelt were only distantly related! To the tune of something like fifth cousins many times removed...

Shit, I've read that two other presidents (Martin Van Buren and Zachary Taylor) were more closely related to Teddy than FDR was! Hell, even FDR's old lady Eleanor (Teddy's niece) was (MUCH) more closely related to Teddy than FDR was! (Which is some weird Allah-damn shit in itself, but I digress).

But if that kind of drivel is going to pass for Hilary's defense of the virtues of tired old political dynasties, then methinks we're in for some real lame-ass horseshit from this broad over the next two years for why no one not named Clinton, Bush or Obama should ever be president again (Lord Help Us All). Maybe Hilary can use these ones next:

- "We had the two Andrews." (That would be Andrew Jackson and Andrew Johnson. No relation).

- "And don't forget the two James'."  (Madison and Monroe were certainly historical presidents, even if not related).

- "We had the two middle initial 'A' guys."  (None other than James Garfield and Chester Arthur).

- "We had the two unkempt beard dudes."  (Rutherford B. Hayes and Benjamin Harrison really could've used different groomers during their time in the Oval Office).

- "We had the Kennedies."  (Hey, Teddy Kennedy's presidency was also inevitable until that damn pesky bridge accident and then when he couldn't remember why he wanted to be president on 60 Minutes in 1980).

- "We had the two Gay Presidents."  (That would be James Buchanan and, according to Joan Rivers, Barack Obama).

- "Not to mention the two Black Presidents." (The aforementioned Barack, of course, plus Hilary's old man, Bill).

- "We had the two Idiot Vice Presidents."  (Never thought we'd ever have one as dumb as Dan Quayle again until Joe Biden stumbled head-first on to the scene).

- "We had the two Dicks."  (In reference, of course, to Tricky Dick Nixon and the de facto 43rd president of the United States, Dick Cheney).

So can we please just put all this "political dynasty" talk to rest once and for all?  What difference, at this point, does it make???


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Smart-Asses: "Match.com & Mensa Create Dating Site for People With High IQs." But How's a Boutsa Hook-Up Site For All Us Dumbskies?

I'm talkin' about a dating site specially devoted to all of the idiots out there, like those of us here in here in flyover territory, who obviously ain't so bright. We're people too, ya know, even if we don't happen to be exactly what ya might call flaming wits or regular rocket scientists. We need a MatchesForMorons.com. And we needed it yesterday, damn you.

And because I'm predicting that we'll see such a site crop up before too long, I'm already toiling away on a personal profile for this new site for nimrods. Here's what I gots so far:

"White Nitwit Neanderthal Seeks Hot Little Number with the Charisma of a Cartoonish Charicature And Who Ain't the Sharpest Knife in the Ol' Drawer. Broads with IQs over 60 OR bra sizes under Double D Need NOT Apply. Bubble-headed Bazonga Babes Welcome. Shoot Me a Line, Go Head Shoot, If You Be a Desirous Dummy Dish."

What well-endowed embecile could possibly resist a charmer like Rager after reading my online ad? No one. That's who.

So I'm beggin' ya Match.com and National Council on Disabilities -- throw us simple-minded retards a damn bone over here! Us dim-bulbed dolts needs alls the helps we can gets.


Thursday, July 3, 2014

He Cheated on THESE? For THAT? British Glamour Doll Katie "Jordan" Price & Her Curvaceous Charleys Make Colorful First Public Appearance After Reports That Her Old Man Allegedly Banged Her Best Friend...

What was this fool thinkin'?!?  Let's see here: This guy Kieran Hayler could be with the comely chesticles of wife Katie Price, but instead he chooses the homely vestiges of her former best friend of 20 years, Jane Pountney (pictured immediately above)?? Who is this guy, Wilt Chamberlain tryin' to fill out his daily quota?  Oh Nelly.

Meantime, after keeping a low profile lately following the recent infidelity revelations and a coinciding trip to Splitsville, Katie is back recently with a couple of big bosomy bangs and a full rainbow of fleshy flavor at a promotional event for hair dye removal stuff "ColourB4" (top 3 pics above in all their Gazonga Glory).

No word yet whether Hayler (a male stripper) will now settle into domestic bliss with the not-so-hot homewrecker Jane, whom Hayler just apparently could not seem to pass up for a roll in the hay. But who knows...

Maybe that homespun hussy Jane polishes Hayler's stripper pole like no other? I mean, there's gotta be something more here than meets the ol' one-eye??


Friday, June 27, 2014

Racist Lush? New Book Recounts Dinner Last Year Where Hillary Reportedly Unleashed "Booze-Fueled Rant" at President Obama, Hurling F-Bombs His Way & Calling Him a "JOKE"!

Goodness Gracious! Of all things I might accuse Hillary Clinton of being, the terms racist and lush never would've come to mind before now. But to what other conclusion can a reasonable mind come after reading these items from the new book, "Blood Feud: The Clintons vs. The Obamas," by former Newsweek editor and presidential book author Edward Klein (links at bottom):

- At the college reunion dinner with friends last May, the 66-year-old Hillary reportedly got all liquored up on wine and really started letting the F-bombs, assorted other expletives, and insults fly towards President Obama and his historic presidency.

- Hillary reportedly got things started with a bang by ranting that "the story of the Obama presidency" is that Obama has "no hand on the fuckin' tiller!" (That being the functional equivalent of saying that "Obama's presidency is a fuckin' rudderless ship!").  Not nice.

- Then after some belly-aching about how Obama "can't ever be bothered" with anything, Obama's heir apparent Hillary reportedly started to get personal, calling Obama a "joke" and an "incompetent."

- Hillary even questioned Obama's honesty, veracity, integrity and truthfulness, reportedly spouting that, "You can't trust the motherfucker! His word isn't worth shit!"

- As a final special added attraction and show stopper, Hillary reportedly compared Obama to lawless crook and disgraced former gop-er president Richard M. Nixon, lowering this boom: "The IRS targeting the tea party, the Justice Department's seizure of AP phone records and James Rosen's emails -- all these scandals. Obama's allowing his hatred for his enemies to screw him the way Nixon did."  Ouch.

Having now digested the entirety of that sad rant, let me ask you something, democrat party followers:  THIS is the person that you've ordained for several years now to be the chosen successor to the first Black President in history? REALLY?!?

Think about that for a second. This woman not only opposes Obama's decisions and policies, but also downright disdains the man on a completely personal level! How in the hell can she NOT be a racist?!? And don't even get me started on the boozin'!

And what about you, African-American voters everywhere? You really gonna vote for this racist old white battle axe lush? At the 98-99 percent clip that you voted for Obama? Anything with a "D" next to the name? If so, let me tell ya: You're better than that, folks. And not sayin' vote for the gop-ers, neither. Rather Go Independent. It really is the only way to be. But your choice.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Give Him 15 Yards For Trippin': "'Police Officer of the Year' Caught on Video Tripping Students As They Stormed Soccer Field." Good For Him!

He's Georgetown cop George Bermudez, and apparently a former "police officer of the year." And he oughta get the award again this year! That's him above trippin', pushin' and takin' down various teenage shits trying to storm the damn field after the game's over...

But instead of commendation, the Georgetown Police have stuck George's ass on leave. Good God! Got over-reaction over there!

I applaud Officer George. Student freaks who rush the field are trespassing and should all be tossed in the freakin' hoosegow as far as I'm concerned. Hell, they get off light when all they get is a little trip or a kick in the keyster.

I wouldn't be so charitable to these little goofs if they ever made me a cop (damn pesky background checks): For starters, I'd throw a few clotheslines right at the ol' windpipe, Ben Davidson style...

Then a couple 'a hand thrusts to the junk later, I'd pick up a couple of them shits and deliver 'em the tombstone piledriver -- right there on the 50 yard line!

And if I got so much as one word of lip from any of these little louts, I'm make 'em eat their freakin' shoe before they could set one foot outside the hashmarks.

Next day, they put me on leave and I gets to sleep in every day for a month. Now that shit would be cool. Put me in, coach.


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Non-Cooperative: NBC News' White House Bloviator Chuck Todd Actually Declares Obama Presidency "Over" in the Eyes of the Public Based on Recent Dismal Poll Numbers. Man, Chuck Could Sure Use Some Straightenin' Out!

Doesn't this Todd guy know you can't just go around talking like that?  Who the fuck does this guy think he is, anyway?  I say give his sorry beltway reporter ass the complete Nixonian treatment, Mr. President.  Just like you're best at!

First, get the IRS all up in this dude's shit, Mr. President, since he's obviously a racist and likely a closet tea partier. He deserves it!  Just be sure to Deep Six into oblivion any and all emails discussing the need for the harassment (errr, attitude adjustment).

Next, Mr. President, get Holder and Justice, or the NSA or CIA, or whomever the fuck may be required, to get up and runnin' on this asshole's phones, computers, mobile devices, texts, email accounts, etc., etc. The whole nine yards.  The full-on Sharyl Attkisson playbook and then some, Your Majesty. Remember: You can't make a bull into a steer without breaking a few laws.

And just for good measure, Mr. President, crank up your social media minions to put this enemy in his place. Methinks there's nary a disagreeable opinion out there that can't be squelched out with a few well-chosen boycott campaigns, calls for firing, and/or hashtag movements. Sky's the limit, baby!

So Let's Move on this, Mr. President!  Allowing critical or dissenting viewpoints like Todd's to go undeterred and unpunished simply cannot be tolerated in any civil leftist society. You know that! So that's my pep talk. Now get to work on it, ya silly 20 percenter bastard, ya!


Monday, June 16, 2014

That's One Bigoted Bird: "Racist Swan Accused of Attacking Ethnic Minorities"...

The swan (and obvious Obama opponent) lives at England's exclusive Warwick University, and it's apparently the most intelligent feathered animal to land on the planet since Big Bird -- capable in its little bird brain of fully formed beliefs of racial superiority over humans of certain colors or nationalities...

The linked story (and no, it's not from The Onion) reports that Warwick students have "revealed that the swan only appears to target students from ethnic minorities."  Say Indian and Italian students at the University:

- "It's bizarre, she doesn't seem to like foreigners and attacks them."

- "She's a true right-winger that's for sure -- they certainly seem to be racially motivated incidents."

- "My friend was on the bridge and he was eating and the swan just randomly started biting off his jeans."

And apparently this "white wing supremacist" has some bigoted buddies flapping around there as well:

- "I'm from India, and they [the swans] attack me especially, they focus straight on me."

- "These swans are very annoying, and the students feel as though they're being bullied."

- "I think they don't like too many Indians in England -- maybe swans here are a little bit racist."

- "We were warned that the swans will be a bit feisty this time of year, but they go for me all year round."

No word yet whether this web-footed grand wizard and her Nazi feathered friends have any known affiliations or connection to the American tea party or the gop-ers. Maybe MSNBC or CBS can get on that one?


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Shot Heard 'Round the World: In an Historic Victory for Political Gridlock in DC, Virginia gop-er Primary Voters Kick gop-er House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's Ass to the Curb in Favor of Unknown Stammering Political Lightweight Dave Brat!

This big fat Brat had no money against the Cantor machine, but still won, signaling a complete grassroots revolt against beltway insider Cantor -- the like of which Attila the Hun could've seized upon to whip Cantor's ass in this primary.  At the heart of all this was the highly contentious political buzz phrase known as "amnesty."

But I won't bore the audience here with all the political particulars about that which I'm speaking.  Suffice it to say that democrat party leftists everywhere know exactly what the hell I'm talking about!  Looks like we won't have to be returning to the dark days of 2009 and early 2010 quite so fast, right leftists?!?  (Sing it with me:  "Gridlock, Sweet Gridlock, the Alternative to You is Hemlock!...").

Which to me is the funniest thing about last night's "political upset for the ages" in Virginia (a House Majority Leader losing in a primary has apparently never occurred before in American history):  One right-winger gop-er vanquishes another right-winger gop-er in a state primary, and it's the leftist democrat party minions this day who are the most upset and worried about it!  S-p-e-c-i-a-l!

So Ha Ha, leftist 20 percenters!  Eat your kooky little leftist hearts out!  And as this post demonstrates, you don't only have the right-wingers against you these days, you creeps. But allow me now to break back into song -- "Gridlock, Sweet Gridlock...!!!"!...


Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Old Laid: 31-Year-old "Extreme Boy Toy Takes 91-Year-Old Girlfriend Home to Meet His Mom (Who's 41 Years Younger Than Her)" -- Says the Sex Is Great!

Ya know, it's one thing for a dude to refer to his broad as the old lady. But when the dame is, in actuality, pushing 100 years old, then maybe that's taking things just a bit too far down the road of literal translation?

But not so, says the young Kyle Jones of Augusta, Georgia, of his budding January-December romance:  "Everyone's brain is wired differently, some guys prefer blondes, some brunettes, some like other guys -- I like old ladies." And that's certainly one way of putting it...

Jones and his 91-year-old geezer girl, Marjorie McCool (couple pictured above), reportedly "have an active sex life and can't keep their hands off each other." Or is that just her arthritis and gout kicking in?

Regardless, this old ball-and-chain Marjorie can't reasonably expect to keep her 60-years-younger play thing all to herself, now can she? A milky millennial treasure like Jones should be shared with all the ossified old battle axes out there still capable of moving their legs, no?

Jones takes that very sentiment to heart, saying he is "currently dating five women over age 60, including Marjorie" -- for whom he's made a bit of an Dutch oven exception: "Most of the time, the average age I go for is between 60 and 80," he says.

And his 91-year-old grizzled girlfriend gots no problem with Jones' extra-curriculars with her fellow enfeebled: "In the beginning I got jealous of his other women but he keeps coming back to me and tells me I'm the best," says the moth-eaten Marjorie.

And what's not to like about this decayed old fossil? Especially with bedroom anecdotes like this one straight from the old plug's mouth: "I wear sexy outfits to bed, [but] I try to keep my bra on though because I don't have much left." Which begs the question: What's the going rate on an old bat boob job?