Friday, September 30, 2011

Did Ashton Kutcher Really Bang Some Other Broad On His Sixth Wedding Anniversary with Demi Moore? If So, That's a Fine How Do You Do...

Gee, you could never see this coming up Main Street! 40-something dame marries 20-something man. Of course the young guy's gonna love her forever and never get bored, right? What a great idea, cougars marrying young men. Or not.

And so it is that we get this new story from the New York Post (link at bottom) that new "Two and Half Men" star Ashton Kutcher (now 33) was going at it hot and heavy with 20-something Sara Leal (pictured above and below, reportedly, with Kutcher) on the night of his sixth wedding anniversary with his old lady, 48-year-old Demi Moore. Kutcher and Sara have reportedly been "partying" together for three months now.

Prior to the past week's alleged Kutcher-Sara sex hook up, the two were reportedly partying at the Fluxx Club in San Diego. In perhaps the biggest understatement of the new century, one club patron observed: "Ashton didn't look like someone who was celebrating a wedding anniversary."

That viewpoint, BTW, is so shortsighted and obtuse. Kutcher's obviously so in love with Demi that he just wanted to express all of that joy to the barely legal Sara. He just wanted to show Sara what it feels like when he makes love to his adoring wife. What a fitting tribute to Demi on the couple's sixth anniversary!

(Now I think I know what if feels like to be a partisan tasked with positively spinning every bad story and situation, now matter how bad. How partisan slimeballs live with themselves, I'll never know. But I digress.)

Meantime, the very young lady Sara has obviously been boning up on (among other things) her Barack Obama speeches, as she reportedly now wants her "fair share" from Kutcher for keeping her big trap shut on the details of the alleged affair.

Specifically, Sara's reportedly looking to score a cool $250,000 as the price of not spilling all the beans -- although, truth be told, isn't the damn cat pretty much out of the bag at this point?

I really love how one anonymous source to the Post almost seemed to try to portray Sara as the good girl here who really just wants to spare Kutcher from any embarrassment! Said the Post's source:

"Sara is talking to multiple media outlets for a deal. [But] what she really wants is to get a pay-off from Ashton. She has reached out to Ashton's team."

Ah yes: That wonderful spirit of reaching out, cooperation and compromise! Let's strike a Grand Bargain, Ashton! It's great to see that these Hollywood types, at least, are still listening to Obama.

Anyway, Demi has not been seen with Kutcher in months, and reportedly a divorce may be in the works. Her apparent reaction to the Sara Leal story has been rather oddball, to say the least -- including a series of "dark" Tweets. First "she posted a picture of her face with her eyes closed and the words, 'I see through you.'"

Then on that sixth anniversary night in question (and as pictured above), Demi reportedly turned into Caine from Kung Fu and started spouting proverbs from Greek philosophers. Fair enough, but I've got one for her:

"She was August, he was May, and when September arrived, he and a much younger broad hit the hay." -- TIRetus.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Machete Don't Resist Flames: Demented Machete Swinging Hobo Squatter Allegedly Carves a Man Up & Then Badly Burns Himself After Torching the Building!

This Machete wannabe had a whole lotta mayhem on his mind, allegedly. Cops in the Big Apple say it all started when a "deranged, machete-swinging squatter hacked a Bronx neighbor" right on the ol' mush this past week, before next turning the machete on the victim's arms and hands. (Links to full story at bottom).

Before the 65-year-old victim could so much as fire off a text in response to the Machete tramp's alleged attack, the victim (pictured above in the bandages) was a bloody mess in need of a damn stretcher:

"I'm lucky he didn't chop of my head," said victim Hobart Barrow. "I opened the door, I see him coming at me with a sword. I tried to block him, but my bare hands can't block a sword," the victim also pointed out (unless you're Kwai Chang Caine or Solomon Grundy, of course).

Meantime the alleged machete-wielding monstrosity -- 36-year-old Teddy John (now charged with felony assault) -- was apparently just getting warmed up at this point. The skin-shearing vagabond was reportedly squattin' in the joint (he damn sure wasn't the new gardener), but didn't care for his new digs too much.

That's evident since cops say this butcherin' bum -- after shredding up the old man -- went to play with fire, literally, as he next allegedly set the whole damn apartment building ablaze for no good reason.

But alas, while the Machete character from the movies would always have an escape plan, this flesh-slicing freak reportedly did little more than hang around the big blaze after allegedly setting it. Apparently, Machete wasn't lookin' for "safe" -- nor to improvise.

Bad move, since just as a hand don't block machete, machete sure as hell don't repel flames so hot that you could fry an egg on them.

This vein-shanking vagrant reportedly learned that lesson only too well, as one rescue worker said this alleged machete madman suffered critical burns in the fire -- "burning himself so badly that the rescuer felt the man's scorched skin peel away." Ouch.

That's gonna leave a mark. I just hope he slapped hot machete iron to them burns before they got too out of hand. Also wonder if the ER nurses took his machete away before they hauled his ass off to the burn unit. Because if not them, then who?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Where'd HE Come From? Racist tea partiers Propel Herman Cain to the Top of a New Poll of republic partisan Presidential Candidates!

Here comes the Herman "Raisin'" Cain Train! It's finally on the rails and chuggin' faster than a freight train trying to escape a pack of hobos:

Fresh off Cain's shocking Florida straw poll win last weekend -- in which he garnered more support than Mitt Romney and Rick Perry combined -- a new Zogby poll has the tea party favorite Cain now leading the gop field at 28% to Perry's 18% and Romney's 17%. So what the hell is going on here?

First, the leftist 20 percenters may have to alter some of their rhetoric with respect to the racist tea party. Maybe something like:

The tea party is inherently racist, hates Obama because he's black, and hates all black people except Herman Cain. And maybe further: The "tea baggers" only allow Cain's black ass to stick around because the racist rednecks figure they can score some major Godfather's Pizza coupons outta the whole gig.

That, or maybe the leftists can trot out some circa 1971 AD Ali/Frazier trash talk and conjure up the vile "House" moniker for Cain. But regardless, they need to come up with something (and just how ugly that something might be will not make a bit of difference to them).

Second, and despite his new-found polling strength, I would still maintain that Cain has not a chance in hell of getting the gop nomination. Just can't see the republic partisan "establishment" ever allowing that. And not because he's black. But rather because he's a political outsider and affiliated with the tea party. The entrenched, old-line, career gop'ers hate that shit, in short.

Third, I think the gop primary race remains Romney's to lose, especially given Rick Perry's God-awful debate performances (and corresponding decline in the polls). I'm starting to think Perry couldn't talk his way out of an unlocked Mississippi shithouse (even if someone had pulled the fire alarm). In three debates, the deranged right-winger Perry has gone from bad to rotten to just plain incompetent on his feet.

Fourth, the idea of a Romney-Cain presidential ticket seems most interesting to me. Not because I would vote for it, because I doubt if I would. I still regard the smooth-talking Romney as basically a partisan stiff who doesn't stand for a whole hell of a lot of anything.

Cain -- I like more personally (he's kind of an affable, much better-spoken version of Perry), but I don't think I could sign off on him being one step from the presidency. Dude just tends to say too many crazy things from time to time. Not to mention, he's all the way right-winger and therefore of a sort for whom I don't vote.

But despite what I might think, I can still see a Romney-Cain ticket being fairly formidable against Obama in 2012 AD. Romney is one gop'er for whom I believe many Independents (notwithstanding myself) could bring themselves to vote.

However, Romney is viewed as "less than conservative" by the tea partiers and many in the gop base and will therefore likely need a devout right-winger as his VP candidate if he wants to stir up right-winger enthusiasm (i.e. money). Cain fits that bill.

And Cain's presence -- in addition to sapping a fair amount of black votes from Obama -- would also sap the living hell out of the constant leftist theme of the republic partisans being a one-toothed pack of racist nazi rednecks.

The leftist democrat party will still (always) beat that drum, to be sure, but its resonance would be highly muted, most def, in face of Cain on the republic partisan ticket. I mean, you can only play the race card so many times in ridiculous situations before people finally just start laughing at your ass.

Cain poll link:

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

tea party Take Note: You Might Actually Connect with More Than Just the Right-Wing Fringe If You Took to Protesting Like THESE People in Utah...

Sorry tea partiers, but Paul Revere get-ups, leftist-style three and four-word catchphrases, and endless "Don't Tread on Me" flags just don't resonate that much with (1) many Independents, (2) virtually any potentially disaffected democrat party voter or (3) much of anyone under the age of 40 or 50. You should take a cue from these protesters in Utah. To wit:

Retire the 1776 AD costumes; let your hair down; and take your damn tops (and wigs) off!!! I mean, just look at some of those hotties! They were strippin' down to their undies in Salt Lake City over the weekend to protest what they see as social conservatitism run amok in the Mormon Jerusalem. Bra and panty match, anyone?

Although these barely legal protesters were unified in the common goal of disrobing just as far as (or a little bit more than) the law would allow, their actual underlying causes seemed as diverse as the bug population in an Alabama shithouse.

Some were pissed off about new, more stringent alcohol laws in Utah. Others wanted to show their support for legalized gay marriage. Still others seemed to lack a specific, concrete cause at all, simply writing cute-sounding general proclamations on their largely bare torsos -- such as "support = rights" and "judge not les [sic] ye be judged." Works for me!

Although this protest is an annual event called the "Utah Undie Run," it drew a whopping 3000 people this year after never before drawing more than 55. The 3000 figure will reportedly set some sort of Guinness Book world record if it's verified ("biggest bra & panty party ever," I would assume).

Ultimately, the goal was "to change Utah," said the event's organizer. And so enthusiastic were some of the female protesters, apparently, that they even started rhyming their words when asked why they were there with little more than a stitch of clothing to cover their midsections and often bosomy top halfs.

Said the participants' website, specifically: "We've all heard it for yours: Utah is boring, Utahans are uptight. Well it's time to change all that. At least for a night."

Sounds like the damn "Night Before Christmas"! And again, more that the tea party could take away from this event: Forget the Fourth of July -- talk like it's Christmas, dress like it's Mardi Gras, and party like it's 1999 AD, baby!

Monday, September 26, 2011

He Was a Real Pig, She Said: Florida Woman Allegedly Whacks Out Her Old Man & Buries Him in a Pig Sty, Then Celebrates His Departure on Facebook!

She tried to put lipstick on this stinking, rotten pig of an event, but nothing doin' (allegedly), as she now faces second-degree murder charges. Cops in Melbourne, Florida say that 4o-year-old Jennifer Lynn Hearn (pictured above) wasn't exactly telling the full-boar's story recently when she claimed on Facebook that her hubby had left her and that, "I love being single!"

Cops say Hearn rubbed out her out man with a gun during an argument and then tried to give him a highly improper burial -- in a damn pig sty! Specifically, Hearn allegedly dragged the supposed swine's ass out to her hog pen and put him in the ground two feet under all that muck and mire. No word whether he was buried porkbelly down or up.

But man, that stinks. Someone should tell this broad that funeral parlors, undertakers and graveyards ain't going outta style anytime soon. USE THEM for cryin' out loud! What's next -- burying the old man under the city trash dump?!?

Regardless, Hearn's pig-headed response to her old man's demise allegedly went from bad to worse when she hit the ol' online social networking world a little later. She reportedly started bragging it up to the men online that the old man had left her and that she was now more officially up for grabs than Milner on Graffiti I!

In addition to squealing to the world her love for being "single again," Hearn also allegedly posted on Facebook the following: "WOW. I am so glad one person walked out of my life so others could walk in."

And why, pray tell, would any man ever want to do that? In order to see a pig sty up close and personal and learn a whole new meaning to the phrase, "pig out." When pig's fly, maybe.

Just for good and measure, Hearn allegedly laid the pig slop on real thick on Facebook, wallowing around and additionally claiming that that her old man had left her "high and dry" by moving out. High and dry? More like low and cold out in the pig pen (allegedly).

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Gay Porn & Toilets -- A Recipe for Certain Disaster: Gay Porn Star Convicted of Clocking His Girlfriend Right in the Kisser with a Damn Toilet Seat!

There are certain things that just don't go together very well. Sonny & Cher. Dogs & chocolate bars. Skinheads & the Hood. Leftist 20 percenters or Texas governors & the presidency. And, now, a new example: Gay porn stars and shithouse fixtures.

He's 41-year-old former gay porn star Ryan Idol (f/k/a Marc Anthony Donais) (pictured above), and this week a jury in Sacramento convicted him of trying to whack out his girlfriend with the lid off a bathroom toilet bowl. The conviction is a real crapper for Idol (who now awaits sentencing), since it was an attempted murder charge likely to carry some serious time in a different type of can where the toilets have no lids.

This whole sordid story began with a rather demented version of the '80s TV show, "Three's Company." Idol and the girlfriend reportedly moved into a condo with one of Idol's former male lovers. And sure enough, the shitter hit the fan when girlfriend found the two men having sex.

This completely unforeseeable turn of events apparently caused girlfriend to take up residence elsewhere. A few days later, Idol reportedly engaged in a day of poker playin', whiskey drinkin', and trying to call his girlfriend over and over again (17 times total).

Unable to reach her, Idol made a beeline to her new residence -- telling her upon his arrival, "I came over here to kill you." The girlfriend says that Idol then picked her up like she was a blowup sex dummy and tossed her ass into a bathroom.

There she says Idol first started pounding her with his fists before the poker-playin' porn star tried to raise the 'ol ante. Girlfriend says Idol then ripped the lid off a nearby toilet seat and used it to smash her right in the mush. The result of this porn star's money shot was to knock out the girlfriend as blood gushed from her noggin.

Idol tried to claim self-defense at trial, but the jury wasn't buying. And I'm really not sure why. Seems only logical, after all: If some broad is attacking you, one of the first thoughts that's always going to come to mind is to run into the john and remove a toilet lid for a weapon.

I'm just surprised he didn't try to unscrew the sink faucet while he was at it so that he could go two-fisted with his weapons like a crude whirling dervish. But I guess that's why they called him Idol for his porn moniker rather than Johnny On the Spot.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

They Want to Make Sure It Remains the Best LITTLE Whorehouse in the Outback: Anti-Big Box Store Sentiments Sweep Into the Brothel Industry!

Bigger isn't always better. That's a cliche, but only because it (like most cliches) has some truth to it. We see that principle at work when opposition springs up to building new "big box" stores like Walmart. We see it when NCAA Division I athletic conferences in 2011 AD incessantly threaten to morph into "super conferences" but (as of yet) have never done so.

We also see it when the right-wingers say (with a fair amount of merit) that the real goal of the federal government getting involved in health care is not to enhance competition but instead to ultimately eliminate the private health insurance industry. Heck, we even see it in today's fake-boob culture, where nearly every man on the planet would agree that it is possible for a broad to have her cans made TOO large.

But now we're even seeing this principle applied to -- Whorehouses?!? So comes the news from Australia this week, where even though prostitution is legal, the Sydney city council has put the kibosh on a proposed Super Whorehouse "because it could hurt smaller bordellos." The Ma & Pop Whorehouses down under sure must have a powerful lobby.

Sure enough, "plans to supersize the [Sydney] brothel were scuttled by the city council," which "claimed on Monday that the mega-brothel might squash smaller mom-and-pop cathouses." Ma & Pop's hoes must be blowing a huge collective sigh of relief today.

The proposed Mega-Whorehouse was to feature many "rooms with multiple beds and pool tables." This trollop joint (named "Stiletto Brothel") wanted to double its number of existing rooms to 40 and (as a special added attraction) build on a new "wing for group bookings." So looks like the joint's johns -- at least if they want to book a full-fledged orgy -- are going to have to chalk up their pool sticks in someone else's back room.

Council members were reportedly mindful of the "big box" store concern, as one of them rejected the Super Whorehouse idea because it would create the "'Westfield of brothels,' referring to the country's largest shopping mall chain.'"

At the same time, however, council members want to make it damn clear that they have nothing in general against the idea of a woman auctioning off her body to the highest bidder. Said one council member: "We're not prudes, we're not opposed to brothels, but we have a policy of anti-clustering, spreading them out."

But that reasoning strikes me as having a call girl-sized hole in its logic. Because it seems the very goal of Stiletto's new Mega-Whorehouse WAS to have whores "spreading them out" from one side of the damn block to the other. Even over on the pool table.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Amid Scandal: Is It Splitsville for Todd & Sarah Palin? And Is Her Political Career Now Over as a Result? Before Saying "You Betcha"...

...keep in mind that these new claims are coming from the National Enquirer, which tends to be full of shit about 20 times for every story it actually gets right (democrat party VP candidate John Edwards cowering down in a hotel shithouse in 2007 AD notwithstanding).

The tabloid's now claiming that "friends close" to Sarah Palin say hubby Todd is ready to file for divorce because he's "fed up with the constant scandals" that seem to dog his buxom wife like a grizzly bear on a caribou. (Link to full story at bottom).

What's more, the Enquirer says that in light of the recent "revelations" on Palin from Joe McGinniss' upcoming book ("The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin"), Palin's political advisers have told her that her political career is effectively over.

To wit, as McGinniss' upcoming book alleges and will reportedly detail:

-While dating Todd back in the late 80's AD, the then-sportscaster Sarah Palin engaged in her own real-life version of the film "Nailin' Palin," having a wild romp in the sack with Michigan basketball star Glen Rice.

-The Enquirer reports that the Glen Rice item made Todd feel like a "laughing stock" after it became the butt of jokes across the Net and late night TV.

-McGinniss' book reportedly contains confirmation from Sarah Palin's ex-brother-in-law Mike Wooten that Palin during her marriage had an ongoing affair with husband Todd's business partner, Brad Hanson, which caused Todd to "dissolve their snowmobile dealership after learning of it." (So THAT's where she learned to "ride" that wild baby?!?)

-Sarah's brother "Chuckie" Heath is quoted as saying that Sarah and Todd "don't have a marriage."

-The books also claims Sarah Palin once snorted cocaine off a damn oil drum! (A "55-gallon" drum, no less -- the precise volume of said drum being highly germane to the story).

-The book also claims Palin used to engage in "secret liaisons" with one of her college professors. The encounters reportedly involved plenty of puffing on the Magic Dragon, as the two smoked more tree than an Alaska logging outfit (allegedly).

-Just for good measure, the book also questions Palin's parenting skills, calling her a "bad mom" who made her kids cook their own meals while she "would lock herself in her room for hours." (No word whether any oil drums or basketball stars ever found their way into that bedroom).

Regardless of any of this foolishness, however, I've thought Palin's political career on the national level has long been over. Her negatives are not only extremely high among the general population, but also within the republic partisan party alike.

So forget her being unelectable in a general election -- she'd have virtually no chance of ever getting the right-wingers' nomination in the first place. That fact ain't changin' for better or for worse even if she bangs the whole damn Boston Celtics while doin' more blow than Tony Montana during an office sitdown.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

One-Stop Shopping, Sowbelly Style: St. Louis Man Allegedly Fries Himself Up Some Bacon for Breakfast While Burglarizing Woman's House!

Hey, it was the 9:00 a.m. hour on 9/20/11 AD, and the man was hungry! (Allegedly). He's 36-year-old Damon Petty (pictured above), and cops in St. Louis say Petty is a lot more than just a petty thief -- he's also allegedly a bona fide burglar and (apparently) an aspiring short-order cook.

This whole porky pilferage reportedly went down around 9:45 a.m. Tuesday, when cops say the pork-lover Petty broke into the home of Kenya Ealy. He allegedly stuffed some of her valuables in his pockets like so many porkbellies, but also couldn't resist the temptation of gettin' his grub on while he was there.

So maybe a quick baloney sandwich? Or nuke a Hot Pocket for a minute? Nope. Time just didn't seem to be of the essence for this boar-cravin' burglar (allegedly). In short, in his mind, he had time to fry some swine (allegedly). So he allegedly cooked up some bacon eats in a frying pan right there on the damn kitchen stove!

And this dude was not going to be denied his little pig out! (Allegedly). Instead, he allegedly tried to save his own bacon -- literally.

In particular, cops say that when homeowner Kenya Ealy brought home the bacon and arrived at the house with a female friend, the alleged bacon-strip burglar Petty -- with his bacon still sizzlin' on said stovetop -- tried to hold the front door shut to block the women from getting in (at least until his bacon was fully cooked -- no one wants a tapeworm from underdone pork, of course).

When the two ladies were finally permitted entry, they reportedly took to fighting the bacon-rind burglar, effectively forming a giant BLT sandwich on his ass. Cops say the tandem managed to hold Petty's snout and hooves to the griddle until the cops got a call to start shakin' their bacon on over to the joint. The Net's big-bosomed Bacon Babe (pictured below) would be proud of these broads' performance!

Now Petty may have to take his bacon as a pig in the pokey, as cops have busted him on first-degree burglary charges. He's also expected to be charged with an earlier burglary in the area in which the homeowner didn't come home during the cob roller caper.

No word yet whether Petty might have also helped himself to a little breakfast during that alleged earlier piece of work. Regardless, I'd personally advise this man to switch his early morn' preferences to eggs and grits. Youse can cook them bitches so must faster than swine sticks!