Thursday, September 22, 2011
One-Stop Shopping, Sowbelly Style: St. Louis Man Allegedly Fries Himself Up Some Bacon for Breakfast While Burglarizing Woman's House!
Hey, it was the 9:00 a.m. hour on 9/20/11 AD, and the man was hungry! (Allegedly). He's 36-year-old Damon Petty (pictured above), and cops in St. Louis say Petty is a lot more than just a petty thief -- he's also allegedly a bona fide burglar and (apparently) an aspiring short-order cook.
This whole porky pilferage reportedly went down around 9:45 a.m. Tuesday, when cops say the pork-lover Petty broke into the home of Kenya Ealy. He allegedly stuffed some of her valuables in his pockets like so many porkbellies, but also couldn't resist the temptation of gettin' his grub on while he was there.
So maybe a quick baloney sandwich? Or nuke a Hot Pocket for a minute? Nope. Time just didn't seem to be of the essence for this boar-cravin' burglar (allegedly). In short, in his mind, he had time to fry some swine (allegedly). So he allegedly cooked up some bacon eats in a frying pan right there on the damn kitchen stove!
And this dude was not going to be denied his little pig out! (Allegedly). Instead, he allegedly tried to save his own bacon -- literally.
In particular, cops say that when homeowner Kenya Ealy brought home the bacon and arrived at the house with a female friend, the alleged bacon-strip burglar Petty -- with his bacon still sizzlin' on said stovetop -- tried to hold the front door shut to block the women from getting in (at least until his bacon was fully cooked -- no one wants a tapeworm from underdone pork, of course).
When the two ladies were finally permitted entry, they reportedly took to fighting the bacon-rind burglar, effectively forming a giant BLT sandwich on his ass. Cops say the tandem managed to hold Petty's snout and hooves to the griddle until the cops got a call to start shakin' their bacon on over to the joint. The Net's big-bosomed Bacon Babe (pictured below) would be proud of these broads' performance!
Now Petty may have to take his bacon as a pig in the pokey, as cops have busted him on first-degree burglary charges. He's also expected to be charged with an earlier burglary in the area in which the homeowner didn't come home during the cob roller caper.
No word yet whether Petty might have also helped himself to a little breakfast during that alleged earlier piece of work. Regardless, I'd personally advise this man to switch his early morn' preferences to eggs and grits. Youse can cook them bitches so must faster than swine sticks!