Friday, January 30, 2015

So Cliche: "Amy Childs Puts Her Ample Assets on Full Display in Cape Verde." Can't These Headline Hacks Ever Come Up With Anything Better Than "Ample Assets"?

"Ample assets" ain't a bad phrase the first time you hear it.  Or maybe even after a few usages. But man it sure gets old over time...

So I'd like to ask everyone just to keep it down for a moment while I take this opportunity to propose a few alternatives to the UK Daily Mail.  Like these:

- Hawesome Honkers.

- Islamoradical Rack.

- Boatloaded Balcony.

- Two Huge Tits.

- Collectible Cans.

- Fuckin' Fun Bags!!

- Masterpiece Melons.

- Big-Ass Bazooms.

- Jesus H. Jugs.

Shouldn't I be getting paid for this shit??

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Fried Egg: Heart (& Belly) Warmin' New Details Emerge Concerning Captain Kangaroo's Last Meal on Earth. And It Had a Decidedly A-M (If Fundamentally Flawed) Flavor...

Well, he did Captain a morning show, after all! According to the linked accounts, the Good Cap'n's Last Supper consisted of a hearty breakfast platter consisting of eggs over easy, biscuits and gravy, and waffles. And while I don't mean to quibble with the Beloved Old Captain's culinary choices, I must nitpick a lick over here...

Sorry, but there are myriad preferential methods to grub up eggs rather than over easy. Gimme sunny side up, soft-boiled, scrambled or poached any day of the week over a lazy-ass, two-sided grill job.

And while I have been known to favor a good dollop (or 12 or 13) of gravy over my eggs, save your damn biscuits and waffles, El Capitan (that's way too many empty carbs, there, Chris Christie).

Too, just what kind of self-respecting breakfast Diner-diner ever takes his huevos down the hole without a good meat member? My personal prerogatives fancy a good pound steak, or leastways a ham hock or zany little bacon package.

Last but not least, never forget the grits, butter and salt to round out the attraction, Mr. Marsupial.  So R-I-P, but Please DO practice your breakfast bona fides for the next life, ya screwy sumbitch, ya.

Friday, January 23, 2015

No One's Listening: Obama's "State of the Union" Spiel Attracts "Lowest Audience in 15 Years" For the Highly Publicized Annual Event...

BTW: Obama spoke this week?  Missed it. Must've had more important things to do that day.

Like laying bathtub grout. Or flushing the wax out my ears. Or obsessing all week over Brady's deflated balls.

Just ain't enough hours in the day any more.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

What a Reach (Around)! Billy Crystal Draws Ire of "Social" Media's Politically Correct Minions, Imploring: "Stop Shoving Gay Sex Scenes In My Face!" But I Agree!

Here's how it is: I ain't tuning into some of favorite TV dramas (e.g., Banshee, Game of Thrones, Justified, etc., etc.) to see all the mindless gratuitous sex scenes they always seem to be tossin' into the mix.  When I want to get off on steamy make-believe sex, I'll just plop in a fuckin' porn for Chrissakes! (But not tonight -- it ain't Friday yet).

Sure, at times (although rarely) the soft-shoe sex scenes on regular TV shows can be kinda cool.  Like when that huge-titted bimbo on True Detective went to work on Woody Harrelson in Season 1!  Or when a couple 'a broads suddenly tag team a dude right outta the blue!

But typically, these TV-drama sex scenes are very sleep-inducing. Been there. Done that. YAWN! Simply put, otherwise outstanding dramas like those mentioned above could use far fewer of the obligatory, highly boring soft-core fuck-fests.

And this basic proposition (i.e. stop boring the living shit out of me over here) really makes no fuckin' difference if the gratuitous sex scene involves heterosexual versus gay sex. Enough already. Take it to my On Demand Porn channel and/or cut it the hell out of my drama show, for Jeezal Peezal Sake! 

Finally, as for any of you rotgut, group-thinking "social" media types who have any problem with Crystal's or any of my sentiments: I, unlike your Messiah, Obama, thought permitting gay marriage was the right thing to do years before Obama kept opposing it all the way up until the late hour of 2012 (when village idiot Joe Biden forced Obama's hand for Obama to end Obama's long-held homophobic position of gay marriage opposition)... 

What an Inconvenient Truth for all the zombie-brained, homophobe-card-playing, "social" media lout hypocrites out there.  But same as it ever was, No?!?

Friday, January 16, 2015

Politically Incorrect: Former Slave Colony Barbados Becomes the Winter "Go-To Place for Celebrities" Like Model Jodie Marsh and Others...

Other celebs seen recently on the former slave island's white sands include Simon Cowell, Lauren Silverman, Emma Forbes and Chloe Green (Mail link below). It's apparently become quite the holiday spot for the jet-setting crowd!

Never mind the island's dark history as a former Caribbean slave colony which once boasted an African slave population of over 80,000.  Which is not even to mention another former slave population on the island comprised of my ancestors' countrymen, the Irish, who were taken to Barbados in bondage by the English and whose descendants to this day form a poor, permanent underclass on the island referred to by the pejorative, "redlegs."

But enough of all that shit already.  How's abouts them side-tits on this Jodie Marsh?!? That broad can feel free to chain up my Kraut-Mick ass and paint my lower protuberances red until the sands turn green for all I care. Only one caveat, baby: Rager don't do tatoos.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Someone Ring the Cops: Who Is This Flabby, Mullet-Headed, Man-Boobed, Pasty-White Old Goober of a Dork Harassing This Hot Little Number?

Regardless, meponders that this saucy little swallop Anjulie Persaud needs to trade up.

Like yesterday.

Leastways lest Lawrence from Next Door was just panhandling or looking for his missing sunblock.

Oh for the days when they didn't let hobos out on the beach before dark.

You just can't go anywhere any more.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Now These Positions Open Up All Sorts 'a Possibilities! Alec Baldwin's Old Lady Hilaria, 31, Gets Blasted on "Social Media" For Being a "Fame Whore." WTF?!?

Pot meet kettle, "social media." 'Cause seems to me that you are chock full of little tiny people living down in a sub-basement somewhere and grasping for that one moronic tweet, post or comment that might get you noticed by someone other than Aunt Gertie or Willie the Wino down to the corner.

I've never even understood the moniker, "social" media. It's always seemed pretty anti-social to me:  Principally comprised of politically correct, grouchy, curmudgeony, group-thinking creeps who -- to quote a fellow MU alum -- probably haven't had a day of fun in their whole lives.

As for this hot little number Hilaria: This broad can feel free to be a freakin' fame whore to her little heart's content! Just keep them pics 'a comin', Baby! And if this sweet dish's next pic involves the ol' Butter Churner, I just may have to excuse myself to the shithouse for a few days (sheepish grin).

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

For Sarcophagus' Sake: "Thief Steals Hearse at Church with Casket & Body Still Inside"!

Story's from South L.A.  The hearse in question was reportedly left idling in the church parking lot by the funeral parlor pard with the coffin and dearly departed still chilling in the back (link below).

But if I've said it once, I've said it a million times:  If you leave the keys inside, then shame on your dumb ass when they take a ride.  Silly undertaker.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Holy Holiday Healthiness: "Melanie Sykes Has One Hell of a Bikini Body!" Uh...

...That's one way to put it mildly.

Realize that this broad is actually older than the Rager!?!

Good Grief.

And never mind who she is.  Because I don't know.

Said Hilary: What difference, at this point, does it make?!?