Monday, March 31, 2014

Sick Stereotype: "Mugshot Accumulator Draws Up Most Likely Faces to Be Arrested for Drug Offenses." Really?!?

I'm personally offended over here.  I take that composite mugshot as an affront. A great slight. The ultimate disrespect. A personal insult to my individual personhood...

Forgettabout the broad, I'm focusing on the dude.  He shares certain resemblances to the younger version of me, all the way down to them beady little brown eyes and that perfectly rounded schnoz.

If I didn't know better, that guy could almost be the young me. As such, I easily could fall in love with him if only I swang in that direction. And that's supposed to be the typical face of someone who gets tossed in the hoosegow?

Here's the problem: I ain't spent a minute in the can in over 14 years. And I wouldn't know the inside of a meth lab from an Alabama shithouse. Hell, I've never even pulled a damn bank job!

So methinks Mr. Mugshot Accumulator needs to G-F-H and/or stick his own freakin' mush up on that picture. Leave me the hell out of it, ya prick ya! Now I'm so riled up that my goiter's flaring up like a Kansas City Zoo rumble. I gots to scoot...

Friday, March 28, 2014

"Did She Get a Boob Job?," Queries Headline Concerning Glee's Naya Rivera. Are You Kidding Me? Is Vladimir Putin's Melon Big, Round & Oversized?

After and before pics from Miss Naya above. OF COURSE she just upsized them cans! Please! And a very healthy enhancement it was.

Now if Naya can just convince her fellow Glee co-star Lea Michelle to get a tit job (the only thing missing from her otherwise complete package).

And same for that cookin' broad, Rachael Ray. Although I've been saying she needs to ramp up her rack for years now.

Maybe now Naya can be that good example and positive influence that will finally bring some of these other hot little numbers in line. Lord knows they could use just a little encouragement over there.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Vatican Chief Justice: "Obama's Policies 'Have Become PROGRESSIVELY More Hostile Toward Christian Civilization.'" But Ain't That the Name of the Game?

Says Cardinal Leo Raymond Burke (an obvious racist) (pictured above) this week:  "The policies of the president of the United States have become progressively more hostile toward Christian civilization. He appears to be a totally secularized man who aggressively promotes anti-life and anti-family policies."

But whassup, Cardinal? Obama and his ilk don't call themselves by the P-Word for nuttin', there, pal! And who doesn't want progress wrapped in a succinct suffix? Get with the program, boss.

Although I never use that word, personally. No P-Word in this space. They'll always just be garden-variety leftists to me.  Or leftist 20 percenters, if you please.

I note also that the good Cardinal is a former archbishop of St. Louis, although I assume he resides at the Vatican these days...

And best stay there, buddy. Well out the reach of the IRS, Justice and EPA. The NSA, on the other hand ... I'd think about channeling some Jimmy Carter and embracing the ol' snail-mail over there, chief.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Makin' Some Shit-Faced Sense: Florida Man Gets Busted for DUI, Tells Cops He Was Just Trying to "Drive It Off" by Heading to a Bar After the Old Lady Told Him He Drinks Too Much...

61-year-old Michael Moore has a simple story (link below). He says he was downing some brews at home recently when the old lady jumped his ass for drinking too much. So he gots in his car to heads to a bar, but not before he says he tried to "drive it off" (his buzz) on the way there. Cops stopped Moore for speeding and hauled him to the hoosegow for DUI.

So this story makes the Net rounds as just another "dumb crime" committed in the U.S., but methinks there's a certain clarity of logic to our plastered perpetrator's explanation. Follow me here:

-The old lady's giving Moore the business for boozin' it up again, so he decides he better sober his ass up. Ever the obedient old man, this guy.

-What better way to sober up than to place oneself in a location where there's no alcohol to tempt? Moore needed to get out the joint and find a dry spot. Which he did. Behind the wheel.

-I'm assuming the night was still young, and Moore didn't want to fall asleep. So instead of just sitting in the car like a sloth, Moore gets that ride a' rollin' to try to "drive it off" -- just like wifey wanted.

-But since he can't exactly get his drink on back at home after sobering up, he needed an end destination that (1) brings the wet and (2) won't bust his balls for liquoring the hell back up.  Only one joint fits that two-pronged billing: The local bar, obviously.

All this makes a certain ounce of sense. At least I presume to a drunk. My only suggestion to Moore for the next time: Drive if off in a cab on the way to the bar. And yes -- in a passenger seat preferably.

Friday, March 21, 2014

He Did NOT Have Sexual Relations With That Woman! But If That Be True, Then Why the Hell Didn't He?!?

She's 23-year-old British "reality TV star" Amy Childs. And Good Grief, just a take a look at that broad! Who in his right damn mind would NOT unhitch the ol' barn door and start plowin' them tracks of land?

Some famous married athlete there named Darren Gough (an "ex-cricketer"), that's who. Or so Childs claims (suggesting there's been no hanky panky between the two "friends")...

The alleged affair has the Limey tabloids all ablaze, but Childs continues to say "nothing to see here" -- all the while allegedly using the rumors for personal gain to "publicize her clothing brand" and "defiantly remaining in front of cameras as she models her new swimwear" (links below). Smooth!

For his part, the 43-year-old Gough (currently in Splitsville with his old lady) has refused comment, and who can blame him? Would you ever deny a rumor that you'd banged that hot little number Childs? And given that he's technically still married, how the hell can he admit same? But the real question: How come I can never get a piece of such a terrible dilemma?

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Way Overblown: "College Group Bans White People From 'Diversity Happy Hour,'" But Purports to Take No Action Prohibiting Honkies From Simply Getting Their Drink On in the Back of the Joint...

Hey, if the non-crackas at this Washington state college (link below) want to ban me and segregate me to a different part of the bar away from their Diversity Happy Hour, I ain't gonna lead no protest marches or boycott efforts over here...

It's not like they're saying I can't get all fucked up at the back bar or up on the roof.  Keep me separate, if you will, just so long as you treat me equal. That, after all, is what the young-uns and the smart ones these days refer to as, Progress.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Why the Long Face? Israeli Supermodel Bar Refaeli Laments Her Trouble Finding a Man. Pssst: Hey Baby, I'm Up for Grabs!

When not strutting scantily clad around a Thai beach over the past week (pics above), the 28-year-old former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model's got angst and a whole lotta antsy when it comes to landing that right guy (link below).  Barks Bar:

"I don't understand it. I'm okay. I look great. I'm cool. I like going out. I like being at home. I like movies. I like eating. So what's wrong with me? Why am I alone?"

One thing it's clear Bar doesn't like so much is speaking in long, overly complex sentences. Which, truth be told, should only make her all the more "cool" to all the dudes out there. But I digress. Refaeli reveals further:

"I'm looking for someone serious. Who I can set up home with. Someone who comes from a warm loving family. Like mine. Who has values like mine."

Now, having taken in all of Bar's babble above, I'm prepared to make my pitch. We have so much in common, my bountiful Bar-berella:

- I like going out. As long as a Bar's involved. You gots that covered.

- I like being at home. After the bars are closed. It beats the sidewalk.

- I like good eats. I see a cab ride to Go Chicken Go in our future.

- I like movies. Especially about gladiators. Or gangsters. Or Indian fracases.

- Am I cool? Who the hell ya think you're talking to over here?

-I  look, well, like only I can look.

- And last, though not least, I exude an air of seriousness, which I chalk up to a frighteningly functional family that had lots of values, of one sort or another.

So I hereby give you my application. See if ya get any better ones, there, Bar babe. Fat chance on that.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Cable Die: "Man Charged With Fatally Stabbing Wife During Argument Over Cable Bill"! Shouldn't That Be the Other Way Around?

I can see where this would go down in the reverse:  The old man orders a bunch of pay-per-view porn, jacks up the monthly bill, and the old lady whacks him out in a fit of rage. Especially in this economy.

But I'm strug-gull-ing like Joe Namath over here to understand what the old lady did to get hubby so upset with the bill? (No insight imparted from the linked story). Doubt it was porn, since broads ain't usually too much into that.

Maybe she'd upset him if she deleted a bunch of the old man's DVR'd porn, but that wouldn't increase the amount of the monthly bill. So I'm at a bit of a loss. But if I must put my money anywhere, it's on Juan Pablo, "Real Housewives" and/or Oprah TV having some sort of nefarious connection.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Freaking Amish: 23-Year-Old Reality TV Star Kate Stoltz Drops Her Bonnet & Suspenders to Pursue Modeling Career, Much to Chagrin of Her Old Man the Bishop!

Stoltz starred on TLC's "Breaking Amish," which featured a bunch of young Amish and Mennonite ingrates lookin' for a little "taste of the modern life" in the Big Apple. Just enough to wet their beak. Except for Stoltz, apparently, who's now leaving behind her smock and embarking on a career as a lingerie model.

And if this is the kind of broads they're growing out there in them Pennsylvania farm fields (maybe Cinemax's "Banshee" ain't so preposterous after all?), perhaps this guy needs to grow a beard, hitch up some oxen, and head Lancaster County way just as fast as my team'll take me!

I can do this. Sure, certain lifestyle adaptations will be necessary, but I've already got that all worked out over here, see:

- Said Beard:  My understanding is they don't make you grow a big itchy beard until you marry one of them broads. So I could forestall that one until I meet my own Kate Stoltz.

- No cars:  Yeah I like to drive real freakin' fast, but why can't I get up a big head of steam just as well in a traditional horse 'n buggy?  I just hope they allow buggy whips.

- Lebanon Levi:  I ain't no deadbeat, and I don't mind paying my "Amish Aid" tribute to the local Amish Mafia boss. Besides, I don't want that little midget Amish enforcer dude (Wayne) on my ass any more than the next Amish guy does.

- Hard field work:  I gots this trick knee thing. I'll get a doctor's note.

- Folksy Farmer Duds and Big Hats:  Kinda like Uncle Jed Clampett and Abe Lincoln.  Giddy-up!

- No electricity:  If they can pull it off on "The Walking Dead" and "Revolution," then I can too. Do they permit flashlights?

- No Internet:  Former Missouri and USC Head Football Coach Larry Smith once famously declared, "I don't have an Internet." I think I can live the same way. I'll just have to distribute my blog locally and print it on toilet paper or something (TP being an apt medium for the afore-referenced material).

- No The Facebook Nor The Twitter:  Amish lifestyle, you had me at hello!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

"Thanks Taxpayers! Globetrotting Michelle Obama Announces Luxurious Vacation to China." But Quit Yer Belly Achin', Already, Right-Wingers!

Says the right-winger website Daily Caller:  "Fresh off the first family's sixth annual winter vacation to the Hawaiian island of Oahu -- billed to American taxpayers at a cost of $4 million -- Michelle Obama and the first daughters will now jet off to China for over a week of much-needed sightseeing . . . [Michelle's] mother, Marian Robinson, will be tagging along on the federal dime."

But methinks the right-wingers need to chill their deranged asses out.  They could use to take some wisdom away from the old-school rants of Mickey Goldmill from the old "Rocky" pictures...

Mickey's perhaps most famous for his 3-word proclamation that "Women-Weaken-Legs."  But it's a more obscure 3-word saying of Mick's that the right-wingers should now heed:  

Monday, March 3, 2014

"Obama the Executioner": What a Rather Rude Description!

No, that statement didn't come from some gop-er or other deranged right-winger.  Nor did it come from an Independent.  Instead that's the description contained in a new book by leftist 20 percenter "crusader" Ralph Nader when it comes to Obama's embrace of neo-con principles of military incursions, fostering regime change, etc. (link below).

Now that we've established that Nader is an obvious racist (much like all those black pastors who want to impeach Eric Holder), let's move on to Nader's status as the classic broken watch who's right twice a day.  From Nader's new book, to wit:

"Inspired by the military actions of the Clinton administration, the Obama and Bush terms made a seamless transition into a militarized foreign policy, extending even further the illegal reach of wars of choice, invasions, incursions, and drone attacks, carried out irrespective of national sovereignties."

Nicely put on the substance, but also the part lumping together Obama, Bush and Clinton as a bunch of sleazebuckets who never met a foreign fight (to be fought with other people's kids) that they didn't like...

I wish we could just resolve right now: No airports; no stadiums; no streets; no libraries; no nothing to ever be named after those three individuals. After all, would you name a new facility in your town after a sewer rat?