Friday, March 30, 2012

"Tiger Woods' Former Flings to Release Porn Film About Alleged Sexploits": Sounds to Me Like a Flick in Need of a Real Title...

...since the current title is so BORING: "3 Mistresses: Notorious Tales of the World's Greatest Golfer." What the hell is that? These three "Flings" (the above-pictured Devon James, Holly Sampson and Joslyn James) obviously have no concept of the first rule of porn, i.e. never bore them with the title.

So I'm gonna do them a favor and give 'em more than a dozen suggestions on far more appropriate titles for this particular porn piece of work. In (no particular) alphabetical order (and these babes can thank me later):

1. Back Door Ball Holed

2. Don't Pull Out the 5-Wood

3. Get the Yips Between My Hips

4. Give Me the Ol' Goose Neck in the Gallery

5. He Didn't See the Frontside All Night

6. He Gave Me a Lay Up on the Leaderboard

7. Fore!(Skin) Fairway Frolic

8. Matchplay with the Golf Ball Molls

9. Mired Down in the Muff

10. Par 3 Birdie Broads

11. Pump Me Fulligan Your Mulligan

12. Put the Ball in the 36DD Cup!

13. Sandtrap Slut Scramble

14. Twelve Strokes to Tee Off

15. That's Not a Divot Down There!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

They LITERALLY Put Him Through the Meat Grinder: Serbian Slugs Allegedly Murder Rival Gang Leader and Then Cook Him Up in a Big Stew for Lunch...

These are some sick slimeballs (allegedly). Please remind to stay the hell out of Serbia going forward, and I guess Spain for that matter. Cops in Madrid say a couple of deranged dirtbags (above-right pictured Luka Bojovic and and above-left pictured Sretko "The Butcher" Kalinic -- not sure why they call him that) trapped a rival gangster and went all medieval on this ass -- and then some.

First the two swinewads allegedly tortured 37-year-old Milan Jurisic (pictured below) within an inch of his life before taking a big hammer and finishing the job by hammering Jurisic to death. But that was just for starters...

Cops say these two crazed creepjobs next did their best impersonation of Ixion from "the Pits" in Spartcus, hacking off Jurisic's face to "make a macabre face mask from his skin." By this time, apparently, these two depraved scumbuckets had worked up quite the appetite, which tends to happen after a morning's worth of good, hard torturing.

And why order out for lunch when they had a big piece of meat right there in front of them? Cops say they whipped out a big sharp knife, "skinned and boned" Jurisic, and "then put him through a meat grinder" right there in their makeshift apartment torture chamber.

But since the consumption of raw meat may increase one's risk of food borne illness, these two crazy crumbs naturally cooked Jurisic's flesh, "turned him into a stew," and "ate him for lunch" (allegedly). Then they allegedly went down to the local river and tossed Jurisic's bones in the water.

Now "The Butcher" has been arrested and has reportedly confessed to the crime, although apparently Luka Brasi is still on the loose. Here's hoping Luka ultimately sleeps with the fishes out in that same river.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Right-Wingers Rejoice and Leftists Mourn ObamaCare After a Day of Tough Questions From Supreme Court Justices. But Here's Why I'd Do Neither...

It's been highly amusing over the past day watching the gop-ers wanting to throw parades -- and leftist 20 percenters in an absolute state of dejection -- after some tough questions posed to government lawyers on Wednesday by the Supreme Court's right-winger Justices (link at bottom). The question at issue: Is Obama & the leftists' monstrosity of a health care bill constitutional (and in particular, the "individual mandate"). But both the right-winger celebrations and the leftist funeral wakes should wait. More on that in a minute...

But first, I'm on record a 1000 times in this blog: I hate the leftist health care bill and the slimy way it was rammed down our throats and against the will of the American people. Never before in American history has such a sweeping piece of controversial, unpopular, ultra-partisan legislation been enacted on nearly straight party-line votes, and certainly not by use of procedural gimmicks such as "reconciliation" (note to Karl Marx from Facebook: I didn't say "nuclear option," as if that really matters). But all that aside...

When it comes to gauging the Court's likely ruling, the questioning from the right-winger Justices must be taken with a huge grain of salt. I like to think I have a tiny degree of experience in this area, and I'm here to tell ya: Never (Ever) read too much into the questions asked by appeals court judges (even from the USSC) during oral arguments, and never rely on such questions as any kind of reliably strong indicator (one way or the other) of how they will rule.

The job of appeals court judges is to play devil's advocate in oral arguments. Oftentimes, attorneys watching oral argument have no real clue whatsoever if the questions are indicative of the way the judge already thinks he/she will rule, versus the judges wanting to hear the arguing attorneys' responses to the best points raised in the other side's Brief (more often, it's the latter).

Put another way, very often the tone and direction of questions will heavily lean one way, only for a completely (and seemingly) contrary written ruling to ultimately be issued. That's happened a million times in American jurisprudence. Not to rain on the right-wingers' parade or anything. But rain, rain.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

"Miss Universe Disqualifies Transgender Contestant" Jenna Talackova: The Likely Reactions of the Right-Wingers & Leftists Differ in Complexity...

Deranged Right-Winger Reaction: "God Damn Right!"

versus (NOT that there's much demented difference):

Loony Leftist 20 Percenter Reaction: We need a short flowchart of sorts...

1. Is the transgender contestant in favor of gay marriage?
  • IF SO, let 'em (her/him) compete! No further questions.
  • IF NOT, move on to Question 2.
2. Is the transgender contestant a member of the democrat party?
  • IF SO, let 'em (her/him) compete! No further questions.
  • IF NOT, move on to Part 3.
3. If the answers to both Questions 1 and 2 are NO, then:
  • Give 'em (her/him) the full Carrie Prejean treatment.
  • And don't forget to break out the boycotts!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Thought He'd Make Him an Offer He Can't Refuse? Canadian Man Allegedly Hacks Off Horse's Head & Puts It in a Guy's Truck as a "Prank"!

Talk about perhaps watching an old movie classic one too many times. Cops in Canada say 28-year-old Darrell Mowat (pictured above) last week went full-out Don Vito Corleone from The Godfather. But let's not put the cart before the horse...

In the film, Brando's mob boss Corleone character sends consigliere Tom Hagen to try to convince pedophile movie producer Jack Woltz to cast Corleone's Godson, Johnny Fontane, in one of Woltz's upcoming pictures. After calling Hagen a "Kraut Mick" and refusing The Don's request, Woltz wakes up the next morning to find the head of his prized racehorse Khartoum in Woltz's bed. The Don had just made Woltz an offer he couldn't refuse, and Fontane got the part in the picture.

Now, almost 70 years later, life imitates art up Canada way, as this buckaroo Mowat allegedly hoofed it down to a farm near Niagara Falls and chopped off a horse's head faster than one could say, "Tell your boss that I ain't no band leader."

And this buck-bashing broncobuster Mowat allegedly couldn't hold his horses after his little horse homicide, as he was apparently champing at the ol' bit to get that damn horse's head into town! Spurred on by some unknown motivation, this unhinged horseman allegedly drove the head to an acquaintance's home there in town.

At the home, this suspected mustang murderin' Mowat allegedly felt like feeling his wild oats even farther, as cops say he deposited the horse head in the bed of the acquaintance's pickup truck right out there in the driveway!

But unlike the old movie, cops say they don't think Mowat meant the gelding gesture as a Don Vito-like threat, but instead they think it was probably just a "prank." That's since, after all, nothing says practical joke quite like axing off a domesticated animal's melon and tossing it in a man's ride!

Now Mowat may have to exchange his horse corral for the Bullpen, since he's facing a whole herd of criminal charges that include breaking, entering and animal cruelty. And if he was looking for this alleged stunt to help him land his own part in a picture, I think he hacked the wrong horse.

Friday, March 23, 2012

"They Made Me a Carry a Nuclear Bomb!"
For Some Reason Cops Disbelieve Drunk Man's Excuse for Allegedly Sloshing Around Buck Naked in Public...

Cops found his "excuse was a dud," reports the Huffington Post, but frankly I don't see why. Maybe some Islamic extremists got a hold of him? The Symbionese Liberation Army? The Ayres' Weather Underground (still love their old tune, "Same Song," btw). The Khmer Rouge?

Point being, there are certainly no shortage of radical slimeball groups worldwide who could have tried to slap the ol' duress on the ass of 41-year-old William Bliss (pictured above) to entice him into lumbering around buck naked and drunk with a nuclear bomb in tow. Why aren't the Iowa City cops checkin' out every possible angle over there?

Regardless, here are the facts as we know them: Ignorance Is Bliss claims that he was just minding his own simpleminded business earlier this week when "four unknown assailants" (not merely 1 or 2, mind you, but four of 'em) "forced him to carry a nuclear bomb" around town.

Apparently the four unknown scumbuckets (just for good measure) also (1) made Bliss strip down leafless and (2) cajoled him into getting all liquored up before sending him out on this atomic piece of work. That's since cops were called out around 3:30 a.m. by reports of a stark-naked drunkard "stumbling around" near his apartment.

But when cops astonishingly weren't buying his "wild nuke claim," Bliss reportedly tried to scurry off and get lost in the hills like an Ayers' news account. Cops say they were forced to chase down Bliss' (allegedly) plastered buff ass, with one of Iowa City's Finest even getting injured in the pursuit.

Once cuffed and stuffed, Bliss the "nude nuker" reportedly admitted to downing a slew of beers and bunch of vodka all day long, although no word whether or not the four unknown assailants are suspected of (and therefore being pursued for) forcing Bliss to engage in such destructive behavior (allegedly).

Now Bliss may have to take both da bomb & his bombed out act down to the local hoosegow, since cops have activated a gaggle of criminal charges under this blitzed bomber's bare-skin. "Cops didn't find a nuclear bomb," chirps the Post, although I would note that the investigation is ongoing.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Strike a (Hypocrite) Pose! Instead of Protesting the White House, Madonna Travels to Russia to Protest PUTIN's Support of Anti-Gay Rights Law!

(Link to full story at bottom). It's very simple: If you're an American who supports gays being allowed to legally marry just like heterosexuals, then your first place of protest should be the White House, since it's currently inhabited by an individual named Barack, who -- as a very inconvenient truth -- is very clearly on record as opposing gay marriage.

But of course, in the loony world of American leftist 20 percenters, it's perfectly OK to go against any tenet of the typical leftist agenda so long as the person doing it is a leftist himself (e.g., being anti-gay marriage, supporting regime-changing military involvements abroad, executing enemy figures (Bin Laden) without a trial, etc., etc.). But otherwise, if you're not one of them and you advocate one of those things, then Katy Bar the Damn Door!!! Time to hit the streets to protest, baby!!!

As a result, on gay issues, we get a steady stream of the leftist 20 percenters raising all holy hell about such people as beauty pageant contestants (Carrie Prejean), has-been TV actors (Kirk Cameron), and now Russian political slimeballs (Vladimir Putin) when they oppose gay marriage or other gay rights positions. But Obama? He gets a pass. Because he's one of them.

I don't know about you, but I couldn't go through life being an absolute hypocrite all the time. It's an intellectually empty, hollow, dishonest and disingenuous way of being. I often wonder how they (and the right-wingers for that matter) do it. But if I knew the answer to that, I guess I'd have to be one of them. Think I'll pass.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Guess She's Never Heard, "If You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go": Teacher Allegedly Forces Girl to Use a Makeshift Piss Pot in Class Instead of the Bathroom!

What is it with these teachers and their damn buckets! First we had a teacher a few days back allegedly dousing some affectionate students with a bucket of water, and now we have another teacher allegedly making a girl squat down and piss in an old bucket instead of letting her leave to use the restroom! Good Grief.

But you know how it is: No bathroom breaks in class. Themz the Rulz. No matter how bad you gots to go. Leastways not in Ms. Wolf's art class (allegedly). But if you really must go, never fear, because Ms. Wolf keeps a piss pot over in the corner for ya -- just like in the 19th Century or in the fictional TV series "Deadwood" (allegedly)!...

Everything reportedly got pissy at San Diego's Southland High School last week after a 14-year-old female student told art teacher Gonja Wolf (pictured above) that she (the girl) REALLY needed to take a piss.

But the student says Ms. Wolf was havin' none 'a that! Teach allegedly refused the girl's request to use the shithouse. But ALAS: Teach did offer up an alternative (allegedly): A piss pot in the form of an old bucket in a side room adjacent to the classroom!

And this girl apparently wasn't joshin' about having to go, since she says she couldn't hold it any longer and was forced to avail herself of said piss pot as Teach had instructed.

Now, for some strange reason, Teach has been put on administrative leave while the school looks into the girl's allegations. And if there is an old raunchy piss pot bucket in that side room, methinks ol' Teach gots some 'splaining to do (whether or not the girl's story is even true).

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Can Finally Take My Shithouse Off 24-7 Lockdown: Denver Cops Say They've Nabbed the Notorious "Crapper Scrapper" Toilet Burglar.
What a Load Off!

I've heard of pulling bank jobs and knocking over gas stations -- but this guy allegedly confined his heists to the head. And is there anything more scary? I can find a new bank. There are plenty of gas joints. But how I gonna function without a properly working shithouse?

And as such we come to the greatest American heroes of this week: Denver's Finest. They say they've flushed 48-year-old plumber Allen Citron (pictured above) for a string of up to 18 or more crapper burglaries that have garnered the moniker "Crapper Scrapper" for this alleged toilet toolin' freak.

I mean, this character apparently never met a shitter he didn't like. Cops say his stinky crime spree "left public toilets across Denver stripped of valuable parts worth more than $6,000." This privy pilferer even allegedly hit the washroom down at a local hospital just so that he could pick off some pipes and valves and hawk the score at the nearest scrap metal dealer.

And cops say that what really stinks to high Heaven about these capers is that Citron would only get peanuts for the spare sudatorium parts, while it would cost the burgled joints thousands of dollars to repair the rifled water closets.

But now Citron may have to pull his next powder room piece of work in the community con crappers down in the can, since he now faces 18 burglary and theft charges stemming from his alleged shitter spree. He did chose wisely, however, in not bumping over any shithouses down Alabama and Mississippi way -- where owl jobbin' an outhouse might garner a man the death penalty.

Monday, March 19, 2012

"It Seemed to Work": Teacher Tries to Cool Off 2 Students Who Were "Kissing and Hugging" in the Hall by Splashing The Pair with a Big Bucket of Water!

This'll teach 'em not to try stealing a smoocheroo down outside the Home Ec room!!! And ol' Teach apparently couldn't be more proud of himself for this piece of work...

The whole agua incident (links at bottom) went down after Teach (an unnamed male teacher at a Nashville, Tennessee's John Overton High School) spied a 16-year-old and 17-year-old hugging and (allegedly) smoochin' out in a school hallway. That's against school rules, you know.

Of course, Teach could've always told the touchin' twosome to stop. Or to go their separate ways (worlds apart). Or even to make a beeline to the principal's office. But why take any of those rather mundane, cliched courses of action when you can make a much bigger splash through alternative correctional methods?

So Teach reportedly grabbed the nearest big bucket of water (which always seem to be lying around high school hallways) and tossed its contents right on the kissin' school kids as they stood there in each other's embrace. (No word whether Teach might have shouted, "Now You're All Wet!", after delivering the dousing).

Having gotten the touchy tandem more wet than a shithouse built out on a Mississippi jetty, Teach still seemed none too remorseful in commenting on the incident after the fact on Facebook (since, of course, if you're in trouble with an employer or the law, Facebook is always the first place you should head to talk about it). Said Teach:

"I got in trouble at school today. I threw a bucket of water on two kids hugging in the hallway of the high school where I plan to send my oldest daughter next year. It seemed to work and they stopped."

Mission Accomplished, indeed. Except in the eyes of the school (Teach's been suspended). And except in the eyes of the two teens and their parents (who are all reportedly enraged).

One parent, doing her best Elephant Man impersonation, said Teach had no business treating Sonny and his teen broad like a domesticated pet: "They are not dogs. That is what you do to dogs, and they are not animals!"

Mama also says Sonny is positively "raging" over the incident. I just hope the boy ain't trying to bottle all that up inside. Head to Facebook, young man! Let 'em all know whatcha think, just like ol' Teach did! (I need my next blog topic, after all.)

Friday, March 16, 2012

Obama Reelect 2012's New Strategy: Scare People By Talking About Now Irrelevant gop-ers -- Even If They're Long Dead!

I get the whole leftist 20 percenter world view thing that most people are stupid and should be treated as such. But are most people really THIS stupid? That's my reaction to the past week, when (1) an Obama ad has tried to scare people with the past statements of the now largely irrelevant right-winger buffoon Sarah Palin (is this 2008?) and (2) Obama even took time to blast one Rutherford B. Hayes -- a gop-er president in the late 1870s! (Links at bottom).

Given this apparent new strategy, I'm gonna give my best predictions on where Obama and the leftist 20 percenters are going to go next with this line of lunacy. I can see, for example, upcoming campaign ads and presidential talking points along the following lines with respect to some very scary and highly relevant deranged right-wingers in 2012:

-Herman Cain: This guy is dead and buried as a viable candidate for just about any office in the future, but let's not let that stop us. Ad could say, "Vote republican -- and vote for a man like this who couldn't tell a Libya from his latest broad of the month."

-Clint Eastwood: "This known right-winger and gop-er sympathizer once appeared in a movie in which he made light of birth control by referring to a man by the name, 'prophylactic' -- now his party wants to ban your birth control."

-Pat Buchanan: The hook here is that he was once an also-ran presidential candidate. Ad could say, "republicans say you should fire President Obama, but just last month MSNBC had to fire this controversial former republican presidential candidate -- ask yourself, would MSNBC EVER fire Barack Obama?"

-Dan Quayle: Let's trot out his old potato misspelling and the dressing down that Lloyd Bentsen gave him in the 1988 vice presidential debate. Ad could say, "Look at this Fool -- this is the sort of choice that republicans offer you for the White House -- Tell them no."

-William F. Buckley Jr. (died 2008): Ad could say, "Before republicans ever even tried to put President Obama in their crosshairs, they had this radical right-winger out there putting democrats on the Firing Line -- Say yes to civility; say no to the republicans."

-Barry Goldwater (1964 gop-er presidential candidate; died 1998): "His great, great, great grandson says that 'Mr. Conservative' would today endorse Mitt Romney -- vote against Barry Goldwater; reelect Barack Obama."

-Chester A. Arthur (gop-er president in the 1880s; died 1886): "One of the most procrastinating and fattest fat-cat presidents in American history -- now his modern day gop-er fatty twin, Chris Christie, endorses Mitt Romney -- tell the right-wingers to lose some weight; vote to reelect President Obama."

Thursday, March 15, 2012

They Picked the Wrong Year to Start Coaching Kids' Basketball: Coaches Take Beatdown, Lose an Ear, Out on the Damn Hardwood!

Coachin' them kids: A thankless job in so many ways -- especially when parents and opposing coaches beat the living hell out of ya or try to gnaw your ear off just for doing your job.

And so it is that we have two crazy stories this week from the world of teenage basketball coaching, where (1) a Massachusetts coach allegedly got his ear bit off by an opposing coach for having the gall of winning and (2) a coach in Indiana allegedly got his face beaten to a pulp by one player's old man after coach made the player run some laps (links at bottom). Let the cage carnage begin...

1. Doling Out More Than Just an Earful After the Big Loss

It was the 6th Grade CYO League's "championship game," damn it! And some coaches just don't like it any too much when the opposing team has the nerve of such crass behavior as, for example, winning the big game.

So 34-year-old Timothy Lee Forbes of Springfield, Massachusetts (pictured immediately below) reacted just as one might expect after losing the league championship game -- "he attacked the winning team's coach and bit off his ear" (allegedly)! Yep, it was an ear, all right.

Cops say this apparent Blue Velvet, Mike Tyson-wannabe Forbes scurried the hell out of Dodge before they could arrive, although he now stands charged with "assault and battery and mayhem." Meantime the other coach must not feel like much of a winner right about now, but at least he was able to get that ear reattached. No harm, no foul?

2. Hows About I Run a Lap All Over Your Damn Face?!?

Do not try to coach this man's daughter. You can think about it. But D-O-N'-T DO IT! Lest you wish to have the old man pound your face into a mud hole (allegedly)...

Michigan City, Indiana elementary school basketball coach Jeffrey Yackus reportedly just wanted to teach one of his girl players that it ain't OK to fight in practice. So Yackus made the little alleged female brawler run some laps after the incident. Wrong move.

Cops say that once the girl's old man (the below-pictured Shelly S. Miller) got wind of those extra wind sprints, he flew into a rage and raced right down to that school to teach the ol' Coacher a lesson!

First, this pugilist papa allegedly clocked Coach one right in the kisser, knocking Yackus to the floor. But since Miller apparently felt that knocking out Coach hardly made up for all those laps his little girl had to run, Miller then allegedly leaped on top of the helpless coach and savagely beat him in the face (just for good measure) until another coach intervened.

But now this fightin' father may have to look for his next bout down at the local hoosegow, since he faces a felony battery charge. But I betcha for darn sure that no man will ever, EVER make his girl run another lap around the gym again.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Oops: Young Punks Nearly Burn Down Historic Medieval Castle While Trying "to Smoke Their First Cigarette" (Allegedly)!

It's the Krasna Horka castle in Slovakia, and the historic 14th Century compound has long been home to numerous "priceless antiques and works of art." So naturally, it's the first place a couple of little shits would think of when trying to find a joint in which to light up their first smoke, right? Or not. (Please do the world a favor, cops, and keep these punks away from the Eiffel Tower and the Great Pyramid next time)...

Slovak cops say these two butt-loving brats (only 11 and 12 years old) sneaked onto the castle grounds in order to perform a little "experiment with smoking." But those efforts went up in smoke, cops say, when the tokin' twosome carelessly disposed of their matches, which "sparked" quite the raging, flaming scene faster than an office smoke break.

Cops say the smoke and fire tore through the old castle in minutes, ultimately "gutting" the structure despite the best efforts of more than 80 firefighters. On the bright side, a majority of the castle's art work was able to be evacuated and saved by frantic caretakers.

And in case you think these two smokin' striplings will have to suck down their next cancer stick inside the local hoosegow or Juvy, think again: The linked article says that "children under 15 cannot be prosecuted in Slovakia" [for anything???]. Talk about mixed smoke signals to the little tikes. Might as well roll another smoke and fire up them coffin nails, boys! Ain't nothing stoppin' ya.

[Postscript: Kids -- Never smoke cigarettes or chew tobacco.]