Wednesday, November 30, 2011

"You're Old Enough to Kill, But Not For Votin' ": Idiot gop-er Presidential Candidate Rick Perry Doesn't Even Know the U.S. Voting Age!

Someone should stick this deranged right-winger republic partisan in an H.G. Wells time machine and transport his sorry ass back to 1968 AD, since I think he'd fit right in with those times as a part of the Nixon team. (The individual we currently have as president and his very Nixonian administration would fit in well there too, but that's a topic for another day...)

In particular, the news this mid-week has Rick Perry flubbing the U.S. voting age (not to mention the 2012 AD election date), as he told an audience of Gen Y punks that "he'd appreciate their vote if they were turning 21 by November 12." Must've woken up on the wrong side of the Texas shithouse, this Perry.

His Joe Biden/Herman Cain-style gaffe conjures up images of Barry McGuire's rather pedestrian '60s AD protest tune, "Eve of Destruction" (video at bottom), and its famous line about kids then being "old enough to kill but not for votin'."

The line referred to the patently absurd state of the law in the mid-to-late '60s AD, when an 18, 19 or 20-year-old could be drafted (or enlist) to "go and kill the yellow man" (Springsteen) in Vietnam while not being permitted to vote until the age of 21.

The 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution changed all that in 1971 AD by bestowing 18-year-olds with a constitutional right to vote. To this day, however, 18-year-olds in most or all states are still old enough to go kill in some foreign hellhole but are forbade by law from drinking so much as a damn Keystone Ice. The mindlessness of such a complete legal contradiction nearly rivals the ridiculousness of the pre-1971 AD voting age.

But of course, all of these various facts are completely lost on the goofy Texas governor Perry. He truly is little more than smart enough to talk, but not for completin' (coherent sentences). And that's only when he can remember what he believes in. Which is no guarantee or small potatoes for this fool.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Love in a Mausoleum? I'd Prefer an Elevator, and What Gives with Hitting a Graveyard For a Weekend-Long Date?!?

I guess the funeral parlor was all booked up that weekend. Because why else would Ryan Gosling take his "Hollywood lovebird" Eva Mendes to "spend a romantic weekend in a graveyard"?!? It was the world-famous Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris (reportedly the final resting spot for the likes of such people as rocker Jim Morrison as well as Oscar Wilde), but does that really make any difference? It's still a damn graveyard.

And unless you're conducting full-blown genealogical research, what the hell do you do all weekend in a graveyard, anyway? "Oh look, dear -- what a truly lovely sarcophagus, and just get a load of the finish on that quaint little crypt over there!" I mean, even that sort of foolishness is going to kill, what? 15-20 minutes tops?

I guess one thing that might take a little longer than that (maybe) would be a little boot hill booty. A little graveyard love. Cemetery sex, baby! But while I've heard of such a thing going down in the dead of night on top of a grave or a nice long cool marble stone, never before had I heard of (or even contemplated) doin' it inside a mausoleum in broad daylight!

It's not known whether Gosling and Mendes went quite that far, but one thing is clear: They did at one point "duck into a family vault for some couple time," reportedly (picture above). I guess in addition to the funeral parlor, the Ritz had no vacancies either.

And besides, what's a few creepy vaults and a dingy old burial chamber between a couple of lovers, right? Personally, I'd just want a decent shithouse in there so that I could freshen up after the deed. Do they have such facilities inside mausoleums? Always kinda wondered about that. What about a kitchenette? If so, you got me at hello. And you don't even have to look like Eva.

Monday, November 28, 2011

At Occupy Wall Street, We've Seen: Filth; Crime; Disease; Loons; Kooks; Bums; Violence; & Anti-Semitism. But Now the Topper : "Gay Porn Video Shoot"!

Just when one might have thought he'd seen it all when it comes the leftist 20 percenter gatherings referred to by some as "occupy protests," the news comes down over the Thanksgiving weekend that the Oakland version of the encampments has added a new filthy feather to the stinky carcass that has come the symbolize modern left-wing America and the democrat party that it props up: A tent devoted to filming gay porn!

And we ain't talking some rather beautiful lesbian porn over here. No Sir-eee. This be the male-on-male hardcore variety, produced by an outfit called "Dirty Boy Video." Working title for the first film? Occupy My Throat, reportedly. And just get a load (no pun intended) of the film's tagline: "Police can ban the erection of tents at Occupy Wall Street, but they can't keep us from pitching a tent in our pants."

Now that the first title, Occupy My Throat, is apparently in the can, and given the propensity of the porn industry for always producing myriad sequels and take-offs of every single lame-ass porn idea and title, I've little doubt that Occupy My Throat is only the beginning. I'm just wondering how long it's gonna take for Dirty Boy Video to produce some of these titles down in a tent in the middle of the whackos:

-Anarchy in the Tube Steak

-Book Me Good with Your Billy Club, Officer

-Give that Banker the Wanker!

-Hobo With a Lovegun

-I'm So Hungry I Could Eat a Sandusky Summer Sausage

-Kookie Lefty, Lend Me Your Condom

-Liberal Hop on Top

-Long Dong Leftist

-Meat & Greet at the Pipefitters Local

-MoveOn Over Here Man & Wave Your Magic Wand

No Riches, No Britches, No Bitches

-Protest My Power Drill

-Ron Jeremy Shows Michael Moore Who's Fat

-Rude Rod Rammin' on the Rubbish Pile

-Skin Flute Solidarity

-Socialist Schlong Song

-Tent Totin' Tallywhacker

-Tentside Tussle with Russell the Love Muscle

-There's Something Happening Here In My Ass

-We Got the Shaft Down on Ball Street

-Wee Wee Are the 99%

-Zuccotti Pork Sword

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Pulling Out of Congress But Pushing Into Porn? Disgraced Politician Anthony's Weiner Spotted with Cheesy Porn Mustache in the Big Apple This Weekend

We wondered about this. Earlier this year, when democrat party U.S. congressman Anthony's Weiner was getting shredded through the meat grinder for tweeting out pictures of his package to young ladies not his wife, it was widely surmised that Weiner might stick it out in Congress since, frankly, he's really not qualified to do much of anything else.

It was even speculated in this space that Anthony's Weiner might have to shrink to the level of embarking upon a porn career -- perhaps with sexy wife and Hillary Clinton gofer Huma's Weiner in tow -- just for his meat to make ends meet. This stiff suggestion was largely in jest at the time, but maybe I should have taken it more seriously, since Anthony's Weiner is really starting to look the part:

As pictured at the top, the disgraced former leftist congressional hothead was spotted strutting around lower Manhattan on Black Friday sporting a bona fide cheesy porn 'stache "reminiscent of the one made infamous by adult-film legend John 'Johnny Wadd' Holmes [pictured below] in the XXX-rated 1970s." (Link to full New York Post story at bottom).

And before I need to hear any democrat party spin that Anthony's Weiner probably just resolved not to shave over the holiday weekend, Weiner's new "Johnny Wadd" private dick persona is particularly startling since the photos from his Twitter scandal "revealed that he's not a fan of hair anywhere on his body."

So given that dude apparently loves his razor even more than a Nancy Pelosi earmark, why in the hell would Anthony's Weiner be tooling 'round town looking like John Holmes' ghost if he wasn't about to insert Anthony's Weiner into the porn realm?

I just hope it's the straight game that Weiner has his one eye on, and that he's not looking to head down to the "occupy wall street" protests to get in on some of the gay porn that's reportedly been going down (in more ways than one) in one of the tents. (Yep, sad but true -- but that's tomorrow's post.) Please Weiner: If that tent be a rockin'...

Saturday, November 26, 2011

"Obama: Let's Overcome Partisan Gridlock." Meantime, Count Dracula: "Let's Rise Above Indiscriminate Blood-Sucking"...

Far from its moniker of "Black Friday," yesterday was more like Gray Friday, with cloudy skies, a cold wind, and an overall gloomy disposition. And for that reason, I'd like to thank the individual we currently have as president for at least making me break out in laughter when I saw that the theme of his so-called Thanksgiving address was "Let's Overcome Partisan Gridlock."

I'm just surprised he didn't toss in, for good measure, a gratuitous, "Let's Grow Beyond Being Radical Partisan Ideologues," while he was at it. And then maybe, as well, "Let's Get Past Politics and Campaigns Dictating Every Single Action We Take." Shit, he would have been on a damn roll at that point! But alas, my prior invitations to this white house to add me as a consultant to their speech writing team have yet to garner even a polite declination. Their loss.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Just Think: When Her 51-Year-Old Hubby is 75, His 17-Year-Old Bride's Face May Look Something Like ... 110!!!

And then they'll be asking his sorry old hide, "Why'd you ever marry that old prune?" It's the highly controversial couple up close and personal: 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchinson and his 17-year-old teen bride, Courtney Stodden. 17, uh? More like 17 going on 40, and I ain't even talking about her big (alleged) fake rack!

The current set of pics comes from the alleged 17-year-old "stepping out" this week in a "tight white top which showed off her large chest" as she joined her old man (literally) "to take sacks of clothing to a donation center." [Kudos to the cool charity work, all kidding aside.]

But it wasn't all just charitable business over there, as the young Courtney was observed to make damn sure she "ensured she flashed her famous chest in the tiny white boob tube." And since this gal ain't even technically of age (allegedly), I gots no comment on the merits of any of that.

However, the main issue I spotted here was that face. Sure, looks great, very pretty. But if Courtney's truly only 17, what gives with the New Jersey Sopranos, late-30's trying to look like she's still young, gun moll look? Last time I saw a face like that, Silvio Dante was trying to whack it out in the Rancocas Woods off the Turnpike. And now we don't talk about Adriana no more. Jeezal peezal.

And just think what that alleged teenage mush is gonna look like when she's really 35 or 40? Or, dare I ask, 50 even? She may at that point make her old man look like a damn spring chicken who's still a fuzzy shade a' yella.

Tell me now: Who really got the short end of this alleged May-September romance? Only Courtney turning 60 (errr, 35) will bring an answer to that particularly sordid question, methinks.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

She Was as Cool as a F*cked Up Little Fonzie: "Drunk Motorist Poses for Mugshot with Two Thumps Up" After Allegedly Going Berzerk in Attack on Cops!

Maybe Samuel L. Jackson's hitman character from Pulp Fiction got to her or something and said "bitch chill, or else I'll whack ya out!" But regardless of what it was, something transformed this bombed broad from a wild-ass fuzz-buster into a cool little Fonzie wannabe inside of a very short period of time (allegedly). Maybe the cops just gave her another drink?

Anyway, it all started when 24-year-old Michelle Watson of Prescott, Arizona was allegedly driving her old heap down the road whilst plastered to the tune of three times the legal limit -- typically a recipe for unhappy endings. And sure enough, Watson allegedly started swerving all over road, driving up on sidewalks, and taking out or bouncing off "numerous curbs" as she sloshed her way merrily along.

And when the cops dared to pull her wasted ass over, the fun really got rolling! First, Watson allegedly started cursing up a storm, unleashing "an outburst of profane language": "I don't have to walk fucking nowhere," Watson allegedly blasted at the cops.

Watson next allegedly refused to take any form of sobriety test and proceeded to go apeshit on the cops, "shoving" one of them and kneeing a second one right in the crotch when he tried to slap the ol' cuffs on this blitzed babe -- as she all the while continued to let the expletives fly! Not cool.

When finally cuffed following the scuffle, Watson reportedly continued to cuss the cops and forced them to physically carry her to the police cruiser, which she then allegedly proceeded to kick the hell out of once she was deposited inside.

Miraculously, however, "her mood appears to have brightened" during the time it took cops to haul this liquored-up lush (allegedly) down to the local hoosegow for booking.

There, Watson was reportedly able to shake off the effects of her drunken haze (allegedly) long enough to "cheerfully pose for a mughsot with two thumbs up and a winning smile," as pictured above. You'd think she'd just scored a free case of Keystone Ice right there in the can!

No word whether Watson was still laughing and posing once cops next slapped her pickled, grinnin' kisser with charges of resisting arrest and aggravated assault on a cop, not to mention the seemingly novel charge of "super extreme DUI." Maybe it was that sad, funny charge, in particular, that met with so much exuberant approval from this youthful boozer (allegedly)? Two thumbs up-worth, apparently.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

New Studies: "Living in a City Makes You Fat, Infertile, Blind, Depressed & Even Causes Cancer." Well at Least I'm Cancer-Free, Baby!

Looks like I picked the wrong week to pitch a tent down at my local urban "occupy protest." Because according to a slew of new studies from America, Britain and Spain, I'd be well-advised to get the hell out of Cowtown and see if I can finagle one more road trip outta my '79 Dodge Ram and take up residence outside Hartsburg, Missouri, in the proverbial van down by the river.

According to the new studies, "urban living carries a significantly increased risk of chronic health disorders, such as [1] mental illness [well, yeah], [2] immune diseases [what are those, and does gout count?] , [3] arthritis [does that account for an incessant shaking of the hands?] , [4] heart disease [one too many White Castles] , [5] cancer [see above], and [6] fertility problems [how the hell would I know?]." So, if I can verifiably scratch two, maybe three, calamities from that checklist, can I just call load of bunk on these studies?

Plus, the terms "mental illness" runs a pretty wide gamut. What the hell precisely are they speaking of? Well, the British study first reports that men in cities have a higher "incidence of schizophrenia." On that front, let's see: Regular life. Internet character. Nope, no schizophrenia here. Oh, hello schizophrenia.

Regardless, the same study also points to a higher occurrence in city dwellers of such mental disorders as "panic attacks, extreme phobias and obsessive-compulsiveness." Here again for me, we're talking a truly mixed bag: I have no such attacks except when I become panicked, have no such phobias except when I'm forced to leave the first floor, and have no such obsessiveness except when a breast or ass foists itself into my daily dalliances.

All of those things are beyond my control, of course. And although the studies also reference increased eating disorders amongst urban acolytes, I'm like Tony Montana over here: I never overeat, even when I pig out.

Meantime the new studies blame many culprits, such as a more frantic pace of life, for the tougher toll taken by city life. One further culprit is described as "heaving High Street shops." And while I've no clue what that means, I have been known to heave behind a Westport Road "shop" or two. But never in daylight, and never that I can remember for sure.

Finally, the linked story actually twice poses the question of whether cities should now come equipped with health warning labels, like some sort of drug or dangerous piece of machinery. I say go for it: Tack up a warning sign on every corner, lamppost and building in town. That would be sure to create some new shovel-ready government jobs and also give the garbage men something to clean up in case the occupiers ever go away.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Campus Slut, Literally: High School Teacher Banned from Class After Allegedly "Running Porn Site From School Computer"!

"Hey Teach, can you come over and help me invert my fractions," little Timmy said during class to his female teacher. But Teach told him to hold his damn horses over there: "Give me a minute, already, Timmy -- I still gots ten more pics to upload to my slutty teacher porn site, then I'll help you. The Net's real slow today." Good Grief...

And even if that precise conversation never occurred, officials at Lincoln High School in Stockton, California say the pictured 35-year-old Teach -- Heidi Kaeslin -- did operate a whole slew of porn websites from her school computer, including the appropriately titled (Links to full story at bottom).

Apparently the pickings were a bit slim in terms of available porn models, however, since Ms. Kaeslin resorted to plastering her own slutty photos all over the website (allegedly), as shown above and below.

But now this alleged shapely slut's moonlighting has reportedly come to climatic end like so many porn money shots, as the school has banned the alleged slutpuppy from the classroom and placed her on leave while her alleged "porn ring" is fully investigated.

One student's reaction to the news was to say, "Ignorant people will do ignorant things," although it's not entirely clear if he was referring to Teach's actions or the school's rather rash action of barring the sexy slut (allegedly) from the premises.

Another male student said he had a chance to take a gander at, which he says set forth the following enticement on its main page to teenage punks everywhere: "Have you seen your teacher's breasts before? Well now you can see them!"

Meantime Teach's ultimate fate will be determined at the end of the school's ongoing investigation, which is reportedly focusing on whether she violated the school ethics code by running from her classroom (allegedly).

And since I doubt the ol' ethics code has a specific provision stating "You shall not create and operate a porn site from your classroom desk," maybe this alleged sonsy slut actually has a defense in the form of "You never said I couldn't"?!? Although frankly, I see that one getting about as much traction as did.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Even Dumber Than a D-1 Football Coach Busted for DWI: Driving Hammered While Wearing an "I'm a Drunk" T-Shirt!

I'd be hard-pressed to argue with anyone calling University of Eastern Missouri head football coach Gary Pinkel an idiot for his much-publicized DWI arrest this week (mugshot immediately above). The "remarkable" one makes millions of bucks a year. Call a damn cab or line up a freakin' limo already! But out of New York this week, an even more moronic creature...

Cops there say 22-year-old Kevin Daly (pictured at the top) drove drunk this week, and all he got was that dumbass T-shirt to show for it. This lunatic lush got his big night started by first allegedly bashing his ride into a cop car on a drunk driving patrol around two in the morning.

Of course, if one gets behind the wheel all pie-eyed, then there are certain things you look to avoid in order not to draw unwarranted attention to yourself out there on the highway. First, you should always do your best not to barrel your car into the side of an occupied police cruiser. That tends to garner the cops' attention more times than not.

And if your hammered hide must go demolition derby on your city's finest, then make sure not to couple that course of action with any outward signs that you may be sloshed. Such as: A loud T-shirt saying, "I'm Not an Alcoholic. I'm a Drunk. Alcoholics Go to Meetings."

If only this deranged drunkard Daley had consulted with me before hittin' the road that night. But as it stands, cops arrested Daley "wearing a shirt saying he's a drunk" after the blitzed boozer brought his blitzkrieg down on the cop car (allegedly).

Now this soaked strange brew may have to stitch up his next T-shirt in the con garment shop at the local hoosegow, as cops have busted his well-oiled ass on DWI charges and "multiple traffic summonses."

But, on the bright side, the only "meetings" he'll have to worry about there are the impromptu variety that go down from time to time in the community shower. "Thanks for sharing," they say at the end of those.

Friday, November 18, 2011

I Don't Call Them DERANGED Right-Wingers for Nothing! "Student gop Leader Sparks Outrage After Saying Obama Assassination Would Be 'Tempting.'"

Memo to morons everywhere (whether of the right-wing or left-wing variety): You don't ever, ever, ever post something on the Net that even so much as insinuates a suggestion of violence against the president, lest you wish to have the entire world (including a horde of Men in Black) all over your ass like the result of a Herman Cain dinner invitation (allegedly). Lesson learned (maybe) for this right-winger gop-er broad in Texas...

She's Lauren Pierce (pictured on right), and she's the so-called president of the "College [republic partisans]" of the University of Texas. (Sorry, but I refuse to use the full "r" or "d" party words on this blog -- they don't deserve the respect). And apparently Pierce's brain don't work so much better than that ugly UT mascot, Bevo the Longhorn. Because why else would any sane, intelligent person tweet this out? (as shown above):

"Y'all, as tempting as it may be, don't shoot Obama. We need him to go down in history as the WORST president we've EVER had! #2012."

First of all, "Y'all": It's impossible for Obama to go down as the "worst" president in history since Obama can do no worse than equally sharing that honor with Pierce and Texas' beloved George W. Bush. If I've said it once, I've said it 1,000 times in this space: The individual we currently have as president and his awful predecessor are the two (and equally) worst and most destructive presidents of my lifetime (and it ain't even close).

Worse yet, however, was Pierce's reportedly flippant reaction after she blasted out that tweet on Wednesday. First she told ABC News that the whole thing was just a big "joke." Right! Alluding to how "tempting" it might be to have the president murdered: Always a regular barrel of laughs.

And, just for good measure, she reportedly started giggling like a grammar school girl when telling ABC that an attempted assassination on Obama would 'only make the situation worse' (which again got at her original tweet point that she wants to see Obama finish out his term for all the wrong reasons). Only after apparently hearing the wrath of someone (probably the Net community) did Pierce finally issue a half-ass two-sentence apology later on for her tweet.

This incident caps off a bad week for Obama to pick to stop smoking, as earlier in the week some slimeball with more names than Patty "Wasserman" Simpson -- Oscar Ramiro Ortega Hernandez (pictured above) -- allegedly took a pot shot at the White House (the Bamster was outta town at the time).

I'm sure Hernandez was just joking around too. But at least he may get a chance to laugh it off in the lockup for a long time to come, as he faces a charge for the attempted assassination of the president. Wouldn't be surprised if that charge involves a whole lotta hoosegow exposure. Now that's no laughing matter.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

OUTRAGE: New York City Actually Requires occupy wall streeters to Produce a Valid ID Before They Can Reclaim Any of Their Rubbish from the Junkyard!

This move is sure to mean that many older occupiers will be completely disenfranchised from their right to say, "hey that smelly shit's mine," down at the city dump. This includes those numerous elderly occupiers who -- regardless of their ability to hoof it down to a voting station or protest site -- are simply unable to navigate that complex set of steps necessary to procuring a valid picture ID while out in public. Tell me, what does the Big Apple have against all members of society being able to claim dibs on their rancid, confiscated chattels?

All of this controversy comes on the heals of New York City early Wednesday forcing all the occupiers out of Ourpotti Park so that sanitation workers could clean up that wretched hive of scum and villiany. In the process, sanitation workers removed "mountains" of decaying, rotten debris (pictured at the above and below) and hauled it off to the dump -- where leftist 20 percenters can claim any of it so long as they have one of those damn pesky valid ID's.

And boy did that shit stink! And then some. Said one sanitation worker: "I pick up garbage for a living, and these were some of the worst smells I've EVER experienced!" Not to mention, workers were treated to a veritable potpourri of disgusting personalty...

In particular, the "filthy piles of property" reportedly included "dirty hypodermic needles, moldy food and glass-littered, broken gadgets." And that was just for starters. Also among the ruins was a "massive pile of soiled tents, old bikes and spoiled food." Guess they don't call 'em grubby hippy and dirty hippy chics for nothing.

And some of the random debris in the mountains of rubbish was also rather remarkable to behold. That included a giant Frank's pickle barrel ass (may I slip you a pickle?) that workers suspected was full of shit -- literally. There were also stray plywood sheets, chicken wire, old cables, grotesque clothing items and "smeared peanut-butter jars."

Apparently also, the protesters "inhabiting" the park counted among their leftist lot that wily old-school 'rassler The HonkyTonk Man -- since "two busted guitars" were found strewn amongst the rubble just for good measure. Now these protesters just need a bearded lady, a midget or two, and the "piggy piggy" dude from "American Horror Story" so that they can officially take this circus out on the road. Drivers license required.