Friday, June 28, 2013

GOOD GRIEF! Is This Really Necessary at Age 18? Not that I Imagine Anyone's Complaining Much...

That's 18-year-old "reality TV personality" Courtney Stodden, who just ratcheted up the ol' rack from a C-cup to a DD (which now puts Stodden in the same big fake balcony ballpark as Kim Kardashian, Dolly Parton and Anna Nicole Smith).

Fresh off her fake boobs surgery, Stodden in recent days made sure to prance around an LA shopping mall to show off those new freak-sized mammalian protuberances.

Right behind her all the while was Stodden's sick old man -- 53-year-old Doug Hutchinson, who somehow was able to legally marry Stodden when she was just 16. Which begs the question:

What's the more deranged -- A teenager married to someone 35 years older, or a teenager not believing she was already plenty well-endowed at C-cup size? I'll call it a tie.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Russian President Putin Refuses U.S. Demand to Hand Over NSA Leaker Edward Snowden; Obama Administration Enraged & Embarrassed...

Comrade Vlad might want to take a step back, however, and realize just who the hell he's dealing with...

Obama may not be able to slap an IRS audit on a Ruski (damn pesky international borders), but getting put on Obama's outside-the-beltway Enemies List mostly assures that His Majesty's agents will find some way of getting at ya -- wherever you may be.

Putrid Putin should understand this as well as anyone, since it's basically the same way he runs his own Red Realm in Russia. Only difference there is, Putrid doesn't have to resort to IRS, Justice Department, or NSA subterfuge or dirty tactics if you disagree with the president. The Ruskis just toss your ass in the hoosegow ("gulag" no longer being P-C).

But aside from such trivial procedural distinctions, Putrid and Obama would actually appear to have much in common. Which is why I'm a bit surprised they haven't reached some slimy tit-for-tat to get Snowden back here...

Obama could give up another 1000 US nuclear warheads and the part of Alaska where the Palins live, for example, in exchange for Snowden's return. Anything not to have egg all over your face, right Barry? Better get crackin'.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Tokin' for the Tikes: "Marijuana Moms of Beverly Hills" Puff on the Tree, Say Pot "Makes Them Better Parents"!

Holy smokes. I guess that prescription marijuana thing ain't so hard to come by in Cali, at least not for this group of moms who say drawin' dro out the bong "helps them get through a day" of having to "cope with the daily strains of motherhood and running a household."

"It's just a plant," says 37-year-old group member January Thomas (the blonde pictured above, along with fiancee Henry Hemp -- you just can't make this stuff up). In one darling photo above, Thomas and Hemp read Thomas' daughter a "cannabis themed story book" entitled, "Mommy's Funny Medicine." I guess Drat in the Hat wasn't available.

Some of these moms reportedly liken their habit of lightin' up the la la at least "five times a day" to moms who popped "mother's little helper" Valium pills in the 1960s -- just like the old song goes.

And I can definitely see the pato positives that might inure to these moms' boring ol' everyday routines. For example:

-Mom sits down to watch TV with the kid, giggles through and enjoys the old cartoon "Scooby Doobie Doo" just as much as the child.

-Mom and youngster share a mid-afternoon snack, with a stick of Laughy Taffy for the tot and a jib of Wacky Tobaccy for Mom.

-Tike gets hot at Mom, calls her a fat-ass; but mom diffuses the situation by entertaining the brat with the sight of a real fatty.

-Mom and lad inspire a neighborhood sensation and go viral on YouTube with their newly contrived children's game, Ring Around the Reggie.

-Mom garners special appreciation from the youth by convincing it that Mrs. Grass Chicken Noodle Soup is really homemade.

-Mom and baby take up a shared hobby, tending a backyard groovy garden where onions are the only cash crop and weed-killer is the only no-no.

-Hydro hijinks have never been so fun, as toddler and Mom hit the driveway to simultaneously blow bubbles out of more pipes than one.

-Mom and swaddler start a new tradition on the block with an annual "Hog Leg Days" celebration, complete with Brady Bunch-style three-legged races, a $420 raffle, and free brownies for one and all.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Food Critic Fiend: Florida Mama Doesn't Care for Young Daughter's Oatmeal Recipe, Allegedly Shoots Daughter with a Damn Taser Gun!

Imagine being a Denny's short order cook and having this broad show up at the joint? She's 34-year-old Melissa Neale of Orlando (pictured above), and a report from last week makes it clear that you had better not screw up this woman's breakfast. Lest you'd like her to serve up plenty of pain for payment (allegedly)...

A witness (Mama's friend) says Mama's young daughter was just trying to scare up some oatmeal for Mama's morning eats before the "botched breakfast" went shockingly bad. Mama reportedly didn't care for daughter's culinary efforts that morning and, after taking a taste not to her liking, allegedly grabbed her purse and whipped out a big stun gun!

The pursuit was on from there, says the witness, with Mama chasing daughter all around the kitchen before finally "cornering the girl" and tasering her right in the knee cap -- which allegedly sent the girl screaming to the floor in pain.

But, as with most stories of this kind, Mama has a defense. A two-pronged one, in fact.  First Mama says the taser wasn't even turned on and that she merely "touched" daughter with it while the two were "playing" around...

But that still leaves daughter's damn pesky knee bruises. On that front, Mama says the bruising is not from a taser wound, but instead happened when Mama was merely giving daughter a good "paddling with a spoon" on a separate recent occasion.

So there you have it. Mama may be an admitted child abusing lout, but -- damn it -- that taser gun had nothing to do with it!

Now Mama and her alleged frothing food critic antics may have to take their breakfasts down at the hoosegow for awhile, since Mama's been arrested on child abuse charges. To all the lady cons down there in the stir garnering grub hall duty: Wear knee pads.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Kate Update: She's Actually Still Alive! Must've Been a Slow Day for the Paparazzi, But Kate Gosselin Still Sports a Nice Rack & Ass...

I thought maybe she was dead. There was a time in recent years when the paparazzi chased Kate and her 8 wherever they went. But I haven't seen anything about this broad in ages.

That changed in the past week when the UK Daily Mail ran the above pics of the 38-year-old Gosselin venturing out for a "rare one-on-one grocery shopping trip" (an item dripping with obvious newsworthiness) with one of the sextuplet brood (does the name really matter?).

And while Kate (sans any makeup) did "appear to be a bit worn out," she's still quite the hittable (if always ultra-high maintenance) MILF.

And betcha she looked so worn only because it was like the first time in 3 years that any pap has stuck a camera in her mush. After all, why do the mask if no one covers the task? Slap some makeup and a bikini on this little dish next time!

Monday, June 17, 2013

"Show Us Your Wiener!" Hecklers Pound Anthony's Weiner at Brooklyn Gay Pride Parade...

BTW, "Show Us Your Wiener"??? Disgraced Congressman and new NYC mayoral candidate Anthony's Weiner has already been there, done that, of course. Do not encourage this prick.

Anthony's Weiner also faced chants of "WEIN-ERRR, WEIN-ERRR" and catcalls of "Send Me a Text" at the event last week.

To his credit, Weiner showed its lasting power by not pulling out of the parade, even despite the heckling.

This latest parade incident follows a recent steady stream of hecklers at just about any event that Weiner pops up at.

But as Weiner continues to hog the headlines locally, his poll has been rising, and methinks he has as good of a chance as anyone to be the Big Apple's next mayor. Word to the wise: Don't discount this dick.

Friday, June 14, 2013

ANOTHER US Military Incursion: "Obama Decides to Supply Military Support to Syrian Rebels." Leftist Hypocrites Everywhere Remain Largely Silent Since the Current Pres Has a "D" Next to His Name. You leftist & gop-er Slimes...

These absolute Slimes on the left and right will defend ANYTHING if the president has the right letter next to his name, and will protest and go ape-shit in the streets on ANYTHING if the president has the wrong letter next to his name.

During my more than 4 decades on this planet now, there is only one inescapable conclusion: To be a leftist or a right-winger, and/or to be a democrat party or a gop-er partisan, is to be something less than a real human being -- something less than a real man or a meaningful woman...

It's the equivalent of being a well-trained dog. It's being one who blindly accepted the world view foisted upon him/her by the parents or peers during the tender and teenage years...

It's being a group-thinker. A follower. A zombie, like so many Walking Dead biters. It goes something like this...

"OK, there are gross invasions of Americans' privacy being perpetrated by the NSA -- remind me who the president is? OK, NOW I KNOW what my position is!"

"OK, so I hear that America is about to stick its military snout in another country somewhere (Syria) -- let me think for a second who the president is. Alright, NOW I KNOW where I stand!"

You leftist 20 percenter and right-winger slimes. I admit that I can't stop you, or even hope to to contain you. I can only promise you to make sure that you CREEPS will never get close to the handful of people on this planet that I care about. Just try me sometime. Really Though.  I'm Beggin' Ya Over Here!

Monday, June 10, 2013

"Minnesota High School Cheerleader Charged With Pimping Out 16-Year-Old Female Teammate"! Where Was This Pom Pom Pimp Broad When I Was in High School?!?

The sick little number (18-year-old Montia Parker/mug above) could've signed me up for that gig faster than you can shout, "Ready, OK!"

(Presuming, that is, that Parker needed to add a gigolo to her hookin' stable).

I was always looking for a quick big buck back in the day. Damn pesky $3.35 minimum wage.

So first it was all these MILF teachers who bang the dude students, and now we gots high school pimp dames. I definitely was born into the wrong era.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Will Michelle Obama & Mayor Bloomberg Stand for THIS? Dunkin' Donuts Offers New Sandwich Consisting of a Fatty Glazed Donut, a Fried Egg & Some Greasy Bacon!

This chain of donut joints may want to leave it at that, truth be told. Because last I checked, Dunkin' Donuts is still allowed to do business in the Big Apple and DC. And it's always wise to leave sleeping leftists lie. (SOMEONE wants a nice IRS Audit over there!)

'Course, if Dunkin' Donuts really wants to light a leftist fire, I gots some suggestions over here for additional new sandwich items (in no particular order):

-"Lard Lover's Delight on Licorice." (Choice of red or black, and I'm not talking about the licorice).

-"The Manhole": A dozen scrambled eggs flattened like a roadway, topped and inundated with a seemingly bottomless circle of Nestle's chocolate syrup.

-"Hubba Bubba, No Trubba": Bubble gum-tasting goo packed into a plus-sized chocolate-chip pancake.

-"The Polish Bearclaw": You'll forget you're eatin' bear the second you bite into that giant sausage inert.

-"The Smelly Jelly":  Who'd have dreamed it, as grilled scallops and mussels find their way into an old fashioned stuffed grape jam donut.

-"The Worcester Windbreaker":  Channel your inner Brit with an over-sized English muffin smothered with a healthy heap a' quail eggs and a pound of pork'n'beans.

-"Long John Liver":  Generous portions of chicken and cow livers barely beneath your chocolate frosting!

-"The Banana Spit":  Need to get your a.m. nicotine fiend fix on? We've got ya covered with a lot more than just bananas in your morning muffin.

-"The Preggers Po' Boy": You need not be Kim Kardashian to feast on a deep fried dill pickle wrapped in a blanket.

-"My Kraut-Mick Friend":  Buttered cabbage and taters wrapped inside a savory apple strudel. You won't know what hit 'cha!,0,7746769.story

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Canadian Convenience Store Joints Offer Pizza Spaghetti Slush Beverages: Mmm, Mmm.
Road Trip!

The "Pizza-Ghetti" slushies are the creation of the Couche-Tard convenience store chain in Quebec.  And while I may not speak French ("sloche!"), I need to get my ass up there...

Maybe even stay awhile. Canada has a lot to offer. Cool climate. Lots of space. Easy-to-spot cops. No gop-er or democrat party. In fact, by all accounts, the Canadian economy's been chuggin' along in recent years, while the Yanks to the south just continue to sputter.

Little wonder, too. When you have entrepreneurial innovation run amok, such as the Pizza-Ghetti slurpee. My only question is whether that quaint little dispenser spews the sludge out hot or cold?

But alas, does it matter? I can go Chef Boyardee hot or The Wiggles "cold spaghetti" cold. I couldn't give a rat's ass. Just give me a ticket for an aeroplane!

Monday, June 3, 2013