Friday, May 31, 2013

"Congress Calls for Washington Redskins Name Change" This Week. These Congressional Partisans Really Do Make It So Difficult to Prognosticate Which Dire Issue They Will Take Up Next...

After the democrat party and gop-er party recently completed their toiling over the critical "gun control" issue (an issue that a recent poll found 4% of Americans believe is one of the important issues currently facing the country), I made the prediction that the leftist 20 percenters and deranged right-wingers in Congress would next return to such crucial issues facing the entire nation as free prophylactics and gay marriage. Well, I'm here to admit that I was dead wrong...

Because my forecast in no way, shape or form even contemplated Congress instead taking up the merits of a mascot name for a professional football team. So much for my Swami abilities. Just tan me hide as Mr. Tone Deaf over here, since I'm obviously so very out of touch with the real issues important to regular Americans. We need to leave those determinations to the bright, respectable individuals who inhabit Congress. They gots their fingers on the pulse, after all!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I Do NOT Want to See This Movie: "Anticipated, Sex-Filled Hillary Clinton Biopic Taking Shape"! Why? Why? Why?

Who greenlighted this project, anyway -- Rush Slimebaugh? Talk about a topic that I distinctly do not need to know (or see) anything more about -- Hillary Clinton's sex life. Bleh! And if that basic premise isn't scary enough, the insider skinny on the specific contents of the picture (to be titled Rodham; link below) make it sound even more horrific. Check it:

-Rodham is to be a "sex-filled romp about Hillary Clinton's life as a twenty-something nerd." [The sort of film pitch that only a sex addict or sadist could love]

-The film will show Clinton "as a humorless Yale law student wearing a hideous pair of Coke-bottle glasses." [Nothing says box office smash, after all, quite like a humorless protagonist dressed hideously]

-During that early 70s time frame, "a young Hillary Clinton is introduced as a law student sporting an awful haircut . . . [as] she appears as the valedictorian of the look-like-shit school of feminism." [Got mean- spiritedness over there? I knew Slimebaugh must be involved]

-Future husband Bill, meantime, shows up in film "looking like a Viking with a full mane and a sweet six-inch beard." [It's the prospect of seeing his other hairy proportions that frightens me]

-And that stuff ain't even the worst of it: "In a later scene, Bill and Hillary devour each other," with Slick Willie "ripping off her shirt" and "burying his head into her cleavage." [Boy, that's just sick]

-But "the encounter is cut short because messages from an answering machine keep interrupting the action." [At least the picture has a merciful side]

-In another scene, "Hillary gripes that she's not getting enough nookie." When asked by a friend if she and Bill have sex, Hillary chirps that "it depends upon what the meaning of the word 'sex' means." [Quibbling over the meaning of simple words like "sex" and "is" -- who says this kooky couple had nothing in common?]

In sum, I don't need to see this picture. Why not just release a full- length feature film about a couple of poorly groomed jackasses mating out in the barnyard? At least that one would have a place on Discovery Channel reruns.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Memorial Day in the USA, 2013:
They Died for THIS?

They died for this thing we call 2013 America?

They died for an all-powerful, unaccountable IRS that harasses and targets people who disagree with the current presidential administration (and so far getting away with it)? ("I didn't do nuttin' wrong, I plead the Fifth," said the IRS' Lois "Lame" Lerner this week).

They died for a Justice Department that's apparently never met a news reporter that it wasn't willing to secretly surveil and monitor (and so far getting away with it)?

They died so that a president's mouthpieces, for purely partisan political reasons, can repeatedly lie to the American people (and get away with it) about what happened the day when an American ambassador was raped and murdered (2nd pic above) and several Americans were killed in an Al Qaeda terrorist attack abroad?

They died so that two terrible presidents and two rotten parties over 13 years can explode the national debt and annual deficit to levels that are utterly unsustainable and that will eventually result in complete economic chaos and violent civil unrest nationwide? (That happens when a country can no longer pay the welfare state obligations that it previously assumed).

They died for a populace more interested in sporting events, reality shows, smartphones and singing contests than paying an ounce of attention to all the shit that's going on all around them?

They died for a news media which has more freedom than in any country in world history, but which chooses to exercise that freedom in order to be political advocates instead of the watchdogs of authority?

They died for a nation in which amoebic economic growth, high unemployment, and a diminishing standard of living are now simply accepted by everyone under the moronic cliche, "new normal."

If only there could have been a full disclosure to these fallen heroes.  Something to let them know where things were heading. Because then, they might just have said, "you can take this uniform and shove it up your ass."

Friday, May 24, 2013

Now that Anthony's Weiner Has Officially Inserted Himself Into the Big Apple Mayoral Race, I'm Already Pondering the Ways Weiner Might Give the City the Shaft if Elected...

Maybe his Twitter dong scandal and having to pull out of Congress were a real stroke of luck on Anthony's Weiner. He'd be much more powerful, after all, as the democrat party's Mayor of Metropolis. So powerful, in fact, that I can only imagine what some of Weiner's early stabs might look like if he's elected. For example (and in no particular order):

- Weiner remains hard on campaign pledge, puts some real meat into those stale ol' City Council meetings.

- Weiner rolls out for a day with a City street crew, whips out his own jackhammer to lend a hand.

- Weiner grows the new concept of baloney pony cronyism, pressuring Yankees management to name former MLB pitcher Dick Pole as the team's new manager.

- Weiner thrusts himself into the NBA world as well, forcing the Nets to change their name to the Brooklyn Bratwursts.

- Weiner pounds cultural affairs, injecting an anonymous one-eyed monstrosity into the Coney Island freakshow under the moniker, "The Lone Wanker."

- Weiner grows the City budget to historic reaches through a huge package, gushes that the days of shriveled schwanz and small endowments are over.

- Weiner retools NYPD, arming the outfit with a bevy of new sticks, guns, rods, bayonets, and even a heat-seeking love missile.

- Weiner shrinks from scandal through a new handle, starts sending out his dong tweets as the mysterious @Tony_the_Tallywhacker.

- Weiner thrusts aside Mayor Bloomberg's obsession with portion sizes, raises the maximum allowable weiner length to 12 inches.

- Weiner screws the Zoning Commission, issues Central Park building permit to prospective massage parlor ostensibly doing business as Russel the Love Muscle.

So best get ready, NYC. Something tells me this little prick's gots some staying power.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

"You Will Die, You Fucks!!!" Big Apple Bar Mitzvah Chaperone Goes Ape When Teen Tosses M&M at Him on School Bus!

You can understand this man's rage (link below). All it takes is one warm, melting M-and-M, after all, and his good Bar Mitzvah suit could've been just ruined. And he was gonna make sure every teenage punk on the bus knew it!

The bus full of 12 and 13-year-old little shits was on its way home from a Manhattan Bar Mitzvah when one of the brats reportedly fired the diminutive M-and-M right in the direction of the chaperone and the bus driver. And from there, it was on, baby!

As revealed by an audio recording of the incident, the volatile chaperone first insisted on knowing the culprit: "Who did it?!? One more time, you will die, you will bleed, out your fucking nose!!!"

And just in case the youths weren't buying the death threat, the crazed chaperone made sure to quickly reiterate: "Ever do that again and you die, got it? DEATH! You fuck! You spoiled fuck! Do it again, and you're dead!"

Now that's when things went from deranged to more "personal" for this maniacal madman, as some of the teens made the grave mistake of starting to laugh at him: "Welcome to my World! How do you feel now? Like the pieces of spoiled shit that you are?!? Fucking spoiled brats!"

For some reason, this hotheaded M-and-M hater is suspected of being drunk during the demented drama, although that didn't stop a number of the teens from reportedly being "traumatized" by his angry antics.

Meantime, the Bar Mitzvah party hosts are coming to the loudmouthed lout's defense, saying that he was only "addressing a serious safety issue" presented by a flying "projectile." Not to mention, he spared the lives of everyone on-board. Cut the creep some slack over there.

Monday, May 20, 2013

This'll Teach Ya to Have an Internet: Florida Man Allegedly WATERBOARDS His Old Lady for Posting on the Facebook! That Broad Must Live Quite the Life...

Cops in Miami say 41-year-old plastic surgeon Dr. Orlando Llorente (above) didn't take it so well earlier this month after his 36-year-old girlfriend Leanne Sauma (also above) went on the Facebook.  The good doctor allegedly went medieval on her ass, subjecting the cute little number to a waterboarding session like she was a Bush detainee or something, as well as "stuffing her head down a toilet" for good measure.

And if that's how dude reacts to the Facebook, I can only imagine the royal treatment that Sauma might get for a whole host of garden-variety daily activities. Must suck to be her. To wit:

- Send an email, take a lance through the torso.

- Use the Twitter, enjoy a two-hour stretch on the torture rack.

- Make a phone call, bathe in bottom of a Georgia shithouse.

- Flip on the tube, get spayed or neutered.

- Look out the window, take in a 10-minute Obama speech.

- Open your piehole, hang by your assey nipples from a light fixture.

- Leave the house, wear porkchop suit in a pit bull kennel.

- Operate a motor vehicle, lose a teet and two digits.

- Answer the doorbell, 2000 volts right up the ol' tailpipe.

Now if I was Doc's old lady, I'm telling ya -- I wouldn't be looking out at that damn window for all the money in Al Gore's bank account. Shock me or rack me if you must, but anything but that.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Nixonian: Obama's Government Runs Historically Amok, Harassing Organizations with Which It Disagrees, Perpetrating "Unprecedented" Secret Seizures of Media Phone Records, and Continuing Its Outright Lying About the Response to the 9-11 Benghazi Terrorist Attack...

Of course, Obama and his minions deny until the cows come home any direct involvement or culpability in these stories, but I have little doubt their slimy little fingerprints are all over them.  Involved, after all, are Obama's Justice Department, Obama's State Department, Obama's CIA, and the same IRS tasked with being the "enforcer" for Obama's Obamacare. But Obama claims, "I don't know nothing, I just work here!" R-I-G-H-T!

Over the past four-plus years, I've repeatedly pointed out examples (and before anyone else out there made the observation) of how Obama, his administration, and his federal government agencies have pulled off the best impersonation of the ol' Tricky Dick Nixon Administration since, well, that very same administration.  There have been a steady stream of examples, but never quite this sleazy, meaning three instances all in the same damn week!

To wit over the past week:

-Revelations of widespread IRS harassment and targeting of groups having political views with which Obama and his fellow leftist 20 percenters disagree.  This includes viewpoints such as the merits of limiting the size of the federal government and national debt, the desire to improve the performance of the federal government, the virtues of teaching people more about the U.S. Constitution, the expression of pro-Israeli sentiments, and the use of the term "patriot." Gee -- can't have any of those things, now can we?!?  Louts.

-The Associated Press' story yesterday that Obama's Justice Department (under the direction of shameful Obama appointee Eric Holder) has conducted a "massive and unprecedented intrusion" into the press activities of a news organization (the AP), including secret seizures of the telephone records of over 100 AP reporters and editors.  Imagine any gop-er president's agency doing that. It would be Game-Over for that gop-er president (and likely rightfully so).

-The Benghazi "whistleblower" hearings, in which it has become even more irrefutable that Obama's flunkies (next-president-in-waiting Hillary Clinton, Susan Rice, etc.) told bald-faced lies to the American people last year when they claimed for weeks that some obscure anti-Islamic YouTube video had caused a "spontaneous" attack on the U.S. consulate in Libya (resulting in the rape and murder of the U.S. Ambassador and the murders of several other Americans) when, in fact, it was very clearly (and known from the start to be) a well-choreographed Al Qaeda attack having nothing to do with "The Video." Even now, and in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Obama's acolytes (see Obama press slug Jay Carney) still claim they were just spouting information fed to them by the CIA back then and that they did absolutely nothing to influence that completely false narrative.  Joseph Goebbels might be proud, if only the lying wasn't so sophomoric.

As I've asserted for multiple years, Obama and his rogues aren't just garden-variety slimes and skunks; rather, and much more significantly, these scaly individuals (including His Majesty himself) are downright scary liars (with a huge authoritarian streak) who pose direct threats to the political, economic and informational freedoms that Americans have so long enjoyed. They're Nixon. And no better.

But what makes Obama and Company arguably even much more dangerous than Nixon on his worst day is the fact that Obama does not have an "R" next to his name.  If he was a gop-er, he would be so Gones-Ville right about now (and I'd fully support that) for all this wholly un-American, totalitarian crap. But with a heavily left-leaning and advocacy-driven "mainstream" media to back (or, where convenient, to ignore or downplay) Obama and his lackeys' every move, they get away with these disgusting sorts of nefarious shenanigans almost all the time. An historic presidency, indeed.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Kansas City Named the #2 Most Redneck City in America, Beating Out Some Real Heavy Shit-Kickers! Who'da Thunk It?!?

The new Redneck City List (link below) comes from some skirt real estate blogger named Natalie Grigson in Austin, TX.  It finds that Kansas City is second only to Atlanta in terms of its redneckedness. And shocking to me are some of the joints that KC beat out, such as Dallas, Nashville, Oklahoma City and Tulsa. Quite the statement, there, my home city of Cowtown.

Now, I tried to break down the methodology behind the List to determine if there were any flaws. But found none. The criteria for the rankings seems as scientific and rock solid as one of those mechanical bulls down at Westport's old Beaumont Club. Specifically, the List took into account:

-Number of cowboy boot stores, taxidermists, and gun stores per capita.
-Number of NASCAR tracks within 30 miles of the city.
-Number of local country and western radio stations.
-Number of Wal-Marts in the area.
-Percentage of the population that didn't complete high school.
-Number of local repair stores for riding lawnmowers or tractors.

If KC is really #2 in the eyes of the redneck gods, then no wonder I can't recall Obama coming here since the 2008 campaign (he visited a nearby town called Osawatomie in late 2011 as a part of his "Fair Share" Tour, but that place is way out in the sticks).

But enough about that, already. I think I shall now go bitterly cling to my non-existent guns and religion down at Tex's Taxidermy Parlor. Ol' Tex is offering two muskrats for the price of one this week, and I gots nothing better to do since my riding lawnmower's on the fritz.  Ol' Tex, BTW, has one of those highfalutin' high school edumacations, but I still trusts him.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Oh My! Finland Singer Krista Siegfrids Puts Her Money AND Mouth Where Her Mouth Is, Plants a Big Smoocheroo on Another Broad to Protest Her Country's Ban on Gay Marriage! More Chick Celebs Should Follow Her Lips...

I get real tired of all these female singers and celebrity types constantly doing the P.C. thing and giving only figurative lip service in support of gay issues. You'll get a lot more respect from me if you also give the ol' cause literal lip service by making out with some other hot little dish for all the world to see...

Take, for example, this 27-year-old hottie singer Krista Siegfrids, who at a Eurovision concert in Amsterdam last week "shocked the audience by kissing one of her female backing dancers."  (Are they really trying to tell us that there was anymore than a small percentage of the audience that was actually "shocked"? Please.)

And now it seems that Krista has, at a minimum, at least one more pucker plant in her playbook, as she reportedly plans to continue to "make a statement" about Finlands's gay marriage ban when she performs at the Eurovision Song Contest on May 18. 

My only comment to Krista would be, why stop at a simple smooch this time around? Ya been there, done that already, doll. Don't bore us over here. I'm not calling for anything pornographic, mind you, but you could certainly get more creative this time around, toots. (Maybe just a bit more tongue, No?) The World (gay and straight) Will Be Watchin', after all!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

New Poll Finds Jimmy Carter Most Trusted American Politician! But I Personally Wouldn't Trust Him to Change Out the Paper in a Georgia Shithouse...

Carter's the fool who in 2009, and without a damn thing to back it up, stated unequivocally that the "overwhelming majority" (meaning virtually all) of the opposition to Barack Obama is based on racism.

I think Obama is one of the two worst presidents of my lifetime (along with W Bush) and even worse than the hapless Carter was. And according to Jimmy -- who's never met me -- that makes me a racist unless I happen to fall within some amorphous, tiny little sliver minority group which opposes Obama for non-racist reasons. And what are the odds of that, right Jimmy?!

Carter sure sounds like a guy whom we can trust, all right. At the very least, we can certainly trust him to make moronic, divisive, ultra partisan ideologue-driven statements unbecoming of an ex-President. And if that doesn't toss him right in the middle of your circle of trust, then maybe that makes you a racist too. Welcome to the club.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Custard Caper: Cheap Ice Cream Parlor Customer Allegedly Swipes Cone, Then Takes a Swipe at Female Store Worker for Good Measure!

I think this dude had brain freeze before he even went in the joint. Cops in Long Island say 59-year-old William Hotz had the hots for some free cold eats last week down at the Carvel ice cream parlor. But when a female worker gave Hotz a chilly reception, a 21st Century cold war broke out right there in the damn store (allegedly)!

It seems Hotz (pictured above/link below) was looking to use an old coupon to get his cone for free. But nothin' doing on that frosty front! One of the broads who worked there reportedly told Hotz no dice since the coupon was expired. This soft serve lovin' Hotz suddenly owed $3.50, and he apparently was none too happy about the sorbet situation...

Cops say the alleged pistachio poacher grabbed the cone without paying and made a stone cold scurry for the exits. When the broad confronted the ice cream creep outside, he allegedly clocked her one right in the kisser. But Hotz was just getting warmed up at that point (allegedly)...

Cops say this rocky road rogue Hotz next took to punching the female dessert dish several more times in the mush, resulting in a swollen face and a pie hole that looked something like a banana split.

And when cops showed up, it wasn't like this Hotz was gonna melt like so many fudge sundaes. The neopolitan numskull allegedly resisted arrest, "flailing his arms about and twisting his body" out of cops' reach.

Cops were finally able to put Hotz on ice and scoop his vanilla ass down to the local freezer. And that free cone may turn out to be one of the most expensive ice creams in history, as Hotz faces robbery charges and an extended stay in the icehouse. Wonder if he at least got his coupon back?

Friday, May 3, 2013

Shitter Scandal: Air Passenger Faces Shitstorm, Gets Detained After Allegedly Raising a Stink By Not Flushing the Plane Toilet! But Now HE'S Suing...

It seems like a rather foul way to get back at some stewardesses who diss you (allegedly): I mean, literally stinking up the joint?!?  52-year-old passenger Salvatore Bevivino was on a Virgin America flight from Philly to San Fran when he says the stewardesses gave him a hassle and treated him like a stinkbug for simply wanting a refreshing soft drink...

But the airline says the parched passenger's reaction really stunk. Bevivino allegedly headed straight for the plane's shithouse -- and not to take a powder.

Instead, he allegedly emerged a little later "with a smile on his face," an unflushed mess in the crapper, and an open door behind him. Only adding to the stench, claims the airline, the pissed pooper (allegedly) went potty mouth and started tossing around some obscenities at the stewardesses.

On the ground in San Fran, this alleged stinkpot Bevivino was detained by federal cops as a "person of suspicion" for the ill-smelling incident and his other alleged ass-stink antics -- although he was eventually released.

And now Bevivino has turned the tepidarium tables on the airline, suing it for $500,000 for its "vindictive" stewardesses and for alleged false imprisonment and discrimination. Sounds to me like that smile never left his face (allegedly).

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Brain Dead: Disgusting New Poll Finds 42% of Americans Are UNAWARE That Obamacare Monstrosity Is the Law of the Land! BUT Is This Really Very Surprising?

It remains a continuing disheartening fact that such a huge swath of the American populace is wholly ignorant of even the most basic of political facts. Ignorance is bliss!, said that bald slimeball from The Matrix.

But note therein one of the myriad differences between me and the leftist 20 percenters. The leftist believes most of the population is downright stupid. Regular idiots. Not capable of thinking for themselves. Not capable of taking care of themselves. So it's up to the great leftist 20 percenter braintrusts to handle that job for everyone. Bleh!

You see, I don't think these political ignoramuses nationwide need a nanny nor a big brother. What they could use, in contrast, is a good swift kick in the ass. Or at least a good talking to, as that Limey Caretaker/Butler dude from The Shining might say.

There is more to life, my fellow Americans, than Entertainment Tonight and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Better look around once in awhile, or you might just miss it (to paraphrase the famous John Hughes character a few years back).