The Independent Rage: Machete Don't Resist Flames: Demented Machete Swinging Hobo Squatter Allegedly Carves a Man Up & Then Badly Burns Himself After Torching the Building!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Machete Don't Resist Flames: Demented Machete Swinging Hobo Squatter Allegedly Carves a Man Up & Then Badly Burns Himself After Torching the Building!

This Machete wannabe had a whole lotta mayhem on his mind, allegedly. Cops in the Big Apple say it all started when a "deranged, machete-swinging squatter hacked a Bronx neighbor" right on the ol' mush this past week, before next turning the machete on the victim's arms and hands. (Links to full story at bottom).

Before the 65-year-old victim could so much as fire off a text in response to the Machete tramp's alleged attack, the victim (pictured above in the bandages) was a bloody mess in need of a damn stretcher:

"I'm lucky he didn't chop of my head," said victim Hobart Barrow. "I opened the door, I see him coming at me with a sword. I tried to block him, but my bare hands can't block a sword," the victim also pointed out (unless you're Kwai Chang Caine or Solomon Grundy, of course).

Meantime the alleged machete-wielding monstrosity -- 36-year-old Teddy John (now charged with felony assault) -- was apparently just getting warmed up at this point. The skin-shearing vagabond was reportedly squattin' in the joint (he damn sure wasn't the new gardener), but didn't care for his new digs too much.

That's evident since cops say this butcherin' bum -- after shredding up the old man -- went to play with fire, literally, as he next allegedly set the whole damn apartment building ablaze for no good reason.

But alas, while the Machete character from the movies would always have an escape plan, this flesh-slicing freak reportedly did little more than hang around the big blaze after allegedly setting it. Apparently, Machete wasn't lookin' for "safe" -- nor to improvise.

Bad move, since just as a hand don't block machete, machete sure as hell don't repel flames so hot that you could fry an egg on them.

This vein-shanking vagrant reportedly learned that lesson only too well, as one rescue worker said this alleged machete madman suffered critical burns in the fire -- "burning himself so badly that the rescuer felt the man's scorched skin peel away." Ouch.

That's gonna leave a mark. I just hope he slapped hot machete iron to them burns before they got too out of hand. Also wonder if the ER nurses took his machete away before they hauled his ass off to the burn unit. Because if not them, then who?