Frankly, there aren't too many courtrooms in the country where you'd see such an asinine issue come up or even be raised. But this is Chicago and Cook County. The Chicago Way. Barack Obama & All. Say no freakin' more.In the Windy City, a defense lawyer in a small claims case is accusing the plaintiffs' lawyer of using a "large breasted" paralegal at counsel table to try to distract the jury from the matters at hand (links at bottom). And he's fightin' mad over it!
The Plus-Sized Details of a Most Chesty Dispute
The defense lawyer, Thomas Gooch, has filed a motion asking the judge to bar "buxom" Daniella Atencia from sitting beside plaintiffs' lawyer Dmitry Feofanov during an upcoming trial. Daniella and Dmitry are pictured together immediately above.
While truth be told, you can't tell too much about Daniella's rack from that particular picture, she "is said to have a figure like Mad Men's Christina Hendricks" (also pictured above) -- meaning this is one big bosomy broad! (And who gave Daniella those glasses, anyway, Woody Allen?).
Gooch says that the shapely Daniella's "sole purpose is to draw the attention of the jury away from the relevant proceedings." He calls the "sitting of a buxom woman at counsel's table" an "unfair tactic" and accuses opposing counsel Dmitry of using this "dirty trick" to try to "sabotage his case." (Dmitry, BTW, represents plaintiffs Song and Maria Sayavongsa, who are suing car dealership Exotic Motors over a used car beef.)
Gooch claims to have previous experience with Dmitry "using" the robust Daniella and her sizable hooters in just such a way during an arbitration. As a result, Gooch says that Daniella and her hot headlights are sure to show up at trial "dressed in such a fashion to call attention to herself." Gooch was actually reportedly able to get the big-canned Daniella barred from the earlier arbitration proceeding on this same legal basis!
The Full-Figured Flunkie with the Huge Knockers Ain't Even a Real Paralegal (Allegedly)!
Gooch also says that big boobs or not, the luscious Daniella and her fulsome fun bags have no business at counsel table, if for no other reason than she's not actually a paralegal (Gooch alleges):
"Personally, I like large breasts," Gooch said. "However, I object to somebody I don't think is a qualified paralegal sitting at the counsel table."
Gooch even goes so far as to basically accuse of Dmitry of misrepresenting the paralegal credentials of his big-jugged "foxy assistant" to the Cook County Court. While two existing court orders show the busty Daniella and her massive meat puppets being paid as a paralegal, Gooch says that doesn't prove a damn thing:
"That means Dmitry handed up a bill to a judge that said paralegal on it. I don't believe it's a legitimate thing. It's a sham."
But with Gooch trying to make him out to look like a fruit sundae on "The Rabbit Who Ate Las Vegas," Dmitry is firing back in support of the full-bosomed "brunette beauty" Daniella and her mountainous melons:
Specifically, Dmitry has filed a response to Gooch's motion and "has slammed Gooch for sexism, insisting that his stunning sidekick is his paralegal assistant, and that he needs her at his table" during the trial.
Specifically, Dmitry has filed a response to Gooch's motion and "has slammed Gooch for sexism, insisting that his stunning sidekick is his paralegal assistant, and that he needs her at his table" during the trial.
The Plus-Proportioned Paralegal & Her Hearty Twins Should Be Allowed to Stay, I Say!
Gooch's motion seeks to boot the luxuriantly stacked Daniella and her "ample figure" back to the courtroom "gallery with the other spectators." But that's where the tatas of his arguments start to sag a bit for the ol' Goocher.
For example, why wouldn't a thinly-clad and curvaceous Daniella (not to mention her monstrous mammaries) be just as "distracting" sitting in the front row of the gallery as she'd be 15-20 feet away at counsel table?
Also, how in the hell does Gooch overcome that what's good for the bazongas is also good for the bazooms: If the juicy and toothsome tracks of land hoed by Daniella are truly distracting to the jury, isn't she just as distracting during Dmitry's case in chief as she would be during the defense case? How is Gooch harmed any more than Dmitry?
The judge hasn't yet ruled on Gooch's motion, but will have to do so soon since trial starts June 2. I'll personally find it hilarious if he kicks the voluptuous Daniella and her huge honkers back to the gallery, since that is so completely unnecessary.
If I'm the judge, my ruling is simple: Defendant's motion is denied, but the parties are advised that professional attire is to be worn in this courtroom at all times. If anything other than professional attire is worn during trial, the Court will exclude such person from the entire courtroom.
Simple as that. But then again, we are still talking about Cook County, Illinois.
(Damn pesky free legal analysis).
http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-lawyer-protests-presence-of-buxom-woman-20110525,0,3039522.story
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