Wednesday, August 31, 2011

It Wasn't Anthony's Weiner Down There: TSA Efforts Discover That Man Has Big Snake in His Trousers. And Before You Say Of Course They Did...



...at least this time the TSA agents, for a change, didn't even have to grope the man up to discover his long trouser snake. The strange thing was -- this snake had two eyes. And there were a whole lot more.

The feds busted a Florida man this past week for allegedly trying to smuggle a gaggle of snakes and turtles (pictures below) aboard an international flight by stuffing the repulsive reptiles right down his britches! After this bestial bust went down, TSA scored a touchdown and a field goal, tallying up a final score of seven snakes and three tortoises.

And TSA agents seem to be going out of their way to explain that it wasn't one of their typical grope jobs that resulted in an agent putting his hands on the two-eyed Willies lurking hidden beneath the man's drawers (allegedly). Rather, it was one of those "minimally invasive" full body scans. Or, as the TSA explains, it "used imaging technology, which allows agents to find potential threats hidden from the naked eye." Glad they cleared that up.

The Florida man was reportedly trying to board a flight to Brazil at the Miami airport. Which makes me surprised he didn't have a Portuguese Man o' War down there amongst the other creatures. And who knows what deranged experiments that Josef Mengele had in mind for these reptiles on the other end of this flight -- presuming, of course, that the Angel of Death was the prospective buyer.

Alternatively, I wonder if that horde of snakes and turtles was actually the Florida man's own little demented version of the Brazilian butt-lift workout? There's no better way to "transform your booty now," after all, even if such a maneuver -- using live reptiles and all -- could earn this guy a one-way ticket to the snakepit.

Regardless, on a day when Texas singer and failed politician Kinky Friedman spouted that "Obama has done for the economy what pantyhose did for foreplay," this Florida snake man may have set the merits of pantyhose back even further. The TSA says the man had all the reptiles decked out in ladies' hose before shoving them inside his pants. Turtle legs likely never looked so sexy, even if they do taste like chicken.

And if you think this man's now gonna be sent up the Amazon River faster than a piranha swarm in the Brazilian rain forest, then you might want to think again. He's apparently facing charges for what's being called "ssssmuggling" and harboring animals in an "unnatural habit." (One way of putting it).

But therein likely may lie his defense. Isn't the "natural habitat" for a slimy, slithery reptile a cold, damp, dark, smelly joint -- just like the crotch allegedly involved here? Scale for thought.

Posted by The Independent Rage