Saturday, October 29, 2011
Monopoly Madness: "Yes, I Fucked Him Up!" Crazed Woman Allegedly Slashes Up Her Old Man for Cheating at the Popular Board Game!
Is THIS the depths to which we've sunk in Obama's America, 2011 AD? Where damn Parker Brothers board and dice games are leading to slice-and-dice assaults on a regular basis? First it was the recent story of the Yahtzee game that got dicey, and now some broad in New Mexico allegedly went Jason Voorhees on her old man for "cheating" at Monopoly!
As I did with the Yahtzee item, I can only ponder what the suspected "cheating" might have entailed: I betcha this boyfriend landed on Free Parking and snagged all the dough even though his dice roll should have put his little Thimble a spot short. Been there, done that.
Either that, or he was acting as the Banker and gave himself a little Wall Street bonus on the sly after he passed GO. Or he could have just been trying to charge too much rent after the old lady landed on Oriental Avenue. (BTW, shouldn't that be "Asian Avenue"?)
But regardless of what it was, the pictured 60-year-old Laura Chavez was in no mood to give her boyfriend Butch a blow under the Boardwalk. Instead, she turned into a different kind of Janis Soprano and pulled a Richie Aprile on her old man's cheatin' ass -- first clocking him one right in the kisser with a glass bottle (allegedly).
And since a good bottle shot can only do so much damage, this demented dame (allegedly) naturally upped the ante and gave the old man the full Water Works -- grabbing a knife and hacking up her beau about the head, neck and breast like she was trying to break into the Community Chest (allegedly). (OK, I made up the breast part).
Butch is just lucky he didn't receive an Atlantic City scalping like the one doled out by Richard the Fake Face Guy on last week's episode of "Boardwalk Empire." Regardless, cops found Butchie bloodied and battered when they arrived, while his old lady casually sat out on the front porch "covered" in her old man's blood.
When asked by cops if that was Butch's blood all over her hide, she snorted: "Yes, I fucked him up!" Apparently for good measure, Chavez also took to trying to give a Baltic Avenue beatdown to one of the cops, since she now faces a charge of battery on a law enforcement officer in addition to aggravated battery on her old man.
And just like an unfortunate roll of the dice or the wrong card from Chance pile, cops took Chavez to jail -- "directly to jail" -- where she's being held "in lieu of $5000 bond (or until she rolls doubles)." (You gotta love The Smoking Gun; link at bottom).
If ultimately convicted of her alleged crimes, they'll undoubtedly have to transport Chavez from the local lockup to the state hoosegow. No word whether it'll be the Reading or the B&O Railroad that's utilized for the transfer. Butch may show up there too, but he'll be Just Visiting, of course.