Thursday, December 22, 2011
Sir, Is That a Big BBQ Rib Coming Out Your Fly, Or Are U Just Happy to See Me? Man Allegedly Celebrates B-Day By Stuffing $300 of Meat Down His Pants!
Hey, Christmas and the big holiday feasts are only days away now; not to mention, it was his 45th birthday! So naturally Ronald Broadway of Salisbury, North Carolina (pictured above) needed to load up on some big eats late last week. Only problem: He apparently mistook his pants for a shopper bag while he was down at the local Food Lion grocery store (allegedly)!
And so was this meatball lookin' to score a little hamburger or maybe a hog jowl or two to tide him over for the evening? Not on your life, cops say. Instead, this hungry meatman allegedly tried to stuff enough meat down his britches to feed half the city of Salisbury! (But guess that figures, since they invented the Salibury Steak there, no?)
Cops say this loin job first stuck some nice juicy rib-eye steak down inside his crotch. And that was just for starter fluid. Next up, Broadway allegedly put his meathooks on several big batches of shrimp and jammed those babies down his drawers. And he was only getting his meat warmed up at that point (allegedly).
It wasn't just window dressing when this rumpman next allegedly scored a big slab of baby rack ribs right down the ol' trousers. And even that wasn't enough to satisfy this butcherblock wannabe's taste for meat (allegedly)!
Just to top things off, cops say Broadway carved out a place down his pants for a big bundle of smoked turkey! The final tab for Broadway to fully compile his little makeshift midsection meathouse? Almost 300 bucks in assorted meat cuts and seafood, say the cops.
So much meat and fish, in fact, that Broadway allegedly ran out of room in the sweatpants that he was wearing under his jeans. Although he allegedly had tried to duct tape the sweatpants at the ankles to keep any loose chumpchops or other meat from fallin' out the bottom, Broadway allegedly had so damn much meat down his pants that even the duct tape ultimately gave way!
When Broadway tried to leave the Food Lion and head to his ride, cops say they "noticed food dropping from his pants." And when each piece of meat fell out, Broadway allegedly tried to play it off cool by calmly sweeping the meat under the closest car with his hoof.
Cops finally approached Broadway and had to be wondering what exactly they were handling when they went to pat him down, since this sirloin savant allegedly had big pieces of meat poking their way right out of his damn fly! One can only imagine the officer commenting, "I only hope for your sake Mr. Broadway that that's only stolen meat that just poked out upon my paw."
Now this alleged scrag-bag Broadway may to have to request kitchen detail if he wants to dress any meat other than his own in the county blues. That's because cops have busted this paltry porterhouse on shoplifting charges. And if I'm a bail bondsman, I ain't steaking this guy for so much as 300 bucks over here.