"Obama Has Spent Over 3 Months of His Presidency Golfing"! Now If We Could Just Get Him Out of Pocket Even More Often with Some Nice Equestrian or Yachting or Something...

On the heals of Obama last weekend stepping out for his presidency's 100th round of golf -- by some "perceived as a game of the idle rich [that] is generally unavailable to the poor" -- comes the additional revelation that those 100 rounds add up to approximately 3 freakin' months of Obama's presidency right out there on the links (first story link at bottom)! 

Predictably, the deranged right-wingers have been all over Obama early this week for those rather astonishing numbers. Obama's reportedly now played numerous times more golf than even his equally pathetic predecessor W Bush ever did (while leftist 20 percenters such as slimy Obama attack dog David Axelrod excoriated Bush over his presidential golfing (second link below)). But I take a different view from the republic partisans (go figure)...


A part of me wishes Obama would get a tee time every single week, if not multiple times per week.  And with the time that's left over between golf outings, maybe he could take up some new leisure activities: If the above-mentioned equestrian or yachting aren't Obama's tea party, then there's always polo and deep sea fishing in the Hamptons (so quaint, I'm told!). I've even heard the Y's offering a new class in creative leftist brooding.

Point being, the more Obama is distracted from regular presidential activities, the better off I think almost all of us are . . . Unless you happen to be in the 20 percent of the country that would like to see Obama keep his nose to the grindstone thinking up new left-wing initiatives, ways of bypassing Congress through his massive federal bureacracy, and methods of trying to make groups of people hate each other for no good reason.  But as for me: I'll take Obama down in the 9th hole sand over the policy bunker any damn day of the week. FORE!

http://www.whitehousedossier.com/2012/06/17/obama-plays-golf-100th-time-presidency/
http://dailycaller.com/2012/06/13/flashback-axelrod-called-bush-%E2%80%98out-of-touch%E2%80%99-for-playing-golf-in-bad-economy/

Burnt Out: Lightbulb Eating Circus Freak Nabbed After a String of Mostly Unsuccessful Bank Jobs in the Big Apple!

Just look at this freak (pictured at top and below).  He holds some sort of world record for quickest consumption of a light bulb (33.86 seconds).  He swallows swords. He can be seen on YouTube spiking a damn bike spoke through his bicep. And he was recently auditioning for a gig at the Coney Island Freak Show. He had it all. But now he's thrown it all away faster than a big batch of incandescent light bulbs at the White House...

He's 22-year-old R.J. Williams, and cops in NYC say they've finally nailed this freak after a mostly bungled run of some 11 bank jobs over the past few months (netting the freak a rather putrid score of only $14,000 total) (link at bottom).  This freak's latest crazy caper allegedly involved him trying to knock over a Brooklyn bank that he had just tried to rob unsuccessfully the previous week!


Not such a bright move for the bulb eater, as cops say bank workers quickly recognized this sideshow freak and scared him off. A few workers followed the freak around the corner, where Mr. Edison's big getaway plan was reportedly to pull a fast one by changing his shirt!

And like most circus freaks, some balls on this one: New shirt in tow, he allegedly next sashayed his way right past a couple of street cops as if no one would be the wiser.  "He appeared to be texting -- this guy came walking straight past us," one of the cops told the New York Post.

Never ones to look a gift freak in the mouth, cops tossed this freak's bulb-eatin' behind in the can -- where's he gonna have to change his diet: "I don't think they serve 60-watt bulbs as prison food in Rikers," crowed another cop. But a shank through the shoulder, methinks they can muster up. Keep an eye on YouTube.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/dim_bulb_1KmvQWefjjKYCKlfk4Kb8L

"George W. Bush Beheaded on [HBO Series] Game of Thrones"! (Producers: "We Had to Use Whatever Head We Had Lying Around")...

No wonder that numbnut King Joffrey was so keen to order the now-infamous beheading near the end of Season 1!

http://www.540wfla.com/cc-common/mainheadlines3.html?feed=425022&article=10198555

He Had Some Special Sauce for His Special Lady: College Student Allegedly Launches Full-Scale Wasabi Sauce Attack on Girlfriend!

Dudes don't much care for it when the Girlfriend receives texts from an Ex. Some dudes might break it off with the broad. Others might take Girlfriend's phone away. Still others may simply lay down a "no more" ultimatum. But there are also alternative approaches, such as breaking out the wasabi sauce and using it to declare a small war on Girlfriend...

According to The Smoking Gun (link below), last Friday night started off romantically enough between the above pictured 22-year-old Massachusetts college student John McGuinness and his Girlfriend, as the two got their drink on while they watched the Celtics game down at the local Barnstable bar.

But later, somewhere between the bar and home, John says he got wind of Girlfriend receiving texts from "some guy who she slept with in school."  And that's when an otherwise pleasant evening got real saucy real fast...


Girlfriend says she dropped John off at his joint but was summoned back by a text from John saying that he was gonna toss her "$200 pair of jeans" out in the yard.  When Girlfriend arrived back at the home, she says John came out the pad brandishing said jeans -- but with a spicy twist: He had allegedly caked the britches in a nice thick coat of wasabi sauce!

John was allegedly whipped up into a sick sort of fire sauce frenzy at that point, as Girlfriend says he took the sauce-drenched jeans and "whipped me right in the face with them."  It apparently didn't take too long for the sauce's horseradish to do its magic on Girlfriend's eyes, since she says she was temporarily blinded by the attack.


For good measure, Girlfriend says John also threw her to the ground and then proceeded to soak the inside of her car with an avalanche of still more wasabi sauce!  But after cops arrested this alleged hot sauce hothead, he reportedly told them that the car attack was just sauce for the gander: "She's done worse to my car in the past," reasoned John.

He also wants to make it clear for the record that although he had been at a bar that night, it wasn't HIM who was on the sauce: "I want it known that I am not drunk and she is," John reportedly clarified to the cops.

For his alleged horseradish hijinks, John faces three criminal charges, including misdemeanor assault and battery "by dangerous weapon/sauce." I'm just glad he stuck with the wasabi and didn't trot out any of that super-hot mustard they serve at the Chinese joints. Damn felony, that might've been.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/wasabi-sauce-attack-748301

Rack Time on the Back Nine: Birdie Bazonga Broads in Illinois Allegedly Hit the Links to Bust Out Their Boobs for All the Other Golfers to See!

Who cares if I've only golfed once in my life -- I'm now officially taking up the sport. That's after two busty bunker busters in Madison County, Illinois (near St. Louis) allegedly hit the local public course this week to "show off more than just their putting skills" and long drives (links at bottom)...

These two bosomy bogey babes are 45-year-old Shelly Lewis and 43-year-old Alicia Binford (both pictured above), and cops say that golfers booking a tee time Monday at the Woodlands Golf Course were also treated to a makeshift strip tease (at no additional cost) by the top(spin)-heavy twosome.

Specifically, these two buxom bazoom ballers stand accused of "repeatedly flashing their breasts" to fellow golfers right out there on the course! That is, anyway, until multiple golfers cried for a penalty stroke and called the cops to "complain."  (WHY, WHY, WHY?!? Enjoy the show, boys, for cryin' out loud! If I'm there, I'm takin' a poke at any dork calling in a damn complaint).


And cops are quick to dispel any notion that these two fairway floozies (allegedly) might've been professionals who accidentally mistook the ninth hole flag for a stripper pole:  "They're not strippers, they're golfers," clarified local cop Cap'n Mike Dixon.

Now these two little numbers on the leaderboard may have to trade in the clubhouse for the big house for a little while, since all four of their breasts have been slapped with public indecency charges.  I just hope that bit ain't too long.  I gots a very shapely scramble in mind now that I'm taking up the game.

http://www.myfoxdc.com/story/18765268/women-accused-of-flashing-at-illinois-golf-course
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2158274/Theyre-strippers-theyre-golfers-Two-women-repeatedly-flashed-breasts-public-golf-course.html

Vampire Reportedly Attacks Hobo, But Hobo Escapes -- and Unbitten?!?

That's a real stroke of luck. Cops in San Diego says a 55-year-old male hobo was attacked by a man with "vampire teeth" earlier this week. And while the bum did reportedly take a pretty good beatin', at least he didn't get bitten by the night creature.

The vampire allegedly attacked the tramp (link at bottom) outside a pharmacy on Monday, and apparently just in the nick of time, meaning right before the break of dawn at around 6:00 a.m. (Since don't vampires melt or something if they fail to get back in their coffins by sun-up?).

Maybe it was just such a haste to avoid that crippling dawn that led the vampire (suspect now in custody) to forget to bite the vagrant (Whoops!), as cops say the attack entailed only a beatdown upon and about the vagabond's head and ribs (resulting in a very bloodied wanderer, at the start of the day).

But then again, maybe the soon-approaching dawn had nothing to do with the lack of a bite during this attack.  I mean, would you want to take a bite out of a hobo?

http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local/Wanted-Suspect-with-Vampire-Teeth--158449125.html

He's Been Hanging Out with Biden Too Much: Obama Barks "The Private Sector's Doing Fine" During Friday Remarks. Maybe Time He Should Put a Sock in It?

I'm struggling to come up with many compelling reasons why Obama continues to give public speeches and remarks here and there.  I mean, who listens to this guy anymore?  Not many.

So if he delivers even a gaffe-free speech or set of remarks, what does he really gain?  And if he happens to drop a completely moronic, utterly out-of-touch statement like he did Friday ("The private sector is doing fine"), then he's just gonna get a bunch of negative heat (as has occurred).

So my best advice to Obama (which I really only offer because I know there's no chance in hell of him paying any attention) is to seriously consider just sticking a fork in the public appearances (apart from required ones, of course, like at the democrat party national convention, the weekly radio address, etc)...

Instead, focus your time on the private fundraising speeches and appearances. Looks like that's what you're best at, anyway.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2156519/Obamas-astonishing-claim-blames-U-S-economic-woes-Europe-Republicans.html

"Scrotum"? Damn Near Castrated Him! N.C. Woman Allegedly Goes Nutcracker Vise on her Old Man, Slapping the Iron Claw on His Package Before Taking a Cop Car to Task for Good Measure...

She's 35-year-old Joyce Maxine Gregory (mugshot above), and the Shelby, North Carolina resident stands accused of "malicious castration" (is there any other kind?!?) for going to work on her old man's (apparently a boyfriend) crown jewels last week with her damn vise grip of a hand...

The painful incident (link at bottom) went down out in a yard down on Bowman Street, and I doubt this dude's going to be referring to Gregory as his "main squeeze" ever again -- Leastways, not after Gregory (in a fit of rage) allegedly squeezed her old man's genitals like she was trying to milk the water out of an old turnip (that, or she's watched far too many bad episodes of classic wrestling featuring Baron von Raschke (pictured below)).


The Big Squeeze grotesquely resulted in forcing the old man's testicle to pop right out of the ol' egg carton (allegedly)!  When he was finally "able to jerk away from her grip," the guy was reportedly able to get away long enough to sick the cops all over that grabbin' girlfriend.

But maybe the cops should have just stayed away. They say that after they tossed Gregory in the back of a patrol car, the squeezin' sadist (allegedly) promptly took off her britches and drawers and proceeded to urinate all over the backseat of Shelby's finest. (Why didn't they slap the cuffs on this goof, for crying out loud!?!).

While the old lady rotted in the hoosegow without bail, at least the news wasn't so dire for the old man, as a local sawbones told cops that doctors would be able to stick the marble back in the yam bag and stitch it up with little damage done.  Gotta love happy endings, particularly where a grown man's knap sack is involved.

http://www.shelbystar.com/articles/woman-64591-car-squeezing.html

She Tutored Him, All Right: 36-Year-Old Hottie Brooklyn Teacher Allegedly "Plied 16-Year-Old Student with Pot and Repeatedly Had Sex with Him" Until the Teen's Girlfriend Blew the Horn!

They say this cutie Teach (36-year-old married mother and teacher Erin Sayar; pictured at top and below) got the grass from "a stash" that "she kept hidden in her office filing cabinet."  And that stash wasn't just for personal or medicinal uses, either (links at bottom)...

This married Teach was only supposed to be tutoring the 16-year-old student about his studies at James Madison High School in the Big Apple.  And somehow I don't think sex edumacation was on the ol' studies curriculum -- leastways 'til Teach and student's "relationship quickly took a sexual turn" (allegedly). Hey, shit happens...

And so do lawsuits.  Like one of the $10 million variety that the boy's family has filed against Teach over the alleged affair.  The teen's lawyer says this alleged dope-tokin' teacher would give the kid weed before she banged him numerous times (the boy claims at least 8-12 times, including oral sex) right there in her office and even out in her SUV!

These February-June lovers (allegedly) even reportedly exchanged an astonishing 3,856 text messages during one 17-day period last December -- a whopping 227 texts per day for those keeping score at home. There were also myriad alleged Facebook messages, some of which sounded like something out of a bad old song: "I love you so much!," "I always loved you!," crowed the teen's messages to Teach.   

But Wacky Tobaccy Teach (allegedly) and her young beau reportedly lost all their smokin' and sexin' steam when the boy's Girlfriend got wind of the schwag-and-sex goings-ons. Girlfriend reportedly hacked Boyfriend's Facebook (rather rude, no?) and got the goods on her two-timin,' teacher-lovin' teen boyfriend (allegedly).

After Girlfriend blew the whistle, the current lawsuit ensued. And things ain't lookin' so hot for Teach, since her alleged young lover can reportedly "describe tatoos on intimate parts" of Teach's torso (D'oh!). So unless she claims was just doing some bikini modeling for the lad, methinks at least one of her potential defenses (i.e., nothing happened) may already be up in a huge cloud of fatty smoke.

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/latest-horndog-high-teacher-arrested-article-1.1087658
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2152598/Woman-teacher-36-plied-student-pot-repeatedly-sex-supposed-tutoring-school-office.html

Pizza Poachin' Ain't Easy: Hungry Twosome Allegedly "Hatch Hairbrained Plot" to Heist a Couple of Pies from the Pizza Hut Deliveryman Through Use of a Ninja & a Bat!

As reported on the legendary Smoking Gun website (link at bottom), these two didn't want the money he was holding. They didn't want his ride. And they didn't want no smalltalk either.  They just wanted them damn pizzas -- and fast!

And so it goes that 19-year-olds Tiffany Jacobs (on left above) and Alvina Leiba (right above) reportedly got on the blower last week and ordered two Pizza Hut pizzas, 14 chicken wings and an apple pie.  Only problem?  No dough to pay for them eats.  So they gots to thinking...

The "large framed" Tiffany says her companion gave her a sinister Ninja getup -- black clothing, mask and all -- as the two concocted a plan to try "scare" the deliveryman into dropping the pizza and running away. And just for added realism, apparently, Tiffany reportedly snatched a big bat from a neighbor's yard in order to wield during the daring encounter.

Here's how the kooky scheme went down: When deliveryman Brian Healy showed up, the non-costumed Alvina allegedly told him to put the goods on a table inside the door while she feigned needing to rustle up enough money to pay him off.  And then:  ENTER NINJA!

That's right -- Tiffany allegedly sprung from a hiding place in the Ninja garb and took to whacking around Pie Man with the bat!  But that's where things went completely haywire. Not scared, Pie Man says that he wrestled the bat away from the brazen Ninja Warrior, who then ran for the hills!

Healy says he then left and called the cops, while Tiffany and Alvina reportedly hid out in the woods until they thought the coast was clear.  By morning, this diligent duo must have been really famished, thus explaining why they allegedly returned to the home and polished off all the grub the deliveryman had left the night before!

After cops tossed this pizza-lovin' pair in the hoosegow, they reportedly couldn't stop "laughing profusely about the situation."  Alvina even allegedly claimed to still be "so hungry" that she planned to knock over a McDonald's after she and her companion get out of the can (you just can't make this stuff up). My only advice to them for that piece of work: Ditch the Ninja and don the attire of a big purple Grimace. That thing always creeped me out.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/pizza-hut-robbery-duo-678923

"The Most Independents in 75 Years":democrat party & gop-ers Continue on Their Decline into Increasingly Extreme-Controlled, Corrupt, Out-of-Touch Relics of the Past...

An article on Monday's Politico.com (link at bottom) reports that "there are now more Americans who consider themselves politically independent than at any other point in the last three-quarters of a century."  The precise numbers from the new Pew Research Center polling:

38% of Americans currently call themselves Independents; only 32% of Americans (i.e. leftist 20 percenters plus loyal interest groups) say they belong to the democrat party; and a rather putrid 24% admit to being republic partisan gop-ers.

Now, I'd concede that some of those 38% calling themselves Independents really aren't Independents at all, but instead are far leftists and far right-wingers who (in a prima facie exhibition of mental illness) actually consider the democrat party and republic partisan party not to be far enough to the left and right, respectively. 

But regardless of those in dire need of professional help, the 38% figure includes plenty of real (i.e. non-doctrinaire) Independents and makes it undeniable that Independent numbers are on an historic rise.  Which really isn't surprising at all...


Not surprising, what with two parties that have become increasingly rigid, extreme, mean-spirited, ill-willed and non-tolerant to opposing viewpoints in recent years.  There's simply very little place in either party anymore for anyone who's not a mindless, blathering, hateful left-wing or right-wing zombie. 

Even the likes of right-winger deity Ronald Reagan, for example, would probably be primaried by the gop-ers' tea party strain in a 2012 gubernatorial race. Meantime, the modern democrat party has become this highly loony, kooky, far leftist fringe sort of creature that is largely unrecognizable to those of us people in Generation X who were actually raised by partisan parents to be sympathetic to that party's interests.

You can keep them both.  And apparently, a plurality of Americans now agree. Hey democrat party and gop-ers:  Looks like the ranks of the Independents -- the people who decide your election outcomes (since you don't) -- just keep getting bigger and bigger.

Bigger and bigger, kind of like the National Debt (not to mention American military body bags) that you've BOTH been piling up like gangbusters for 12 long years now -- just to put things in very simple terms that even a democrat party partisan or a gop-er can understand.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0612/77030.html

It's Official: No Zombie Apocalypse. The CDC Over the Weekend Spouts, "We Do Not Know of a Virus or Condition That Would Reanimate the Dead." What a Load Off the Mind...

...what with the recent rash of cannibal attacks in several states.  The same statement by the CDC also assures all of us that the organization is not aware of any virus or condition "that would present zombie-like symptoms" (link to full story at bottom).   Many nationwide apparently had been worried... 

So rest easy tonight.  I'm just glad the CDC is around to tell us these kinds of things.  Your federal tax dollars hard at rest.

Now, if the CDC could also only put our mind at ease these days about the spread of other prevalent physical and mental disorders such as vampirism, wolfman's cough and Mr. Hyde's fever, not to mention loony left-winger lout's syndrome and deranged right-winger rat's ass. [Although maybe I shouldn't speak so lightly about those last two, since they are very real.]

http://dailycaller.com/2012/06/01/cdc-no-zombies-despite-cannibal-attacks/

Whoops -- But She Does "Party a Lot": Big Apple "Hipster" Broad Allegedly Downs 15 Shots, Gets Behind the Wheel, & Destroys a Damn House!

Guess it beats running into a tree.  House got some give to it.  But also gots pesky residents too.  Luckily no one in the living room at the time. But no such luck for the house earlier this week...

Cops in the Big Apple (links at bottom) say the big night got started when Boyfriend (23-year-old Dan Sajewski; pictured below) heisted a Benzo from his Mama and Daddy's Long Island mansion.  Spying this alleged grand theft auto, Girlfriend (21-year-old "Brooklyn hipster" Sophia Anderson; pictured in custody above and below) naturally called the cops to rat out naughty Boyfriend, you'd think, right?  Well not exactly...

That's because Hipster Anderson was not without other options over there: Such as take the wheel of Dan's parents' car and go out on a booze bender with Boyfriend (allegedly)!  15 Liquor Shots later (allegedly), cops say this hammered Hipster was still behind that wheel when she came to one of those always navigationally challenging T-intersections.

Quicker than a drunk driver can yelp, "Hey, Where'd the Damn Road Go?", cops say Girlfriend (destruction pictured above) crashed into and completely through the Long Island home of two 90-year-old sisters.  (No word whether these were the same ossified old sisters who fought off that carjacker a few weeks back, nor whether this latest incident might have actually been some sort of deranged revenge job -- but I digress...).

Regardless, neither of the two old battle axes was downstairs at the time, and so houseslaughter (the home will now be condemned) -- and not manslaughter -- is Girlfriend's most serious crime here (allegedly).  Cops say this hammered homewrecker hipster Anderson was four times the legal limit at the time, blowing an incredible 0.30 BAC.

Nothing new for this well-oiled little number Anderson, says one neighbor, who describes the not-so-likable lush (allegedly) as a dame who's been known to get trashed (for some reason) on the roof of her own house and to show up passed out on the subway at 4:30 in the morning.  "She parties a lot," was neighbor's shocking revelation.

For his part, Boyfriend (unlike his moll) won't be charged in the incident, although his wealthy Daddy is reportedly none too happy that he had to break off his holiday on Long Island's North Fork.  "His dad is really upset," a relative told the venerable New York Post.  Says relative:  "He [Daddy] had to hurry back home from the North Fork to deal with this!"

Put another way:  Never mind the pulverized digs nor the swiped and massacred ride.  'Cause nobody, and I mean n-o-b-o-d-y, brings Daddy home early from vacation without there being hell to pay!  Knuckleheads of a feather sure as freak flock together, no?

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/punk_gran_theft_auto_xm2EAccG6TOphRuKHypFZO
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2152077/Woman-driver-totaled-house-drinking-15-shots-driving-Mercedes-boyfriend-borrowed-mother.html

Now THIS Was a Full Day at Work: Florida Hobo Allegedly Caps Off Multiple Heists by Hitting a Nudist Colony and Jackin' a Golf Cart There!

He was already wanted for allegedly knocking over a convenience store last month and giving his victim a severe beatin' with a Pepsi can.  And cops in Kissimmee, Florida, say that 20-year-old homeless man Milton Hodges was at it again last week when he used a pair of scissors in trying (unsuccessfully) to pull a heist at the local Lowe's home store. But last Wednesday's festivities were only getting started at that point (allegedly)...

Apparently frustrated with his bungled piece of work with the fully clothed Lowes' employees, this bum allegedly turned his sights to victims of the disrobed variety down at the area nudist colony (link at bottom).

Sans the Pepsi cans and classroom scissors, this tramp later in the day allegedly yanked out a big knife from his britches after breaking into the Cypress Cove Nudist Resort.  And I guess this vagrant ain't too discriminating when it comes to the rides he prefers to jack, since cops say the hobo swiped a golf buggy at knife-point inside said nudist colony.

Predictably, once the cops soon showed up, they found this vagabond fairly "easy to spot" since he was "one of the few people wearing clothes" around the joint (not to mention probably being the only fully-dressed hobo tooling around in a golf cart).

Cops tossed Hodges' wanderin' ass in the can, where he currently faces 10 charges from his "one-man crime spree" plus 28 months in the hoosegow from the Pepsi can incident (for which he was previously sentenced and had been on the run). But on the bright side of things: Homeless no longer. 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2151232/Wanted-ex-breaks-nudist-resort-hijacks-golf-cart-knife-point-fleeing-failed-robbery-attempt.html

Stab By Your Man: Florida Woman Helps Prep Her Old Man for Upcoming Court Date By Allegedly Slashing Him with a Damn Seashell!

And least she did try to help him cope with his stress.  Cops in Port Saint Lucie, Florida say the boyfriend of 40-year-old local Patricia Weir (pictured above) was all stressed out last week over a date in court for allegedly beating the hell out of someone.  And what better way to blow off some steam that get one's drink on with the old lady, right? Well...

The coping couple reportedly hit the local bar and proceeded to get all liquored up.  Cops say that when the two finally got home, Weir was more sloshed than John Boehner at a Friday happy hour.  And maybe, just maybe, what this boozin' bambi had on her so-called mind was to further help the Old Man cope with his situation by preparing him for those hoosegow brawls in the event that court date don't go so well.

Regardless, cops say Weir blew her stack at the Old Man and first tried to bite his ear off!  And you can't get any decent Jailhouse Basic Tactics course off the ground without some shank training.  So Weir next allegedly grabbed a big seashell "with a pointed tip" and took to slicing and dicing the Old Man several times right in the shoulder! 

When the lesson was over, cops say Boyfriend "had a visible bite mark on his ear, scratches on his face and multiple puncture wounds on his shoulder."  And the Old Lady for her efforts may now get to try out her fight game in the can for real, since cops busted this seashell Sally for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon (said shell).  And Lord help them lady cons down there if they happen to have any stray seashells out in that prison yard.

http://www.nbcmiami.com/news/local/Woman-Attacks-Man-with-Seashell-Bites-Ear-Cops-152017175.html

They Wouldn't Let Her Bring Home the Bacon: GA Woman Allegedly Tries to Swipe Bacon & Booze from Piggly Wiggly, Then Goes Whole Hog on Store Worker!

She must've felt it would be like stealing acorns from a blind pig.  Cops in Georgia say 26-year-old Lonneshia Shafaye Appling (pictured above and below; links at bottom) tried the ol' "pig in a poke" shoplifting scheme down at the local Piggly Wiggly last week:  Appling allegedly stuffed a big canvas bag full of bacon, booze and assorted other items, but then presented only one item at check-out -- hoping no one would think to look inside her bag.  The best laid plans of muck and mire...

When 28-year-old checker Jonathan Orr asked what Porky had inside the bag, this 340-pound sowbelly babe allegedly hoofed it towards the exits as if she'd just spotted a BLT sandwich outside or something.  Orr gave chase, and that's when all hell broke loose (allegedly)...

First this big side of bacon Appling allegedly "pulled out some pepper spray" and proceeded to spray Orr right in the face with it!  And when other employees tried to intervene to save Orr's bacon, this big bacon rind Appling allegedly "kept on spraying."  If that don't beat a pig a-pecking!  But that was just for starters...

For good measure, Appling allegedly kept her bacon shakin' by taking a swipe at Orr and punching him right in the mush.  She then allegedly topped off this pork barrel piece of work by spitting on the pepper-sprayed Piggly Wiggly man.

As this battlin' bacon lady Appling finally made her way out the store, she was reportedly "dropping beer cans" right and left all over the damn parking lot!  Left in her wake, meantime, was a Piggly Wiggly store engulfed in "a choking cloud of pepper spray."

Cops say Appling really made a pig of herself in terms of the final tally of allegedly stolen items:  5 packages of bacon; 8 cans of Coors Light (she has to watch her figure, after all); 5 packages of cheese; a load of chicken wings; and vegetable oil.  But before this big bacon strip broad could so much as crack open a brew or toss a single piece of bacon in the frying pan, cops showed up and busted her bacon-lovin' behind on a bevy of assault and thievin' charges.  Talk about making a regular pig's ear of an otherwise decent heist.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2150243/340lb-shoplifter-attacked-Piggly-Wiggly-workers-pepper-spray.html
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/shoplifter-went-on-piggly-wiggly-rampage-789304