How Ya Like THEM Onions: Tennessee Twosome Allegedly "Attacks" a McDonald's Restaurant for Going Light on the Onions!

Let me tell ya something:  If you happen to draw kitchen detail in the hoosegow with these two felony-facing Onionheads, watch out you don't shortchange 'em on them scallions!  Lest your wish is to take a masonry block to the mush or something (allegedly)...

They're 21-year-old Christopher Slate and 23-year-old Sean Mosey (pictured above) of Tennessee, and apparently these two wild Walla Wallas are really, really enamored with onions -- and I ain't talkin' the fleshy, fun bag variety.  The incident reportedly started off innocently enough (links at bottom), with these two chopped chaps spinning through a McDonald's drive-thru for some eats to take home while they got their drink on. If only it had stopped there...

Cops say that when these two funny onions whipped out them burgers, they received quite the maddening surprise -- not nearly enough onions to suit their Peruvian sweet tooth.  But instead of trying to return their food or to call the joint to complain, cops say these two leek lovers went home and pounded away on their beer, while gradually proceeding to get all "worked up" into a frenzy over the onion slight.

Apparently virtually foaming at the mouth over their "messed up" food order, these shit-faced shallots allegedly later jumped back in the ride and gave 'er the ol' onion right back to McDonald's.  Once there, cops say the oniony tandem waged an all-out blitzkrieg-style "attack" on the entire joint.

First Slate (reportedly by his own admission) grabbed a big piece of concrete  and slung it right through the pick-up window.  Next (he admits) he seized a damn brick and sent it sailing through the joint's front window.  When the carnage was all said and done, one employee at the drive-thru window reportedly got his arm all sliced up from the flying debris, while a manager got nailed right in the leg by a "concrete chunk."

A successful getaway, however, was reportedly thwarted when Mosey's sloshed ass suffered an "I've fallen and I can't get up" moment out in the street (so much for my theory that a falling crate of onions brought them bandages).  Now this peeled pair faces felony vandalism and endangerment charges.  Not the brightest bulbs in the vegetable garden, these two.

http://www.dnj.com/article/20120516/NEWS/305150029/Dispute-over-McDonald-s-cheeseburgers-leads-vandalism-arrests
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/tennessee/mcdonalds-cheeseburger-rage-859413

Got Pomposity? Obama Edits White House Website to Liken His "Accomplishments" to Those of Every Single American President Since Calvin Coolidge!

A funny (yet arguably fairly disturbing) story this week from Commentary Magazine, which reports that the Obama White House has edited the Profiles of American presidents on www.whitehouse.gov in order to insert so-called Obama "accomplishments" immediately after those of a whole long string of his presidential predecessors (link to full story at bottom). Say what, you query? To wit (examples from whitehouse.gov, with the Obama insertion in italics):

- Lyndon B. Johnson: "[He] signed Medicare into law in 1965 — providing millions of elderly healthcare stability. President Obama’s historic health care reform law ["ObamaCare"] strengthens Medicare, offers eligible seniors a range of preventive services with no cost-sharing, and provides discounts on drugs when in the coverage gap known as the 'donut hole.'"

- Ronald Reagan: "In a June 28, 1985 speech Reagan called for a fairer tax code, one where a multi-millionaire did not have a lower tax rate than his secretary. Today, President Obama is calling for the same with the Buffett Rule."

- Harry S. Truman: "He ended racial segregation in [the American] civil service and the armed forces in 1948. Today the Obama administration continues to strive toward upholding the civil rights of its citizens, repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell . . . in our armed forces."

There are many additional amusing, ultra-partisan-spin-filled examples in the linked story. Truth be told, all of this excessive bloviating and unadulterated narcissism got me thinking this week: What if Obama got his bionic-partisan little hands on other websites (where's Mark Lloyd when you need him!), such as the online encyclopedia known as Wikipedia.org and its various biographies and articles? Betcha Obama would have a damn field day over there! Just imagine (with the likely Obama insertion again in italics):

- Jesus Christ: "The central figure of Christianity whom most Christian scholars today present as the awaited Messiah promised in the Old Testament. President Obama was lauded as a Messianic figure in his own right by the mainstream media and certain sectors of the American public upon his election in 2008 -- a distinction only confirmed less than a year later when President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his myriad presidential and lifetime accomplishments."

- Joan of Arc: "A French peasant girl who, claiming divine guidance, led the French army to several important victories during the Hundred Years' War. During his presidency, President Obama has also established himself as a renowned and historical military commander, presiding over the effecting of regime change in Libya, significantly ramping up American troop levels in Afghanistan as a part of his Surge, and personally making the tough executive decision to execute Osama Bin Laden in his home in Pakistan. Mission Accomplished!"

- Jim Thorpe: "Considered one of the most versatile athletes of the modern sporting era, he won Olympic gold medals for the 1912 pentathlon and decathlon, played American football (collegiate and professional), and also played professional baseball and basketball. President Obama has similarly garnered a reputation as one of the most versatile athletes among modern American presidents, excelling equally (by virtue of thousands of hours put in as president) on the golf course, the hardwood, and the swimming waters of the ocean."

- Karen Silkwood: "American labor union activist and chemical technician made famous and immortalized in film for blowing the whistle on the Kerr-McGee nuclear reactor component parts plant near Crescent, Oklahoma. President Obama has himself become known as one of the most prolific whistleblowers of modern times, exposing the republic partisan gop-er party time and time again in election season for officially declaring a War of one sort or another on every sex, race, age, nationality, religion, creed, class, color or pet preference known within the civilized world."

- Irwin R. Schyster ("I.R.S."): "Highly successful American professional wrestler of the 1990s known best for accusing various opponents and fans alike of not paying their 'fair share in taxes.' President Obama, recognized universally as the most intelligent president in American history, and taking a cue from the heady, lofty discourse of pro wrestling exhibited by the likes of Mr. Schyster, has also embraced the practice of using easily grasped, lowest common denominator, first-grade style words and phrases over and over and over again in his torturous effort to try to communicate to an American electorate comprised of 80% imbeciles. Hey, being His Majesty The Chosen One ain't always easy over here!"

http://www.commentarymagazine.com/2012/05/15/obama-drops-his-name-into-presidential-biographies/

"I Can't Walk! Please Help Me!" Two Men in Germany Allege Nymphomaniac Woman Tried to "Kill" Them with Sex"!

I've heard of trying to get the most bang for your buck, but this be ridiculous.  And she's a repeat offender, no less (allegedly)!

Cops in Germany say that on the heels of arresting a 47-year-old "nymphomaniac" woman for "forcing" a 43-year-old man to have sex with her eight times, this bangin' broad was at it again in the past few weeks -- allegedly subjecting another man (31 years old) to a "36-hour ordeal" involving forced sex OVER and OVER and OVER again (link to full story at bottom).

Cops say they found this month's male victim crying out on the street after he was able to escape his allegedly near-fatal sexual torment.  The man allegedly had to "fight back tears" before he could even say word one to describe what had happened.

He told cops that the female sexpot met him on the bus and invited him back to her joint.  But once there, he says: "Oh God, it was hell! I Can't walk! Please help me!"

This follows an earlier incident in which the woman was arrested for allegedly refusing to let another man leave her pad even after he did the dirty deed eight times with her (as referenced above).  That guy says he eventually had to flee to the woman's balcony in order to try to escape the horizontal pillow pummeling.

Out on the balcony, the earlier victim reportedly was able to phone the cops, telling them:  "You have got to help me. She is trying to kill me with sex! I cannot go on -- I cannot go on!"  And I guess this psycho sex babe was being serious when she allegedly told the earlier victim that she still needed to go a few more rounds...

That's because when the cops showed up to arrest her, she allegedly "invited the two officers to join her in bed for a 'quickie.' "  They declined, which is good since something tells me this little number's definition of "quickie" might have laid up those cops for a damn week.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4288330/Nympho-kept-victim-captive-for-36-hour-forced-sex-session.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2137297/Munich-nymphomaniac-Second-victim-weeping-street.html

Can I Please Ever Go More than One Week or Weekend Without Seeing a Damn News Story Using the Term, "Manhole"!?! That Is SO 1980s...

I don't care if it's hobos stealing "manhole" covers in New York City (linked stories below from the past two weekends). I don't care if it's some little punk falling down a "manhole." I don't care if it's some slimeball trying to pull a bank job using a "manhole" cover as a weapon. Point being: Stop calling it a damn "manhole"!!!

OK, one more (and maybe the last) time on this: The term "manhole" is archaic and highly politically incorrect.  That's because it directly implies that only a man has the ability to toil away down inside a hole.  The correct terminology to be used in 2012 is "personhole" or "personhole cover."  Or, alternatively, if you must (although it's not my preference): "Sewerhole" or "sewerhole cover."  Am I asking for so freakin' much over here?

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/junkie_flipped_lids_vxpSFAI1gtlzt69Gxca41N
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/thieves-stealing-manhole-covers-york-city-utility-says-173230741--sector.html

Boring-Old-Party: Looks Like Leftist 20 Percenters Need Not Worry About Romney Selecting Marco Rubio or Any Other "Sexy" VP Pick...

...what with (after a few weeks of complete silence on the Romney VP front) Monday's seemingly well-researched and well-written article at Politico.com (by Mike Allen & Jim "G. Castanza" Vandehei) reporting that the Romney camp plans (and is reportedly actually looking very forward to) selecting an "Incredibly Boring White Guy" to be Romney's running mate.

Gee whiz:  (1) republic partisan gop-er party and (2) "incredibly boring white guys."  Never would a' thunk to put those two descriptions together before.

(Must say, these two rotten parties really do excel at making it so easy to be (and remain) an Independent.  That's perhaps their most high-level and consistent talent, truth be told.)

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0512/76260.html

P-U! You Know You Have B.O. Issues When You're Forced to Heist a Bobcat to Crash Into a Store In Order to Get Your Hands on Some Deodorant!

If you smell like a sweat factory, you are not without options: Take a shower. Take a bath. Jump in a stream. Plop down a buck at Dollar Tree for a deodorant.  Or, if all else fails, I guess then rip off a piece of heavy construction equipment so that you can bash in the side of a store in order to swipe some deodorant. Although, do consider that a rock might accomplish the same result sans the grand theft auto...

This guy must've really stunk. And then some. 50-year-old Michael Younger (pictured above) of Chicago was apparently so desperate last week for some stench-killer that he allegedly hatched a wild plan to break into the local Family Dollar so that he could lay his hands on a stick of deodorant. (Either that, or he thought there was a standing demolition order for the joint and was just trying to carry out that piece of work)...

Cops say this sick stinkpot (allegedly) got the plan rolling (link to full story at bottom) by lifting a Bobcat skid steer from a local construction site and then driving that baby down to the Family Dollar.  And he wasn't just there to plow some snow or move some dirt around, either.

Instead, cops say this foul-smelling fleecer (allegedly) used the Bobcat to crash right through a store window (pictures immediately above and at the top). And once inside, you'd 'a thunk he'd be heading for the registers, or maybe the safe, or even the electronics, right?  Wrong.

Rather, the alleged smelly swiper Younger reportedly made a beeline straight for the toiletries!  And I guess he didn't want to cause too grave a financial harm to Family Dollar (apart from caving in the side of the store), since he allegedly limited his take two cans of deodorant (and some apparently worthless gift cards) before making his escape.

Cops say they found Younger wandering around in the area and busted his filthy ass (allegedly) on two counts of felony burlgary ((1) the skid steer and (2) the dollar store job). That means his future personal hygiene efforts may have to come in the can for some time to come. My best advice to him would be don't drop that deodorant.

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Man-Bobcat-Family-Dollar-151111285.html
http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/local&id=8657585
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-police-man-uses-bobcat-to-break-into-store-steal-deodorant-20120511,0,6107192.story

Civility: Did democrat party's James Carville Really Just Suggest that gop-er Pres Nominee Mitt Romney Be Bludgeoned & Buried Alive in a Damn Cornfield?

You know, these loony leftist 20 percenters and deranged right-wingers on both sides use crazy, over-the-top, inappropriate rhetoric on an almost daily basis anymore, and I most typically ignore it except when I spot an instance to which no one in the media seems to be paying any attention: Such as when I see no media coverage of one of these lunatic partisans speaking of beating the living shit out of an opposing politician prior to depositing his nearly lifeless body in a shallow grave out in the cornfield...

It was one of the most violent, brutal scenes you'll ever see in a motion picture (pics above and below).  Near the end of 1995's "Casino," Joe Pesci's mob boss Nicky Santoro character and that character's brother are lured out into a rural cornfield by fellow mafiosos under the pretense of a "business meeting." Yeah right...

Once there, Frank Vincent takes an aluminum bat and beats the holy hell out of Santoro's brother (while Santoro is restrained by others) before giving the same royal slimeball treatment to Santoro himself.  Both beaten to a bloody pulp and barely breathing, the two brothers are then tossed in a shallow grave and buried alive.  Pleasant, amusing stuff, no?

So naturally, in a CNN piece yesterday (link at bottom), democrat party cretin and partisan hack James Carville would of course think to cite the "Casino" cornfield scene to conjure up images of what the democrat party plans to do to republic partisan Pres Nominee Mitt Romney. I mean, what other possible analogy would one ever want to use?!?

Carville's line was buried in a rant about how the democrat party should take Romney somewhat seriously as a candidate even if Romney is (in Carville's words) the "worst" presidential candidate "in history" (a contention easily disproved: see John McCain a mere four years ago, although I digress)... 

Spews Carville:  "I know that we are going to take him [Romney] out to the cornfield (like at the end of the movie 'Casino') on the [Paul] Ryan [gop-er proposed] budget."

This statement would be akin, mind you, to some deranged right-winger bragging that gop-ers in 2012 are "going to take Obama down to the river (like Luca Brasi in the movie 'The Godfather')."  Betcha that statement wouldn't go so unnoticed all over the Net!

Regardless, I'm sure Carville would defend by claiming that he was just using political hyperbole and trying to "joke" around.  Since, after all, nothing says barrel of laughs quite like suggesting that a political opponent take a good baseball bat beatin' followed by a date six feet under.  With hilarious quips like that, methinks maybe Carville's been moonlighting as a writer for Bill Maher and Rush Slimebaugh in recent years?

http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/08/opinion/carville-democrats-could-lose/index.html?hpt=po_r1

Oh My, Mama-Cita! This Sure as Hell Ain'tMrs. Robinson Going to the Candidates Debate...

Mexico's "electoral authority" formally apologized to voters yesterday after former Playboy model, "debate assistant," and all-around Latin firebrand Julia Orayen (pictured variously above) -- and her revealing, cleavage-spouting outfit -- completely upstaged the boring, stuffy presidential candiates at a debate this week!

Apparently Julia's role was to strut around in front of the camera to hand out some sort of card to the candidates.  But the main thing accomplished by this beautiful buxom broad was to create a big stir on the Net.  (How about this doofus presidential candidate staring at her ass!...)

I just don't get why anyone had to "apologize" for this.  They should likewise bring out a little number like Julia for the American presidential debates later this year.  And if the dame similarly needs to be Mexican, then I'd nominate the ultra-pouty Paulina Gaitan (pictured below) from ABC's "The River" (since She Be HOT!).

Yep, the American presidential debates will most def need a special added attraction, especially now that it's clear that The Trumper won't be joining the race.  I gots to be entertained, after all. And Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are about as entertaining and colorful as watching a hyena eat a damn vulture (and yes, I have seen such a thing play out before).

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/05/07/entertainment-us-mexico-elections-model-idUSBRE84615A20120507

This'll Keep 'Em From Giving Me a Breathalyzer! Texas Woman Allegedly Drives Drunk & Bashes Her Car Into Cops' Blood Alcohol Testing Van!

It should be a whole new chapter in Law Enforcement Evasion 101: Just get rid of the instrumentality necessary for the cops to lower the boom on ya. After all, you can't serve jail time if you make sure there's no jail standing. You can't be tailed by that cop on the corner after pulling a bank job if his cruiser has four flat tires. And you damn sure can't blow a high BAC if you take out the breathalyzer van!

Cops in Montgomery County, Texas say that when they pulled over a suspected drunk driver last weekend, they ended up getting two for the price of one -- but at a terrible price well below the going rate (link to full story at bottom). They say that when Suspect #1 went berzerk and tried to hoof it, they had to call in the ol' BAC van as back up. And that's when all hell broke loose...
It seems that a second driver -- the above-pictured 25-year-old Calli Dretke -- was either really drunk and/or just really hates BAC Vans. Because cops say that as they tried to detain Suspect #1, Dretke drove up from behind, swerved onto the highway's shoulder, and violently deposited her car right into back of the BAC van!

And that was just as an Opening Attraction! Cops says this bombed breathalyzer opponent (allegedly) next took to task the other two cop cars on the scene -- bashing the hell out of them as well (maybe she thought there was a breathalyzer inside of them too?).

For her alleged efforts, cops say this bombed-out demolition derby broad (allegedly) broke one cop's leg and didn't do the three cop vehicles any favors either. Cops tossed her blitzed ass (allegedly) in the hoosegow on $50,000 bond. There, at least, I hope this pickled piece of work has finally found some peace in her life -- since there should be nary a breathalyzer in sight down in the can.

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/weird/NATL-Drunk-Driver-Rear-Ends-Police-Blood-Alcohol-Testing-Van-148659355.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2134275/Thats-way-make-sure-caught-Drunk-woman-slams-police-Blood-Alcohol-Testing-van.html

"Obama Tells Americans Not to Take Chance on Romney." Finally, Perhaps an Effective Campaign Talking Point from the Individual We Currently Have as President!

(1) For those Americans who typically vote for the democrat party while not being a part of that party's leftist 20 percenter base that includes Obama (and there are millions upon millions of such Americans), and (2) similarly for Independents like me who hate voting for anyone who has either an R or a D next to his/her name unless we feel it absolutely necessary (see 2010) -- Obama's latest campaign talking point is (all shitting aside) pretty damn effective...

Obama is one of two absolute worst presidents of my lifetime, but the underlying message to his talking point of "don't take a chance on Romney" is as follows: Why in the hell would you trust the right-winger gop-ers to do any better, if not worse, than even he has?  Frankly, it's fairly compelling point...

Because Obama's 8-year predecessor W Bush is the other of those two worst presidents of my lifetime.  Two individuals completely unequipped, ill-prepared, ill-qualified, and incompetent to be even so much as mayors of average-sized American cities, let alone damn Presidents of the United States.

These two fools are nearly solely responsible for placing this country on the brink of financial and economic ruin as a result of our nearly $16 trillion national debt.  They have spent money like drunken sailors to a near-Biblical destructiveness level, all the while presiding over the deaths of thousands of young American boys in half-baked neoconservative foreign incursions abroad aimed at effecting "regime change" in the places in which they see fit to do so.  In short, they both make me sick.  I would never shake either of their hands. I would run and hide in a sewer hole somewhere in order to avoid doing so (note that I did not say "manhole").

So this is an effective political talking point by Obama, even if its intellectual appeal is pretty much at a gutter rat level:  "Vote for the Devil you know, because the gop-ers have shown that their dude's liable to be just as bad if not worse than me."

What's this, Obama actually starting to get serious about this 2012 campaign?  Exhibiting some political intelligence for the first time since his 2008 campaign?  Honestly, I doubt it.  2012 Candidate Obama strikes me as a completely out-of-touch, desperate and pretty slimy politician flailing about in the wind. But like the broken watch, he strikes an accurate chord a few times a day.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/obama-ready-first-campaign-rallies-154719057.html

Sisters Sledge: Slimeball Allegedly Pulls Stick Up Job on Two 90-Year-Old Sisters, Who Promptly Put the Kibosh on the Creep!

I love this kind of a story on a Friday: Scuzjob bully criminal (allegedly) gets stood up to and gets what's coming to his sorry ass.  And by the way, what kind of a slimebait tries to strong-arm a couple of damn 90-year-old ladies (links at bottom)?...

The 94-year-old and 92-year-old sisters live in Hamilton Township, New Jersey, where they were returning to their car last weekend after a visit to CVS. But as they got into said vehicle, little did they know that sleazebag was hiding in the backseat like some sort of gutter rat.

Cops says this skunkwad (27-year-old Sergio Fernando Solorzano-Vasquez; pictured above) and his four names came after the sisters with a big knife right there in the car!  But he picked the "wrong set of sisters" to jack around with, you see...

Working together not unlike a well-oiled wrestling tag-team, these two very senior citizen siblings reportedly made quick work of the crumb.  Cops say Sister #1 kept the lout at bay by pounding him with her elbow, while Sister #2 quickly exited the vehicle to shout for help.

This suspected swinebucket Vasquez then allegedly tried to scurry out of Dodge faster than a building inspector in an Alabama shithouse.  Cops say they quickly tracked down this running rat and tossed the beast in the hoosegow.

Neither sister was seriously injured, and this dirtwagon Vasquez (allegedly) faces robbery and carjacking charges. Maybe for his next piece of work, he can try putting the screws to some old life'r in the can. Betcha he'll get about far with that as he did with those two moth-eaten matrons out in the parking lot.

http://www.myfoxphilly.com/dpp/news/local_news/two-sisters-stop-carjacking
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/05/02/elderly-sisters-aged-4-and-3-fight-off-armed-carjacker-in-new-jersey/?test=latestnews

"Occupy Wall Street Bums Are a Big Joke":Big Apple Workers Laugh at the Antics of the Protesters, Liken Them to a Pack of Hobos!

Leave it to the New York Post to cut through the crap when it came to the leftist "occupy wall street" movement's last ditch attempt at relevancy this week in New York City:  Crows the Post's headline yesterday: "OWS Bums Are a Big Joke; Hard Workers Enjoy Good Laugh as May Day Skirmishes Fizzle."  Ouch-O-Bama!

Highlights from the O-W-Streeters' half-baked Big Apple effort included (link to full story at bottom):

-The Post reports that "occupy"'s latest NYC stunt "largely fizzled -- but at least provided a good laugh for hardworking people gazing from their office windows at the demonstrators' antics" (picture above).

-As one Wall Street bartender told the Post:  "How can anyone take them seriously? They look like homeless people . . . These people need a change of wardrobe and a shower." Double Ouch.

-The same bartender (named Kimberly Leo) also mused at the sight of one lady "occupier" who was ranting about not having a job while she strutted around in a T-shirt that said "NYMPHO." (That broad should head over to Jersey and hit up the Bada Bing for a job -- she might have a chance over there).

-"Occupiers" reportedly engaged in a handful of clashes with cops, including one group of 100 protesters toting a giant (and immensely clever) sign that blasted, "Fuck the Police!"  (The surviving members of rap group N.W.A. should be suing for royalties).

-The 50 arrests that occurred included a 19-year-old "occupier" named Elliot Epstein, who allegedly brawled, bit and spat upon multiple cops, including the NYPD Police Chief Thomas Galati. (At least his saliva aimed for the top).

-At the end of the day, the Post reports the protesters accomplished "little more than snarling traffic in [their] sporadic gatherings around the city."  But even that endeavor was largely a failure.  Said one Wall Street insurance company employee: "It's not working. People are going about their business. I got to work on time."

So with this week's "occupy" silliness now behind us, have we finally seen the leftist 20 percenter "occupiers" join the deranged right-winger tea partiers on the trash heap of irrelevancy?  Frankly, I hope not.  These fools have always been great entertainment.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/ows_bums_6HKLpTatoPDLCMZ7F5IXjI

Giddy Up! Drunken Gramps Allegedly Drags Kid in Toy Car Behind SUV While Boozin' Granny Eggs on the Tot from the Back Hatch of the Vehicle!

This one just has big bowl of wrong written all over every single aspect of it.  And I haven't even mentioned anything yet about the dog leashes...

From the legendary website The Smoking Gun this week comes the story (link at bottom) of Florida grandparents Paul and Belinda Berloni (pictured above), their very unfortunate little granddaughter, and the tike's plastic Hot Wheels toy car (also pictured above). Let the deranged ride begin!

It apparently wasn't enough for Gramps and Granny just to get wasted while watching their seven-year-old granddaughter. After all, it's certainly possible to up the ol' child neglect ante a lot more than that. And what better way than to tie the kid to a moving vehicle and drag her behind it just for kicks?

For some reason, this sorry spectacle caught the eye of a passing cop, who promptly pulled over both the kid's car and Granny and Gramps' SUV.  And that's when the full dementedness of this situation finally began to become clear...

First, cops say the toy car was tethered to the truck by no more than a couple of damn dog leashes! (Maybe Gramps had to hawk off his tow chain down at the pawn shop in order to get his drink on that day?).

What's more, cops allege the little girl was wearing only a bathing suit "and had no protective gear on whatsoever" -- not so much as even a dog collar or muzzle.  (So this sad little caper would've been OK if only the little shit had been wearing a helmet and padding? Regardless...)

Cops say Gramps "reeked of booze" and "had watery and bloodshot eyes" with speech that was "slowed and slurred."  But Gramps was reportedly able to pull it together long enough to inform cops that his license had been "revoked for 10 years for a DUI."

For good measure, cops says Granny was sloshed back in the SUV's cargo area, where she was allegedly "cheering the child on" through an open back hatch before cops pulled this crazy caravan over.  Said Granny to the cops: "We were just having fun and have been doing this all day."

But now Gramps and Granny are facing child cruelty charges plus a rather perturbed son (the girl's father), who reportedly barked at Granny at the scene: "Are you fucking stupid, you should know better!" But Pot Meet Kettle, Daddy: Since you're the one who left your kid with these two twisted geriatrics in the first place!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/grandchild-towed-behind-suv-578912

"COME All Ye Faithful"? Ex-Preacher Starts Online Sex Toy Shop, But Even I Wouldn't Use That Headline...

I get that the leftist website The Huffington Post enjoys playing up a story about an ex-Christian pastor who is now in the business of peddling sex toys, but "COME All Ye Faithful" as the headline? Really? That one's even beneath my standards, and I didn't know I had any! (Course, that doesn't stop me from REPEATING said headline)...

Regardless, how 'bout this dildo-doling Doctor of Divinity? He's 56-year-old Dutchman and ex-Parson Marc Angenant (pictured above). And after 23 years tending his flock, the good Reverend has now turned in the cloth for the vibrator (link to full story at bottom).

Angenant's operating a website called "Lief Destuin" (translated: Love Garden), which offers a whole host of sex toys "for Christians," some of which toys' function and purpose I've never even heard of...

That category would include such things as "erection rings" and "prostate simulators" (Rector? He damn near killed 'er), although Father Foreplay's website also offers plenty of your more garden-variety naughty instruments, such as the aforementioned vibrators and dildos.

But even this sex toy purveyor padre, reportedly, will only go so far. For example, if you're looking to give your lover a good beatin' with a buggy whip, Angenant's website ain't for you. Quoting THP: "He doesn't offer whips or other fetish items, but not because he finds anything wrong with them -- he just doesn't want to shock the Christian community."

And I can appreciate that: I'm sure few in the Christian community will be offended by Love Garden just so long as Angenant's website lays off the riding crops and bullwhips. But what about that stray Christian dude who REALLY NEEDS a knotted plow line for use in the bedroom? Where's he gonna turn?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/23/christian-sex-toy-shop-op_n_1445802.html?ref=weird-news

"Illegal Dumping": Maryland Man Busted for Alleged Shitting Spree in Yards and Driveways All Across Town!

This guy needs to change his diet or something. Too much roughage. Because apparently he has difficulty ever going more than 15 or 20 minutes without taking a damn shit!

He's 48-year-old Kelly Ervin of Salisbury, Maryland, and he's suspected of doing the number two on people's property from one side of town to the other (link to full story at bottom). But wouldn't ya know, dude has a doozy of a doo-doo defense...

Ervin basically claims that he just can't help himself. He told cops that he goes running early every morning, and he says that whenever he hits the two-mile mark on his daily run, "he has to have a bowel movement."

Never after a mile-and-a-half or two-and-a-half miles, mind you. Nope,them bowels start 'a breakin' down right at that two mile marker every single time! Thus, he claims, he "defacates wherever his 2 mile mark is" and has been doing so "for over 20 years."

Cops reportedly bought that shitty story at first and let this dumpin' dandy off the hook late last month with only a warning. And he may have gotten away with that it too, if not for that pesky meddling home security camera...

All bets were off several days later, when Ervin was reportedly caught on tape exiting his Jeep to go lay down a cow patty on a local resident's driveway. (No word whether the vehicle had traveled exactly two miles from Ervin's home at the time of the incident).

This time, the proud pooper Ervin chalked it up to a "pain in his stomach" that forced him to pull over and take a dump at the nearest residence. And while Ervin reportedly did bring along (and use) some toilet paper on his little alleged poop patrol, he also allegedly tossed the feces-stained paper all over the owner's driveway after finishing his dirty piece of work!

Now cops have tossed the TP roll at Ervin, charging him with the misdemeanor crime of "dumping under 100 pounds." And I take from that description that if a person shat OVER 100 pounds, the crime would escalate to a felony.

So 100 pounds to up them charges, uh? He did admit he's been crappin' in yards for over 20 years, no? Sounds like some serious total poop poundage. Shit for thought.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/maryland-defecator-arrested-769234