Monday, April 30, 2012
"Illegal Dumping": Maryland Man Busted for Alleged Shitting Spree in Yards and Driveways All Across Town!
This guy needs to change his diet or something. Too much roughage. Because apparently he has difficulty ever going more than 15 or 20 minutes without taking a damn shit!
He's 48-year-old Kelly Ervin of Salisbury, Maryland, and he's suspected of doing the number two on people's property from one side of town to the other (link to full story at bottom). But wouldn't ya know, dude has a doozy of a doo-doo defense...
Ervin basically claims that he just can't help himself. He told cops that he goes running early every morning, and he says that whenever he hits the two-mile mark on his daily run, "he has to have a bowel movement."
Never after a mile-and-a-half or two-and-a-half miles, mind you. Nope,them bowels start 'a breakin' down right at that two mile marker every single time! Thus, he claims, he "defacates wherever his 2 mile mark is" and has been doing so "for over 20 years."
Cops reportedly bought that shitty story at first and let this dumpin' dandy off the hook late last month with only a warning. And he may have gotten away with that it too, if not for that pesky meddling home security camera...
All bets were off several days later, when Ervin was reportedly caught on tape exiting his Jeep to go lay down a cow patty on a local resident's driveway. (No word whether the vehicle had traveled exactly two miles from Ervin's home at the time of the incident).
This time, the proud pooper Ervin chalked it up to a "pain in his stomach" that forced him to pull over and take a dump at the nearest residence. And while Ervin reportedly did bring along (and use) some toilet paper on his little alleged poop patrol, he also allegedly tossed the feces-stained paper all over the owner's driveway after finishing his dirty piece of work!
Now cops have tossed the TP roll at Ervin, charging him with the misdemeanor crime of "dumping under 100 pounds." And I take from that description that if a person shat OVER 100 pounds, the crime would escalate to a felony.
So 100 pounds to up them charges, uh? He did admit he's been crappin' in yards for over 20 years, no? Sounds like some serious total poop poundage. Shit for thought.