"I Can't Do It with My Big Boobies": Florida Woman Fails Field Sobriety Test and Tries to Blame Her Bad Balance on Her Sizable Rack!

We've seen a story in the past year or so concerning a drunken woman using her cans as a retaliatory weapon against arresting officers (recall the broad who sprayed breast milk at the cops). But this is a new one: Trying to use a big pair of gazongas like some sort of demented mitigating factor to escape arrest for drunk driving. But somehow you just knew them tracks 'a land weren't gonna hunt so well...

49-year-old Maureen Raymond (pictured above in the mug shot) was pulled over by cops last week in Jensen Beach, Florida, after they say they spotted her speeding and weaving all over the road. Cops first asked the shapely speed demon whether she had any injuries, to which she replied, "yeah, big breasts and whiplash." However, "it's unclear whether the two conditions were related," chirps The Daily Mail (link to full story at bottom).

Regardless, cops suspected this bountifully bosomed broad was sloshed out of her mind and gave her the full battery of field sobriety tests, all of which she reportedly failed -- blaming the failures on "her ample bosom" over and over again.

Cops say this luxuriant lush (allegedly) even found time to work a little song and dance routine into the mix. When asked to count from 60 to 90, she allegedly broke into song. Then, when she failed to walk a straight line, cops say she started dancing a little jig while at the same time telling cops that it was impossible for her to walk straight "with my big boobies."

When the cops asked this buxom boozer (allegedly) whether she wanted to give it another whirl, she replied: "Hell no, not with these!" And that was about the time that this sonsy showbiz soak (allegedly) trotted out the next part of her act, in the form of a little strip show...

When this well-endowed wino (allegedly) failed to stand on one leg, she reportedly told cops that she would need to "show them" why she couldn't pass the balancing test. So naturally she started to strip down and tried to take off her top and bra to show the cops her massive mammalian protuberances (allegedly).

But cops say they weren't in any mood for a strip tease from this floozy and so they pulled the hook on her act real fast. Now Raymond may have to try to pull out her next knocker down at the hoosegow, since cops have busted her bosomy blitzed ass (allegedly) on DUI and open container charges. On the bright side, she may now have plenty of time to hone that song, dance and strip act prior to the next arrest. (Allegedly)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2096205/Maureen-Raymond-says-large-breasts-interfered-field-sobriety-test-DUI-case.html

WHOOPS! FBI Goes Leatherface on a Broad, Terrorizing Her Home & Child Before Realizing They Had the Wrong Damn Apartment!

It must've been like waking up in the middle of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre film: You wake up at the crack of dawn to the tune of some maniac chainsawing through your damn front door, only to be terrorized at gunpoint thereafter for no good reason, topped off by being forced to lie in dog piss! Good Grief...

29-year-old Judy Sanchez of Fitchburg, Massachusetts (pictured above with her young daughter) says the whole sordid affair went down at 6:04 a.m. one day in late January. She says that without warning, she "saw this huge chainsaw ripping down the side of my door, and I was freaking out" (actual mincemeated door pictured below).

Once the highly dangerous hacking device had ripped a big hole in the door (aided by a big kick from a man's boot), Sanchez says FBI agents stormed in, cocked a firearm, and held her at gunpoint on the floor for some 30 minutes. "I didn't know what was going on," said the frightened little number. (Apparently, your typical use of a police battering ram to break down a door is a just little too boring and blase for the Men in Black).

Regardless, this was reportedly only the beginning of Sanchez's ordeal. Sanchez says that while she was held at gunpoint during that half hour, her young daughter cried and screamed for help in the next room. But Sanchez says the nation's finest wouldn't let her off the floor or allow her to so much as console the little tike.

Just to add insult to injury, Sanchez says the FBI agents made her go lay beside her dog, which (apparently in a fit of fear) had pissed all over the floor. So held at gunpoint, kid crying uncontrollably in the next room, whilst lying in a big pool of dog piss. How nice.

Right about that time, the agents reportedly realized that, oops -- galldarnit -- we're in the wrong apartment! Turns out they were supposed to be going after some sleazebucket down the hall named Luis "Joker" Vasquez. But you can plainly see how agents might just mistake Sanchez for a man named Joker. Or not.

Sanchez says the feds were ever so gracious following the event, offering up (1) a "little pat on the back" and an insincere apology ("sorry for any inconvenience, ma'am") and (2) giving the landlord a number so he can go fill out some paperwork to get a new door. "It was like a smack in the face," said Sanchez.

Gee, thanks, FBI! Personally, I would've demanded (at the very least) to be able to keep that chainsaw. Could probably fetch 50, maybe 75 bucks for that baby down ats the pawnshop. Leastways then, one could pay to get that piss stain cleaned up and preserve the ol' security deposit. Or would that be much too easily bribed off? Although, it damn sure beats a pat on the back from Leatherface, Nubbins and Grandpa Sawyer.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-57369821-504083/fbi-chainsaw-mistake-agents-raid-wrong-mass-apartment-cut-down-door/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2095411/FBI-agents-chainsaw-mothers-door-hold-gunpoint-30-minutes-raiding-WRONG-apartment.html

I've Now Found a 20 Percenter Group That I'm Proud to be a Part of: As In, NOT a Part of the "75% of People [Who] Text, Email, Surf Web on Toilet"...

I often make fun of the democrat party for representing little more than a small swath of the population whom I refer to as "leftist 20 percenters." But in other contexts, being a 20 percenter can be a very good thing -- such as when it means you're not in the 75% of the country who routinely peck away at their smartphones whilst sitting on the can in the shithouse (link to story at bottom)...

The new survey data from a marketing agency called 11mark reveals several startling and rather unsanitary trends in Americans' crapper usage, which is apparently becoming more and more indistinguishable from Americans' phone usage:

-"75% of people have texted, emailed, used apps or surfed the web while nature calls."

-"More than 90% of people between 28 and 35 will return a call or text" while seated in the sh*tter.

-And as sort of a sick coup de grace, 20% of men "joined a conference call while sitting on the toilet, despite the possibility of people on the other end hearing noises or accidentally htting the FaceTime video conferencing button."

I can just imagine that last one would "sit" real well with the bossman and/or a client or customer upon discovery: "Jimmy, what gives with all the waterfall noises on your end? And did someone there just break wind? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were taking this important call from a damn shithouse."

As for me, I'm sticking with the 20 percenter anti-pooper surfer minority. We're a small group. And we have no lobby. But you can be damn sure glad if you ever have occasion to need to borrow one of our smartphones in a fix.

http://www.wtop.com/?nid=41&sid=2730118

Bad Choice in Women: Girlfriend's False Rape Charges Land Boyfriend in a World of Hurt, Then the Broad Walks Away Scot Free!

Now this is what I'd call the girlfriend from hell. And probably the criminal justice system from hell to boot. Please remind me again never to visit bass-ack-ward Australia anytime soon. Geez, you can't even say "BC" and "AD" down there, and they also apparently like to reward people for conjuring up fake criminal accusations and false reports to the cops...

This rather pathetic story began when 28-year-old Australian Navy Seaman Warren Clark (pictured above) broke up with his girlfriend and asked her to move out of his apartment. Can't have that, now can we?!? So his old lady -- 22-year-old Kira Lee Gould -- naturally tried to take out her revenge (and then some) by doing a makeup job on her melon to make it look like the old man had slapped her all 'round the joint.

Next up was a trip down to the local police station, where the old lady -- full phony makeup get-up and all -- allegedly reported to cops that the old man had raped and beaten the shit out of her. Based on those allegations, cops tossed Clark's ass right in the hoosegow and raided his apartment, where they found weed (AKA la paca lolo!) and an illegal stun gun.

Cops slapped the old man with gun and drug charges (to which he pled guilty), and Australia's "Royal Navy" in all of its wisdom gave Clark his walking papers right off the plank. So now the shocked sailor's not only in need of a new girlfriend, but also a new job and his clean record back.

Never mind that the old lady's makeup masquerade and rape-and-battery tale were reportedly found by cops to be a "complete fabrication." And the saddest part of this story ain't even the old man's plight. Possess and get caught with illegal weapons and drugs and be prepared to pay the piper, young man.

Nope, the most pathetic thing here is that Aussie cops declined to level any charges against the old lady for her completely fraudulent and false felony police report! So apparently crime and falsehood pretenses pay in Australia, boys and girls (just like everything else that's backwards and upside down there). Just so long as you don't toss a "Before Christ" into the equation.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2094000/Warren-Clark-Woman-uses-make-accuse-ex-boyfriend-rape-dumped-her.html
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/dumped-girlfriend-faked-rape-injuries/story-e6frf7jo-1226257012718

Never Put a Sharp Metal Object in Your Mouth Lest It Be a Paperclip: Dentist Sentenced For Using Cheap Office Supplies to Perform Root Canal!

I recall it from an old Bill Cosby routine: These damn dentists always advise patients never to stick sharp metal objects in their mouths, but then the first thing the dentist does during a checkup is to pull out a huge metal hook and to start prying away with it! But at least those menacing hooks are approved dental utensils, as opposed to, say, a damn paper clip!

Cops and prosecutors in Fall River, Massachusetts say local dentist Michael Clair (pictured immediately above) has been a bad dentist. A very bad dentist. The sort of dentist you wouldn't have work on a titmouse in a Mississippi shithouse. Unless your endgame was one fucked up titmouse.

For starters, this dental dufus reportedly liked to cut a few corners here and there. You know -- cut a few costs during bad economic times. And what better way to show a little fiscal austerity than to "try to save a few bucks by using a paper clip instead of a stainless steel bar for a root canal procedures," as "Dr." Clair stood accused (pleading guilty last week)!

The linked full story notes that it's typically not the best dental practice to carve around inside a patient's kisser with paper clips since "using anything other than stainless steel puts patients at risk of pain and even infection." Glad the media's around to clear things like that up for us.

Same goes for the democrat party, as Massachusetts AG Martha Coakley (the braintrust who somehow found a way to lose Teddy Kennedy's Senate seat to gop-er Scott Brown in early 2010) is weighing in on PaperclipGate with the same sorts of words of wisdom that surely garnered her such AG elected office in the first place -- commenting that the Clair Affair "paints a picture of someone who shouldn't be practicing dentistry in Massachusetts, or anywhere else for that matter."

Ever the vigilant public servant, Coakley is even going so far as to recommend that "anyone who may have been treated by Clair see a dentist as soon as possible." Now while that may seem a bit drastic, I'm gonna have to endorse Coakley's advice on that front.

And finally, just for good measure, when Dr. Spooky Tooth wasn't poking around in mouths with devices one would purchase at Office Max, prosecutors say he was trying to take a clip to Medicaid, which he was charged with bilking out of $130,000 through fraudulent claims.

This deranged dentist last week pleaded guilty to a string of fraud, batter and illegal prescription charges, but I just hope he gets maximum security lockup following his jail sentence two days ago. Otherwise, a master of the paper clip like him might just bust outta the can faster than a Friday fluoride treatment.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/dentist-paper-clip-patients-root-canals-defrauded-medicare-pleads-guilty-mass-court-article-1.1011131?localLinksEnabled=false
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2093936/Brenda-Almeida-blasts-lenient-year-sentence-dentist-Michael-Clair-used-PAPER-CLIPS-root-canal-procedure.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2091123/Dentist-Michael-Clair-admits-using-PAPER-CLIPS-root-canal-procedure.html

Monday's Most Moronic: gop-er Comparing Obama to Italian Cruise Ship Captain, or Obama Himself Claiming He's Created 22 Million New Jobs?

...such Obama gaffe statement came when in fact that new jobs number during his so-called presidency is at most something like one-seventh of the 22 million figure. The Obama/Italian Slimeball "Costa Concordia" Ship Captain comparison, in contrast, came from democrat party chairman Patty "Wasserman" Simpson's right-winger counterpart on the republic partisan side of things -- some complete no-name right-wing goober called "Reince Priebus" (WHO?)...

Well, I'll call it about a tie as to which of these two complete assclowns (Priebus and the individual we currently have as president) was the most educationally challenged on Monday. Frankly, both statements made me absolutely sick, even if Obama (undoubtedly with some flunky in the background or earpiece pulling an Arnold Horseshack, "OOH, OOH, OOH, Mr. President!") subsequently tried to correct himself.

Absolutely sick, just like these two bullshit, extreme-controlled, out-of-touch parties manage to accomplish every waking day of my life -- even when they realize they don't have 57 states (rather a mere 50) across which to spread their vile disingenuous hate, putrid petty snideness and complete lowest-common-denominator rhetoric as soon as each day's new sun emerges.

I haven't been talking a whole lot about political issues lately, since all that's been going on is pure partisan campaigning -- incessantly by the individual we currently have as president and by the equally unqualified "candidates," with all of their endless third-grade-style primary sniping, on the deranged right-winger side of things.

Put another way, little in the way of policy or new laws is being debated or enacted these days (which is probably a very good thing, truth be told), and so I'm not going to waste much time on these partisan freaks these days. But as always, even if I'm not blogging about that world very much recently, I'm always watching. That never changes.

http://blog.chron.com/txpotomac/2012/01/unrepentant-rnc-chair-priebus-wont-back-down-for-comparing-obama-to-italian-captain-accused-of-manslaughter/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no3DtOP2eQQ&fea

So You Want Me to Do Something to Help Out the Hispanic Community? OK, I Think Maybe I'll Eat Some Tacos.

That's a rather crude, inappropriate remark, of course. But when it was recently uttered by the mayor of East Haven, Connecticut (a rocket scientist named Joseph Maturo), the local townsfolk "inundated and deluged" the goofjob's mayoral office with "2,000 Mexican dishes" and a whole lotta tacos. They called it the "Send the Mayor a Taco" Campaign (link at bottom).

So where's my free eats? Send 'em along, please. I could use the nourishment. Send the Rager a Taco.

[Deliveries welcome, just not during the day or before midnight: The Independent Rage, 1313 Outhouse Way, Tightwad MO. Hot sauce and/or salsa condiments appreciated, but not required. And no spitting in the mixture, if you please.]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2091852/I-tacos-Mayor-accused-racism-swamped-2-000-coordinated-social-network-campaign.html

He'll Never Try that One Again: Alleged Burglar Gets the Living Hell Beat Out of Him After Female Victim Comes After Him with a Damn Bedpost!

He took all the risk on Friday the 13th, and all he got for it was a good bedpost beatin' and a trip to the hospital! He's 40-year-old Lucio Medina Miranda, and that's his badly beaten mush pictured immediately above. And he's being described on the Net as "the burglar who picked the wrong woman" to fuck with (links at bottom, including an exceptional slideshow from WBTV)...

Cops say the build up to this little impromptu hardcore match began when Miranda tried to burgle a home in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina. After slinking his way into the joint, Miranda allegedly first found two kids whom he told to keep their damn traps shut.

You see, it seems Mama (Victoria Jones; various pictures above and below) was down in the shithouse buck naked and fixin' to take a shower. But when Mama spied this alleged Raleigh rip-off artist strolling down the hall, the disrobed homeowner reportedly leaped into action immediately. And that's when all hell broke loose...

Cops say Mama quickly scurried her way into the bedroom, where she ripped a big bedpost down and proceeded to "whack the alleged intruder repeatedly in the face."

Already having had his slimeball ass pretty thoroughly kicked at this juncture, the beaten burglar allegedly made a dash towards the front door to try to escape Mama's bedpost beatdown. But nothing doin' on that front!

Just for good measure, Mama reportedly resumed the beating at the front door with "a few well aimed swings at his knees [that] allegedly prevented him from running before the police could get there."

"I was able to beat him out of my bedroom, back through the living room," crowed the proud Mama after incapacitating the alleged bad guy. And what did that fallen fleecer Miranda get for his (alleged) efforts? Well, reportedly a "broken ankle, cuts, bruises and a badly swollen eye" -- that's what. Not to mention a ride down to see the sawbones.

When he heals up and gets out of there, Miranda will reportedly be facing felony burglary charges and a trip to the can. And what a welcome sight I betcha the hoosegow's gonna be for this scuzjob: Sleeping quarters with not so much a single bedpost on hand!

http://www.wbtv.com/story/16596605/woman-attacks-home-intruder-with-bedpost
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2091439/Eye-think-youve-BIG-mistake-Mother-beats-burglar-unconscious-bedpost.html

"Hello, Police: Mama's Banging Her Boyfriend in the Next Room & I Can't Sleep Over Here!" Teen Calls 911 to Report Mama's Sex Romp!

This has to be a new one in the 911 annals. We've seen customers at fast food joints call 911 when something's wrong with their order. We've heard about people calling 911 when drug dealers have sold them fake product or when hookers have refused to have sex with them. But now a new one: Kid calling 911 because Mama's moaning up a storm in the sack with the old man!

The 15-year-old girl in Panama City, Florida apparently really hated hearing her 35-year-old Mama gettin' it on with boyfriend through the wall of her next-door bedroom. Cops says the teen called 911 at 4:00 a.m. last week and "asked to be put in a Christian children's shelter after she heard her mother and boyfriend having sex" (link to full story at bottom).

The stated reason for the girl's anger: She felt "disrespected" by being forced to listen to all that racket. And of course, expressing such disapproval in a long talk with Mama the next morning just wasn't an option, apparently. Instead, get 911 on the horn right now, baby!

Only problem? Absent some form of abuse or neglect, there just wasn't much the cops could do except to refer the teen to speak to a children's care worker.

For now, the girl has reportedly changed her mind and doesn't want to leave the home. But just wait 'til the boyfriend's back at the joint this weekend. Methinks Mama best muzzle up.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/24/teen-calls-police-mom-sex_n_1228055.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2090834/Teenager-calls-911-heard-mother-having-sex-boyfriend.html

Weighing in Favor of a "Weak Mayor" Form of Municipal Governance? S. Carolina Mayor Gets Pulled Over for Speeding, & So the Mayor Pulls Over the Cop!

There's something to be said for too much power lying with the Head Honcho in the executive branch in a democracy. Too much power tends to lead to "find a way to usurp the legislative branch" directives, the appointment of an historically large number of bureaucracy "czars" accountable to no one, and "recess appointments" and "executive orders" used in ways not previously imaginable nor conceived. But so much for the individual we currently have as president -- let's talk about this fat tub of goo in South Carolina...

He's Jim Preacher, the mayor of South Carolina hamlet of Norway. I can't find any information on what party this joker's in, but does it really matter? Preacher admits he was speeding (70 in a 55 zone) when a state trooper pulled his speed-demon ass over and gave him a ticket for tearing up the road like that. And that apparently didn't sit too well with the very portly local Mayor...

Because immediately after the stop, the fat Preacher reportedly activated some police lights that he (for some dumbass South Carolina reason) had on his own mayoral vehicle and promptly pulled THE TROOPER over!!!

What I don't really get is the Trooper actually recognizing some sort of law enforcement authority of a damn local Mayor, but the Trooper did so nevertheless and actually pulled over! And that was the just the start of this Bizarro-World tale...

Like some kind of overbearing, obese, out-of-his-jurisdiction Jackie Gleason "Sheriff Buford T. Justice" character from Smokey & the Bandit, the fat-ass Mayor actually reportedly asked the pulled-over Trooper for his license and registration, please!

Then this nervy lard-ass Mayor apparently actually went and ran the license, only to return it to the Trooper a short time later. And then for the coup de grace: The buoyant Mayor actually ordered the State Trooper (allegedly) to follow him back into town so that the Mayor could issue him a citation!

(Charge not clear, but I'd guess it falls somewhere under the chickenshit local crime of "showing the unmitigated gall to issue the Mayor a ticket even when the Mayor's fucking up" -- or some such other charge of that same general nature).

And also similar to the referenced Sheriff Justice, the fat-rollin' Mayor claims the Trooper should've never pulled him over since he (as The Mayor) was at the time engaged in a little "hot pursuit" of a suspect who'd just allegedly knocked over a local gas station.

Course, never mind that he's the Mayor -- 'cause someone gots to chase down them damn local criminals! I mean, what's next from these Gestapo-like State Troopers? Pulling over the Dog Catcher as he pursues the perpetrator of the next local bank job?

http://www.wistv.com/story/16574309/sc-mayor-pulled-over-then-pulls-trooper-over
http://thetandd.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/trooper-pulls-over-norway-mayor-then-mayor-pulls-over-trooper/article_cf1bd688-43f8-11e1-9f6c-001871e3ce6c.html

Maybe Baseball's the Wrong Sport For Him: Teen Allegedly "Goes Berserk" on Coach During Baseball Practice After Stripping Down Buck Naked...

I don't imagine it's a very a good thing when on the first day of baseball practice, a high school player gets handcuffed and busted for "acting demented." Being maniacal, of course, may have a certain place in some athletic and pugilistic pursuits, but typically not so much on the baseball diamond...

It all started oddly enough on the first day of baseball practice at Mill Creek High School in Hoschton, Georgia (link to full story at bottom). The school says one of the sophomore players led off that day by "acting very strangely," scraping his legs up by "sliding around in gravel."

Then it was allegedly off to the bleachers for the boy for a curtain call or something, as he "began doing rhythmic exercises in his underwear" right up there in the stands. Coaches reportedly tried to subdue the lad and find out what was troubling him, but the kid could only speak in tongues, giving "incoherent and nonsensical answers" (with "batter, batter, batter" apparently not among them).

Coaches next reportedly tried to get the boy indoors to cool off; but once inside, he allegedly stripped down to this birthday suit and clamored to get back out on the diamond in all of his stark naked glory.

When the coaches tried to nip any public exhibition in the bud by stopping the youngster, the kid allegedly swung for the fences and took a swipe at one of the coaches, clocking the coach one right in the kisser.

A school security guard was finally able to slap the ol' cuffs on the teen, who was still reportedly speaking gibberish even after his old man arrived on the scene. The young baseball prospect now faces a grandslam of juvenile charges. Fully clothed this time.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2090097/Naked-student-punches-baseball-coach-going-berserk-practice.html

Hobo With a Long-Knife: Arizona Homeless Bum Allegedly Butchers Cat for Dinner & Puts Uneaten Portions to Good Use as Well...

Maybe this hobo is some sort of sick descendant of the Plains Indians. They were renowned for always finding some use for most parts of a slain animal carcass (such as the buffalo) and putting very little to waste. But somehow I don't think this is quite what Dances With Wolves had in mind...

Cops in Phoenix say they found homeless tramp Russell Christopher Hofstad (the non-cat pictured above) hanging out in an old warehouse with a mutilated feline. Being hungry, the bum allegedly claimed, he pounded the cat to death with a stick and used a big butcher knife to "skin and gut" the poor animal. Then it was time for dinner (allegedly).

After polishing off his supper (allegedly), you might think this deranged drifter would toss the rest of the cat into a dumpster or something, right? Wrong. Why put a good cat hide and innards to waste, after all?

Cops say this creepy vagrant next turned into Davey Crockett, using the cat's furry tail as a piece of clothing apparel. In particular, cops say the bum's little makeshift varmint garment consisted of the tail and some of the cat's intestines, which cops say the vagabond had fashioned into a necklace that he was wearing when the cops found him.

Cops also say the unhinged hobo used some screwdrivers and "clippers" to meticulously remove the creature's various internal organs so that he could put those "on ice" as if he was dealing with Alejandra Sosa down in Colombia. Specifically, the batty tramp allegedly iced down the cat guts inside a cooler (since those things do go bad real fast if you just leave them lying about at room temperature).

The cat pugilist panhandler told cops that he even planned to put the little animal's skeleton to good use too. Apparently the bum was planning a little shindig down at his flophouse and envisioned using the skeleton "as party decorations."

The party was seemingly already underway when cops found the kooky hermit, who was allegedly prancing around the joint in his cat tail necklace, with his face painted, after blasting off all the warehouse's old fire extinguishers and littering the place with booze bottles.

But on the bright side of things, this Hofstad character is no longer homeless. Cops tossed his alleged cat-skinning ass in the hoosegow on animal cruelty and burglary charges. And after having feasted on cat, I doubt the bread and water down in the hole are gonna sit too well with this bum.

http://www.abcactionnews.com/dpp/news/national/phoenix-police-arrest-man-for-skinning-then-eating-a-cat
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2089342/Homeless-man-skinned-ate-cat-camping-rave-venue-wearing-tail-intestines-necklace.html

What a Ballbreaker: Cops Bust "Bam Bam the Testicle Attacker" for Allegedly Bustin' Her Old Man's Balls (Literally) and a Whole Lotta More!

That cold-hearted stare you see above belongs to one bona fide ball buster (allegedly). She's 24-year-old Savannah "Bam Bam" Rios outta Utah, and cops there have nailed her nutcracker ass for allegedly terrorizing her boyfriend's coin purse and then trying to heist all his coin to boot!

As reported on the venerable Smoking Gun website (link at bottom), cops says this bizarre ball basher got things started last week after her old man accused her of knocking over his joint and "swiping some of his belongings." And dude definitely picked the wrong broad to finger for thievery, apparently...

After hearing the accusation, this batty ball bruiser first allegedly took to slapping the old man around a bedroom. She next reportedly brandished a knife and asked the old man, "You Wanna Die!?!" And that was just for starters.

Next this nutty nut mauler forced the old man to strip down buck naked. Maybe she had a little makeup sex on her mind? Not on your damn life. Cops says this demented log splitter wrapped the old man's belt all around her paw and proceeded to "hit him several times right in the balls."

Likely being in a bit of pain at this point, the ball-beaten boyfriend reportedly "pleaded for his life," at which the ever-compassionate Bam Bam the ballbreaker permitted her old man to put his drawers back on (I just hope those were loose-fitting britches).

Next this crazed cracker jack crusher allegedly forced the old man to drive her to his house, all the while (on the way over) stabbing at his acorn-anguished ass with a big knife like he was a pelotas pinata.

Once back at the old man's joint, this bonkers Bam Bam ball breacher allegedly commenced "swiping" even more of the guy's stuff, this time including his DVD player, camera and phones. Then she spied his bank statement lying around the place!

So for good measure, this deranged ding dong drubber allegedly forced her old man back into the car to take her down to his local banking establishment. There he says he was forced to withdraw and fork over 500 bucks to Bam Bam, although he finally got loose and was able to sprint (at least as fast as his swollen stone sack would allow) to the nearest police station.

Now this crazy cojones clubber may have to pummel her next set of genitals down in the local hoosegow, as cops have slapped her package pounding hide (allegedly) with a bevy of felony charges that include sexual abuse, kidnapping and robbery. And with a $100,000 bond, methinks even all the family jewels and the old man's chattels put together ain't bringin' her loin lashin' carcass out the bullpen anytime soon.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/utah-testicle-attacker-busted-761234