Wife from HELL: Her Old Man Off Serving in the Military Overseas, Texas High School Teacher Allegedly Holds an "Orgy" with Five of Her Male Students!

She didn't just have an affair like so many Bill Clintons, John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzeneggers. Not being a public figure, a mere affair wouldn't have even made the papers. But when you're a teacher and hold a sex romp at your house in which you allegedly bang five different high school students -- well, H-e-l-l-o Publicity!

And it's not that this type of story is even all that unique in this day and age: We see these teachers being charged with having sex with students all the time. My ladies panel in the right sidebar column still has a link to the broad who allegedly banged half the high school football team in some town somewhere.

Nope, what made this Texas teacher's story unique to me was the fact that her hubby is off serving overseas in the military. And again, I note that the old lady didn't just have an affair. Thinking of the old man, I'm immediately reminded of Ray Liotta's line from Goodfellas: "All the shit I have to deal with out on the street, and I gotta come home to THIS!"

Yep, cops in Texas says there were five of them, alright. But first things first. A memo to horny female school teachers everywhere: If you must break the law and let half your male students gangbang you, then for Pete's Sake don't let them record video evidence of the event on their cell phones!

I have this mental image of the lads waiting on line to take a crack at their 27-year-old teacher (and married mother of three), Brittni Colleps, over at her joint. And bored by the wait in line, they would need something to occupy their time. So while waiting their turn to whip something different out, they whipped out their cell phones to record Mrs. Colleps banging the dude(s) ahead of them in line (allegedly).

Who knows if it (and Mrs. Colleps) went down quite that way, but cops say the five teens did record their "sex romp" with Teach on their cell phones. The boys were reportedly at Teach's house by her invitation. Mrs. Colleps teaches at Kennedale High School in Arlington, Texas, where she's an English instructor and girls basketball coach.

Which gets me wondering: Could there have possibly been any English instruction as a part of the other "lessons" she was imparting (allegedly) to the boys at her home that day? If so, I can only imagine some of the things she might have been shouting during the course of the alleged "orgy." For example, the Top Ten utterances could have been:

10. "Come on over here and cross this T, boy!"

9. "You know the rules: No glove, no gerund."

8. "You down there diagramming a sentence? Get to work already!"

7. "Stop talking to me in the passive voice!"

6. "Enough with the abbreviation: Give me the long form!"

5. "Stick that big long adjective right between these two proper nouns."

4. "What are you, a run-on sentence? Get going, 'cause I still gots four boys to bang!"

3. "Don't call me 'baby.' It's Mrs. Colleps -- or 'Teacher' if you're Nasty."

2. "That's right -- End this short story with a bang, babe!"

1. "I've already banged A, E, I and O. Now I want U!"

And I hope it all was worth it, because now Teach may have to schedule her orgies (allegedly) in a different kind of sex palace known as the state hoosegow. She faces five felony counts of "inappropriate relationships between a student and teacher."

That's because even though all five students were 18 at the time, Texas has this pesky little law making it a felony for a teacher to have sex with any student. Damn party poopers, those Texas lawmakers!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1388017/Teacher-arrested-sex-FIVE-students-orgy-home.html

Wisconsin Democrat Party Members Call Congressman Paul Ryan a "COWARD" for Choosing to Stay in the House & Not to Run for the Open Senate Seat. Nice!

This is just a quick political topic on which I felt compelled to speak a few words tonight (and to break my general rule of only one main blog post per day). The decision of Ryan (of course, a very powerful GOP representative in the U.S. House) whether or not to run for Wisconsin's newly open U.S. Senate seat in 2012 was something I actually considered blogging about last week, although ultimately I hesitated just because it was such a purely political matter not of general interest to many.

But that changed when I saw tonight that Ryan's ultimate decision this week not to give up his House seat or to run for the Senate in 2012 has been met with cries of "COWARD" from members of the democrat party in Wisconsin (link at bottom/statement above). Several quick observations here:

First, when I first read about Ryan's pending decision last week, it struck me that there was a good chance he would decline to run for the Senate. This dude has risen to an incredibly powerful position in the House just by the age of 40. He would be running a huge risk by tossing his hat into the Senate race, because he could well lose in a statewide race in the extremely leftist state of Wisconsin.

And if that happened, he'd be out in the cold (I presume). No Senate seat, no House seat. Not to mention, if he gets elected to the Senate, he starts all over again in terms of seniority and rising up the ranks. He's already pretty high up in the House, even at his very young age. So no huge surprise to me that he's not running for the Senate.

Second, the democrat party's reaction of "COWARD" immediately reveals their true feelings and shows that Ryan made the right political judgment. Such a completely over-the-top reaction by the democrat party betrays that they really wanted Ryan to run for the Senate because they saw a great opportunity to knock him off, whereas he presumably continues to re-win his House district over and over again every two years for quite awhile to come.

The democrat party saw a golden opportunity to run Ryan's pesky hide out of politics, and Ryan closed the door on them. Frankly, it's rather hilarious, and it resulted in the democrat party acting like immature second graders. I mean -- "Coward"? WTF? What is this, some really bad 1950's TV western? "Yer Yella, Boy!" HA HA leftists!

Third, how about the gall of the leftist 20 percenters in Wisconsin using such crazy rhetoric as calling Ryan a "COWARD"?!? This truly is an age of no common human decency whatsoever between these two parties.

But don't worry, I plan to hang around awhile and point out every single instance I witness of pathetic, mindless, grade school-style indecent behavior by both of these two parties. And I'm the only one out here who has absolutely no hesitation to call out either side. Who else does it?

Fourth, I think Ryan made the correct political decision, and I'm glad to see he'll be staying around. He's one of the very few politicians on the national stage who has impressed me in recent years. Is he way to the right of me? Most def. But he's so completely unlike most politicians because he actually has the courage and conviction to propose real, concrete plans for reducing our stifling $14.3 trillion national debt.

And as noted before in this space, all of the incessant leftist 20 percenter catcalls that Ryan's plan is "draconian," "extreme" and "radical" fall on completely deaf ears with this Independent since the democrat party has no alternative plan of its own. Until they get one, their anti-Ryan rhetoric sounds to me like one of those adults on the Charlie Brown cartoon series: Whaw-Whaw-Whaw, Whaw-Whaw, Whaw-Whaw-Whaw-Whaw...

http://gretawire.blogs.foxnews.com/are-the-wisconsin-democrats-right-about-rep-paul-ryan-or-are-they-just-nasty-and-petty/

THIS Is What I Call Standing Up Against a Slimeball: Healthy Dallas Soccer Mom Whips the Hell Out of Would-Be Mugger! "Turn the Other Cheek" My Ass!

[Preface: This post first appeared briefly last Thursday before Blogger.com crashed for 24 hours and this post disappeared. Today I realized that the post was back as a "draft" on my "Edit Posts" page, and so I thought I'd just re-post it today...]

They'd like us to shut up and "turn the other cheek." We live in a depressing world of slime. Just today, I was having a hard time finding something to write about. I was seeing just more of the same routine sliminess that I see every day. BOR-ING, until...

Just Another Day in Paradise (apologies to Phil Collins)

Same old tired stuff. I see slimy, flip-flopping and/or corrupt politicians named Mitt & Newt running for president. I see a slimy individual named Common participating in events at the White House. I see a slimeball named Osama continuing to be thrust into the headlines for obvious reasons. I see a dangerous leftist billionaire slime named Palpatine (errr, Soros) with his tenacles all into the media. I see the typical rapes, bullyings and murders of people with no protection. I see a slimy pop culture that entices most into paying no attention.

But then I see something different! I see a Dallas mom stickin' up to the slime! Way to go, mama, because make no mistake: They don't want us acting like that. So here we go:

This Would-Be Mugger Picked the Wrong Mama to F*ck With!

Her name is Juliette Sweda (pictured at top). The unassuming Dallas soccer mom was just finishing up a round of grocery shopping as she headed towards her SUV (what else would she drive?!) to unload. Or as the Brits say, "she loaded her groceries into the boot of her people carrier" (link at bottom).

What Juliette didn't know was that a "beady-eyed purse-snatcher was lurking nearby." But more importantly, what the beady-eyed purse-snatcher (reportedly a female herself) didn't know was that Juliette is a trained boxer and "boot-camp leader." [BTW, I'm not precisely sure what it means to be a "boot-camp leader," but it sounds pretty badass and nevertheless much more intimidating than being something like a "band camp leader"].

Apparently thinking that she had spotted some easy prey, the female mugger swiped Juliette's purse from inside the SUV and tried to make a quick beeline to a getaway vehicle. Said Juliette: "I'm shutting the door, and I turn around and here's a woman -- probably around 5'7" with long dreadlocks -- opening my door, reaching in and grabbing my bag."

And the badass boot camper was having none of that. Juliette reportedly gave chase, caught up with the mugger, and grabbed those long dreadlocks. When the slimeball struggled and tried to actually put the damn getaway car in gear, Juliette went Muhammad Ali on her ass and clocked her one right in the kisser with her best "power punch":

"I'm trying to stop her, I'm on top of her, from putting the car in gear, so she tries to put it in reverse and I'm like, 'No, No, I'm getting my bag back' . . . It was a natural reaction. I just threw my power punch, yes, I did."

Juliette also went into further explanation of her boxing technique, which (truth be told) for me conjured up the lyrics to The Hokey Pokey:

"If you're left foot is forward you're jabbing with your left, whereas if your right foot is forward you're jabbing with your right."

As for that sleazejam mugger, Juliette says the cowardly crook "soon realized the fight was lost and promptly handed back the bag." Scumjob.

And any final thoughts from the healthy and heroic soccer mom? "I'm in shape," Juliette proclaimed. Damn right -- "H-e-a-l-t-h-y" just like Madonna in '85!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1386291/Mugger-attacks-boxing-instructor-Juliette-Sweda-loads-car-shopping.html#

"Fend For Yourselves"? It's a Home Alone Nightmare as Slimeball Fla. Parents Allegedly Leave Little Kids Outside in a Tent While Mom & Dad Go to Rehab

It's proof positive that some people who live in trailers are, in fact, "trailer park trash." And when you make the trailer park the setting for a Home Alone story, then you just know it's going to turn into a horror picture, just as it did over the past week in Union County, Florida (allegedly).

Cops there say Daddy (25-year-old Mark Tucker) and Mommy (26-year-old Kathy Tucker) (both pictured above) had a little dilemma on their hands last week. It seems the happy couple needed to head to the local methadone clinic for a little rehab. Only problem? Who was going to take care of the little shits (two daughters aged three and four)?

Granny (who also lives in the couple's trailer home) couldn't do it, since there's apparently something not quite right with Granny (cops say Granny "was not capable of caring for the girls and may not have even known who they were"). [BTW, what gives with Granny, who's probably only in her 50's?] So strike Granny off the list.

But wait! There's Spot the family dog! They don't allow pets in rehab, so Mommy and Daddy reportedly figured they'd task Spot with looking after the girls while the couple was away. ("They did say the children were protected because of the family dog," said the sheriff's office).

And that's how cops say it went down: Mommy & Daddy left the two little girls to "fend for themselves" outside the trailer home in a tent (pictured above), although they did make sure to leave behind the family dog to "protect" the girls. Gee -- good to know Mommy & Daddy were only thinking of the kids!

When someone finally reported to cops that two little girls had been abandoned outside in a tent, the cops showed up to a veritable horror show. "It was just a terrible sight, terrible scene," said one deputy.

Mommy & Daddy reportedly had left no food or water for the girls (when they said "fend for yourselves," they really meant it, damn it). The girls were found filthy and wandering about aimlessly in the woods behind their tent, clad only in pajamas. One had lost a shoe.

They were also reportedly "starving" and "desperate for food and water," which "was the first thing the children asked for." No word on the absent parents' reaction to this situation, but something tells me they'd probably try to point the finger at Spot for his bad parenting skills.

Mommy and Daddy, meantime, were reportedly in no real hurry to get home after they completed their rehab session. Instead, they were allegedly more worried about making some dough in town by selling their blood plasma at a donation station. After all, you can't feed those little shits on good intentions alone, no?

Regardless, Mommy and Daddy's "we left the dog to look out for them" defense apparently didn't carry much weight with the cops, who threw the couple in the clink on child neglect charges late last week.

If these sleazebuckets ultimately have to spend some real hard time in the hoosegow, here's hoping they don't get the comfort of a cell but instead are forced to live in a tent out in the prison yard like they made their little girls do (allegedly). And as for their water and grub, let them "fend for themselves" out there. An eye for an eye, as they say.

For now, the girls have been placed with other relatives. The sheriff's office and local juvy department say they're now working to help the girls and find "a safer environment" than the one that Mommy and Daddy offered. "Safer" than that? Methinks an Afghanistan war zone might be the only place in the world less safe than livin' with the Tuckers.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1387408/Young-girls-desperate-food-water-parents-forced-live-outside-tent.html#
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/05/15/2011-05-15_two_kids_left_to_fend_for_selves_in_tent_outside_mobile_home_by_parents_cops.html?r=news
http://www.gainesville.com/article/20110511/ARTICLES/110519920/-1/entertainment?Title=Lake-Butler-couple-accused-of-leaving-preschoolers-alone-in-tent&tc=ar

"You Want Crazy? You'll See Crazy!" Crazed NYC Hot Dog Vendor Allegedly Goes Jason Voorhees on Friday the 13th, Hacks Up Rival Hot Dog Man's Mush!

Well it is the home of "Coney Island," after all. And we've seen knife fights fought there over "turf" before. Of course, that was in the movies (1979's The Warriors -- video at bottom) and did not involve Jason Voorhees-like psychotics nor any ballpark franks. And so it is this weekend that we get this crazy story out of the Big Apple concerning a deranged dog-slinger slicing and dicing a "rival bun hustler's" melon like it was a jar of pickle relish (allegedly).

38-year-old victim Houssen Ellaboudiy (pictured 2nd from top) and his older brother Mohammed have been slingin' sausage outside of Manhattan's "tourist friendly" and therefore customer-rich Time Warner Center for the better part of a year. But new to the Center's frankfurter fencin' scene over the past week has been 36-year-old Azmy Mansour of Jersey City. Bad News.

See, it seems Azmy had a bit of a problem with the Ellaboudiy brothers already being there -- make that a big problem, with extra onions. "Frank-incensed," as the venerable New York Post put it.

Perhaps inspired by the 87 movies comprising the Friday the 13th film series (and in particular, Jason Takes Manhattan), Azmy allegedly took to carving up a lot more than just a string of hot dog links this past Friday. Brother Houssen was just beginning to "stoke the charcoal" at the Ellaboudiy brothers' hot dog stand Friday afternoon when all hell broke loose like a Kirsten Baker wilderness stroll in Part 2.



Brother Mohammed says the "crazy man" Azmy began his red hot rampage colder than a coleslaw wiener condiment -- approaching the hot dog stand and letting the expletives fly faster than ketchup packets at a White House Superbowl party (also pictured above):

"The guy [Azmy] just left his cart and said, 'F*cking move, mother f*cker! F*ck you! F*ck your lawyer!' ", recounted brother Mohammed.

Brother Houssen refused to abandon his wienerwurst station, telling the maniacal heel hound, "You're crazy, man!" But that response apparently didn't cut the mustard with hotheaded frump man Azmy, who allegedly shot back at his fellow "bun hustler": "You want crazy? You'll see crazy!"

At least the demented dog dealer was a man of his word, as he proceeded to go crazier than chili, cheese and jalapenos on a Sonic footlong (allegedly). Yep, Azmy immediately brought the "crazy" and then some all over brother Houssen's ass -- turning the brothers' little hot dog stand into Azmy's own personal butcher shop of horrors (allegedly).

Azmy couldn't get his meathooks into Houssen quick enough, brandishing a razor (lucky it wasn't a meat cleaver) that he allegedly used to "slash the face of his weiner nemesis" like it was a sauerkraut sidedish. Said brother Mohammed: "The crazy guy went for my brother -- my brother didn't go after him."

Brother Houssen is now laid up in the hospital this weekend in stable condition (with non-life threatening injuries).

As for his frenzied alleged sausage assailant Azmy -- that crazy freak may have to start carving his weiner in a different kind of shank palace, as cops have hit him up with charges of assault and criminal possession of a weapon.

We can only hope that the icehouse will serve to cool off this razor-ragin' firedog (allegedly) and teach him a thing or two about how to better "relish the competition." And he'd better hope that his roomie there is named Oscar Meyer and not Biker Danny.

http://gawker.com/5801953/two-inadvisable-ways-to-handle-an-argument
http://newyorkpost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/frank_incensed_WRbwjmIxuma2b1vCqIotPP

"You're Throwing Me in the Loony Bin?""Oh Maaan!" Alleged Stalker of Hottie Ivanka Trump Gets Tossed Back in the Ol' Snake Pit...

This maniac is even nuttier than a Donald Trump "birther" theory. Even loonier (if that's a word) than just about any Obama appointment (no small accomplishment).

This psycho's name is Justin Massler, and he's absolutely (and literally) "bonkers for Ivanka" -- Donald Trump's gorgeous daughter Ivanka, that is. And this crazed casanova Massler really knows how to go after a girl.

He reportedly once gifted a picture to Ivanka showing himself drenched in blood, and he also allegedly once tried to flatter Ivanka by threatening to commit suicide in her Madison Avenue jewelry joint. Quite the cuckoo's nest romantic, you might say.

But for all of his best maniacal efforts, the 28-year-old Reno, Nevada native stands accused of stalking Ivanka. And just get a load of some the deranged things this lunatic has to say!

The "wild-eyed" Massler (a diagnosed schizophrenic) was in a New York courtroom this week as he faces the specific charge that he violated an earlier court order by continuing to try to contact Ivanka. His shrinks says he's mentally unfit to stand trial, which was the issue before the judge.

And this madman Massler got the proceedings off to a nice creepy start when he was overheard proclaiming to his lawyer that "extraterrestrials were messing with his head." But this demented whack job was just getting warmed up at that point!

Next he demanded that the judge let him make a statement ("Am I not allowed to make a statement?," he needled to judge). The creep had some things to get off his chest, after all. The following "statement" ensued:

"Well, what it is, is the psychiatric system is corrupt! I'm under supernatural influence. Aliens could have been involved."

In a startling twist, "following Massler's outburst, the prosecution and defense quickly agreed with the psychiatric findings" concerning the loon's unfitness for trial.

The judge also agreed and sent Massler's batty ass right back to the bughouse at Bellevue Hospital. The judge also ruled that this psychopath "should be brought back to court in a year, unless shrinks find that he's fit for trial before then."

The funny thing is that the funny farm and Massler apparently do not mix. Rather than wanting to head back to the nuthouse, he seems to want to wet his beak with a little taste of the hoosegow instead. Silly strange brew!

Specifically, after the judge rendered his ruling, Massler spouted, "So I'm going to the psych ward?" When the judge nodded, a visibly disappointed Massler did his best impersonation of a third grader who just lost his milk money. Said Massler: "Oh, man!"

Which only reinforces the correctness of the judge's decision: Since you really know a man's bananas when he'd prefer a cold cell in the icehouse to a padded room at the booby hatch. "It's unfortunate," spouted Massler's lawyer in the understatement of the new century.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/he_bonkers_for_ivanka_8ueFVSxBTQ2o0sEmZvXwsN
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2011/05/12/2011-05-12_ivanka_trumps_accused_stalker_justin_massler_ordered_back_to_psychiatric_ward_fo.html

Man Falls For Oldest Cannibal Pickup Line in the Book: "If You Let Me Kill You, I'll Be Sure to Eat You." Who Could Resist a Charmer Like That?

You've probably seen one or more of the current genre of "apocalypse" films -- such as The Road and The Book of Eli. There's a big nuclear war, or an asteroid hits the planet, or whatever. Point being, the world's gone to hell in a handbasket and there's hardly any food since (and cover your ears, Michelle Obama) man cannot subsist on tree bark and leaves. So you get these gangs of subhuman slimes who go around hunting humans for food. But at least they can blame the apocalypse. What's the excuse of this cannibal creep in today's news (link at bottom)?:

Cops in Switzerland say a 43-year-old sleazewad there actually took out an advertisement on the Net "seeking someone who would agreed to be killed, cooked and eaten." Even more specifically, the ad "wanted someone would would agree to be put to sleep then killed, cut up, cooked and eaten." ["Put to sleep"? Did this cannibal moonlight as a dog vet in his non-maneating hours?]

And that's not the worst part: Some perverted goof actually responded to the ad and accepted the offer! This potential "dinner guest" says he initially thought the ad and offer were little more than a kinky "macabre fantasy game" -- which apparently turned the guy on. Nothing says mass appeal, after all, better than a little macabre with some direct threats of murder and cannibalism garnished in around the edges.

But oh, those damn pesky changes of heart! The "would-be victim" says he changed his mind about the offer after he started talking in detail on the phone with the 43-year-old cannibal. It was at that point that the potential victim says he first realized the cannibal was "deadly serious" -- literally. And that's to be expected since how could one ever come to that realization by merely reading that advertisement alone?

Apparently not wanting to create one of those dreaded "jilted cannibal" situations, the potential victim didn't outright back out of the "deal" right there on the phone. Instead, he called the cops, who set up a sting operation on the 43-year-old anthropophagist.

As a part of the sting, the cops "sent in an undercover officer posing as the victim . . . to catch the suspected flesh-eater." When the cannibal realized that he wouldn't get a chance to put the cop to sleep, he reportedly turned to less humane devices -- brandishing a gun. The ensuing firefight resulted in both the cannibal and a cop being shot.

And lest there be any doubt, a cop spokesman wants to clear all of that up from the jump: "It appears the man was genuinely seeking to eat someone," confided the spokesman.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3574322/Come-die-with-me.html

Deranged Right-Wingers & Loony Left-Wingers Run Amok, Seek to Form New Leftist 51st State and to Allow Students to Pack Heat in College Classrooms...

They really are devoted to this shit. When they're not busy running the country and its economy into the ground, then their primary devotion is always to turn this into a country that most of us in middle America do not know and do not want to see. And so it is on Tuesday that we get just two more insane examples of the leftist 20 percenters who control the democrat party and deranged right-winger conservatives who control the republicans going apeshit on the country's fringes. If only those fringes didn't control our two political parties. (Links at bottom).

Nothing Says the Need for Concealed Firearm Protection Quite Like a Stuffy College Classroom

Look at these right-winger republicans in Texas, led by goofwad governor Rick Perry (pictured above firing off a pistol like he was Yosemite Sam). To the deranged right-wingers, our right to bear arms (as protected by the Second Amendment) should extend to everything and with no limitations: To them, you should be allowed to carry a concealed firearm, any firearm, any damn place you want and any damn time you want to do so. Just like the old Wild West!

And so we get Texas senate republican lawmakers (with Perry's encouragement) doing their best impersonation of DC leftist 20 percenter lawmakers in 2009 and 2010 and jamming through a measure that would permit the carrying of concealed firearms in Texas college classrooms. Yep, they rammed it right on through, "attaching it to a spending bill after failing to pass it alone." Sure sounds familiar. Can you say health care monstrosity, Black Christmas and Sunday Bloody Sunday?

Of course, goof-job conservative freaks will point to isolated instances such as the Virginia Tech massacre from a few years ago as supposed justification for such a crazy measure. But what about the much more common occurrence of some deranged teen going Columbine in some secondary school? Happens all the time. So why don't we arm high schoolers and middle schoolers too? Likewise, violence much more frequently breaks out in courtrooms and at sporting events. So let's make a law saying I carry a cannon into those places as well?

This is just more out-of-touch right-wing radicalism the like of which does not play at all in middle America and only reinforces my view that while I may completely fear the leftist 20 percenters and what they want to accomplish, I've got no place in my life for the right-wingers or the party they control, either. They can feel free to go f*ck themselves just the same.

Does This Mean the 3 or 4 Non-Leftist 20 Percenters Who Live in San Francisco Can Break Off and Form Their Own 52nd State?

Also in the news Tuesday are leftist 20 percenter loons in southern Arizona who want to break away and form their own 51st state called "Baja Arizona." While they're at it, why don't they go back and re-fight the Civil War, since that was the last time that a new state (West Virginia) successfully broke off from an existing state.

Of course, this kind of talk is just as radical, stupid and crazy as when the right-wingers make noises about breaking entire states (such as Texas) completely away from the union. Wait, I've got an idea:

How about if some of us Independents here in Kansas City take a portion of midtown and break away from Kansas and Missouri and form a new state? We could call it Ragertopia. All we want is a little self-governance, after all. We don't feel our interests are being that well-represented by the deranged-right wingers of Kansas and the loony left-wingers that control Kansas City, Missouri. Give us a new state, damn it! And while you're at it, give us our two U.S. Senators!

Of course, that would be insane. Demented. Reckless. Extreme. In other words, the precise image that I wake up with every day when I look at this once-great country which I scarcely recognize any longer.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/05/10/national/main20061383.shtml
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/liberals-southern-arizona-seek-form-state-130257516.html

"Maybe He Should Buy Flowers Next Time": New York Mom Goes Hardcore Wrestling Match on Dad Who Forgets Mother's Day, Clocks Him on Skull w/ Giant Pot!

Look at this poor dude on the right. He's 28-year-old Charmean Allen, and maybe he can learn a lesson from this: When a mom or baby mama says she doesn't want anything for Mother's Day or says that Mother's Day isn't a big deal, she's lying. And if you take those kinds of statements at face value, you could end up in a world of hurt. Just ask Charmean.

There's no "allegedly" about it. Charmean's baby mama Aretavia Kimbrough (also 28) came right out and admitted it to cops (link at bottom). It all started on Sunday morning, when boyfriend Charmean got a little 7:00 a.m. wakeup call from Aretavia that he wasn't quite expecting. The two have reportedly been "together" for several years and had their first child (a boy) eighth months ago.

Aretaria reportedly got Charmean's sleepy ass up early that morning and demanded to know where her Mother's Day gift was. And cops say she came armed and dangerous, holding sonny in one arm and a big cooking pot ("the kind you cook corn in") in the other. Charmean says he "immediately realized he was in trouble." Ya think?

It seems Charmean had forgotten about Mother's Day and was therefore empty handed in response to mama's inquiry. Bad move, because mama reportedly took to bashing daddy right in the head with the big pot, "leaving him with a 4-inch gash and a big lump on his head."

"I hit him with the pot, and I'm glad I did," Aretavia reporetdly spouted to the cops. Apparently, it wasn't just this isolated incident that set her off: "I've been with him for seven years, and he never bought me nothing!," she said. So when there was no gift on her first Mothers Day as a mama, that was the last straw, it appears.

Now mama may have to toss her pots around in the sort of mess hall they make you visit three times a day when you're not in your cell. That's because when cops showed up at the apartment, they busted Aretavia and took the "crazed-looking" woman to the can even though Charmean did not want to press any charges against his baby mama. She now faces domestic violence charges.

And it seems that mama's little stay in the freezer really messed up her old man's Mother's Day intentions. He now says that he really did plan to get her gifts and take her out that day, but he's been foiled: "I was going to get her balloons and candy and take her to dinner. But I can't take her to dinner because the police aren't releasing her."

As for the loving couple: It could be Splitsville. Said daddy: "She has a little bit of a temper, I'd say. This is probably the end for us." But somehow I doubt that. Not after all that talk about taking mama out and showering her with gifts once she gets out the hoosegow. And forget the balloons and candy: It sounds to me like the very first gift should be a brand new cooking pot.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/staten_island/mother_daze_for_pop_after_lover_wbLBC2SIsneFCjL5ubv5GM

Granny Gamut: Grandmas Allegedly Get Taken For Ride At Funeral Parlor, Graveyard & On Match.com, But Take Revenge in the Motor City...

It's a bad weekend to be a female senior citizen. Or a good weekend, depending on your perspective. The lessons learned: Pick your funeral parlor, your graveyard, and your online love interests very carefully. And if you see any old hags looking like Granny Clampett and running around in Detroit wearing a hat, then real quick-like make a beeline the hell out of there.



Grandma Got Screwed Over By a Funeral Parlor & Graveyard (Allegedly)

He just wanted to lay Granny to rest with some dignity. But instead of a graceful exit to Heaven, Granny got detoured through funeral parlor and graveyard hell (allegedly). That's why Granny's son (Byron Morrow, whom I'll call Sonny) has sued the Taylor funeral parlor and Mount Hope cemetery in Chicago over Granny's "humiliating burial." First off, I want to know who was running these joints, anyway -- Paul Bearer and The Undertaker?



Things got off to a rough start almost from the beginning. Sonny alleges that the funeral parlor first screwed up the embalming of Granny. Imagine going to your grandma's wake and taking a gander inside the casket. She looks so peaceful. They've really made her look good.

But wait. What's that dripping sound? Wait. What's that brown liquid leaking from her skull!?! Jesus! That's formaldehyde! Good God, it wreaks! Where's the damn exit?

Sure enough, that's exactly what Sonny is alleging in the lawsuit: That the zany undertaker at the funeral parlor "improperly embalmed" Granny, "leaving brown liquid leaking from her skull." But at that point, these guys were just getting warmed up and having a "Hell of a Time" (allegedly).



You see, Granny was a rather large woman. There be 230 pounds of Granny, to be precise (not including embalming fluid, although most of that probably leaked out).

So Granny was going to need a (1) super-sized sarcophagus and (2) an extra-large grave site. No problem on the first count. The funeral parlor reportedly rebounded from the scalp-spewing incident and hooked up Granny pretty well on the oversized casket front. But then there was also the little matter of the grave site.

At the graveyard for the funeral, "the grave site ended up being too small for the oversize casket," alleges Sonny. But the Mount Hope cemetery wasn't going to let a little detail like that derail things.

Instead, they allegedly tried to jam the big coffin into the tiny burial space like it was a health care bill on Sunday Bloody Sunday -- which didn't do the coffin or Granny (or America) any favors. Specifically, Sonny alleges that "the gravesite ended up being too small for the oversize casket, and ended up being damaged in an attempt to force it into the grave." That's more offensive than Grandma Sarah herself:



Claiming the family "was humiliated and insulted" as a result of the alleged negligence of the funeral parlor and cemetery, Sonny's lawsuit is looking for over 50 grand in damages. No word yet whether they left Granny jammed down in that little grave or whether she got new death digs somewhere else.

This Grandma Got Run Over by a Slimeball

A different Granny was just looking for a little online love. So the 54-year-old New Zealander hit up Match.com and was quickly "winked" by a "kindly, bearded gentleman" whose profile said he was 55 years old. And "there was something different about this man."





Granny liked that the dude was "down to earth" and wasn't a "fancy" pants. Granny and the man started exchanging e-mails and talking on the phone. He told her sob stories about his ex-wife breaking his heart, his daughter dying, and spending every Valentine's Day at the graveyard.

He also says he's about to retire and open up his own "high end" jewelry joint, but first he's got to go to London on business. Then come the wild stories. He starts to Talk Turkey -- tells her that on his way back, he's stopped off in Dubai to buy diamonds worth $1.9 million for his new jewelry store.



Then the guy claims he got robbed by Somalian gangsters, who took his watch and briefcase (apparently having no interests in the diamonds). He tells Granny that his bank accounts have also been frozen, and so he needs some dough to pay the duty on the diamonds. Granny wires him her entire savings account -- $5400.

Then the guy needs some more money to have a company transfer the diamonds back to New Zealand. He says he is not allowed to carry them himself "because it is too much of a security risk." (This guy has an answer for everything -- nothing Lazy about his Song).



But by now Granny is starting to get suspicious. She calls the man's New Zealand phone number, and it's been disconnected, and the home which is his listed address has been sold. Turns out the guy and everything about him was a fake.

Cops says there's nothing they can do for Granny. While I find that a little difficult to believe, the real wrath here should be aimed at the scuzbucket who took Granny to the cleaners.

Only the most rotten and sleazy creep would try to scam a grandmother through a dating site. Whomever this guy was, I'm certain he's got a reservation waiting in that underground diamond mine that burns 1000 degrees year round.



Grannies Strike Back in Motown!

You can only push these grannies around for so long before they start to push back. Cops in Detroit are on the trail of a gang of Grannies known as the "Mad Hatters" (pictured at the very top from surveillance photos).

The calling card of these five Grannies is that they nearly always wear "hats of various colors and shapes" when they steal money, checks and credit cards from distracted shoppers from one side of Detroit Rock City to the other.



And the take for this little Senior Syndicate has been incredible. Cops estimate the Grannies' "ill-gotten bounty may approach $500,000"! The Grannies reportedly use the checks and credit cards to get as much money as they can out of the bank and also to purchase merchandise.

Cops "surmise that the genial appearance" of the Grannies "is helping them to pull off the caper." Put another way, "shoppers, banks and retailers tend not to suspect that the grandmotherly woman in a floppy white hat standing in front of them is a cold-hearted crook."

Why take the risk of knocking over a gas station or pulling a bank job, after all, when you can just swipe your score from the purse of Gretchen Soccer Mom while she tries to decide between the bratwurst and the braunschweiger. No weapons, no violence, no small p-o-t-a-t-o-e(-s).



Now if the Mad Hatter Grannies could just go Robin Hood and turn over some of that "bounty" to repay the Kiwi Granny who's out her savings and to compensate the family of the Chicago granny who got jammed into the ground with a leaky melon (allegedly): Hell, the Mad Hatters would still have almost $450,000 left over!

http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2011/05/06/man-sues-funeral-home-over-mothers-humiliating-burial/

http://www.bayofplentytimes.co.nz/have-your-say/news/grandmother-duped-in-dating-scam/3950969/
http://www.detnews.com/article/20110506/METRO03/105060381/1413/METRO04/Cops-on-trail-of-%E2%80%98Mad-Hatters%E2%80%99