Can Finally Take My Shithouse Off 24-7 Lockdown: Denver Cops Say They've Nabbed the Notorious "Crapper Scrapper" Toilet Burglar.What a Load Off!

I've heard of pulling bank jobs and knocking over gas stations -- but this guy allegedly confined his heists to the head. And is there anything more scary? I can find a new bank. There are plenty of gas joints. But how I gonna function without a properly working shithouse?

And as such we come to the greatest American heroes of this week: Denver's Finest. They say they've flushed 48-year-old plumber Allen Citron (pictured above) for a string of up to 18 or more crapper burglaries that have garnered the moniker "Crapper Scrapper" for this alleged toilet toolin' freak.

I mean, this character apparently never met a shitter he didn't like. Cops say his stinky crime spree "left public toilets across Denver stripped of valuable parts worth more than $6,000." This privy pilferer even allegedly hit the washroom down at a local hospital just so that he could pick off some pipes and valves and hawk the score at the nearest scrap metal dealer.

And cops say that what really stinks to high Heaven about these capers is that Citron would only get peanuts for the spare sudatorium parts, while it would cost the burgled joints thousands of dollars to repair the rifled water closets.

But now Citron may have to pull his next powder room piece of work in the community con crappers down in the can, since he now faces 18 burglary and theft charges stemming from his alleged shitter spree. He did chose wisely, however, in not bumping over any shithouses down Alabama and Mississippi way -- where owl jobbin' an outhouse might garner a man the death penalty.

http://denver.cbslocal.com/2012/03/16/police-arrest-suspect-dubbed-the-crapper-scrapper/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2116887/Thief-dubbed-Crapper-Scrapper-stealing-parts-public-toilets-arrested-police-say.html

"It Seemed to Work": Teacher Tries to Cool Off 2 Students Who Were "Kissing and Hugging" in the Hall by Splashing The Pair with a Big Bucket of Water!

This'll teach 'em not to try stealing a smoocheroo down outside the Home Ec room!!! And ol' Teach apparently couldn't be more proud of himself for this piece of work...

The whole agua incident (links at bottom) went down after Teach (an unnamed male teacher at a Nashville, Tennessee's John Overton High School) spied a 16-year-old and 17-year-old hugging and (allegedly) smoochin' out in a school hallway. That's against school rules, you know.

Of course, Teach could've always told the touchin' twosome to stop. Or to go their separate ways (worlds apart). Or even to make a beeline to the principal's office. But why take any of those rather mundane, cliched courses of action when you can make a much bigger splash through alternative correctional methods?

So Teach reportedly grabbed the nearest big bucket of water (which always seem to be lying around high school hallways) and tossed its contents right on the kissin' school kids as they stood there in each other's embrace. (No word whether Teach might have shouted, "Now You're All Wet!", after delivering the dousing).

Having gotten the touchy tandem more wet than a shithouse built out on a Mississippi jetty, Teach still seemed none too remorseful in commenting on the incident after the fact on Facebook (since, of course, if you're in trouble with an employer or the law, Facebook is always the first place you should head to talk about it). Said Teach:

"I got in trouble at school today. I threw a bucket of water on two kids hugging in the hallway of the high school where I plan to send my oldest daughter next year. It seemed to work and they stopped."

Mission Accomplished, indeed. Except in the eyes of the school (Teach's been suspended). And except in the eyes of the two teens and their parents (who are all reportedly enraged).

One parent, doing her best Elephant Man impersonation, said Teach had no business treating Sonny and his teen broad like a domesticated pet: "They are not dogs. That is what you do to dogs, and they are not animals!"

Mama also says Sonny is positively "raging" over the incident. I just hope the boy ain't trying to bottle all that up inside. Head to Facebook, young man! Let 'em all know whatcha think, just like ol' Teach did! (I need my next blog topic, after all.)

http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2012/03/13/teacher-suspended-after-throwing-bucket-of-water-over-hugging-kids/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2113940/Teacher-suspended-throwing-bucket-water-teens-caught-kissing-school-hallway.html

Obama Reelect 2012's New Strategy: Scare People By Talking About Now Irrelevant gop-ers -- Even If They're Long Dead!

I get the whole leftist 20 percenter world view thing that most people are stupid and should be treated as such. But are most people really THIS stupid? That's my reaction to the past week, when (1) an Obama ad has tried to scare people with the past statements of the now largely irrelevant right-winger buffoon Sarah Palin (is this 2008?) and (2) Obama even took time to blast one Rutherford B. Hayes -- a gop-er president in the late 1870s! (Links at bottom).

Given this apparent new strategy, I'm gonna give my best predictions on where Obama and the leftist 20 percenters are going to go next with this line of lunacy. I can see, for example, upcoming campaign ads and presidential talking points along the following lines with respect to some very scary and highly relevant deranged right-wingers in 2012:

-Herman Cain: This guy is dead and buried as a viable candidate for just about any office in the future, but let's not let that stop us. Ad could say, "Vote republican -- and vote for a man like this who couldn't tell a Libya from his latest broad of the month."

-Clint Eastwood: "This known right-winger and gop-er sympathizer once appeared in a movie in which he made light of birth control by referring to a man by the name, 'prophylactic' -- now his party wants to ban your birth control."

-Pat Buchanan: The hook here is that he was once an also-ran presidential candidate. Ad could say, "republicans say you should fire President Obama, but just last month MSNBC had to fire this controversial former republican presidential candidate -- ask yourself, would MSNBC EVER fire Barack Obama?"

-Dan Quayle: Let's trot out his old potato misspelling and the dressing down that Lloyd Bentsen gave him in the 1988 vice presidential debate. Ad could say, "Look at this Fool -- this is the sort of choice that republicans offer you for the White House -- Tell them no."

-William F. Buckley Jr. (died 2008): Ad could say, "Before republicans ever even tried to put President Obama in their crosshairs, they had this radical right-winger out there putting democrats on the Firing Line -- Say yes to civility; say no to the republicans."

-Barry Goldwater (1964 gop-er presidential candidate; died 1998): "His great, great, great grandson says that 'Mr. Conservative' would today endorse Mitt Romney -- vote against Barry Goldwater; reelect Barack Obama."

-Chester A. Arthur (gop-er president in the 1880s; died 1886): "One of the most procrastinating and fattest fat-cat presidents in American history -- now his modern day gop-er fatty twin, Chris Christie, endorses Mitt Romney -- tell the right-wingers to lose some weight; vote to reelect President Obama."

http://www.politico.com/politico44/2012/03/obama-knocks-rutherford-b-hayes-117572.html
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/03/obama-team-raises-money-with-palin-ad/1#.T2Kq9sUge68

They Picked the Wrong Year to Start Coaching Kids' Basketball: Coaches Take Beatdown, Lose an Ear, Out on the Damn Hardwood!

Coachin' them kids: A thankless job in so many ways -- especially when parents and opposing coaches beat the living hell out of ya or try to gnaw your ear off just for doing your job.

And so it is that we have two crazy stories this week from the world of teenage basketball coaching, where (1) a Massachusetts coach allegedly got his ear bit off by an opposing coach for having the gall of winning and (2) a coach in Indiana allegedly got his face beaten to a pulp by one player's old man after coach made the player run some laps (links at bottom). Let the cage carnage begin...

1. Doling Out More Than Just an Earful After the Big Loss

It was the 6th Grade CYO League's "championship game," damn it! And some coaches just don't like it any too much when the opposing team has the nerve of such crass behavior as, for example, winning the big game.

So 34-year-old Timothy Lee Forbes of Springfield, Massachusetts (pictured immediately below) reacted just as one might expect after losing the league championship game -- "he attacked the winning team's coach and bit off his ear" (allegedly)! Yep, it was an ear, all right.

Cops say this apparent Blue Velvet, Mike Tyson-wannabe Forbes scurried the hell out of Dodge before they could arrive, although he now stands charged with "assault and battery and mayhem." Meantime the other coach must not feel like much of a winner right about now, but at least he was able to get that ear reattached. No harm, no foul?

2. Hows About I Run a Lap All Over Your Damn Face?!?

Do not try to coach this man's daughter. You can think about it. But D-O-N'-T DO IT! Lest you wish to have the old man pound your face into a mud hole (allegedly)...

Michigan City, Indiana elementary school basketball coach Jeffrey Yackus reportedly just wanted to teach one of his girl players that it ain't OK to fight in practice. So Yackus made the little alleged female brawler run some laps after the incident. Wrong move.

Cops say that once the girl's old man (the below-pictured Shelly S. Miller) got wind of those extra wind sprints, he flew into a rage and raced right down to that school to teach the ol' Coacher a lesson!

First, this pugilist papa allegedly clocked Coach one right in the kisser, knocking Yackus to the floor. But since Miller apparently felt that knocking out Coach hardly made up for all those laps his little girl had to run, Miller then allegedly leaped on top of the helpless coach and savagely beat him in the face (just for good measure) until another coach intervened.

But now this fightin' father may have to look for his next bout down at the local hoosegow, since he faces a felony battery charge. But I betcha for darn sure that no man will ever, EVER make his girl run another lap around the gym again.

http://www.ksdk.com/news/article/309799/28/Angry-dad-Timothy-Lee-Forbes-attacks-youth-coach-then-bites-ear-off
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2012/03/father-beats-up-daughters-elementary-school-coach/1#.T1_3NcUge68
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2114471/Father-faces-assault-charge-knocking-daughters-basketball-coach-forced-run-laps.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2114377/Losing-high-school-coach-bites-rivals-ear.html

Oops: Young Punks Nearly Burn Down Historic Medieval Castle While Trying "to Smoke Their First Cigarette" (Allegedly)!

It's the Krasna Horka castle in Slovakia, and the historic 14th Century compound has long been home to numerous "priceless antiques and works of art." So naturally, it's the first place a couple of little shits would think of when trying to find a joint in which to light up their first smoke, right? Or not. (Please do the world a favor, cops, and keep these punks away from the Eiffel Tower and the Great Pyramid next time)...

Slovak cops say these two butt-loving brats (only 11 and 12 years old) sneaked onto the castle grounds in order to perform a little "experiment with smoking." But those efforts went up in smoke, cops say, when the tokin' twosome carelessly disposed of their matches, which "sparked" quite the raging, flaming scene faster than an office smoke break.

Cops say the smoke and fire tore through the old castle in minutes, ultimately "gutting" the structure despite the best efforts of more than 80 firefighters. On the bright side, a majority of the castle's art work was able to be evacuated and saved by frantic caretakers.

And in case you think these two smokin' striplings will have to suck down their next cancer stick inside the local hoosegow or Juvy, think again: The linked article says that "children under 15 cannot be prosecuted in Slovakia" [for anything???]. Talk about mixed smoke signals to the little tikes. Might as well roll another smoke and fire up them coffin nails, boys! Ain't nothing stoppin' ya.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/11/krasna-horka-fire-smoking-children-slovakia-castle_n_1337606.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2113802/Kosice-Slovakia-Children-burn-14th-century-castle-cigarette.html

[Postscript: Kids -- Never smoke cigarettes or chew tobacco.]

Leave the Bums Alone! Hobo Couple in Connecticut Arrested & in Hot Water for Allegedly Having Sex in Public on a Park Stage...

Where else are they gonna do the dirty deed?!?

THEY HAVE NO HOME!!!


http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2012/03/07/homeless-couple-arrested-for-having-sex-on-stage-at-danbury-green/

Big Balls or Small Brains? Man Brags Up His Bank Jobs Even BEFORE Committing Them: "Fucking Bank!"

It's one way that a lot of crimes get solved: The fool perpetrator is so proud of himself after the fact that he just GOTS to tell someone! But this has to be the first time I've heard of a criminal boasting about his dirty deeds before even knocking over the joints!

24-year-old Jesse Hippolite (a/k/a Willie Sutton Jr.) (pictured above) of the Big Apple pleaded guilty to three bank jobs late last week and reportedly admitted in court to patting himself on the back on Facebook even before hittin' the bricks to go pull the heists.

Hippolite is reportedly also a suspect in 16 bank capers in addition to the three he admitted, and it sounds like this "dopey delinquent" just couldn't bring himself to go out on a piece of work until he could first take to Facebook to blow his own horn about the job. Some of his top Facebook blasts (and my reactions) include:

(1) "What If We All Got Fed Up With This Recession and Started Running Inside Every Fucking Bank to Give Us The Money That Belong To Us???" [TIR: Uh, anarchy and the end of modern civilized society, for starters? Or am I just being obtuse over here?]

(2) "I Wanna Promote a Heist ... Who Wit It???" [TIR: More of a jewel man, myself -- plus bank jobs involve too many funny hats]

(3) "Crime pays my bills!" [TIR: Why even pay your bills? Just run inside every fucking creditor and demand they give you their money that belong to you]

(4) "I Gotta Get That $$$$$ Man!!!!" [TIR: Not merely four dollar signs, mind you, but the Big Enchilada 5-Pack Panoply! Fatman Mark Mangino would offer up a full bear claw salute!]

But alas, now Hippolite is gonna have to do his boasting from the confines of the hoosegow for a long time to come, as he faces up to three score years in the local freezer. Wonder If He Wid It?

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/queen-man-called-willie-sutton-jr-facebook-pleads-guilty-bank-robberies-article-1.1034248
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2111488/Robber-bragged-Facebook-bank-heists-BEFORE-committed-admits-crimes-court.html

Papa Johns(on)? Middle School Teacher In Trouble After Students Find Her Past Pizza-Lovin' Porn Videos Online!

So THAT's why her breath always reeked of a meat lovers' pie! Broad really loved the ol' hand-tossed! As reported this week in the legendary SmokingGun.com (link at bottom), a Cali middle school teacher has now had her future sliced eight ways after her students reportedly discovered a series of porn flicks online in which Teach gets further down in the dough than a Godfather's pizza cutter...

Some of the videos reportedly show 31-year-old Stacie Halas (pictured above & below) and her sizable onions inviting into her pad a pizza delivery man from the "Big Sausage Pizza" joint -- where else, right?!? Then (as shown above), "instead of accepting a tip from Stacie, the delivery man opens the pizza box and -- surprise! -- offers her a tip of his own."

That second tip was accepted (and then some), apparently, because then "the duo engaged in a variety of sexual acts on the couch of Halas's apartment." No word whether Teach doled out an "B" or an "F" (or both) to the brazen meat pie man before he headed back to the pizza parlor with a stupid grin on his face.

But regardless, and leaving aside the whole issue of how and why these little teenage punk students are getting access to online porn, their little porn discovery over the past week has placed Teach on indefinite leave and has "removed her from the classroom."

Yeah, that's just great: Teach at home with nothing better to do than to get "Big Sausage Pizza" on the blower again. Must we enable and encourage this chesty pepperoni popper?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/teacher-stars-in-porn-768912

Instead of Securing the Shitter, They Secured the Little Shits: Workers Allegedly Use Caution Tape to Tie Up Grade School Boys in the Turlet!

They were just "horsing around," say a plumber and another maintenance worker in New Jersey following the shitty incident late last week. And it's difficult not to believe them, what with hog-tying little kids always being a regular barrel of laughs.

This teasing twosome apparently had a big bundle of "CAUTION" tape which they were supposed to use to block off the Gregory Elementary School shithouse while the two of them worked on repairing it. But why put a good gaggle of yellow tape to waste on menial purposes when so much more fun can be had?!? Better to just throw Caution to the wind...

So these joking janitors reportedly went to work, and I don't mean on a faulty flusher. When four little grade school tots (all under 10) entered that crapper, they quickly became wrapped up in a lot more than just a little bathroom break.

The school says the two john jokers -- who claim they were just "having fun" -- used the caution tape to tie up the four lads like a pack of steers in the rodeo. And get this: Since the school and prosecutors say they've found no indication of physical or sexual assault in this little plumbing "prank," no charges have yet been filed.

But these two powder-room picadors haven't exactly gotten off Scot-free, as they've both reportedly been suspended from their jobs. And now a wave of "devastation" has purportedly landed on everyone connected with this incident...

First, one parent of the kids described the event as a "devastating" one for the kids. And not to be outdone, the two washroom wiseguys got in on the act as well, as a source told NBC New York that they're "devastated" too! I just want to know if the shithouse feels "devastated" as well, since I betcha them repairs STILL haven't been done?!?

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Long-Branch-Gregory-Elementary-Students-Bound-Janitors-Tape-Bathroom-141352113.html

Sharing More in Common Than Just Being the Two Worst Presidents of My Lifetime: W's Neo-Con Twin Now Wants to Get Involved in Syria!

With the news today that the individual we currently have as president is pushing for us to get involved helping out the rebellion in Syria (link at bottom), we see yet again (as in Libya) W Bush-like neo-conservatism rearing its ugly head. And I thunk that under Obama, at least, those days of getting involved in other countries' affairs and trying to effect regime change were over when W the assclown retired to his ranch in Texas at the end of 2008?!? How completely naive of me.

But also as with Libya, what really gets my goat is the absolute hypocrisy of the American leftist 20 percenters on this issue. If the neo-con president has an "R" next to his name, those loony freaks will take to the streets in droves to protest foreign involvements. But if a slimeball president instead has a "D" next to his name, they will not only remain silent (hear the crickets chirping from the leftists and their "mainstream" media on this Syria story today), but they will also actually try to defend that so-called president's neo-con course of action to the end (just wait for that the rest of this week)!

The deranged right-winger gop-ers, of course, are little different -- defended W on all his half-ass foreign incursions, but then look to find fault with all of Obama's. I often ask myself: How do these leftists and right-wingers sleep? But I guess they sleep just fine the same way as any garden variety inmate down at the loony bin: A dash of simple-mindedness, combined with a punch of brainwashedness, topped off with a heavy dose of just being plain demented.

http://thecable.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2012/03/06/obama_administration_moves_to_aid_syrian_opposition

Bad Messaging: Hapless Hollywood Hobos Seek Coin with Pitches Dumber Than the Hollywood Stars Upon Which They Sleep!

I GET the whole mindless group-think leftist thing going on in Hollywood when it comes the actors, actresses, directors and producers. But apparently that lack of Independent intelligence has even gone so far as to trickle down to the less fortunate of Tinseltown society -- The Hobos. Or put another way, these bums really need a new PR consultant (see picture at the top)...

"Spare $ For Beer"?!? "Booze - Change"?!? See, here in the mainstream of America, the great Midwest, our tramps are far more advanced and intelligent. Sure, a lot of your donations to them will be going for booze, but they'd NEVER trumpet that fact! They're not STUPID, after all!

Here, our Hobos actually have an ounce of respect for their marks. "Haven't Eaten For Days, Spare $ Appreciated" is a common sign theme. Or, they'll come up to ya and swear, with the highest level of sincerity, that as little as 5 bucks can keep them eating for 5 days. No booze references -- since they're not dumb, and they know we aren't either. Which is a pretty sad indictment of L.A./Hollywood on both sides of the equation, truth be told.

Postscript: Here in Cowtown, I'm like the best and worst mark all rolled into one for these Hobos. I often can be cajoled into giving them everything I'm holding at that moment. Only problem: I rarely carry more 5 bucks at any given time. I hate cash, since I hate getting coin change back. I'm a debit card man, even for charges running less than a buck or two. But as for the bum who hit me with that "5 bucks/5 days" line recently -- he got his 5 all right, but I betcha he didn't get them 5 days. Hope he at least got a 40 for a little momentary distraction.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2109006/Hollywoods-dark-underbelly-Beyond-glitz-glam-Oscars-homeless-struggle-survive.html

No Country for Non-Extremists: Leftist 20 Percenters Raise a Ruckus About Alleged "Moderate" democrat Bob Kerrey Running for Senate. Can't Have That!

It's the latest example of how our two pathetic political parties have little place in their ranks for much of anyone except for devout leftists and staunch right-wingers: democrat party partisan Bob Kerrey of Nebraska (pictured above) wants to run for his old U.S. Senate seat, and leftist 20 percenters are up in arms over that intolerable situation! (Link to full story at bottom).

I recall Kerrey from his prior Senate days in the 1990s, and I never really considered him much of a "centrist." He was distinctly to the left, but I suppose you could toss the amorphous term "moderate" Kerrey's way since he really wasn't a leftist 20 percenter (i.e. that little minority swath of the population that controls the democrat party and describes itself as proudly "liberal" or "progressive"), either.

Regardless, much like the base of the gop-er party shits all over any gop-er not considered sufficiently and rigidly "conservative," the leftist 20 percenters do not at all like the notion of "moderate" Kerrey running for Senate -- even if he gives the democrat party the best chance of retaining that seat in the land of corn, fish fries, bug eaters and polkas.

Just check out this blast from creepy leftist 20 percenter slimeball and frequent "mainstream" media political pundit Markos "Anton Chigurh" Moulitsas (pictured immediately above) from his leftist propaganda website, DailyKos.com: "I hope he [Kerrey] gets carpet bombed . . . And if it turns out he needs [our] help, then too bad. Fuck him!" Nothing says "big tent" political party quite like that!

Politico.com likewise reports that "in the liberal blogosphere . . . Kerrey's comeback bid was lambasted [this week] as the return of yet another mushy moderate. The online left says it won't lift a finger for him -- and in some cases, it's even rooting against Kerrey." That big tent just keeps 'a growin'!

Yep, this is the democrat party and republic partisan party of 2012: We're stuck with them, and only them, as a choice, and yet they've both evolved so far to the left and right that they represent only minority slivers of the American population anymore. In case you wonder why I strike out both their names on the box at the top of this blog -- there you have it.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0312/73561.html

"Market Likes Gridlock." Rager Like Gridlock Too. Intrade.com Says to Expect More Gridlock After the 2012 Elections, Which Is Just Fine with Me...

As stated in the linked article this week from CNBC (home of bosomy news babe Amanda Drury, who's pictured at bottom): It's a common Wall Street maxim that "Market likes gridlock." Why, you might ask? "This way, a single party can't mess it up." A-Freakin'-Men...

As I've said before, I NEVER in my life want to see again what we saw in 2009 and part of 2010: One of these two rotten, corrupt, out-of-touch, extreme-controlled political parties having complete control of the federal government (i.e. the presidency and supermajorities in the House and Senate). That was damn scary.

Gridlock is good. Gridlock is your friend.

Hail, Hail, Gridlock-and-Roll!

And expect plenty more of it in upcoming years. The linked article points to Intrade.com's current predictions for this year's elections, which currently have (1) Obama's reelection chances at 60% (personally, I'd say more like 52-53%) and (2) the gop-ers' chances as highly likely of retaining control of at least one chamber of Congress (if not both).

Put another way: The chances are very slim of either party having control of the presidency and both chambers of Congress. And even if that remote contingency occurred, it almost certainly would not have one party controlling Congress with the types of supermajorities necessary (as we saw in 2009 and 2010) to foist through massive pieces of unpopular leftist or right-winger legislation (see, e.g., Obama & the democrat party's health care Monstrosity).

So, as famous law enforcement officer Roscoe T. Coletrain might say: "Good News, Good News!"

[Oh yeah right, here's Mandy!:]

http://www.cnbc.com/id/46556820