Maybe the Red Mohawk, Piercings & Spider Tat Should've Been Her 1st Clue: Man Allegedly Ditches Date in Middle of Movie, Then Boosts Her Car Outside!

He obviously hated the movie. Not to mention her company. But he damn sure liked that car. At least she had that going for her. But her taste in men might use a tad of refining...

For some reason, the 35-year-old Tampa, Florida woman agreed to accompany the pictured Michael Pratt (27 years old) on a movie date. Maybe she's blind and thought he was a seeing-eye dog? Regardless, she agreed, and the two headed for the local cinema.

Half way through the picture, however, the woman says Pratt made a beeline straight for the exits, using as a subterfuge some lame excuse about needing to go outside. He never returned.

At that news, you'd think this broad would've been throwing a little celebration right there in the movie house. But she says was actually concerned about Pratt's welfare and therefore tried to give him a ring on the ol' blower.

Pratt answered the call and -- being ever the zany prankster -- allegedly started laughin' it up. His reported punch line before hanging up: "I've stolen your car!" With funny lines like that, I'd suspect Pratt was employing Obama's speechwriter if I didn't know better.

And you know, if you're gonna swipe someone's ride, you'd think one would at least want to get something out of it for himself. Maybe fence it off on the street. Or send it straight to the chop shop.

But nothing doin' like that here. Instead, cops say Pratt abandoned the 2012 Ford Focus (which was actually a rental car) in a Wal-Mart parking lot, where cops found it.

Now this alleged car poachin' Pratt-ster faces a Grand Theft Auto IV charge and a bit in the Big House in exchange for his little joyride (allegedly). But at least he did get a good laugh out of the whole caper (allegedly). Laughter's good for the troll.

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/nation/fla-man-accused-of-stealing-car-during-movie-2035716.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2075147/Michael-Pratt-takes-girl-cinema-slips-mid-film-steal-car.html

Oh Deer! Florida Woman Allegedly Carves Up Her Old Man with a Pair of Damn Deer Antlers -- And Right in Front of Their Fawn!

[Preface: I wrote the intro line "Oh Deer" before seeing the UK Daily Mail's identical headline. Therefore, I'm keepin' it. On to the story...]

This is what I'd call a bona fide herbivore creature hardcore match between the old man and the old lady. Started off with Baby Daddy (Terry Nowakowski of Zephyrhills, Florida) stepping out of his and Baby Mama's joint to get on the blower with his new girlfriend right out there on the porch.

Bad move, since the old lady (23-year-old Chelsea Harrison; pictured above) reportedly promptly locked the old man's ass out the house in order to serve him a little Humble Pie. Then all hell broke loose:

First the old man says he tried to re-enter the home by taking the screen off the window. Sounds like a decent plan on its face, but when he stuck that big deer snout inside the winder, he claims the old lady clocked him one right the damn kisser!

And since at that point ringing the doorbell seemed eliminated as any kind of reasonably viable option, the old man says he naturally took the only logical next step: Breaking the freakin' door down! But much like the Mr. T Clubber Lang character in the old film Rocky III, this freak's old lady had a lotta more! A lotta more! (Allegedly)

After he stepped through the broken-down door lookin' like a deer in the headlights, Nowakowski's old lady allegedly came at Baby Daddy with a big giant set of deer antlers on a mounted deer head that she had ripped down from a wall or something!

And this venison broad did some real damage with them horns (and then some) (allegedly). In short, the old lady allegedly sliced up her old man's face with those antlers like a white-tailed machete through deer sausage!

Particularly, the Baby Mama allegedly "began striking him in the face and body with ends of the antlers" until she was so pooped that she couldn't keep her grip on that impromptu barbaric weapon any longer (finally losing "her grip and dropping" that big rack on the floor).

Witness Number One to all this butchery? None other than the couple's little 3-year-old deer fawn. That's just sick. Act like some sort of nefarious Neanderthal-reindeer cross-breed all you want, slimeballs and scuzwads of the world, but keep the kids out of it for chrissakes, you sleazejackets.

Regardless, cops say they found the old man's face looking like a jigsaw puzzle with several pieces carved out (I'd personally prefer to have just a couple of pieces gone). So cops busted the old lady's dirty hooves for domestic battery and offered her a free deer stand down in the hole.

I just hope she thought to smuggle a beam from them antlers inside with her. Since after all, a good shank a day (even in the ladies lockup) can help keep many a big buck away. Just watch out ya don't go over your limit.

http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/crime/deputies-zephyrhills-woman-jabbed-ex-with-antlers/1206265

Is This So Wrong? Florida Hobo Gets Himself a Sweet Pedicure, Even If a Stolen Credit Card Was Allegedly Involved...

They should cut these tramps a bit of slack every now and then. Sure, paying for goods or services rendered with a stolen credit card is never a good thing. But C'mon! I bet this bum hasn't felt so good since they cut off the free eats down at the local "occupy" protest...

He's 27-year-old vagrant Jonah Lee Troutman (pictured above), and apparently this wanderer's toe nail hygiene ain't been exactly the best lately. Since why else would this nomad allegedly blow a stolen credit card on a pedicure rather than loading up on smokes, eats or 40-ouncers?

In short, he must have felt he really needed that foot job. And I'm actually sympathetic over here. How many stories do we read about these hobos lifting copper from anything possible and pulling frauds (sometimes of the credit card variety) just to get their drink or drugs on?

The fact that one of these vagabonds would instead (allegedly) take the opportunity to get a little hoof love raises a genuine smile on my face. Plus just think: The damn BALLS on this bindlestiff!

For the record, this stinkpot's little left-turn into the lap of luxury finally went awry (allegedly) when the credit card was declined up at the counter at Nancy's Nails in Tampa. Troutman reportedly told cops that he found the card out on the street and felt that "finding it was a blessing from God."

While I personally think the best law enforcement measure here would have been to tell this floater to get the hell out of Dodge and never show his face around there again, cops still busted his Rum Dum ass with charges of illegal credit card use and petty theft, garnering him a one-way ticket to the hoosegow. At least he'll get his own foot locker down there.

http://tampa.cbslocal.com/2011/12/14/cops-homeless-man-used-stolen-credit-card-to-pay-for-pedicure/

They Could've at Least Taken It Into the Shithouse: Canadian Couple Copulates on Subway Train, Gets Tossed Off, Then Finishes the Job on the Platform!

I've heard of babes ridin' the gravy train, but this is absolutely ridiculous. Passengers aboard a Canadian subway train this week say a "lusty couple" started goin' at it and having sex right there on a moving train car while "horrified" riders looked on. (Links to full story at bottom)

When a train guard got wind of these light rail sexcapades, he promptly enforced the no-tolerance policy that the train apparently has for couples who yank the Johnson bar right there on the train -- booting their two bumping bare asses offboard faster than Indian scalps White Man on "Hell On Wheels." Not even so much as a polite "tickets please"!

But even though the guard thought his heavy-handed move "had pulled the brakes on [the couple's] sexual liaisons," these two sick rail pumpers weren't about to lose their train of thought. So the dude starts bangin' this broad right there on the damn train platform! (As pictured above and below).

A railway spokesman says these two midnight train missionaries may have been "extremely intoxicated" during the event, although I have no idea what would lead him to conclude that. And the spokesman further took great pains to justify the train's rather rash action of tossing a couple of people having sex right off the ride:

"We took the action we did because children ride the subway. We can't have people in engaging in sexual activity on the subway system . . . No matter what your background is, it is not appropriate to have sex this way."

Glad he cleared that up. Meantime cops busted the sick train tandem on charges of engaging in a lewd act in public. I just hope this drunken dame's train ain't running late when it gets to that time next month.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/12/couple-caught-on-video-having-sex-in-toronto-subway/1?csp=34news

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2073656/Couple-thrown-Toronto-subway-having-sex-finish-job-platform.html

Brace, America, for the WORST Presidential Choice Offered Up By These Two Pathetic Parties in American History!

Looking for some pithy thought to offer up on Twitter last night, it suddenly hit me like a ton of damn bricks: The 2012 presidential choice that's about to be served up by the loony leftist 20 percenter democrat party and deranged right-winger republic partisan party will likely be the WORST choice ever offered in American history...

That's based on a likely match up of Obama versus either Romney or Gingrich. This country has absolutely been driven into the ground the past 12 years by the most rotten presidential choices ever offered up by these two shameful parties (Bush/Gore, Bush/Kerry, McCain/Obama), but 2012 completely threatens to take the proverbial cake:

1. Obama. 'Nuf said. But I'll say a little more for good measure: He's perhaps the most left-wing president in American history, and certainly during my lifetime. A paranoid, arrogant, condescending, radical doctrinaire, incompetent, shell of a pathetic president. One of the two worst presidents of my lifetime along with W Bush -- and I lived through Carter. As stated: 'Nuf said.

2. Romney. This fool couldn't stand for scrambled eggs if they were promptly served to him after he'd just ordered 'em. In short, he stands for absolutely nothing. The ultimate political opportunist. A Slick Willie Clinton-type but without nearly as many of Clinton's exceptional political skills (even if Clinton was a complete sleazebucket). Romney makes me sick.

3. Gingrich. The ultimate political (and human) SLIMEBALL. He embraces Romney's same strong trait of flip-floppin' around more often than John Kerry on a swift boat, but takes things even one scuzball step further by having more personal baggage in his closet than a Herman Cain/Kim Kardashian reality series. Cheating on and divorcing two wives while they were sick doesn't sit too well with Independents, nor much of any other decent human being for that matter. Gingrich is the consummate gop-er political has-been -- and big fat old guy looking to resurrect his disgraceful political career with a lot of hollow contrition and good debate sound bites. But Sorry, Slimeball -- We Ain't Buyin'.

And so there you have it. I'll be voting third party for president in 2012, same as I always have in every presidential election of my lifetime except for one (the one exception, as stated before: When a young, dumb, brainwashed Rager was hoodwinked into voting for that democrat party slug, Clinton, in 1992).

I refuse to choose between a lesser of two evils like these two corrupt, disgraceful parties want us to do. The only difference in 2012: The choice they're trying to foist upon us this time is the WORST one they've ever even tried to muster up. Which is very much saying something, as referenced above. As I like to say, G-F-Y democrat party and republic partisans. Gotta problem with that?

They Even Call Him Mr. Johnson: Married, Anti-Gay Marriage gop-er Politician Donates Sperm to Lesbian Couple & Eight Other Women!

Methinks this deranged right-wing freak wants to plant his seed just a little too hard. He's named Bill's Johnson (what else?), and he was a republic partisan candidate for Alabama governor in 2010 AD. He purports to oppose gay marriage just like Obama, but you wouldn't know that after he hypocritically donated his sperm to a lesbian duo in New Zealand. And that ain't even the half of it...

Bill's Johnson also donated sperm to try to knock up eight additional women, and three of them (including one of said lesbians) are reportedly already pregnant (while several others wait to see if they have a Johnson bun in the oven). Bill's Johnson has admitted to the sperm donations, BTW. (Link to full story at bottom).

And before you say that Bill's Johnson was just being charitable with some women in need of a little sperm injection, there's a big problem here: This 52-year-old gop-er fool has a wife back in Alabama (pictured above), along with three stepkids (from his wife's prior marriage; family picture below) and a step-grandson.

Not to mention, his wife and family reportedly had no knowledge of Bill's Johnson's little sperm fury, while the Kiwi ladies knew little or nothing about Mr. Johnson's family back home. This included Mr. Johnson allegedly not wearing a wedding ring while in New Zealand and telling one Kiwi that his marriage "was not an issue."

Meantime Bill's Johnson's wife Kathy (pictured above and unable to have children with Mr. Johnson due to a pre-marriage hysterectomy) is reportedly "shocked, furious and heartbroken," as well as "silent and empty," about Mr. Johnson's decision to "choose to turn to other women to provide what I can't."

For his part, Bill's Johnson is claiming he just wanted to have some kids of his own, which begs an obvious question: Then why in the hell did he marry someone whom he knew couldn't have kids in the first place?! Besides, it's not like he's going to be a real Daddy having any relationship with any of these kids down under. Personally, I think Bill's Johnson is simply demented. Someone get this dumb Johnson some help.

http://blog.al.com/live/2011/12/alabama_politician_caught_in_s.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2073302/Bill-Johnson-Conservative-politician-donated-sperm-9-women-New-Zealand.html

It's Not As If She Threw Away Their Smokes: Kids Allegedly Unleash "Vicious Attack" on Mama For Tossing Out Their Beer!

I guess this story might make a lick of sense if Mama had tossed out the kids' cigarettes, suddenly turning them into nicotine fiends on the warpath. But Bud Light? Are we talking about a couple of full-blown teenage winos, or are they simply just the kind of kids who would beat up a parent over a few lousy beers (allegedly)? Either way, it ain't good...

Mama reportedly didn't like the idea of her underage brats (18-year-old Lindell Ferguson and 20-year-old Brittany Ferguson of Fayettesville, Illinois; pictured above) hitting the ol' bottle in advance of age 21. I'm on record as to what I think about the 21 drinking age (it's bullshit), but it's still the law. Not like the 42-year-old Mama was being so unreasonable over there.

So when Mama found some Bud Light around the house, she says she tossed away those brewskies faster than a Natty Light hangover. Mama's house, mama's rules, right? Wrong. Because that's when all hell broke loose...

Cops say daughter Brittany flew into a rage and first starting hitting Mama right in the face with a big "piece of trim." For good measure, Brittany also allegedly clocked Mama right in the kisser with her bare hands and started kicking Mama's body.

But that's was Sonny's beer too that Mama had so brazenly discarded! So Sonny naturally wanted in on the action (allegedly). Only makes sense.

So the Brittany beatdown on Mama was still ongoing, Sonny allegedly jumped into fray to get his own licks in on Mama's anti-beer hide -- allegedly elbowing her in the head. (No word whether Sonny tossed in a gratuitous "Why You, I Oughta Pound You" blast before he joined in the pummeling (allegedly)). Cops found Mama badly beaten "with a black eye, bloody nose and injuries to her body."

And now if Sonny and Brittany want to get their drink on, they may have to go buck up to Morgan Freeman down in the cooler, since cops have busted their boozin' behinds with several counts of domestic battery charges. I think we know one person they ain't gonna see during visiting hours.

http://blogs.riverfronttimes.com/dailyrft/2011/12/st_clair_fayetteville_mother_beer_domestic_battery.php

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2071987/Children-beat-mother-throwing-away-beer.html

"I Was Just Spanking My Ass! Want My Pink Weapon?" Cops Allegedly Catch PA Man Pleasuring Himself in a Parking Lot with a Pink Dildo!

Pretty in Pink, he's not. Cops in Pennsylvania may now reconsider taking any shifts over the witchin' hour after the freak show they say they stumbled across recently in a nightclub parking lot at midnight. I mean, this goof makes the demented Long Duk Dong look more boring than a Mitt Romney lecture on the merits of steadfastness (allegedly).

Cops say 49-year-old Robert Matello (pictured at the top) first caught their eye when they spotted him and his tool toolin' around said parking lot with his britches pulled down to the pavement. But that wasn't even the half(ass) of it, not by a longshot.

The first things the cops say they saw (or "observed," as they like to say) was Matello "inserting an unknown pink object into his anus." At the same time, cops say, the bone-a-fide John Thomas was also whacking up a storm as he "held his penis looking at both Officers."

Approaching this Daft Ding Dong, the cops reportedly started in with a few routine questions, such as whether Matello was carrying any weapons on his person. And I guess this Frankfurter Freak thought he'd get some fudge points for being honest: "Yes, I have a pink dildo," Matello allegedly revealed in response to the cops' weapons inquiry.

Further appearing to seek the cops' good graces, Matello next allegedly whipped out the "pink weapon" and tried to hand it right over to the cops. Having allegedly seen precisely where that sick pleasure stick had been only moments earlier, the cops reportedly refused the evidentiary offer and told Matello to stick that damn thing right back in his pants (where he had allegedly placed it as the cops approached).

This deranged Ding-a-Ling Matello even allegedly tried to offer up some Lame Dong Silver excuses in a main vein effort to escape arrest: "I was just spanking my ass," he allegedly spurted, in addition to asking whether it was any crime to "only be pleasuring myself" out in public.

But as reported by The Smoking Gun (link at bottom), "despite these reasonable explanations," cops still pounded this depraved tallywhacker's talkative ass with more trouble than even 100 pink dildos and a security guard in the basement of an L.A. pawn shop.

Specifically, this jaded Jackass-in-the-box Matello faces charges of indecent exposure, "open lewdness," and being all liquored up (all f*cked up) in public (one charge that I personally find very difficult to believe).

Sad, since I fear he's about to learn a whole new meaning for the concept of being poked with a "pink weapon" down in the hole. But who knows, since this parking lot-loving lovestick may find the joint's rough equivalent (sometimes referred to as The Yard) most pleasurable. Won't even need any toys out there!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/sex-toy-used-in-public-654819

Newt Gingrich's Gay Sister "Slams Her Brother's Opposition to Gay Marriage" & Vows to Work "Hard" to Re-Elect Obama -- Who Also Opposes Gay Marriage!

This is ripe. I had to write about this one. This one gave me the biggest laugh I've had all week -- and that's even with myself around to entertain me...

The pictured Candace Gingrich-Jones is gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) and is the half-sister of deranged right-winger and tired old battle axe presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. And apparently she never took to heart that wise old sibling advice to "never take sides against the family," as imparted by the Melancholy Don, Michael Corleone, in the film Godfather II.

Gingrich-Jones this week went on the MSNBC show of fellow leftist lesbian Rachel Maddow in order to tear brother Newt a new one. Gingrich-Jones described her brother as being "on the wrong side of history" and took him to task for being an opponent of legalized gay marriage (link at bottom). She also seems to have a real burr in her saddle that brother dear didn't attend her own gay wedding ceremony (pictured below) involving Gingrich-Jones' wife, Rebecca.

Gingrich-Jones also vowed to "work really, really hard to make sure President Obama is re-elected next year" even if her own brother is the republic partisan nominee (which is about 50/50 or better right now). But sorry folks, that makes about as much sense as a Mississippi resident crossing the border to use an Alabama shithouse because the ones back home stink too much.

That's because the individual we currently have as president took the position a few years back that he is opposed to gay marriage, and that position has NOT changed or ever been retracted.

But as usual, just about anything Obama does (opposing gay marriage, whacking out Bin Laden execution style, getting into the Libya war in the name of spreading democracy, etc.) is just peachy with the leftist 20 percenters and their complicit "mainstream" media since Obama has a "D" next to his name. But when that idiot W Bush did any of those kinds of things, the leftists would go apeshit in the streets! Hypocrites.

Just on the gay marriage issue alone, we've seen this type of ultimate hypocrisy time and time again from the leftists. They'll attack beauty pageant contestants or just about anyone else who opposes gay marriage, while completely ignoring their own beloved Obama's identical position on the issue -- an "Inconvenient Truth," as the Inventor of the Internet might say.

And right-winger republic partisans, in fairness, are little different when it comes to incessant hypocrisy and defending people with an "R" next to their names for things they'd attack a member of the democrat party for doing. But two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're an American partisan, that is. What a depressing way to go through life, that must be.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2071607/Newt-Gingrichs-gay-half-sister-says-work-really-really-hard-Obama-reelected.html

Glad He's Not in Kansas Anymore: Obama's Speech This Week Dumps the Sunflower State With More B.S. Than Three Pinocchios in an Alabama Shithouse...

That would be a three seater! I'm just glad I was able to escape my current state of residence (Kansas) on Tuesday because I don't think I could have stomached the foul aroma. Sure, the reason for my departure to St. Louis that day was to attend a very sad memorial service, and I'm not sure how I got through some treacherously icy roads in the western half of Missouri that morning. But thanks to the individual we currently have as president, Kansas had a real stench about it on Tuesday, and I'm grateful something (anything) got me the hell out of here.

Of course, it was on Tuesday that the illustrious leftist one graced the small town of Osawatomie, Kansas with his royal presence. The point of the speech? Does it really matter? Who listens anymore? Suffice it to say that the speech was just as chock full of leftist 20 percenter bunk and blather as any typical Obama speech (that is, once he got around to realizing he was in Kansas and not Texas -- a gaffe that the smartest president in American history committed at the start of the speech).

But don't just take my word for it. The linked story (at bottom) from the Fact Checker at the Washington Post (not exactly a bastion of right-winger sentiment) is none too complimentary to Obama's Kansas speech when it comes to the speech's facts and honesty.

I won't bore you with all the minutiae and wonkish details -- hit the link if you want any of that. Suffice it to say: Blame Bush, blame lower taxes, blame billionaires, blame everything and everyone but me. Yawn.

Besides, the Post's descriptions of the speech pretty much tell the whole tale: "Simply wrong"; "Lard[ing] his case with suspect data"; "Suspect facts"; "Suspect statistic"; "Surprising"; "Rely[ing] on a dubious, unverified source for a major presidential address." Which can all be condensed into one word: Bullshit.

The Post's Fact Checker has a "1 to 4 Pinocchios" scale that it uses to rank political speeches for their honesty, accuracy and truthfulness. For example, zero "Pinocchios" means a generally accurate, honest speech, and "one Pinnoccio" means a speech with "no outright falsehoods" even if it does "shade some facts" and contains some omissions and exaggerations...

The Post gives Obama's Kansas speech a rather scathing "three Pinocchios" for "significant factual error and/or obvious contradictions." Only by the skin of his teeth, it would seem, did Obama escape the publication's worst rating -- the dreaded "four Pinocchios," which is rarely given out and is reserved for speeches full of outright "whoppers."

My best advice for Obama (or for any pathological liar who may happen to be reading): Limit the factual assertions in your speeches. Stick to pure opinions and stale focus group rhetoric whenever possible. For example, instead of saying "fair share" and other "fair" derivatives 500 times in a short speech, up that ante to 1,000 times. Shit, just do that and you might find yourself down to two Pinocchios in two shakes of rat's ass.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker/post/obamas-kansas-speech-some-suspect-facts/2011/12/06/gIQAUU45aO_blog.html?hpid=z1

I May Have Flunked, But At Least I Never Drove Into the Damn Ocean: Woman Taking Drivers Test Nearly Caps a Hobo, Then Sails Into the High Seas!

Hey, I've had the Drivers Test Blues myself. I flunked twice at age 16. The first time through was the accumulation of a whole comedy of errors. The second time, I tried turning right from my left lane on a four-lane street. I flunked that one right there on the spot. "Uh, take a left at the next block," said the copper as he made me drive straight back to the examination station. But despite such horror stories, at least I never, ever, ever drove my '78 Ford Fairmont right into a large body of water (leastways during a drivers test), nor did I ever scare a hobo half to death (while operating a motor vehicle)...

Hard to say whom the biggest goof was here: 35-year-old Chile native Angela Castro or the instructor who had her take her drivers test on a freakin' coastal highway! That would be dumber and more dangerous than a campaign manager giving a polygraph test to Nancy Pelosi or Herman Cain. Talk about high risk, low reward.

During the drivers test, Castro (with instructor Edgardo Aguilera in tow) was reportedly driving her pick-up truck just a tad too fast as she approached a sharp curve on the coastal highway. But while most drivers would typically adjust to such a situation by hitting the brakes, Castro instead gunned the gas pedal (pictures above and below)! Whoops. Peligro!


But the scene was not so amusing, I'm sure, to a local hobo who had been sleeping on some rocks near the curve. As Castro lost control of the truck, she reportedly came within "a matter of inches" of running right over the slumbering roadside bum.

But even with the sleepy tramp now safely in the rear-view mirror, this speed demon Castro next smashed right through a metal barricade on the curve -- forcing her, her instructor and the truck to take a big long header straight into the Pacific Ocean!

For the lead-footed speedster Castro, there's both good news and bad news on this day. On the positive side of things, neither her nor her risktaker instructor were seriously injured, and both were ultimately able to safely escape the submerged truck largely unharmed.

But the bad news is twofold. First, that waterlogged pick-up ain't never gonna be quite the same. Can you say, "mold remediation"? Second, and even worse, the instructor gave Castro's high-speed ass a big fat F-A-I-L for "misjudging a curve" on that drivers test. "Misjudging," BTW? Didn't Teddy Kennedy once say something like that to cops about 10 hours after the fact? Worked out about as well for him too.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2070830/Think-failed-Learner-taking-test-drives-car-Pacific-misjudging-bend.html

Who Says Pot Never Kills You? Busted for Allegedly Smoking the Tree in the Shithouse, New York Man Keels Over From Damn Heart Attack After Cop Fracas

Holy Smokes, it would have been a simple possession charge! Instead, a man lies dead from a heart attack reportedly suffered after he engaged in a battle royal with the cop who allegedly caught him smoking (a manny mota) in the boys' room...

This sad story allegedly began with 39-year-old Cory Holmes hitting a New York college campus shithouse for a little puff on pato the magic dragon. Bad move, since a cop was also using the crapper at the same time and caught the very distinct whiff of burning hog leg in a nearby stall.

When the cop confronted this alleged latrine paca lolo puffer, Holmes reportedly scurried outta the shitter faster than John Edwards receiving an all-clear from hotel staff. The cop says he took to chasing Holmes across a parking lot, caught him, and then a big melee ensued.

During the brouhaha, this hooter hoofer Holmes allegedly yanked the cop's gun right out of its holster! As the two men fought over the gun, some of the bullets even flew out (although no shots were fired). Some pesky good samaritans reportedly ruined all the fun, however, by helping the cop end the fray and to slap the ol' cuffs on Holmes.

That's when things took a turn for the even worse, as Holmes reportedly had a fatal heart attack following the fight. But they don't call Reggie Onion "kill" for nothing, people. And kids: Never fire up a fatty. (Or fall in love with a broad named Mary Jane.)

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/staten_island/suspect_busted_for_smoking_pot_drops_a7j0RPGSXgJnqDilwAF17I
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/staten_island/heart_attack_kills_pothead_ffHgPWEI2V5KxCXxf2LCON

You Could Even Put Lipstick on This Pig: Female Artist Goes Hog Wild, Lives Buck Naked in Squalor in a Damn Pig Pen for Over Four Days!

If that don't absolutely beat a pig a-peckin'! She's 30-year-old Korean "artist" Miru Kim, and visitors to the Art Basel Miami Beach art show didn't exactly have to buy a pig in a poke this week to see her (all of her). Nothing hidden. They could see it all right through the display glass!

It's all a part of Kim's art exhibit (entitled "I Like Pigs and Pigs Like Me"), which has this stark-naked swine lover "staying in a pen" with a couple of pigs for 104 straight hours like some deranged version of a BLT sandwich eaten from a trough. She won't be fittin' to roll with a pig after that!

The makeshift pig pen and its bare-skinned inhabitant are prominently featured at the front of the art show, allowing visitors (apparently including some little kids; see below) to gawk at the buck naked boar lady to their little hearts' content.

Now you might think that Kim's intentions here stretch little past the obvious one of garnering Net publicity and having demented blogsters write about her. After all, her previous "work" has been highly exhibitionist and has included being photographed nude in an oddball assortment of strange places, such as on top of abandoned buildings (see below), in old tunnels and on bridges.

However, Kim claims she also has artistic intentions here as well that extend beyond merely showing off her porkbelly: "When I mingle with pigs, I feel my existence more than ever," she oinked. And that's fine, I guess, so long as we don't have to smell her existence in that pig pen.

Kim says she developed a "strong attachment" to pigs when she watched one get dissected in a classroom while she was a student at Columbia University in New York. Because, after all, there's little that tends to bond man to animal more than seeing the animal's dead carcass get its guts hacked into by Professor Plumb down in Biology 101.

Explaining further, Kim says that prior pig dissection "is when I noticed that their anatomy and skin color is close to ours." This raises a good point, since come to think of it -- my snout, hooves and pointy ears really aren't all that far removed from those of a pig. Stick a fork in this side of bacon, I'm done!

This reportedly ain't the first time Kim's entered the ol' pig pen, either, as she makes a regular practice of entering the pen and rolling around in the muck and mire: "Pigs are sensitive, intelligent creatures and when I enter the pen with them on these farms they react with fear or curiosity at first," squealed Kim.

But she says she wanted to do a live performance this time since damn pesky still photographs can only tell you so much: "I want people to feel the process of my body mingling with pigs, the sense of touch that is harder to grasp in the final photographs." And since I know about as much about living with pigs as a hog knows about Sunday, I'm just gonna have to trust her on that one.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3974603/Naked-artist-is-pig-of-the-bunch.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2069002/Art-Basel-2011-Muri-Kims-The-Pig-That-Therefore-I-Am-Exhibit.html

She Allegedly Served Thanksgiving Breast in Exchange For Some Gravy: Buxom Bike Broad Allegedly Bangs 15-Year-Old Boy at Turkey Day Family Gathering!

[For Jimmy Van Gobble:]

Jeezal Peezal, Coach Petrillo, I've been going to these damn Thanksgiving gatherings my whole life, and all I ever gots out of it was a lousy 10 extra pounds and Uncle Ed razzin' me about how many damn mashed potaters I'd polished off. And I sure as hell never got any Late November Lovin' from some hot invited guest...

"The scene unfolded at a family gathering" held on Thanksgiving late last month in Spring, Texas. Cops there say 23-year-old bosomy motorcycle racer Amanda Billiris (pictured at the top and below) attended the event with a little more on her mind Kawasakis and cranberry sauce.

Allegedly, this big-balconied biker babe was lookin' to rev up her multicylinder engine and pop something more than just a wheelie on a certain unsuspecting 15-year-old male victim who happened to be in attendance.

And this voluptuous velocipede vamp was allegedly none too discrete in riding this boy like he was a Honda touring bike, since multiple relatives of the kid say they spied this dirty T-Day deed going down right there on the premises before someone finally broke it up. No word whether a two-stroke or four-stroke engine, or any Wankel on the ol' wanker, might have been involved.

Regardless, this robust road girl did reportedly suffer a "severe blow to the head" during a 2009 motorcycle crash, which might explain why she's going around lookin' for 15-year-old crankshaft on family holidays (allegedly). Maybe she mistook the kid for a Suzuki roadster and was just trying the kick start him when that damn pesky family busted in?

But this chesty two-wheeler now may have to turn in her teen male sidecar for a modified old lady of the chopper variety, as cops have nailed her Harley hide with charges of felonious sexual assault of a child -- meaning up to 20 years in the hag hoosegow. Which would officially make the greenbean casserole that day the most expensive dish served up in Texas since Anna Nicole Smith shacked up with that decaying old oil Dutch oven back in the '90s AD.

http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2011/12/amanda_billiris_police_relativ.php
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2069622/Woman-arrested-caught-having-sex-15-year-old-boy-Thanksgiving-Day.html