Makin' Some Shit-Faced Sense: Florida Man Gets Busted for DUI, Tells Cops He Was Just Trying to "Drive It Off" by Heading to a Bar After the Old Lady Told Him He Drinks Too Much...

61-year-old Michael Moore has a simple story (link below). He says he was downing some brews at home recently when the old lady jumped his ass for drinking too much. So he gots in his car to heads to a bar, but not before he says he tried to "drive it off" (his buzz) on the way there. Cops stopped Moore for speeding and hauled him to the hoosegow for DUI.

So this story makes the Net rounds as just another "dumb crime" committed in the U.S., but methinks there's a certain clarity of logic to our plastered perpetrator's explanation. Follow me here:

-The old lady's giving Moore the business for boozin' it up again, so he decides he better sober his ass up. Ever the obedient old man, this guy.

-What better way to sober up than to place oneself in a location where there's no alcohol to tempt? Moore needed to get out the joint and find a dry spot. Which he did. Behind the wheel.

-I'm assuming the night was still young, and Moore didn't want to fall asleep. So instead of just sitting in the car like a sloth, Moore gets that ride a' rollin' to try to "drive it off" -- just like wifey wanted.

-But since he can't exactly get his drink on back at home after sobering up, he needed an end destination that (1) brings the wet and (2) won't bust his balls for liquoring the hell back up.  Only one joint fits that two-pronged billing: The local bar, obviously.

All this makes a certain ounce of sense. At least I presume to a drunk. My only suggestion to Moore for the next time: Drive if off in a cab on the way to the bar. And yes -- in a passenger seat preferably.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/florida-man-busted-dui-thought-driving-sober-cops-article-1.1712595

He Did NOT Have Sexual Relations With That Woman! But If That Be True, Then Why the Hell Didn't He?!?

She's 23-year-old British "reality TV star" Amy Childs. And Good Grief, just a take a look at that broad! Who in his right damn mind would NOT unhitch the ol' barn door and start plowin' them tracks of land?

Some famous married athlete there named Darren Gough (an "ex-cricketer"), that's who. Or so Childs claims (suggesting there's been no hanky panky between the two "friends")...

The alleged affair has the Limey tabloids all ablaze, but Childs continues to say "nothing to see here" -- all the while allegedly using the rumors for personal gain to "publicize her clothing brand" and "defiantly remaining in front of cameras as she models her new swimwear" (links below). Smooth!

For his part, the 43-year-old Gough (currently in Splitsville with his old lady) has refused comment, and who can blame him? Would you ever deny a rumor that you'd banged that hot little number Childs? And given that he's technically still married, how the hell can he admit same? But the real question: How come I can never get a piece of such a terrible dilemma?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/darren-goughs-long-suffering-wife-should-3221687
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2580226/No-worries-Amy-Childs-leaves-troubles-home-jets-sunny-Spain-models-swimwear-range.html

Way Overblown: "College Group Bans White People From 'Diversity Happy Hour,'" But Purports to Take No Action Prohibiting Honkies From Simply Getting Their Drink On in the Back of the Joint...

Hey, if the non-crackas at this Washington state college (link below) want to ban me and segregate me to a different part of the bar away from their Diversity Happy Hour, I ain't gonna lead no protest marches or boycott efforts over here...

It's not like they're saying I can't get all fucked up at the back bar or up on the roof.  Keep me separate, if you will, just so long as you treat me equal. That, after all, is what the young-uns and the smart ones these days refer to as, Progress.

http://www.infowars.com/college-group-bans-white-people-from-diversity-happy-hour/

Why the Long Face? Israeli Supermodel Bar Refaeli Laments Her Trouble Finding a Man. Pssst: Hey Baby, I'm Up for Grabs!

When not strutting scantily clad around a Thai beach over the past week (pics above), the 28-year-old former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model's got angst and a whole lotta antsy when it comes to landing that right guy (link below).  Barks Bar:

"I don't understand it. I'm okay. I look great. I'm cool. I like going out. I like being at home. I like movies. I like eating. So what's wrong with me? Why am I alone?"

One thing it's clear Bar doesn't like so much is speaking in long, overly complex sentences. Which, truth be told, should only make her all the more "cool" to all the dudes out there. But I digress. Refaeli reveals further:

"I'm looking for someone serious. Who I can set up home with. Someone who comes from a warm loving family. Like mine. Who has values like mine."

Now, having taken in all of Bar's babble above, I'm prepared to make my pitch. We have so much in common, my bountiful Bar-berella:

- I like going out. As long as a Bar's involved. You gots that covered.

- I like being at home. After the bars are closed. It beats the sidewalk.

- I like good eats. I see a cab ride to Go Chicken Go in our future.

- I like movies. Especially about gladiators. Or gangsters. Or Indian fracases.

- Am I cool? Who the hell ya think you're talking to over here?

-I  look, well, like only I can look.

- And last, though not least, I exude an air of seriousness, which I chalk up to a frighteningly functional family that had lots of values, of one sort or another.

So I hereby give you my application. See if ya get any better ones, there, Bar babe. Fat chance on that.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2573121/Bar-Refaeli-shows-curves-striking-mismatched-bikini-holidays-Thailand-male-friend.html

Cable Die: "Man Charged With Fatally Stabbing Wife During Argument Over Cable Bill"! Shouldn't That Be the Other Way Around?

I can see where this would go down in the reverse:  The old man orders a bunch of pay-per-view porn, jacks up the monthly bill, and the old lady whacks him out in a fit of rage. Especially in this economy.

But I'm strug-gull-ing like Joe Namath over here to understand what the old lady did to get hubby so upset with the bill? (No insight imparted from the linked story). Doubt it was porn, since broads ain't usually too much into that.

Maybe she'd upset him if she deleted a bunch of the old man's DVR'd porn, but that wouldn't increase the amount of the monthly bill. So I'm at a bit of a loss. But if I must put my money anywhere, it's on Juan Pablo, "Real Housewives" and/or Oprah TV having some sort of nefarious connection.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/crime/district-man-charged-with-fatally-stabbing-wife-during-argument-over-cable-bill/2014/01/06/ccc5d16a-76ee-11e3-8963-b4b654bcc9b2_story.html

Freaking Amish: 23-Year-Old Reality TV Star Kate Stoltz Drops Her Bonnet & Suspenders to Pursue Modeling Career, Much to Chagrin of Her Old Man the Bishop!

Stoltz starred on TLC's "Breaking Amish," which featured a bunch of young Amish and Mennonite ingrates lookin' for a little "taste of the modern life" in the Big Apple. Just enough to wet their beak. Except for Stoltz, apparently, who's now leaving behind her smock and embarking on a career as a lingerie model.

And if this is the kind of broads they're growing out there in them Pennsylvania farm fields (maybe Cinemax's "Banshee" ain't so preposterous after all?), perhaps this guy needs to grow a beard, hitch up some oxen, and head Lancaster County way just as fast as my team'll take me!

I can do this. Sure, certain lifestyle adaptations will be necessary, but I've already got that all worked out over here, see:

- Said Beard:  My understanding is they don't make you grow a big itchy beard until you marry one of them broads. So I could forestall that one until I meet my own Kate Stoltz.

- No cars:  Yeah I like to drive real freakin' fast, but why can't I get up a big head of steam just as well in a traditional horse 'n buggy?  I just hope they allow buggy whips.

- Lebanon Levi:  I ain't no deadbeat, and I don't mind paying my "Amish Aid" tribute to the local Amish Mafia boss. Besides, I don't want that little midget Amish enforcer dude (Wayne) on my ass any more than the next Amish guy does.

- Hard field work:  I gots this trick knee thing. I'll get a doctor's note.

- Folksy Farmer Duds and Big Hats:  Kinda like Uncle Jed Clampett and Abe Lincoln.  Giddy-up!

- No electricity:  If they can pull it off on "The Walking Dead" and "Revolution," then I can too. Do they permit flashlights?

- No Internet:  Former Missouri and USC Head Football Coach Larry Smith once famously declared, "I don't have an Internet." I think I can live the same way. I'll just have to distribute my blog locally and print it on toilet paper or something (TP being an apt medium for the afore-referenced material).

- No The Facebook Nor The Twitter:  Amish lifestyle, you had me at hello!

http://nypost.com/2014/02/22/amish-beauty-trades-in-bonnet-for-nyc-modeling-career/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2566993/Breaking-Amish-star-poses-lingerie-parents-arent-happy-it.html

"Thanks Taxpayers! Globetrotting Michelle Obama Announces Luxurious Vacation to China." But Quit Yer Belly Achin', Already, Right-Wingers!

Says the right-winger website Daily Caller:  "Fresh off the first family's sixth annual winter vacation to the Hawaiian island of Oahu -- billed to American taxpayers at a cost of $4 million -- Michelle Obama and the first daughters will now jet off to China for over a week of much-needed sightseeing . . . [Michelle's] mother, Marian Robinson, will be tagging along on the federal dime."

But methinks the right-wingers need to chill their deranged asses out.  They could use to take some wisdom away from the old-school rants of Mickey Goldmill from the old "Rocky" pictures...

Mickey's perhaps most famous for his 3-word proclamation that "Women-Weaken-Legs."  But it's a more obscure 3-word saying of Mick's that the right-wingers should now heed:  
Monarchs-Cost-Money.

http://dailycaller.com/2014/03/04/thanks-taxpayers-globetrotting-michelle-obama-announces-luxurious-vacation-to-china/

"Obama the Executioner": What a Rather Rude Description!

No, that statement didn't come from some gop-er or other deranged right-winger.  Nor did it come from an Independent.  Instead that's the description contained in a new book by leftist 20 percenter "crusader" Ralph Nader when it comes to Obama's embrace of neo-con principles of military incursions, fostering regime change, etc. (link below).

Now that we've established that Nader is an obvious racist (much like all those black pastors who want to impeach Eric Holder), let's move on to Nader's status as the classic broken watch who's right twice a day.  From Nader's new book, to wit:

"Inspired by the military actions of the Clinton administration, the Obama and Bush terms made a seamless transition into a militarized foreign policy, extending even further the illegal reach of wars of choice, invasions, incursions, and drone attacks, carried out irrespective of national sovereignties."

Nicely put on the substance, but also the part lumping together Obama, Bush and Clinton as a bunch of sleazebuckets who never met a foreign fight (to be fought with other people's kids) that they didn't like...

I wish we could just resolve right now: No airports; no stadiums; no streets; no libraries; no nothing to ever be named after those three individuals. After all, would you name a new facility in your town after a sewer rat?

http://www.politico.com/story/2014/02/ralph-nader-book-103908.html

No Objection, Your Honor! Young High Court Judge Broad in Bosnia Photographed Sunbathing Buck Naked on Her Desk!

For good measure, Her Honor reportedly started exercising in the buff while she was at it -- right there in chambers! And from what I can make out of this threadbare barrister from the photo, she ain't half bad.

If this is how the justice system goes down in Bosnia, I need to move there and take up bailiff'ing or something. But alas, if it seems too good to be true, it usually becomes that way eventually...

The linked story says Miss Judicial Disrobe got canned by the court after the photos went public because she had "damaged the image of the Supreme Court" -- a real head scratcher. I could understand if this was one of Obama's SC nominees, but this bare-skinned Bosnian Bar babe looks kinda right!

http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2014/02/female-bosnian-judge-fired-after-caught-sunbathing-on-office-desk/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2552999/Young-female-Bosnian-judge-fired-photographed-sunbathing-naked-desk-council-worker-building-opposite.html

"The Next Step: 3-D Printing the Human Body"! But Will It Allow, Say, Combining the Likes of Obama, Boehner & Pelosi into a Big Frankenstein Hyper Partisan Freak Print Job?

If so, then you'd have in full living color -- albeit with all the same cardboard personality of the real-life creatures -- a well-tanned, chain-smoking, big-drinking, nonsensical, windbagged, corrupt, partisan, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.

With big tits.

And BTW, Obama acolytes, please spare me in advance the question of "Who U Callin' a Chain-Smoker?"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/news/10629531/The-next-step-3D-printing-the-human-body.html

They Tell Me She Looks Like "Hillary Haggard," But She Sounds A Lot Like Every Other Politician...

"Hillary Haggard" was a headline late last week on the Drudge Report, as the high-traffic right-winger news aggregator site took a swipe at Clinton's appearance at an event last week (first link).

At the comparison to Hillary, Merle Haggard would be rolling over in his grave, if only he wasn't still alive. David Allan Coe as well, since he's also previously put in a claim to looking like Merle (second link).

Now, if I can just get through life without having anyone likening my mush to that of Hillary, Merle or David Allan, I will feel as if I have accomplished something. A small legacy to any and all issue, you might say.

http://m.nationalreview.com/campaign-spot/371497/checking-hillary-clintons-recent-appearance-jim-geraghty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bplt6CQ3MyE

"The President Has Seen My Boobs": "True Detective" TV Actress Broad with Best New Rack of 2014 Points the Nipple at Obama...

[This one is dedicated to a very nice, sweet broad with whom I grew up named Kristen...]

She's "True Detective" actress Alexandra Daddario, as she has one amazing pair of cans. So much so that I've officially bestowed her with the title of Best New Rack of 2014...

Daddario's big bare bazongas are on fully display in a recent early episode of the show, when the 25-year-old Daddario's character, Lisa Tragnetti (a single and psycho court reporter), handcuffs married cop Woody Harrelson to a furniture fixture and starts banging the hell out of him right there in her apartment!

Earlier this week it was revealed that "True Detective" is one of Obama's favorite shows (link below), although it's not clear whether that's a result of the scantily clad Daddario or whether His Majesty is just a sucker for good murder mystery.

Regardless, Obama's fandom of said show reportedly prompted him last week to take time out of his busy campaigning and golfing schedule to personally ask HBO executive Richard Plepler for advance copies of "True Detective" episodes (along with the upcoming season of "Game of Thrones").

The bountifully bosomed Daddario quickly picked up on Obama's interest this week, boisterously tweeting that "the president has seen by boobs" (link below).

Now while some deranged right-wingers have predictably criticized Obama this week for tossing his presidential weight around to see episodes of these shows before the public does, I can't say I blame the individual for wanting to see more of Alexandra Daddario as soon as possible.

Although, it is just a tad bit creepy having an out-of-touch leftist monarch and horrific president liking two of the same shows as I do. Maybe I should take some time this weekend to rethink some of my viewing preferences?

http://dailycaller.com/2014/02/18/true-detective-actress-the-president-has-seen-my-boobs/
http://dailycaller.com/2014/02/17/president-obama-asked-for-game-of-thrones-and-true-detective-early/

McPerfect Monday: Blonde Broad, Booze, Burgers, Bathing Suit, Boobs & Baywatch!

As the story goes, "Young woman dressed in Baywatch costume downs a pint of beer at McDonald's as part of shocking Internet drinking craze" called "neknominate" and aimed at becoming a "viral Internet star" (links below).

But this hot little Welsh number Steph-Lou Jones had me at broad, booze and burgers, truth be told. The rest is just tartar sauce on my Filet-O-Fish stick.

http://www.southwales-eveningpost.co.uk/VIDEO-Watch-woman-wearing-Baywatch-style-red/story-20612665-detail/story.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2557473/McNominate-Young-woman-caught-camera-downing-pint-lager-McDonalds-dressed-Baywatch-costume-latest-twist-internet-drinking-craze.html

Banana Republic: Leftists in Nicaragua "Scrap Terms Limits" to Allow "President" Daniel Ortega (No Apparent Relation to Carmen) to Serve Endless Terms. Just the Example We Need!

The Nicaraguan leftists' power grab "makes the impoverished country the latest in a string of Latin American nations from Bolivia to Ecuador to give presidents power extending beyond their traditional limits" (link below).

Endless terms. Gee, thanks a lot, Latin America! I can just see the little wheels turning now in the heads of Obama and his hired partisan hack, John Podesta.

Their only challenge would be overcoming that damn pesky 22nd Amendment. But that's nothing that can't be overcome by a few nuclear options or executive orders amongst leftists, no? (Although, I really shouldn't be giving these people any ideas over there).

http://news.yahoo.com/nicaragua-scraps-term-limits-boost-socialist-ortega-190941874.html;_ylt=AwrBJR9_A.hSOB0A4wjQtDMD

They Don't Call It GAS for Nuttin': Heifer Hurt After "Flatulent Cows Start Fire at Dairy Farm"...

And despite its vague references to portly creatures and passing gas, this is one news headline that actually has nothing to do with Chris Christie for a change:

"Methane gas from 90 flatulent cows exploded in a farm shed, damaging the roof and injuring one of the animals," reports Reuters (link below). "One cow was treated for burns," say cops.

Now while this one is mildly amusing (except for the burnt burger), is it really news?

Say, on the other hand, Chris Christie was involved and ordered the herd locked in the shed in the first place as retaliation against a democrat party rival who owned the bovines?

That one's at least a little better, even if it does have a bit of a been-there done-that, "cow dung stinks," "Obama lies," sort of dated stench to it. Wasn't it Eddie Murphy who once said, "Tell me something I don't know, Mother Fucker!"

http://news.yahoo.com/flatulent-cows-start-fire-german-dairy-farm-police-192159601.html

"Most Painful Speech Ever": Lefty Journalists Lambaste Performance & Skit of Black Congresswoman Donna Edwards (D-MD) at the Washington Press Club Annual Dinner...

There those leftists go again.  Racist misogynists.

http://www.politico.com/story/2014/02/donna-edwards-speech-103238.html

Legislation Even I Can Support: "Bill Would Add 'None of the Above' as Choice on Election Ballots"...

It gets tiresome when I go to the voting booth. I'm there, typically, to cast my habitual protest vote against the rotten, extreme-controlled democrat party and gop-er party, meaning I vote for a 3rd-party candidate. But those candidates tend to be some real rotten choices themselves. Real slim pickins...

Most often the third-party route comes down to a choice between some extreme right-wing libertarian freak or some loony leftist "green" party goof (or other similarly unappetizing options). Flip a coin, as far as I'm concerned. But maybe soon there will be a much better option...

A new bill in New Hampshire would add "none of the above" as an option to select on every election ballot. Nevada already has this option available on its ballots (pic at the top), and it's great the possibility's starting to crop up elsewhere.

I couldn't say it better myself than the sponsor of the New Hampshire measure, who says: "Voters should have the chance to express their dissatisfaction with all the candidates for a given office . . . Real choice means people have to be able to withhold their consent."

Of course, the slimy two-party apparatus of our current corrupt political system doesn't want you to have any real choice. They want to brainwash you with ancient antiquated notions of it being your "civic duty" to "pick a side" between far leftist and right-winger parties who do not reflect a majority of the people in this country.

Give me "none of the above" over those two non-choices any day of the week. "None of the above" won't lie to you. Won't destroy your health care. Won't run up $17 trillion in national debt. Won't send your kid off to be whacked out or maimed in needless wars. But "none of the above" does have the potential to fully embarrass the people who have done all those terrible things. And that ain't nothing but nothing but good.

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2014/02/01/bill-would-allow-nh-voters-to-vote-none-of-the-above/

20 Items OR ELSE: Old Florida Curmudeon Allegedly Batters Disabled Walmart Patron with Shopping Cart for Going Through Express Line with Two Items Too Many!

Ya know, I'm not so sure that the ol' "20 items or less" restriction at the Walmart express line is exactly what you'd call a hard-fast rule of law over there. If you happen to have a few more items than that, who really gives a rat's ass? But don't tell that to 77-year-old William Golladay (mug above; link below). He keeps count...

And that was bad news for 67-year-old John Malherbe recently after Malherbe drove his motorized scooter through the express line with -- get this -- 22 items in tow! How unlucky for him that Golladay just happened to be next in line behind him!

As if clairvoyantly sensing that Malherbe was trying to pull a fast one, Golladay reportedly took to counting up the total number of items that Malherbe had placed on the checkout counter -- Every Single One. And when that count reached 22, this old coot Golladay had reached his own limit!

Malherbe says Golladay first started screaming at him that "he had too many items and he couldn't use that register." When Malherbe was apparently undeterred, Golladay next allegedly went and grabbed his shopping cart and battered the express line cheater right in his elbow with the cart!

Walmart managers quickly ushered Golladay out of the store, but the old battle axe still reportedly wanted a piece of the scooter-bound Malherbe.  So after a short respite, Golladay allegedly reentered the store "with both fists raised," looking to take a swipe at his express line adversary.

Workers again escorted this ossified rule stickler Golladay out the joint, where finally the cops showed up. Even then, cops say Golladay was uncooperative and kept "ranting about how the man in front of him was in the 20 item express lane attempting to purchase over 20 items."

Now Golladay's next appearance in line may be the morning head count down at the hoosegow, since he faces a felony charge of battery on an old fart. No word yet whether or not Malherbe -- for his own part in this bargain store brouhaha -- will be ticketed himself for express line abuse.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/walmart-express-lane-rage-675432

New Study: "Alcohol Can Boost Your Immune System"...

And here I'd thunk it was just a freak that I haven't had a cold since '97.


http://atlanta.cbslocal.com/2013/12/24/study-alcohol-can-boost-your-immune-system/

Lost in the Fifties Tonight: Heir Apparent to Obama, Hillary Clinton, Goes June Cleaver, Says She Hasn't Driven a Car Since 1996!

The 2012 democrat party campaign rhetoric about gop-ers wanting to return the country to a '50s era "Mad Men" environment was at times entertaining, but allow me to introduce pot (-lovin' leftists) to kettle over here...

From the out-of-touch, buried-in-the-past file this week comes Hillary's remark that she hasn't gotten behind the wheel of a motor vehicle in nearly 20 years (link below).  For most, this might smack directly of a comfortable, fat-cat, DC-insider, elitist aristocrat (which Hillary pretty much is -- eat your heart, Mitt).

But I had a different primary takeaway (go figure): For the next leader of a 20 percent group that likes to constantly bombard us with lowest common denominator, intelligence-insulting, little leftist buzz slogans like "Progress," "Believe" and "Move On," Hillary sure sounds like an ossified old relic of a long bygone era...

The '50s, that is, when millions of American broads never drove cars nor learned how because, by golly, that was the old man's realm -- along with working a job, earning money, and deciding when to bang Gennifer on the side.

If Hillary next shows up on one of those late-nite infomercials hawking old "Ozzie and Harriet" and "Father Knows Best" video collections, I will be unsurprised, but also a bit worried:

Because that'll mean she needs money in the face of a primary challenge threatening her 2016 anointment. But alas, I just don't see Elizabeth Warren, Jerry Brown or Joe Biden cuttin' the mustard on Barbara Billingsley's tea sandwich, do you?

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/hillary-haven-driven-18-years-article-1.1592770

The New Army Corpse-Men: "US Military Considers Replacing 1000s of Troops with Robots." How Convenient!...

Oh MY God!: This'll be Obama's next excuse for the ever-disappointing and never-improving job and labor force numbers on his watch...

No need to blame ATM's or other pesky civilian sector technological advances.  Nope, this time just blame the military for incessantly growing record numbers of American workers leaving the job force in an unending rotten economy. And His Majesty holds all the strings over the new excuse!

Ya know, I need to look into this whole ordained Monarch thing someday. I'd even offer up concessions beforehand limiting such things as enemies lists, executive orders, recess appointments, and Nixonian targeting efforts. But then, I'm far more compromising and diplomatic than His Highness. Real far that'll ever get me! 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/defence/10587820/US-Army-considers-replacing-thousands-of-troops-with-robots.html