Rectory? Damn Near Killed Him! Priest Found Gagged & Handcuffed, Tells Cops He Was Just "Playing" Around. Right!

Bet the cops don't get too many 911 calls quite like this one (link below). Catholic parson Tom Donovan of Springfield, Illinois (pic immediately above) got on the 911 blower recently to tell the dispatcher, "I'm going to need help getting out before this becomes a medical emergency!"  But get out of what, you might ask...

Seems father was stuck in the ol' rectory (his digs) and bound up but good with a pair of handcuffs and a gag over his piehole. And that's exactly how cops found the playful preacher once they arrived.

Cops cut the clergyman loose but naturally had a few questions.  Like how in the hell this Holy Joe came to find himself all tied up worse than Marsellus and Butch in the pawn shop backroom (pic at the top)...

"I was playing with them," claimed the frightened friar in reference to said cuffs and gag, and with no other soul anywhere in sight around the joint.

Yeah I bet! He was just goofing around, perfecting his prison hack skills right there in the living room! I'm sure NO ONE ELSE was around or had anything to do with this putrid padre predicament!

Meantime, this red-faced reverend is reportedly now on a "leave of absence" from the church. Which doesn't sound like much of a changeup: Methinks this kooky cleric's not exactly all the way there even when he is in the house.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/priest-gets-stuck-in-handcuffs-rev-tom-donovan-911-gag_n_2411344.html

Fair & Balanced Bazooms in the Newsroom:"TV News Broadcast Shows Porn Movie in the Background for TEN Minutes"!

The offending and highly offensive news broadcast reportedly comes from Sweden (link below).  It's difficult to tell from the photo above precisely which porno was being shown to the audience at home, but since we're talking about a TV news program, I'm guessing it was one of these:

• Barely Biased: News Floozies Bang It Both Ways


• Balling for Whore Bun Control


• Cocked for the C-Block


• Fat News Chicks 4: Her Details Were Stretchy


• Hammerin' Me Under Camera Three


• HARDBALLS with Stiff Ass-Moves


• Hit the Widow on the Set


• Late-Breaking Nudes 9: Bustin' the News Hole


• That's Not My Finger on Your Prompter
  
  
• The O'Reilly Packed-Her 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2258487/Swedish-news-channel-shows-porn-background-report-Syria.html

"On the Dole & Watchin' the Pole": Welfare Recipients Get Their Party On in a BIG WAY in the Big Apple Using Their Debit Cards! Maybe I Should Call Quits-Ville on My Job & Just Join the Party?

A New York Post exclusive story this week (link below) reveals local welfare recipients using their debit cards to live it up like it was still 1999 or something in the City That Never Sleeps!  A Post investigation revealed such prudent and proper welfare debit card uses as:

(1) Hittin' the neighborhood bar (Hanks Saloon was cited) for a deserving evening of boozin' it up on the public's dime; (2) Crashin' the local porn shop (e.g., Blue Door Video) consistent with our 5th and 14th Amendment rights to fleece the peeps while disciplining the monkey; (3) Hittin' up the corner liquor store (Drinks Galore'll work) since the party must always go on after those other joints close up; (4) Smokin' and Tokin' like a fish with tobacco store product (since one can't have a real party 'out some bona fide smokes! -- Shisha International fits the description, BTW); and, for a regular coup de grace, (5) Rollin' into the local strip joint to drop some dolla' on the ol' tittie dancers (Club Heat works only too well)!

May I ask anyone reading this?:  WTF am I doing over here working a damn real job?!?  When I could be out there with the bums giving a whole new meaning to the slightly altered phrase, "PARTY SLIME."  But here comes the point that I tend to reach most every evening when my damn pesky Middle American Anachronism side rears its ugly head: I just can't join the tramps and slugs who are having so much fun in Metropolis with their paws in the public kitty:  I gots to work in the morning -- and, besides, my shit pays so much better!

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/poor_some_ugar_on_me_0Hq1d3iPnvj2RwpsEDS7MN

NIP RIP: Why Would Some Creep Even Need to Tear at Sofia Vergara's Rack Attire?!?...

...She leaves so little to the imagination already!

[The "Modern Family" star reportedly suffers "torn dress" during a "jealous New Year's Eve scuffle between her fiance Nick Loeb and a stranger" at a Miami nightclub].

http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/entertainment/2013/01/02/sofia-vergaras-fiance-thrown-out-miami-nightclub-says-report/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2256411/Sofia-Vergaras-fianc-Nick-Loeb-displays-battle-scars-thrown-Miami-club-following-NYE-fight.html

OH MY! But Kids -- I Don't Care How Hot this Broad Is: Never Get Plastic Surgery, Fake Boobs or Bear Children When You're a Damn Teenager!

That's "Teen Mom" Farrah Abraham, showing off her "post-surgery bikini body" while sashaying around the beach this week with 3-year-old daughter Sophia.  It seems that Teen Mom a few months back dropped 16 grand and went under the knife for a chin-and-schnoz job (link below)...

That particular piece of plastic work follows an earlier procedure where this hot little number added a big pair of fake cans to her natural upside.

But to all the kids out there:  Don't do that shit. Not unless you're a moron. But if you wanna toss away being a kid and become an adult before your time: Then by all means, knock or get knocked up in your teen years.

Wanna look like a circus freak even before you're even old enough to take a drink?  Then for sure, buy a big fake rack or turn your mug over to Senor Sawbones.

Trust me, while you can try blaming it all on Bush or something, these things are your decisions.  Make the right ones. Unlike the Teen Mom. 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2256334/Teen-Mom-Farrah-Abraham-shows--21-000-worth-cosmetic-surgery-Florida-break-daughter-Sophia.html

Giving America the Fiscal Stiff: "Cliff Deal" Accomplishes Basically Nothing in Terms of Reining in the Massive Federal Budget Deficit and the Stifling National Debt...

Thanks for nothing, as usual, democrat party and gop-ers. Nothing says fiscal responsibility quite like no spending cuts to combat out-of-control, unsustainable spending.

And BTW, raising taxes on anyone in poor economic times of anemic growth:  Suave!  That'll get the ol' economy up 'n roaring!  Idiots.

http://www.politico.com/story/2013/01/senate-clears-fiscal-cliff-deal-89-8-85640.html?hp=l18

Rather Than Pondering on This Day the Rotten Prospects of Another Crappy New Year of the Obama/Bush Tribulation, I Think I'd Prefer to Look at Some Hot Broads...

From the top:  (1) "I'm a Celebrity" star Helen Flanagan is "still looking her breast after Christmas"; (2) glamour model turned bodybuilder Jodie Marsh offers a "merry cleavage treat for beach boys"; (3) Caprice Bourret is joining the new celebrity diving show, "Splash!", but is "terrified of hurting her boobs"; (4) Brandy Norwood's gettin' hitched and headed to the Hawaiian beaches to celebrate; and (5) "reality starlet" Josie Goldberg "spills out of her halter top" at Miami Beach.

Almost made me forget there for a second.  Almost.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/4716173/Helen-Flanagan-is-still-looking-her-breast-after-Christmas.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2254153/Brandy-Norwood-shows-perfect-bikini-body-heads-Hawaii-celebrate-engagement--hides-away-ring.html
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/4714769/Jodie-Marshs-merry-cleavage-treat-for-Boxing-Day-beach-boys.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2254051/Reality-starlet-Josie-Goldberg-squeezes-curves-new-fashion-line.html
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/4715277/Caprice-worried-about-hurting-boobs-on-diving-show-Splash.html

UN-intendo: "Family Finds Hardcore Porn on 5-Year-Old's Christmas Gift" -- a Nintendo 3DS! Now, THAT Combination Sure Conjures Up Some Sick Imagery...

This story (link below) is proof positive that some things should never be mixed. American politicians and decent human beings. Burning smokes and Alabama shithouses. Kim Kardashian and talent competitions.  And never: The video game and porn industries.

I just think of some of the hottest video game releases of 2012: Games like Analogue: A Hate Story, Mass Effect 3, Final Fantasy XIII-2, Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, Dragon's Dogma, Kid Icarus: Uprising, Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater, Tales From Space: Mutant Blobs Attack, and Thomas Was Alone...

Can you just imagine the rotten ruckus that the purveyors of porn might raise if they got their sticky little paws on some of those titles?  One can just ponder the carnal carnage:

•  Anal-Log: A Hole Story


• Ass Affect Me


• Anal Fanny-See XXX


• Call of Booty: Back Ops Screw


• Dragon's Log(in)Ma


• Kid Stick-Er-Ass: Uprising


• Kingdongs of Amateur: Erectioning


• Meet My Rear: Solid Snake In-Her


• Tails From Space: Mutant Boobs And Racks


• Thomas Was a Load

Now that's just sick. It's sick. We don't need that sort of thing around here.

http://www.9news.com/news/article/306990/339/Family-finds-racy-photos-on-5-year-olds-Christmas-gift

Full Metal STICK-IT -- We'll Do Whatever the Hell We Want! Leftist NBC News Allegedly Ignores Cop Warning Not to Possess Illegal Gun Magazine...

The incident occurred on NBC's "Meet the Left" over the weekend, when the completely partial, leftist "moderator" David Gregory brandished an apparently illegally obtained 30-round gun magazine after DC cops say they told NBC that possessing and showing the gun on air would be illegal...

Must be nice to be a leftist 20 percenter. Say anything you want. Get away with it. Do just about anything you want. Usually get a way with it...

Law Schmaw -- do as you say, and not as you do, right leftists? And alas, that seems to be a big strain of the leftist world view. For example, just look at the so-called "occupy movement" and the anarchist roots behind it, and don't even get me started on the leftists' absolute "civility" hypocrisy.  You see, to the leftists, things like laws, rules and principles apply to everyone but them.

And a final note, leftists: I don't want to hear word one from you kooks about this being some sort of journalistic issue. This illegal magazine was used as no more than a damn prop during Gregory's interview of some deranged right-winger NRA freak...

Plus, regardless, you simply have no right of expression or press that permits you to possess and parade around illegal contraband. So spare me that bullshit in advance, please, leftists. Use your time more wisely -- maybe go commit some more crimes or something.

http://www.politico.com/story/2012/12/cops-nbc-told-dont-use-gun-clip-85497.html

HARK! I Hear DREADFUL Noises!

But alas, it was just a Christmas Eve nightmare.  At least Christmas gives us a nice 24-hour respite from the voices of the disgusting American politicians of both ilks who currently threaten to ram this country right straight down to hell.  But never fear -- they'll be right back at it come Wednesday.

No Country for Dart Fans Who Look Like Jesus: "Christ Lookalike" Gets Tossed from British Darts Tournament!

And right before Christmas!  No, this wasn't some public school event in the States, but instead a hugely attended and privately sponsored "darts tournament" in the UK...

And while it's not clear whether 33-year-old Nathan Grindal (a spectator at the event; pictured at top) intentionally sported his bushy divine get-up in order to distract the two championship round competitors, event staff said that was irrelevant...

That's since once the darts tournament crowd of 4,500 people burst into "raucous" chants of "Jesus! Jesus!", event organizers had heard and seen enough (link below), putting a bullseye on the joint's exits with this Fake Almighty's name written all over it.

But even this phoney Son of God's ejection hasn't stopped tempers from darting over the top.  Grindal is said to be "quite cross" over his treatment (Elton John over there!), while tournament champion Phil Taylor apparently wants a piece of the Lord:

"If I ever see Jesus [Grindal] again, I'll crucify him myself," this scrooge Taylor allegedly pledged.  Some folks just can't get into the Reason for the Season.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/15/nathan-grindal-jesus-kicked-out-darts-tournament_n_2307796.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

BROAD BLOTTER (Inaugural Edition): Coco Does Vegas; Kerry Defends Django; & Paz Poses in Playboy!

I'd like to introduce right now a new segment into TIR, as I give you my first dose of the "Broad Blotter" -- focusing on 2, 3 or more hot broads and providing an update on them and their ample assets...

This feature may (or may not) appear in this space from time to time (translation: when I gots nothing else or better to write about), but here goes the premiere installment (links at bottom):

1. Apparently leaving behind her recent controversy that saw her caught in a slew of "racy photos" with a rapper (AP.9) who's not her husband (Ice-T), bountifully bosomed "glamour model" Coco Austin has reportedly taken only too well to the leading role in a Vegas run of the show "Peepshow." No word whether Coco's "performance" involves much of anything other than her just strutting around and shaking her big bazooms, but does it really matter?

2. Gorgeous actress Kerry Washington has shown up as the cover girl on the new "Uptown Girl," defending in an interview her choice to portray a 19th Century American slave from Africa in Quentin Tarantino's new picture, Django Unchained.  I best know this hot little number Kerry from her lead role on ABC's "Scandal" -- although I do wish she and the other characters on that show would stop talking so damn fast all the time! I'm a Middle American anachronism -- you must talk slow to me.

3. "Boardwalk Empire" star and bona fide wildchild Paz De La Huerta is taking it all off for the January/February edition of "Playboy." The third season of "Boardwalk" just wrapped up, and while S3 benefitted enormously from the introduction of hilariously psychotic mafioso character Gyp Rosetti (actor Bobby Cannavale), it also suffered from the absence of Paz -- a dame who's not only extremely hot, but also (as a special added attraction) is half deranged, both on the show and in real life. BTW, is that seaweed tuft atop her upper melon actually real?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/18/coco-austin-hot-ice-ts-wife-strips-down-peepshow_n_2321873.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2249789/Cover-girl-Kerry-Washington-shows-perfect-figure-defends-decision-play-slave-Django-Unchained.html
http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/12/17/boardwalk-empire-star-paz-de-la-huerta-tells-playboy-celebrate-nudity-every-day/

"Where Have You Been?" Journalism Actually Breaks Out at White House Press Conference, as ABC Reporter (Obviously Having Read this Blog) Asks Obama Tough Question on Gun Control...

ABC News White House correspondent Jake Tapper won't be getting any Christmas cards from Barry and Michelle this year. For the last question at Obama's Wednesday "press conference," Tapper basically asked Obama why he's yakking up gun control now after basically never saying or doing shit about the issue until the Sandy Hook massacre occurred...

"Where have you been?", Tapper had the unmitigated gall to ask His Majesty. Can't have that. Wonder how long before either the White House or Tapper's employer puts the ol' kibosh on Tapper's current gig?

Obama, obviously taken aback and irritated by receiving a legitimate question from the press corps, had little in retort except to spout a variation of his tired old "we inherited this mess" talking point. Smooth!

Even if Tapper is allowed to keep his position, ABC should at least ban him from reading this blog -- where one of my immediate reactions to the Connecticut massacre was to question why leftists remain largely silent on gun control almost all the time except when some horrific mass murder occurs at the hands of a gunman.

So might as well have been Rager instead of Tapper asking that question. Regardless: B-U-S-T-E-D, Obama!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/19/jake-tapper-obama-guns_n_2333532.html?utm_hp_ref=media

[Late Thursday Postscript:  Looks like ABC won't get a chance to lower the boom on Tapper, since the news came out late today that he's jumping to CNN!  How ironic (or who knows, maybe not such a coincidence) that he'd make national news for sending a rare tough question Obama's way the day before he jumped ship to a new network.  Talk about goin' out with a BANG!]

AFTER Spending Last Weekend Worrying My Head Off, I'm Just NOW Seeing Where the Vatican Has Ordained that the World Will, In Fact, NOT End this Friday. Gee, Thanks for Nothin', Pope!

Talk about end of days late and a dollar short (link below) -- and this one has much more import than a damn tardy burger and mixed drink offering.  Where was Pope with this "no Mayan apocalypse" stuff when I and millions worldwide could've actually used it?  Before loading up on 15 giant salsa vats at Sam's Club...

Before clearing out Dirty Don's Bargain Center (Raytown, Missouri) of every single over-sized can of Campbell's Vegetable Soup on the joint's shelves...

Before telling the Aldi's at 95th and Antioch that if they gots an extra pallet of Spaghetti Rings, then I'll haul the damn thing away and give 'em 90 cents on the dollar (moving pallets without a forklift is a real bitch, BTW).

Or, before buying an old heap off that crazy coot Butch down at the junkyard to use for spare auto parts for my "bug out"...

A weekend wrecked (no pun intended). And a fine how-do-ya-do to start my work week, to boot.  Anyone need a 1982 Jeep CJ-5 (sans the U-joint, rear axle, and a few other things)?

http://www.myfoxny.com/story/20318206/vatican-world-not-ending-despite-maya-prediction

HORROR in Connecticut, as Subhuman Slimeball Kills 20 Little Kids and 6 Others at a Newtown Grade School...

In terms of the most horrific American events that I can recall in my lifetime, this one would probably be second only to 9-11.  And just like the sun came up this morning, American leftist 20 percenters immediately and predictably tried to politicize the massacre with highly original calls for more gun control (never mind that Connecticut already has strict gun control laws and the sleazebucket's guns were reportedly purchased illegally -- imagine that)...

You know, where in the hell are these leftists with their gun control cries whenever a massacre or mass murder hasn't just happened?  The silence is typically deafening.  Their viewpoint might garner a lot more respect from me if it ever came out their pieholes at any time other than times like today.

So they can talk their gun control, but here's where the focus of my thoughts lies tonight:  There's no greater human tragedy than the abuse, killing, sickness or death of a young child.  And the second greatest human tragedy occurs whenever a parent has to bury a child.  Here we have both 20 times over.  It gets no sadder.

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2012/12/14/police-respond-to-report-of-school-shooting-in-conn/

Why Couldn't They Have Come Up With This a Bit Earlier? "Fully-Loaded Cheeseburger-Bloody Mary Has Business Booming at Milwaukee Bar"!

They're now offering this culinary delight at Sobelman's Pub & Grill in Milwaukee -- complete with "drink/burger creation garnished with shrimp, Polish sausage, cheese, pickled asparagus and sticks of leafy celery."

But alas, due to recent dietary and lifestyle changes, I'm afraid I won't be able to avail myself of the merits of this wonderful concoction.  Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop eating leafy vegetables.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2246072/Sobelmans-Pub-Milwaukee-offers-fully-loaded-bacon-cheeseburger-Bloody-Mary.html

Dog Turd Tells Cow Patty It Stinks: Leftist Writer Claims "Single BIGGEST Story of 2012" Is the gop-er party Moving to the Right!

Two things here in response to the above claim from Huffington Post leftist 20 percenter "Dan Froomkin":  First, when a "story" is a big "No Shit, Sherlock" and has been ongoing for quite awhile, that ain't exactly "news" nor newsworthy.  The gop-er party's been moving more to the right?  Stop the Press!  The Biggest News Story of 2012!!  Or not.

Second, what we've consistenly seen throughout the 12 rotten years of the current century has been both of these two crummy parties moving incessantly farther towards their extreme bases.  In short, there's little place in either party for anything but the most devoted of ideologues anymore. 

And for a democrat party leftist to accuse the gop-ers of moving more to the extreme would be a bit like Henry "Pigsnout" Waxman accusing John "Party Time" Boehner's tan of impersonating a circus freak.  "Froomkin":  Hypocrite.

http://www.politico.com/blogs/media/2012/12/the-single-biggest-story-of-151570.html?hp=l9

Letting the Nuts Run the Asylum: U.S. House Votes 398-1 to Eliminate the Word "Lunatic" from Federal Legislation, With Only One Sane Voice in the Joint...

$16 trillion in national debt, but gop-er and democrat party goofs in Congress have more important things to worry about, such as the presence of the word "lunatic" in federal legislation.  In fact, the measure passed 398-1 late last week...

Immediately one wonders, who was the "1"?  And is that person really a staunch proponent of the word "lunatic"?  Turns out that the one dissenting vote was from gop-er Louie Gohmert of Texas (pictured above), and dude's actually apparently no fan of "lunatics" -- leastways not the kind that he has to deal with.  Said Gohmert:

"Not only should we not eliminate the word 'lunatic' from federal law when the most pressing issue of the day is saving our country from bankruptcy, we should use the word to describe the people who want to continue with business as usual in Washington."

Right on.  Probably could've said it only a little better myself. But let's get past the issue of why in the hell Congress is wasting time on such silliness. Another issue: If you're to get rid of "lunatic," what should it be replaced with?

I guess "whack job," "nut job," "oddball," "kook," "creep" and "loon" are out of the question given the hyper-sensitivity and extreme political correctness of the current rotten age.  But how about "maniac"? Melikes it. Or "psycho"?  "Madman"?  Those ain't so bad, no?

Or, if we feel the need to be particularly courteous and overly respectful, then how about "odd fellow."  I'm really likin' that one. So there you go, Congress. Now how 'bout that debt?

http://washington.cbslocal.com/2012/12/06/house-passes-measure-removing-word-lunatic-from-federal-law/

Fiscal Cliff/Schmiscal Cliff: My Best Advice on that Ongoing Story Is to Ignore It for the Next 2-3 Weeks...

We're not going off the "fiscal cliff."  The chances are about 95% or greater that the deranged right-winger gop-ers and Obama and his leftist 20 percenter democrat party will reach a compromise agreement to avert the full effect of the significant tax hikes and federal spending cuts that are currently set to take force in early 2013 (i.e., the so-called "fiscal cliff")...

But here's the thing.  That agreement is not likely to be reached until the very last minute, meaning the last week of December.  Until then, you'll see day after day of endless, sleep-inducing "stories" about partisan posturing, alleged "negotiations," and "fears" that we might actually "go off the cliff!"

Ignore it.  Pay attention in 2-3 weeks, but no need to waste your time now.  If the gop-ers had more of a hard-right-winger House Speaker than John "Party Time" Boehner, then there might be more of a risk of "going off the cliff."  But all indications are that Boehner and a strong sect of his fellow gop-ers are very committed to ultimately reaching an agreement, lest they be blamed by the advocate "mainstream" media for failing to do so (which they would be).

Regardless, once an agreement is reached, it still changes very little.  It doesn't change the stifling and ever-growing $16 trillion national debt and $1 trillion plus annual budget deficits amassed during the Obama and W Bush years that neither of these two awful rotten parties cares anything about getting under control.

So others can waste time following the daily minutia of the "fiscal cliff story" this month. I think I'll watch my DVR'd episodes of F/X's "American Horror Story" instead.  That show's not nearly as frightening, after all, as what's been going on in Washington the past 12 years.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-250_162-57557326/fiscal-cliff-talks-frozen-obama-lobbies-big-business/

No Eats on the Streets: Huron, South Dakota Bans Eating While Driving As Part of Its "Distracted Driving" Ordinance. Good For Them!...

...But why stop there?  There are a lot of potentially "distracting" behaviors that can occur on the road that could also conceivably lead to an accident.  I would urge the City of Huron to consider the following 10 actions for inclusion in the City ordinance:

1.  Passing gas while driving (especially following a Taco Bell border run): Crassly cuttin' the cheese is sure to garner the scorn of most passengers, thereby distracting the driver while he tries to devise lame excuses for the stench he's just wrought.

2.  Whacking mailboxes with a bat while driving:  Those three seconds looking in the rear-view mirror to check out the carnage can make all the difference between life and death on the open road.

3.  Receiving a Lewinsky while driving:  It's akin to installing a small glass elevator on your lap with incessant traffic back and forth between the penthouse and the sub-basement. Who can focus on the road?!?

4.  Giving a Lewinsky while driving:  Might as well let Stevie Wonder take the wheel.

5.  Dancing pirouettes while driving:  And I don't care if you have the lead role in the local production of Don Quixote opening the next day.

6.  Popping porn into the DVD player while driving (especially at night):  Even if it's not distracting to you, just imagine the double-takes from passing motorists. We don't want to see that.

7.  Tossing a pie at an innocent bystander while driving:  Been there, done that. And we nearly hit the next telephone pole.

8.  Jumping over cricks and small streams while driving:  Sure, it always looked good on the old "Dukes of Hazzard" program, but do you realize how many hundreds of '69 Dodge Chargers they went through on that show?

9.  Taking gout medication while driving:  Look, if you have gout in one of your joints, you shouldn't be behind the damn wheel in the first place!

10.  Reading a newspaper while driving:  Nothing says distraction, after all, quite like cracking open the morning rag right in front of the steering wheel at 50 MPH.  But hold on a second: The linked story says the Huron ordinance already specifically bans this particular activity.  Gosh, that City sure has its ducks in a row.  Nothing gettin' past their watchful eyes over there!

http://www.keloland.com/newsdetail.cfm/huron-enacting-ban-on-texting-while-driving/?id=140742