Wednesday, December 5, 2012

No Eats on the Streets: Huron, South Dakota Bans Eating While Driving As Part of Its "Distracted Driving" Ordinance. Good For Them!...

...But why stop there?  There are a lot of potentially "distracting" behaviors that can occur on the road that could also conceivably lead to an accident.  I would urge the City of Huron to consider the following 10 actions for inclusion in the City ordinance:

1.  Passing gas while driving (especially following a Taco Bell border run): Crassly cuttin' the cheese is sure to garner the scorn of most passengers, thereby distracting the driver while he tries to devise lame excuses for the stench he's just wrought.

2.  Whacking mailboxes with a bat while driving:  Those three seconds looking in the rear-view mirror to check out the carnage can make all the difference between life and death on the open road.

3.  Receiving a Lewinsky while driving:  It's akin to installing a small glass elevator on your lap with incessant traffic back and forth between the penthouse and the sub-basement. Who can focus on the road?!?

4.  Giving a Lewinsky while driving:  Might as well let Stevie Wonder take the wheel.

5.  Dancing pirouettes while driving:  And I don't care if you have the lead role in the local production of Don Quixote opening the next day.

6.  Popping porn into the DVD player while driving (especially at night):  Even if it's not distracting to you, just imagine the double-takes from passing motorists. We don't want to see that.

7.  Tossing a pie at an innocent bystander while driving:  Been there, done that. And we nearly hit the next telephone pole.

8.  Jumping over cricks and small streams while driving:  Sure, it always looked good on the old "Dukes of Hazzard" program, but do you realize how many hundreds of '69 Dodge Chargers they went through on that show?

9.  Taking gout medication while driving:  Look, if you have gout in one of your joints, you shouldn't be behind the damn wheel in the first place!

10.  Reading a newspaper while driving:  Nothing says distraction, after all, quite like cracking open the morning rag right in front of the steering wheel at 50 MPH.  But hold on a second: The linked story says the Huron ordinance already specifically bans this particular activity.  Gosh, that City sure has its ducks in a row.  Nothing gettin' past their watchful eyes over there!