Final Grades from the Final Night of the gop-er Convention: "Clint, Marco & Mitt" -- Might Sound Like Something from a Bad Canceled Soap Opera, But Also Entailed Some of the Better Speeches of the Convention...

The grades tonight picked up dramatically from the first two nights of the republic partisan convention, but that's to be expected:  The last night's always for the big guns and the nominee.  And while I'm not exactly sure Clint Eastwood deserved an "A" (as discussed below), I openly admit being more in the tank for the old gunslinger than the "mainstream" media at an Obama press conference. So let's get to it...

1.  Marco Rubio (U.S. Senator from Florida):  A-/B+ (a "90").  Two words:  Political heavyweight.  I've said that about this Cuban-American cat from the jump.  He's a devout right-winger, and therefore not exactly ideologically my cup of tea party.  But Rubio has the skill that his young gop-er contemporary, Paul Ryan, doesn't have to nearly the same degree: Delivering the prepared speech most adeptly (Ryan's much bigger skill is communicating with people off-prompter and contemporaneously).  Like him or not, I predict Rubio will be president of the United States some day.  And yes, you can make book on that.

2.  Clint Eastwood (my favorite film star of all-time):  A*.  The asterix is because while I'm unbiased when it comes to gop-ers and democrat party people (I don't much care for any of 'em), I'm not unbiased when it comes to Clint.  So maybe I should've recused myself from giving him a grade?  Nah. Don't think that's really necessary. But good grief is ol' Clint gettin' old, and it showed at times.  But still plenty of funny lines and zingers from the old fart.  Personal favorite: Regarding Joe Biden, "He's kind of a grin with a body behind it."  Nailed it.

3.  Mitt Romney (I call him stand-for-nothing King Flipflopper, but you know him as the 2012 gop-er presidential nominee):  B/B+ (an "87").  Still don't think Romney stands for much of anything, but one reason why he's a danger to the individual we currently have as president is because Romney's a fairly talented performer.  He's a natural at giving speeches, even if that same aforementioned "individual" is even a bit better (at least on those occasions when Barry's engaged).  And from the gop-er debates I witnessed (all 732 of them), Romney's a dude who's typically fairly solid (if not spectacular) on his feet and off-prompter, whereas I'd only describe Obama as being mediocre in that skill (although as a consolation for the leftist 20 percenters, Reagan too was very mediocre off-prompter).

So here we are.  One of the two worst presidents of my lifetime (Obama, with the other being W) pitted against this Romney character whom it's hard to get excited about after witnessing eight terrible, destructive years from the last president the republic partisans offered up to us.  I have no dog in the fight, think it's (yet again) an awful choice these two pathetic parties have given us, and will be voting third-party as I have in every election since 1992.  But, it should be fun to watch, because this is likely a very close election, possibly with a 2000-repeat involving one side winning the popular vote, but not the one (the electoral college) that counts.

And before I hear any cliched "pick a side" cat-calls from the peanut gallery, I'll say this:  I very much worry this country will never recover from the economic and other destruction wrought over the past 12 years by Barack H. Obama and George W. Bush.  Given that track record, why in the hell would I consider voting for either of these two parties ever again?!?  Feel free to get back to me on that.

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More Grades, This Time for Wednesday Night gop-er Convention Speeches (The Good, the So-So & the Ugly)...

...No "A's" tonight (but I've still yet to give an "F" to anyone).  Artur Davis last night remains the best speech I've seen at this gop-er national convention (and my only "A" grade so far, albeit an "A-"):

1.  Boring White Guys:  D.  This included Tired Old Man John McCain, Rob "Who?" Portman and Tim Pawlenty Bland.  These cats couldn't excite a mouse tick in an Alabama shithouse.  (Didn't see the speeches of Mitch McConnell or Rand Paul, but does it matter? They get lumped in here too).

2.  Mike Huckabee (former presidential candidate and Ark. Gov):  B.  Not a barn-burner speech, but a decent one, and a welcome departure from the Boring White Guys who preceded him.  Entertaining me, and not boring me, is always huge with this Independent when it comes to these partisans on both sides.

3.  Condoleezza Rice (Secretary of State under W Bush):  C+.  She's never been an elected politician and it showed.  Didn't seem overly comfortable (although she improved as the speech progressed and was much better at the end, garnering her the "+" in my grade above).   Speech was too heavy on boring wonkish foreign policy discussion at the outset, and lofty cliches throughout.  This one was reminiscent of Chris Christie last night:  Not a bad speech, but I expected more.  On a side note: I noticed that leftist propaganda outfit MSNBC actually carried Rice's speech after ignoring all speeches by black and minority gop-ers last night.  Shock!

4.  Susana Martinez (New Mexico Gov.):  B-. This speech was my first big exposure to Martinez, who hasn't gotten a ton of media play nationally in the past.  Not a great deal resonated with me in a major way, substance-wise, from Martinez' speech, but this broad has a certain in-your-face, firebrand style that's difficult not to like or at least be entertained by (sorry Jeeves for ending sentence on a preposition).

5.  Paul Ryan (Romney VP selection):  B+.   A complete Tale of Two Speeches!    When Ryan was selected by the Mittster recently, my observation in this space is that Ryan's strength is talking off-prompter, speaking contemporaneously -- at which he very much excels. In turn, I observed that Ryan's previously appeared to me to be fairly mediocre giving the prepared speech (he struggles with not being very natural when reading words in a speech -- an observation first formed after the State of the Union response he did in the past few years).  So I wasn't expecting (in contrast to someone like Chris Christie) a knockout speech from Ryan tonight.  And that's precisely what he delivered in the first 2/3's of his speech: Mediocre.  I had a "C" penciled in for him for most of his speech.  

But Good Grief did Ryan pick up his business in the last 1/3 of the speech!  He suddenly seemed natural and energized, and he almost perfectly hit upon speech text explaining the leftist extremism of the individual we currently have as a president.  If Ryan had been that engaged throughout the speech, he'd have earned my second "A" grade after Artur Davis last night.  My fellow Gen-X'er Ryan (a personable sort who's nonetheless way to the right of me), at the end of tonight, did himself and King Flipflopper a lot of good with this speech.  And to think, I was fully prepared over here to be for voting "C" on Ryan, before I was against it!

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Grades on gop-er Speeches I Watched Tonite from Their Convention: Ranging from A through D...

I won't even touch upon all the gop-ers I saw in Tampa in the crowd wearing cowboy hats (except to say, didn't their Mama ever tell them it's rude to wear your hat indoors?) ... But I will offer some observations and official Grades, based upon how each speech resonated with this Independent, with respect to the several speeches I watched tonight from the right-winger gop-er convention:

1.  Artur Davis (pictured above) (turncoat black Alabama congressman who recently switched from huge Obama supporter in 2008 to the gop-er party):  A-.  I don't like political turncoats at all (see Joe Lieberman, Colin Powell, Charlie Crist).  I've often said in this space that if you see fit to cast your lot behind one of these two terrible, corrupt, extremist, out-of-touch political parties, then at least have the character to stick with that choice and not abandon it when switchin' sides is in your political best interests.  That said, Davis in my opinion gave the best speech I saw tonight.  In his words were messages that talk very successfully to those of us in middle America who do not wish to embrace the gop-er right-wingers, but who also see a modern incarnation of the democrat party which is very foreign to us and which we cannot possibly support (likely ever again).

2.  Nikki Haley (South Carolina governor):  B.  Not a lot that the sometimes-tea-party favorite Haley had to say exactly resonated with me, but I thought she seemed (and surprisingly so) very comfortable on tonight's prime-time stage.  Right at home.  Truth be told, I could see this right-winger broad running for president someday, and perhaps even (although against the odds) successfully.  Too much focus on her unique experiences in South Carolina, but all in all, she did a good job for herself politically tonight.

3.  Chris Christie (New Jersey governor):  C.  And that grade may be fairly charitable on my part.  I fully expected a highly entertaining spectacle from the off-the-cuff, often-hot-headed NJ Gov in his headliner speech tonight, but I found it full of cliches and fairly boring.  His talk of "principled compromise" did resonate with me, but most of the rest of it seemed fairly typical.  Not that it was bad.  Just mediocre.  (Sorry, gop-ers, he ain't no Reagan).  Which means a "C" grade.

4. Rick Santorum (former PA senator and failed gop-er presidential candidate this year):  D.  Add to my various surprise above and below that the right-wingers put this guy in prime time, and his speech did nothing to question that sentiment.  This guy is your prototypical deranged right-winger, all too happy to focus on a bunch of social conservative agenda issues that most Americans simply don't care much about, especially in the face of a $16 Trillion National Debt and a "New Normal" 8% unemployment rate that seems unending.  Santorum's sub-par speech focused way too much on his own family (I thought he wasn't a candidate anymore?) and said something (more like several things) that were positively right-winger zany for every decent, resonating thing that he happened to spout (there were a few, but I can't even recall them now).  BUST.

5. Ann Romney (pictured at top) (spouse of gop-er presidential nominee, Mitt Romney):  B+.  She's not a politician, and it showed at times (her snickering for no good reason at various times in her speech), but all in all, I was surprised at how effective this non-politician, potential First Lady-to-be was in her speech.  She was natural in the setting and natural on her feet tonight.  Her speech (wonder who wrote for her? -- give that gal or guy a big raise!) adeptly propped up her Old Man while (for a so-called "non-political speech") taking plenty of tacit and not-so-tacit shots at the failed Obama presidency.  One could argue she deserves something in the "A" range, but I'm Old School to the last, I grade on the damn curve, and I've already given out my one "A" for the night.  Regardless, it's undeniable that Mitt's Old Lady did a hell of job kicking off this event tonight for the Old Man.

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He Was (And to a Large Extent Remains) The King of the World! So Why Is His Boyhood Home Run-Down & On the Market for Peanuts? I Say the Joint Should be Historically Preserved...

The countryside of America is riddled with preserved boyhood or girlhood homes of so-called historical figures who can't even shake a stick at "The Greatest," Muhammad Ali.  So why is his boyhood home in Louisville not being historically preserved?  Instead, the house is in terrible condition, worth less (in the abstract) than $25K reportedly, and currently on the market "by owner" for a paltry $50K (link below)...

Ali is one of the very biggest (if not The Biggest) sports figures in American history.  He remains to this day one of the most well-known (if not The Most Well-Known) Americans worldwide.  Go to some tiny village anywhere on the planet -- South America, Africa, Asia, doesn't matter -- and the locals, including many of the kids, will still to this day know his name and who he is.

He's always been that big.  Completely larger than life, even over the span of the last 25-plus years when the terrible disease of Parkinson's syndrome has robbed The Champ of most of his physical motor skills.  

Agree or disagree with Ali's past political stances -- including his late '60s U.S. Supreme Court case that pitted 1st Amendment religious freedom rights against a compulsory military draft -- it still remains undeniable that this man is one of the most fascinating, famous and memorable American sports or historical figures ever to exist.

In all the incredibly wasteful trillion-dollar spending of the Obama "stimulus" in 2009, you mean to tell me we couldn't find room for a mill or two to historically preserve The Greatest's boyhood home and turn it into a museum and/or tourist attraction?

And what about Louisville and the State of Kentucky?  Good Grief, Ali's is as big of a native son as you will ever have!  And you guys have also ignored this very obvious, intuitive opportunity to preserve a great big piece of history right there in your backyard?  Has Joe Frazier just been elected Mayor of Derby City or something?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2194426/Muhammad-Alis-childhood-home-sale-50-000-crumbling-property-worth-half-asking-price.html

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"I Think We're All Going to be a Lot Thinner": Drunk Man Gets "Trashed" in More Ways Than One, Somehow Survives Being Crushed TWICE in a Garbage Truck Compactor!

As these kinds of stories tend to go, at least this guy wasn't buck naked (link at bottom). And he was trying to be responsible.  That's why after recently getting wasted at a local bar in Portland, Oregon, 27-year-old Justin Gilpatrick (pictured above) says he made the decision to sleep it off rather than trying to drive home.

So he just fell asleep in his car 'til morning?  Nope.  Found a nice park bench to lay down upon?  Nah.  Simply took a long powder right there on the sidewalk?  Nothing like that, either.  Instead, the pie-eyed Gilpatrick reportedly curled up inside a damn trash dumpster.  Where ELSE would one ever possibly choose to lay his head?!?  (Although, maybe he was famished and looking for some scraps before hitting the hay?)

And being a dumpster, there's always the little problem of the fact that they, you know, tend to get picked up and tossed in the back of a trash compactor truck every now and then.  Which is precisely what reportedly happened at about 1:00 a.m. that night.

After the truck drooped the dumpster's trashy contents (including Gilpatrick) back in its compactor, the truck driver reportedly "drove for about a quarter of a mile and compacted his load twice before hearing Gilpatrick's terrified screams."

Lucky for this tanked trash man Gilpatrick, there wasn't much trash in the truck at the time -- which reportedly savid his life. Also lucky for him that the driver heard him screeching. 

As for that male driver, a local "waste management spokeswoman" told the media  that the driver deserves commendation for stopping the truck and "shutting down all of the moving parts" after he heard Gilpatrick raisin' a ruckus back there.  And with grounds like that for commendation from the ol' trash truck company, I'd hate to see what it takes to garner a reprimand from 'em.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/oregon-man-survives-being-compacted-dumpster-twice-175751385.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/13/justin-gilpatrick-survives-recycling-truck-compactor_n_1772507.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

They Call Her the "Sea Hag," and Watch Out You Don't Get Killed (Like Some Codger Down in Florida) If You're Not Willing to Turn Over a Fair Share of Your Booze to Her...

It's an old lyric so on-point with reality that a judge recently used it in a written court decision in Florida: In this life, there are certain things that you just don't do -- "You don't tug on Superman's cape/You don't spit into the wind/You don't pull the mask off that old Long Ranger" . . . And now add to that list: You don't mess around with the Sea Hag if she wants to borrow a brewski off ya...

It apparently doesn't take a whole hell of a lot to get the Sea Hag to pull her pistol and start firing (much like Popeye's nemesis of the same name in the old cartoons).  She's 62-year-old leatherface Carolyn Dukeshire (pictured above; links below). Although I never would have thunk it, the linked stories report that Dukeshire's "'Sea Hag' nickname stems from her weathered appearance."  With that cleared up...

The ol' Sea Hag was apparently VERY thirsty (and then some) on one recent night. Cops in Conch Key, Florida say the old battle axe spied her neighbor (64-year-old Martin Mazur) and his friends drinking out in the neighbor's yard after the group had returned from a night out at a local joint called "Brass Monkey" (That Funky Monkey).

And I suppose that by the Sea Hag's way of thinking, she took one look at that cooler full of beer and applied some of the same principles we've been seeing on the news lately: 

Neighbor didn't build that cooler. He didn't put that stash together on his own. He had help. Roads, bridges and teachers were involved. And that means he needs to share. As in, everyone gets their fair share. And everyone pays their fair share. Whatever fair share means. Or so the Sea Hag must've thought...

Only problem? Neighbor Mazur apparently didn't hear that speech. And when the Sea Hag approached and demanded a beer, he told the old nag to buzz off.  Bad move, neighbor dude...

Cops say that upon being refused her booze, the Sea Hag (who came packin' heat) immediately pulled out a sidearm and started blasting. And kept blasting. All told, the Sea Hag allegedly hit Mazur with bullets all about the wrist, abdomen and back.

Mazur was dead; meantime, the Sea Hag allegedly tried to jettison her weapon out to sea by tossing it in a nearby canal. Regardless, cops still tossed her old Sea Hag ass in the hoosegow on first degree murder charges. But methinks this one may have eventual presidential pardon written all over it.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/sea-hag-charged-killing-man-give-beer-article-1.1125007
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2181439/Woman-dubbed-Sea-Hag-fatally-shoots-man-times--refused-beer.html

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Senate Candidate in Washington State Tells Reporter to "Go Fuck Yourself!" Why Can't We Give These Politicians the Same Treatment? Actually, We Can. What's Sauce for the Goose...

He's some right-wing buffoon called Michael Baumgartner (pictured immediately above), and he's a gop-er Senate candidate in Washington.  The linked story explains how this boob told a Seattle Met magazine reporter to "go fuck yourself" after the reporter asked him "to clarify his position on abortion."

You know, I'd love to see more of us, the American people, telling the politicians on both sides the very same thing.  As much as these slimeball politicians go around using vile rhetoric constantly -- including those from a sleazy democrat party whose disingenuousness-embodiment president actually had the gall to preach "civility" to us a few years back -- I think they could use a little of their own treatment and business from us every now and then.

So: To the deranged right-winger republic partisan gop-ers; And to the loony leftist 20 percenter democrat party creatures (and even to borrow a little Joe Biden lingo and cadence):  Y'all can officially go FUCK YOUR-selves!  

 That's a sentiment and spirit that this space has always embraced, and always will.  And if you want a bit more "civility", then OK, I gots your civility over here:  G-F-Y!  How's that?

http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/neo/launch?.rand=fn8ei5u96pcfa

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He's Stayin'! Deranged Right-Winger gop-er Missouri U.S. Senate Candidate Todd Akin Thumbs His Ugly Schnoz at Party Brass, Says He'll Remain in the Race Despite His Recent Disgusting Rape Comments. Works For Me!

I thought for sure this idiot would get out.  Akin had a Tuesday 5 p.m. deadline (after which his name cannot come off the ballot), and he'd been told by top republic partisan party slimeballs across the country (including King Flipflopper Romney himself) to just bow out. Just go away.  But instead late Tuesday, Akin gave us his best "I'm Stayin'" impersonation from the immediately above-pictured Old Dead Cow Face Roy Williams in Y2K!...

All this after this right-winger goof Akin weighed in last Sunday -- in a very, very dumb fashion -- with his views on the issue of rape victims who want an abortion.  As a part of expressing such viewpoint (which most would consider to be extreme) that even rape victims should not be able to have an abortion,  Akin blathered the following in the now-notorious Sunday interview:  "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down." 

Leaving aside the obvious issue that no rape is ever "legitimate" (extremely Biden-like phraseology), there appears to be not one shred of scientific or medical evidence out there that women who are raped are somehow able to "shut down" the pregnancy process internally without needing to resort to an abortion. Sort of like, in a much different context, that there's no real tried and true method for internally fixing stupid...

These asinine comments garnered widespread national calls from gop-ers that Akin (and that God-awful toupee) resign his party's nomination, while predictably drawing NO such calls from members of the democrat party -- since this is exactly the kind of goof the democrat party wants running against highly vulnerable incumbent Missouri U.S. Senator Claire McCaskill (herself a rather pathetic political creature whom I view to be just as much of a slimeball as Akin, for the record).

Akin's decision to stay in the race was very surprising to me, because he's been told by myriad scuzjob gop-er party powerbrokers that his national money is now going to shrivel up even more quickly than his melon rug has in recent years, not to mention a complete disappearance of gop-er PAC ad support.  In that sort of environment -- where McCaskill is sure to far outspend Akin -- his chances for victory sure don't look so good (with his only chance being McCaskill's high and well-deserved unfavorability ratings with Missouri voters).

But regardless of all that, He's Stayin'!  And I, for one, am glad.  Just think:  If this moron can't even go more than a few weeks after his gop-er nomination without saying something as completely stupid as he did on Sunday, then just imagine some of the things that'll be coming out his mouth between now and November!  We should be in store for some high entertainment over here.  Which is about the most you can ever ask from these sleazebucket gop-ers and democrat party people, truth be told.

http://washingtonexaminer.com/akin-we-are-going-to-continue-with-this-race-for-the-us-senate/article/2505506

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Stick a Fork in the Slimeball, He's Done: 73-Year-Old "Gangster Granny" in Houston Gives Burglar a Real "Pain in the Neck" with a BBQ Fork!

She stuck it to his scuzjob ass (errr, neck) all too good!  73-year-old Margaret Jackson (pictured above and below; links below) -- a "tough-talking Houston grandmother" says she doesn't mind at all the new nickname the locals have given her.  She's the "Gangster Granny" -- a new moniker earned after she recently carved up a would-be intruder's neck with a huge fork like said neck was a BBQ brisket or something...

Double G says she spotted the crumbwad shinnying his way in through a window in her daughter's home, and that's when all hell broke loose!  First Granny reportedly grabbed a "pair of scissors and a barbeque fork" and "raced" towards the goonbag in order to show him what's what. A struggle ensued, says Granny, in which the dirtwagon "pushed me."

But when the creepshow next tried running out the home like the coward that he is, "Jackson was set on showing him who was boss."  Said Granny:  "He got to running, and right here I got him -- WHACK -- in the neck!" (as she points towards the huge BBQ fork she deposited right in the sewer rat's scrawny little neck).

Granny says she even got the sleazebucket real good as he tried to scale a fence to escape:  "He ran, he jumped that fence, but I got him with this here [again exhibiting the fork] -- I got him in the neck!"

And now, reports the New York Daily News, Jackson is "certain the punk will think twice about coming back for seconds."  Says Granny:  "Well, he gonna go tell all his friends so they don't come here."  Yes, I would think so -- since, while the brutejacket burglar remains on the loose, I gotta think he knows that ol' Granny might next time get them scissors goin' in addition to the fork.  Can you say, a little "fillet of finkbait" to toss out on the barbie?

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/gangster-granny-houston-pain-neck-would-be-robbers-article-1.1140076
http://www.click2houston.com/news/Police-Gangster-granny-stabs-Houston-home-invasion-suspect/-/1735978/16179646/-/mahqbuz/-/index.html

Double Bogey: Just Released from the Can, St. Louis Man Allegedly Boosts a Damn Golf Cart for Ride Home, Then Drives It Halfway Across City!

If you've just been let out the hoosegow, I'd assume you have many options for getting home.  You can call your old lady to come and get your jailbird ass.  Or you can hail a cab.  Or call one.  Or catch a bus. Or hitchhike.  Or, if the mood strikes, there's of course always the option of scrounging around for the nearest golf cart and letting it do the job...

Cops in Clayton, Missouri say 27-year-old Richard Blome (pic above; link below) was only in the freezer for a couple hours last week after being arrested on a property destruction charge. Upon his release, perhaps Blome was too embarrassed to call the old lady, and perhaps too cash-strapped to call a cab -- because cops say he immediately took to "wandering around" and looking for a ride. That's when he reportedly "stumbled" upon a golf cart down at the local parks & rec barn, jimmied the ignition, and hit the road!

Cops say Blome (apparently no relation to his British cartographer namesake) proceeded to drive said golf cart halfway across town for two hours, from the central St. Louis suburb of Clayton all the way down to southern suburb of Lemay -- an odyssey of at least 12 miles!  The alleged joy ride first included a jaunt down heavily traveled U.S. 40, although cops say Blome did play it safe by sticking to the highway's shoulder (smart thinkin').

And this braintrust Blome even apparently found time for a little "off-roading" adventure, since "mud covered much of the cart" when Blome was finally through with it.  Speaking of which, while your average golf cart thief would typically think to stash that ride in a garage or some other place not likely to garner ready attention, cops say Blome ditched his cart right out in someone's front yard just down the block from his home!

Cops found the golf cart, and they're now calling this case a real "curiosity around the police department" -- whatever the hell that means.  They've also slapped Blome with a felony motor vehicle theft charge.  "Instead of just calling someone for a ride home, he ended up riding himself into a class C felony," quipped one of the local cops like something out of a bad "Dragnet" episode.  In fact, I think this whole story was a bad Dragnet episode, circa 1968.

http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/man-drives-stolen-golf-cart-from-clayton-to-lemay/article_a700cb5c-e8a0-11e1-854f-001a4bcf6878.html

Pro Bojo: Defense Attorney, Claiming He Hasn't Scored with Wife Since the Clinton Administration, Heads Down to the Hoosegow & Gets a Lewinsky from One of His Female Con Clients!

No, his name is not Oral Roberts, but instead Curtis Cannon (pictured above), and the Las Vegas criminal defense attorney is now facing criminal charges of his own after admitting to hitting up 23-year-old con client Crystal Wallis (pictured above and below) for a free whistle blow right down inside the damn jailhouse! (Links at bottom).

Cops say Cannon visited the Stir under the guise of paying a legal visit to his client Crystal, who's stuck up in the freezer after being convicted on drug charges and for trying to boost a car. Only problem? Cops had suspected that Cannon's been down there gettin' pole smokes from multiple female con clients. So they had a hidden camera in the ol' visiting room during Cannon's recent liaison with Crystal.  Busted!

The footage taken from the camera reportedly shows this lovestick-leveling lawyer first planting a big smoocheroo on Crystal before whippin' out his jurisprudence jackhammer right there in front of the broad!  Next Cannon is reportedly shown keeping a lookout through the room's window while his little con number Crystal gives a whole new meaning to speaking into the mike at the counsel table...

And apparently no sooner than this beef-bayonet-toting barrister had received his happy ending from the client, he was buzzing himself out the room and making a beeline out of sight faster than a tort defendant's motion in the Ninth Circuit.  Quick, efficient services rendered -- a regular client's dream over there!

Now while Cannon has fessed up to cops about yafflin' the yogurt cannon with the client, he's also apparently trying to blow the bugle on some sort of twisted "impossibility of complying with the law" defense.  Says this summer sausage-swinging solicitor, he "hasn't had sex with his wife for 14 years," so what's a dude to do?

To do? Well, divorce for one thing, if that crazy story's true.  But regardless, my one lingering question is whether Counsel Cap'n Winkie actually billed his moll client for the time spent advising her how to roll a common law cigar?  Maybe he'll get another 14 years to think about it.

http://www.lvrj.com/news/lawyer-client-arrested-on-jail-sex-charge-165305686.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2186077/Defense-attorney-busted-receiving-oral-sex-female-client-DURING-jail-visit.html

The Most Brain-Dead Vice President Since Dan Quayle? Joe Biden Makes a Jackass Out of Himself Yet Again This Week, Forgetting What Century We're Living In!

Said Biden on Wednesday:  "Folks, where's it written we cannot lead the world in the 20th century in making automobiles?"

Maybe the gop-ers have put the ol' chains on this fool's brain?

And what's with these Obama people and their democrat party wanting to take us all back to the '50s?!? 

1850s one day, 1950s the next.  It's like a bad John Carpenter horror picture incorporating deranged elements of both the TV show "Mad Men" and the old classic series "Roots." 

And if Biden's next gaffe conjures up British colonial rule in the 1750s, we're really gonna have to get out the damn straightjacket.  Jeez Louise.

http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/biden-folks-wheres-it-written-we-cant-lead-world-20th-century_650017.html

Civility: Obama Vice President Joe Biden Tells Crowd of Hundreds of Black Voters in Virginia that Romney & the gop-ers Are "Gonna Put Y'all Back in Chains!"

Meantime Obama appears fully supportive of such rhetoric, with his deputy campaign manager Stephanie Cutter saying the Obama campaign has "no problem with those comments."

Ya know, I very rarely vote for gop'ers (and don't intend to vote for Romney), but I've also made the statement more than once in recent years in this space that I find it highly doubtful that I will vote for another member of the democrat party ever again.

In case one might ever wonder why that's the case, statements like those above, directly from the sitting American Vice President and the sitting President's campaign -- the disgusting likes of which are heard quite frequently anymore from them and their fellow democrat partisans -- tell the whole tale.

http://freebeacon.com/biden-on-romney-theyre-going-to-put-yall-back-in-chains/
http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/biden-warns-audience-including-black-voters-that-republicans-want-to-put-them-back-in-chains/2012/08/14/be308476-e66f-11e1-9739-eef99c5fb285_story.html

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh -- I have a Postscript:  RIP Horshack. 

I Think I'd Rather Stay in Foster Care: Teen Girl in Georgia Allegedly Treated to Dog Collar, Electrical Shocks and Hen House Living (& A Whole Lotta More) by Lout-Like Adoptive Parents...

I'm thinking it should be a required pledge -- a legal prerequisite to parenthood. I'm talking a law saying that new parents (whether natural or adoptive), prior to being allowed to take custody of a kid, must recite a whole littany of things they promise never to do as parents.  Such as slapping an electrified dog collar on the kid. Or forcing the kid to reside in small pen made from old chicken wire...

Cops in Butler, Georgia say they had to take a 15-year-old adopted daughter away from Mama and Daddy (Diana and Samuel Franklin; pictured above). Now, while that might normally be considered a rather rash move, maybe not so much when one considers the living hell that Mama and Daddy allegedly created for the girl (link at bottom)...

First, the girl was allegedly made to wear a big dog collar (the one pictured above) -- and it was one of those special ones that allows an owner to remotely put an electrical shock into Spot when he acts up.  And wouldn't ya know that Mama and Daddy weren't gonna let that little feature go to waste. They allegedly had an itchier trigger finger on that little button than a Mexican gangbanger totin' a Fast & Furious gun courtesy of the Obama/Holder Justice Department.

Next up came the sleeping arrangements.  And they were positively putrid (allegedly).  Cops say the teen "was made to live in a chicken coop" (the one pictured below), where she was kept "locked up."  And all that shock and filth was just for starters...

Neighbors have told cops that Mama and Daddy subjected the girl to a regular regimen of "hard manual labor" -- like something out of a bad 70s prison film.  That allegedly included forcing the girl to dig ditches in the hot summer sun as if she was a one-man chain gang.

Mama and Daddy also allegedly had her out there in sun "toting rocks up the road" and taking care of their garden.  And for all of the girl's efforts, Mama and Daddy allegedly "would only feed the teen bread and water for days."

And just think about that: If these allegations are true, there wasn't a single aspect of the girl's life -- food, shelter or even routine everyday living -- that wasn't rotten to the core. I can't think of a better definition for the concept of "HELL"...

And here's hoping that Mama and Daddy (who now face a bevy of criminal charges)  learn a whole new meaning for that word, both in this life (locked up in the freezer) and in the next one (downstairs in the hot box). Just be sure to leash 'em and outfit them in chicken wire for the journey.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/georgia-couple-forces-adopted-daughter-wear-shock-collar-neck-authorities-article-1.1112675
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2172484/Adopted-teenager-forced-wear-shock-collar-neck-live-chicken-coup-say-authorities.html

Archie Bunker Would Keel Over in His Chair: A Presidential Race Between a Black Man, a Mormon & Two Catholic VP Candidates (Including a Kraut-Mick)! Too Bad the Choice Is Between Obama & Romney...

This will be an historic election in one sense:  The first African-American president and his Roman Catholic VP running against the first Mormon presidential candidate and his a German-Irish Catholic running mate in Paul Ryan (I can say "Kraut-Mick," since I am one).  If you'd told me as a young college student in the early 90s that there would ever be such an election in my lifetime, I would've laughed right in your face.

But that may be one of the few positives about this race, which ultimately pits a narcissistic far-leftist ideologue against a prototypical gop-er politician whom I'm convinced really doesn't stand for much of anything.  Romney, however, did make a good choice in Paul Ryan, speaking from a purely political perspective.  All the democrat party howls this weekend that Romney made a "terrible choice" serve as little more than evidence that they wished Romney had picked someone different (link at bottom).

But people don't vote for vice presidential candidates, and no VP selection has changed the outcome of an election since LBJ delivered Texas (and a lot of other southern votes) to JFK in 1960.  2012 will be no different.  Still, I think Ryan will help Romney far more than he hurts him.  First, Ryan will stir up a right-winger gop-er base that's been very skeptical of Romney, Romney's campaign staff, and the campaign that Romney's so far been running. 

And regardless of what you think of Ryan's conservative politics (he's way to the right of me), he has long struck me (along with Marco Rubio) as one of the most intelligent, well-spoken young gop-ers out there.  Ryan's talent may not be so much for the teleprompter speech, but he has exceptional skills on his feet and is a very good communicator.  Have fun in that debate, Joe Biden.  Because Sarah Palin will be at home primpin' her hair.

http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/313732/smart-democrats-should-be-worried-john-fund

Hark, I Hear Dreadful (Yet Deadly) Music: Old Man Allegedly Shoots His Karaoke-Singing Son in Order to "Shut Him Up"!

It's a part of the parental role, after all: Corrective action. So if Sonny's cursing, the parents should wash his mouth out with soap. If Sonny's stinkin' up the joint, Mama should force him to hit the showers.  And if Sonny keeps belting out tunes despite not being able to sing a lick, then the Old Man should pull a gun and pump some lead into Sonny until he shuts the hell up!

Cops say that's precisely how it went down in Shasta County, California, where 70-year-old Daddy William Oller, Sr. (pictured above and below), is facing trial on attempted murder charges for allegedly "shooting his son to stop him from singing" (link at bottom).

Cops say that day started off gloriously enough, with the Old Man paying a nice family visit to the home of his 50-year-old son (William Oller, Jr.). But things took a turn for the worse, apparently, when Junior quickly took to belting out some old standards, karaoke style, right there in front of the Old Man.

And either Junior has one rotten voice, or else the Old Man has one rotten disposition (or both, likely), since cops say the Old Man soon reached a point where he could stands no more of Junior's performance...

When Junior just kept a' crooning, I figure the Old Man's options were: (a) Go home; (b) Cover the ears; (c) Insert some ear plugs; (d) Sit there and take it; or, of course, (e) whip out a pistol and shut Junior up the old-fashioned way!

And since there are three (e)'s in "demented," I think the Old Man's choice should be readily apparent. Cops say the Old Man first shouted out to Sonny a not-so-cryptic warning in the form of, "I'm going to shut you up!" Then it was out the door for Daddy to allegedly "grab a semi-automatic pistol from his pick-up truck" before heading back inside the joint.

At that point, the karoake machine might as well have been blaring the old Jim Croce song, since the lyrics therefrom (with only a name change) pretty accurately tell the story: "Those two men took to fightin', and when they pulled them from the floor, Junior looked like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple a' pieces gone..."

In short, Sonny's musical act was done for the day after he received multiple .22 caliber gunshot wounds (allegedly) from the Old Man's gun during their scuffle. And the next time Junior has a hankerin' to take to the mic in Daddy's presence, I gots one word of advice for him:  Auto-Tune.

http://www.ksee24.com/news/local/Man-Who-Shot-Son-Over-Karaoke-Dispute-Charged-with-Attempted-Murder-163074676.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2176021/It-annoying-Father-charged-attempted-murder-shooting-son-dispute-karaoke-singing.html

"I Get Up Around Whenever": Polling Place Pandemonium in the Motor City as "Polls Open Late After Official Oversleeps" and THEN Voters Get a Good Frisking Before Being Allowed to Vote!

Who was supposed to open this joint up, anyway, Mr. Brownstone?  They should've known from the old song that he used to get up around seven but no longer gets up on time.  But obviously, a little tardiness at an event can always be made up for with some gratuitous pat-downs, free of charge...

You know, while I very rarely vote for a member of the democrat party or republic partisan party, I do almost always vote. So remind me to stear clear of the Henry Ford High School neighborhood in Detroit.  Because casting a ballot there seems to be a tougher chore than navigating a shark tank with a load of hog jowls and chump-chops strapped all across your ass.

Of course, it's a bit difficult to cast a ballot in the first place if the joint has a big chain and lock on the front door.  But for Tuesday's Detroit elections, "the person who was supposed to open the school reportedly didn't wake up in time to open the doors when polls opened at 7 p.m." (links at bottom; picture of the frenzied scene immediately above).

And after they finally got that door unlocked later in the morning, one poll worker apparently felt the need to conduct a little impromptu security detail on the ol' voters.  After all, packin' heat down at the polling place is one of America's most time-honored traditions.  You can't be too careful.

So, in particular, "some voters were patted down as they entered" the school, just to be safe. Confirmed one of the locals: "There was indeed an individual who was frisking individuals and winding down for weapons." 

But I do personally find all of this to be very instructive in advance of the November elections. Since Detroit shows that you "just never never know," I'm going to be sure to sleep 'til noon on November 6 and leave my stiletto and sidearm at home.  Takin' no chances over here! This Independent will not be disenfranchised.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYDnQwi3OQ
http://detroit.cbslocal.com/2012/08/07/polling-problems-doors-closed-voters-frisked-in-detroit/