I get that it's a rotten economy and the common element of water being involved, but sorry -- nude bathing and public car washes just don't mix. And I don't care how much you like to multitask or to kill two birds with one detail job. But those sentiments sure as hell didn't stop one Rhode Island man from showing off his leafless little soldier at a Massachusetts car wash recently...65-year-old Robert E. Bailey even admits he unveiled his water pump and bare undercarriage during his little float trip through the local Economy Car Wash. I just hope he wasn't try to polish the chrome with that one-eyed turtle wax.
Things began to rain all over the deranged waterman's parade when a 45-year-old woman noticed Bailey washing his pickup truck while sporting nothing but a smile and an unsheathed view of his booster pump. None too appreciative, the woman looked to blow Bailey right out of the water by calling the cops.
That's when Bailey tried to test the waters with a little clearcoat subterfuge by tossing on a pair of briefs before the cops showed up. Yeah, that'll show 'em! Why bother putting all your clothes on, after all, when it's really only necessary to toss a wash rag over Long Dong Silver and his two little friends?But regardless, Bailey's effort to cover up the evidence just didn't wash or hold any water with the cops, who busted Bailey's bare, washed-up ass on an "open and gross conduct" charge. And that was a hard charge to fight, I'd imagine, since nothing says "gross" quite like a stark-naked fog horn (even with reverse osmosis).
So this week Bailey pleaded guilty to the charge, and apparently as a result avoided any hard time (or soap dropping) inside the local water cooler. He instead received a year's probation, but before muddying the water with any suggestion that he got off spot free...
...Bailey's still in hot water. Get some degreaser to spray down this scuzball.First, his little tunnel wash stunt means he now has to register as a sex offender -- officially making this the most expensive car wash since the Roman chariots got stuck in the Carthaginian mud during the first Punic War in 250 BC. (I know, because I was there, said Patton).
Bailey's also now had his water cut off, since the judge ordered him to stay away from Economy Car Wash -- whether he's naked or fully-clothed at the time.
He can't even so much as set foot in the prep area. But tell me -- how's a grown man to keep himself clean, shiny and fully waxed with all these restrictions?!?
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