These critters give me the jitters. It's apparently not enough that we have to deal with the devil we already know in the form of lowly sewer rats and titmice trying to get into the house to pillage our food stores (more on that in a minute). At least we've dealt with that before.But now there's a whole new type of home invasion threat in Florida, and I'm not talking about the latest flash mob of punkass Gen-Z teenagers. Nope: In Palm Beach and Broward counties, big lizards from Africa are reportedly running amok.
Have I ever mentioned before that I hate rodents and reptiles? (And insects. And birds if they try to come in the house. And any creature that might try to eat me. And politicians...)
This Nasty Lizard Can Whip You, Eat at You, and Claw You, All in One Fell Swoop
It's called the "Nile Monitor Lizard" (pictured at top). It's seven feet-long and can tend to bring a rather unruly disposition. It's also invading portions of the State of Florida.
No, it does not appear that the lizards went through the Suez Canal and swam over to North America. Instead, "experts say" the growing Florida population of these lizards is attributable to people keeping them as pets and then later setting them free into the wild. What's more, "their numbers are now multiplying at an alarming rate in canals amid the sub-tropical climate."
But don't worry, because authorities in Florida are all over this situation. Authorities there are telling residents that if they happen to see one of these lizards, then "run." With advice like that, who needs violent criminals, no? Just run away if you happen upon one!
For good measure, authorities are warning that if you spot one of these lizards, do not try to apprehend said reptile yourself. (Gosh, and I had already pulled out my flyswatter and trash bag before hearing that).
Regardless, you would want to run if you spotted one of these creatures -- "they have long tails that they can use like whips, sharp teeth and claws and typically prey on birds and small pets." They also reportedly become quite nasty with humans if you get close to one.
The lizards can also reportedly "run at speeds of 15 mph and swim for one hour under water." Recently, one of these things reportedly slinked its way into a Florida home through a doggy door (reinforcing the old adage respected by most intelligent adults, i.e. Don't Have a Doggy Door!, which only invites every outside creature on the green earth into your home).
This Thing Smelled Worse Than Triple Anchovies on a Caesar Salad
I think I will have to think twice before the next time I buy one of those bags of lettuce on special at the grocery store for a buck. And you should too, lest you prefer rat in your garden greens.
Saginaw, Michigan resident John Jones (pictured above) says "it wasn't quite what he had in mind when he decided to liven up his pre-packaged bag of salad with some croutons." This poor guy was absolutely repulsed to find "a disemboweled mouse buried in the mixed leaves on his dinner plate" (also pictured above). (That monstrosity looks more like a rat to me, frankly).
So what we had here wasn't just some filthy little dead titmouse. In addition, the damn thing had its "guts hanging out" and its "insides spilling on the plate." Said Jones:
"I moved a couple of leaves and there was the mouse, a dead mouse laying on its back, and you could see the guts hanging out."
Jones had already eaten from the salad. His immediate reaction to this putrid sight? A beeline straight to the shithouse in order to puke. (My reaction would have been identical).
Jones says he found the mutilated titmouse in a bag of Dole Tender Garden salad, which the Daily Mail reports is supposed to contain "a robust blend of delicate baby greens and lettuces, earthy baby spinach and sweet carrots [that] temper peppery radicchio and the invigorating bite of frisee."
And indeed. Nothing says "robust, earthy, peppery and invigorating," after all, quite like a grungy little titmouse with its internal organs spewing all over the joint.
Turns out that Jones' girlfriend and seven-year-old son had also sampled the greens before Jones' grisly little discovery. So the threesome raced to the emergency room, although it seems that they are all fine so far.
The Kroger grocery store (where Jones bought the salad) and the Dole Company have been most gracious in responding to the incident -- both "offering to refund Jones the $2.49 he'd paid for the bag." And Dole went way beyond the call of duty, offering up 25 bucks and some Dole salad coupons.
But something tells me that salad coupons are the last thing on earth that Jones wants right about now. I'm guessing he may looking for a little titmouse-for-tat. Yep, I think we know where this one's heading, and I don't mean the titmouse hole.
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