This crazy story actually makes a certain degree of sense up to a point, and that's where it all breaks down and goes horribly wrong. I'm talkin' Big Bowl of Frozen Wrong -- and all of the sprinkles and gummy worms in the ice cream parlor ain't gonna sweeten this rotten deal.The Cops Were Interested in More Than Just the Neopolitan
It all started late last week when cops in suburban Philly received a report of Jack & Jill ice cream truck (similar to the one pictured above) "merrily weaving in and out of traffic" on southbound Route 1. The erratic ice cream truck's rocky road came to a screeching halt minutes later when the cops pulled it over.
From the jump, cops knew there was something amiss in the ice cream vehicle, as "the truck smelled like a giant carton of rum raisin." Cops say the driver -- 46-year-old Yassir Hassan (pictured above in his mugshot) -- looked "bleary" and was completely wasted. Happier than a collie eating a frozen fudge bar.
And he wasn't just headin' home from the bars. Nope, cops say this demented dessert dealer was driving around and guzzling down wine on the job as if vino was goin' outta style. Cops say they found several wine boxes inside the truck.
That Wine's Gotta Go Somewhere
So the picture the cops are alleging shapes up like this: The wine-pounding ice cream peddler was tooling around in the ol' ice cream truck and gettin' his drink on right there on the causeway. And what happens when you binge drink like that? A neverending supply of piss in the bladder, of course.
Which logically explains why cops also found several water bottles "brimming with urine" on Yassir's magical ice cream party van. After all, why bother pulling over at White Castle to use the shithouse when you can just relieve yourself right there on the turnpike? No stop involved, you save a bit of gas and time, and you also put those empty water bottles to constructive use -- sort of like recycling, in a way.
What's that Yellow Stuff Next to the Drumsticks?
But that's where the logic ends faster than Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry crashing into the side of a Dairy Queen. In perhaps "the bust's most chilling detail," cops say that Yassir was storing some of the piss in the truck's freezer next to the ice cream products! Like "yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye." That definitely does not cut the custard with me.
While the linked stories are silent on the issue, unless Yassir was preserving the piss for later use as a crab grass killer or something, there's only one possible reason he'd be freezing urine along with the Dilly Bars: Dude must have been adding the piss in some form to his frozen offerings to the public!
The possibilities here may have been endless. He could have added the bitter liquid to his shaved ice slushes. Or he could have included it as an ice cream topping along with the M&M's and nuts. And don't discount the possibility of the aforementioned piss-sickles and split pee pistachio. And can you say: Banana piss split?
The Rig Had Less Running Water than a Mississippi Shithouse
Now that may not even be the worst part of this whole story: Here you've got this guy allegedly motoring around yanking out Mr. Johnson over and over again to whizz in the water bottles (allegedly), and cops say he had no way of washing his hands on the truck!
And this guy's selling ice cream to little kids! Talk about Poppy gettin' Sloppy.
Put This Knucklehead on Ice in the Freezer -- But Not So Fast...
But now Yassir will probably have to take his little frozen water bottle act to the sort of icehouse where the only things cold are the showers, the concrete and the inhabitants. Cops busted Yassir's chilly ass for DUI.
However, even that might not stop this frozen freak for the time being. Some trusty "officials" from the impound yard where the truck was taken say that since Yassir works as an independent contractor, he "has a legal right to reclaim the truck and go back to selling ice cream" in the area.
And you can't have a situation like that without a good "you might think twice" line. Leave it to the local ABC affiliate to deliver the goods faster than a piss-garnished soft serve out the side of Yassir's truck. Said WPVI-TV: "The next time you see this ice cream man, police say you might want to think twice before you buy that sundae." (Cheesy, but effective.)
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/crime&id=8136953
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/05/18/2011-05-18_ice_cream_man_busted_for_drunk_driving_cops_find_boxes_of_wine_bottles_of_urine_.html?r=news/national
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