HUNG VERDICT!

In perhaps the very final installment of the Brett Favre/Jenn Sterger Sexting/Donging Scandal, NFL Don Roger Goodell decrees from on high that (1) while Favre will be fined $50,000 for failing to fully cooperate with the NFL’s investigation into allegations that Favre sexted/donged photos of his junk to football reporter/eye candy babe Jenn Sterger, (2) the NFL has basically reached a hung verdict on the issue of whether Favre actually committed the dirty deed.

Put another way, and to quote NFL replay nomenclature, the evidence was too “inconclusive” to support a finding that Favre donged a pic of his package to Sterger’s cellphone. More specifically, Godfather Goodell says that he “could not conclude” that Favre committed that act since “forensic analysis” failed to “establish” conclusively that Favre donged the X-rated snapshots of Mr. Johnson to Ms. Sterger.

In the carefully worded language of Boss Goodell, neither Favre nor Sterger was exonerated nor convicted with respect to their stories. In short, Don Vito Goodell threw up his hands and screamed, “I’ve had enough ‘a this – whatsamatta wid you?” He then threw the case out of court, only slapping Favre on the wrist for his failure to cooperate with the investigation as much as the NFL might have liked.

So what’s the truth here? Who the hell knows. But it’s been a very funny (and page-view-friendly) story to follow. Methinks (and I am speculating) that Goodfella Goodell knows damn well what the truth is, but for whatever reasons is falling back to the ol’ “hung verdict” excuse. But hell, what do I really care? This is all total tabloid crap to begin with (and as stated, great for page views! Must it end?!?).

http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-nfl-report-20101230,0,2986880.story

I Know the Feeling of Picking Up Merchandise Too Big For My Britches, But on a Burglary Heist? Dim-Witted Burglars Snatch TV Too Big For Getaway Car!

It was circa 1999 at d’Bronx pizza parlor in the Westport district of Kansas City, Missouri. Thinking I was merely ordering an extra-large (perhaps 16” or so) pizza, I made the mistake of ordering the joint’s “Party Size” pie (loaded with probably 8-10 toppings, since I’m not a single-topping sort of guy). Little did I know that such monster was a full 30-incher (pictured above) and quite voluminous to boot.

My first clue that trouble was in store was when another person had to help me haul the gigantic pizza out to my car. And that’s when the fun began, seeing as I then drove a white 1996 Ford Mustang GT convertible (I sure miss that car). No way was that pie going to fit into the little tiny trunk, and we also couldn’t figure out a way to squeeze it through the front seat and into the back seat.

Luckily it was a convertible, so as a last gasp effort I was able to take the top down and angle the giant box (nearly vertically) in that miniscule back seat. Needless to say, the pizza was thoroughly ruined because it all slid down to the bottom of the box, forming a rather sickening, gooey blob of toppings and dough in that part of the container.

That monster costs 75 bucks today, and was probably 55-60 smackers back in the day. What a waste – but at least I paid for it and wasn’t trying to knock over the pizzeria or anything.

In contrast, and speaking of wastes, that brings me to the curious case of some dumbass burglars in Sacramento. Not only were these dudes slimeballs, they were also particularly moronic sleazewads. Police say they tried to rip off a giant television from a local home, only to get the TV out to their Lexus and find that the TV wouldn’t fit in the car!

I guess they at least had the minimal level of intelligence necessary to ascertain that cutting the TV into pieces would serve no constructive re-sale burglarly purpose, since they just dumped the TV on the curb and hightailed it for the hills. (They could have at least had the courtesy to return the TV to the living room since they couldn't take it!).

A neighbor reportedly witnessed this sorry charade and called the cops, who have already made one arrest in the case and are looking for two additional suspects. They might want to check out the local kindergarten, funny farm or state capitol building since what the cops are looking for ain’t exactly the two sharpest knives in the proverbial kitchen drawer.

http://www.foxreno.com/news/26296010/detail.html

If Obama Has Time on His Hands to Contact NFL Teams About Personnel Decisions, Maybe He Can Next Contact the Kansas City Chiefs About Their Backup QB?

The news over the past day that Obama actually found time in his schedule to contact the Philadelphia Eagles and express his presidential approval for the Eagles allowing Michael Vick to play on their team (BTW, why didn't this occur 2 years ago when the Eagles first signed him?) really got me thinking:

Maybe next Obama can place a call to Kansas City Chiefs' General Manager Scott Pioli and advise Pioli to give Chiefs' backup quarterback Brodie Croyle his walking papers when the season is over? Here in KC, the local radio sports talk is constantly filled with incessant and frankly boring pissing matches between haters and lovers of the Chiefs' starting QB Matt Cassel, with precious little discussion of backup Croyle. Maybe Obama can set a new agenda and change all of that?

And I am being halfway serious. Croyle is 0-10 as an NFL starter and in his last start led the Chiefs to an embarrassing shutout performance at the hands of the Chargers -- both being (0-10 and an NFL shutout) very difficult achievements for a starting NFL QB to pull of. In my opinion, Croyle is simply not a competent NFL backup -- and at a position where having a competent backup is crucial. While having a gun for an arm, he apparently has little in the way of touch, accuracy or the ability to survive more than about one game without being sidelined by injury.

Why the local fans and radio talking heads pay such scant attention to this obvious issue (and instead focus on Cassel 24-7), I have no clue. So Save Us, Obama! Send us down the right path, Oh Great One!!! Seriously: For once, we could actually use your help.

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/sports/20101228_Obama_commends_Eagles_for_giving_Vick_second_chance.html

Palin Chainsaw Massacre: Just What I've Always Wanted to Do to Get Close to Nature -- Hack Down a Giant Tree with a Chainsaw!

That was Sarah Palin on this weekend's episode of her reality series, Sarah Palin's Alaska, as she tried to do her best logger impersonation by using a giant chainsaw to chop down a tree. Leatherface would be proud. For good measure, she also tried to operate some of the heavy machinery, using a hauler to move the giant trees around once they'd been cut.

Palin also used the occasion to get a blast in on environmentalists, whom she says are always sending her "nasty letters." She says that they're hypocrites because their letters use tree products -- pencil and paper. Really? Who the hell ever uses a pencil apart from a grade schooler or a sketch artist?

Regardless, there is apparently only one episode left of her reality show. Maybe she will try to extrapolate some of her newly found chainsaw skills into other areas. Working a guest shift in a slaughterhouse or butcher shop comes to mind. Or how about a shift cutting hair at the local beauty parlor?

Heck, she could even try to take things big time by answering a casting call when Hollywood invariably remakes the film Scarface. Although, when it comes to the prospect of seeing Sarah Palin in a shower scene, that's not quite what many of us previously had in mind.

http://www.mediaite.com/tv/chainsaw-wielding-sarah-palin-complains-about-conservationists-with-their-pretty-little-pencils/
http://www.politico.com/click/stories/1012/palin_knocks_conservationists.html

Having Reportedly Given Up His Cancer Sticks For the Last Nine Months, Obama’s Now Taken Up Chewing?

Yes, I’m teasing rather inappropriately with that headline, as the “chewing” we’re talking about is Nicorette gum. But you know, if it did come to light that Obama takes a dip of chewing tobacco every now and then (“just a little pinch between the ol’ cheek and gum”), it might actually help him connect a tiny bit better with those of us here in middle America. That’s very “Average Joe” stuff, after all. And I wouldn’t even hold it against him, although I’d urge him to quit.

As for White House press secretary Robert Gibbs’ claim that Obama has quit smoking for nine months (which Gibbs says is the longest period during which Obama has gone without smoking in the eight years that Gibbs has known Obama): If that’s true (and I have no reason to question it), then I give Obama a lot of credit, even despite the fact that I am a very frequent critic of the president.

After all, quitting smoking (or any type of tobacco use) ain’t easy. It’s damn hard. But quitting is always the best thing for the smoker, his/her family, and anyone who cares about him/her. And Kids: In addition to never smoking cigarettes, never chew tobacco either.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2010/12/25/obama%e2%80%99s-smoking-announcement/#more-140957

Slimeball Christmas, Part 2: Have a Holly Nazi Christmas -- Newly Released Rare Photos Show Hitler & His Nazi Slugs Partying It Up on Christmas 1941.

Reportedly these photos were buried in a jar in the ground by the Nazi photographer and have only recently come to light. The linked story also explains that Hitler believed religion should have no part in his Nazi regime, and so:

"He replaced the Christian figure of Saint Nicholas with the Norse god Odin and urged Germans to celebrate the season as a holiday of the ‘winter solstice’, rather than Christmas. Out of sight at the top of the tree behind Hitler was a swastika instead of an angel, and many of the baubles carried runic symbols and iron cross motifs."

And given Hitler's desire to change the entire nature of Christmas, I can only imagine how the Christmas carols were altered in the Nazi reich -- what with such sleazewad propagandists as Josef Goebbels running around. I'm trying to picture the local Berlin soft-rock FM station and its wall-to-wall Christmas song December playlist. Its Top 10 in heavy rotation might have went something like this:

10. "I Saw Eva Kissing Der Fuhrer"
9. "Up on the Bunkertop"
8. "Yankee Got Run Over By a Panzer"
7. "The 12 Days of Blitzkrieg"
6. "Walking in a Winter Russian Hell"
5. "I'm Dreaming of a White Supremacy"
4. "The Little Hitler-Youth Boy"
3. "Adolph the Red-Hating Dictator"
2. "Martial Laws Is Coming to Town"
1. "Happy Xmas (War Is Just Gettin' Started)"

Honorable Mentions: "Go Tell It to the Gestapo"; "Jingle Bell Brownshirt".

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1341272/Hitlers-Christmas-party-Rare-photographs-capture-leading-Nazis-celebrating-1941.html

Slimeball Christmas: Obama/GOP Tax Bill Loaded With Earmarks & Sweetheart Tax Gifts For Such Things as Hollywood, Railroad Tracks, Race Horses & Rum.

For many Americans, it seemed like a simple enough and easy-to-support tax compromise between Obama, the democrat party and republicans: The current income tax rates would be extended for all Americans for two additional years rather than having those rates go up during the ongoing recession. Apart from the far left loons, who could possibly be against that, right?

Problem is, the "tax bill" (signed this week by Obama) was also chock full of earmarks and specialized tax breaks of all sorts -- all completely unrelated to the issue of the income tax rate. And democrats and republicans alike jumped onboard faster than you can say Porky Pig. Business as usual in DC. (There was just an election a few months back, no?)

And that's the reason why I was opposed to the bill before it was passed. But even I didn't realize the full magnitude of some of the utter crap that these two parties jammed into the bill. A lot of that is just starting to come to light now. As the linked story details, the "tax bill" contains all kinds of horse$hit having nothing whatsoever to do with income tax rates. Here's some examples:

-Tax breaks for producing movies and TV shows in Hollywood.
-Rum subsidies for Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.
-Grants to put up windmills.
-Grants for producing solar energy.
-Tax breaks for people to buy race horses.
-Tax breaks related to railroad track maintenance.
-Other breaks for motorsport racetrack upgrades.

And if you're like me and most Americans -- i.e. not really involved in a great deal of movie production, race horse ownership or windmill construction -- then Obama and these two parties have a special gift in this new bill that may just apply to you: For homeowners, an end to the tax break for paying local property taxes unless you pay a tax preparer to itemize your deductions on your tax return. The linked story says that two-thirds of tax filers don't itemize.

Put another way: The new bill sticks it to millions of average Americans who don't itemize by taking away one of their most basic tax breaks while at the same time including within the bill all sorts of sweetheart tax breaks for huge companies, Hollywood movie studios and players within the race horse industry.

Gee, thanks Obama, democrats and republicans (and Captain Morgan thanks you as well)! Just in time for Christmas too! With such wonderful politicians as all of you looking out for us this Christmas season, who needs the Grinch?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_tax_cuts_goodies

Making Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and "Original Gangsta" New Jack Proud: Romanian Fool Leaps From Parliament Balcony to Protest Public Worker Wage Cuts!

His name is Adrian Sobaru -- nickname Sabu. He doesn't much care for the fact that the Romanian government, "mired in recession," recently cut wages for public employees. And damn it, he was going to do something about it! What, you might ask? Well, jump off a 23-foot-high Parliament balcony, of course! What else was he to do?

The linked story explains that Sabu first "clambered up on to the balcony" as the Romanian Prime Minister was getting ready to kick off a parliamentary session. Sabu wore a white T-shirt that proclaimed, among other things, "You've Pierced Us!" After a little window dressing consisting of some wild gestures and shouting, Sabu got down (literally) to the main event: Sabu took a flying leap off the balcony, apparently barely missing some of the lawmakers below as he crashed into the hard floor.

While this goof could have used to have had some sense knocked into him as a result of his little header, he reportedly suffered only minor injuries. What's more, his mouth was left completely intact. As they hauled his ass out on a stretcher, Sabu shouted "Freedom!" at the horrified onlookers. No word yet whether he'll now face criminal charges, although he will be forced, for some reason, to undergo "psychological counseling."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1341112/Horror-Romanian-man-leaps-Parliament-balcony-protest-austerity-measures.html#

Creature of the House Nancy Pelosi Turns to Hollywood to Help "Rebrand" the Image of Herself & the Democrat Party.

Sorry, San Fran Nan, but that's sort of like trying to "rebrand" a floater in a Mississippi $hithouse. And I love how Steven Spielberg comes out with an immediate statement denying the Washington Post report. Good company you're keeping there, Stevie: Helping out the out-of-touch likes of Creature Pelosi and then denying a WaPo report with your best impression of Tricky Dick Nixon. Maybe next you can have Liddy hold his hand over a flame for a few minutes to scare us?

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/thefix/democratic-party/steven-spielberg-advising-nanc.html

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2010/12/23/2010-12-23_steven_spielberg_not_advising_house_speaker_nancy_pelosi_democrats_on_rebranding.html

Obama Signs "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Repeal for Gays in the Military. After Much Reflection, Here's My Thought...

...Yawn.

Obama the great gay rights advocate who's on record opposing gay marriage. So let me get this straight: They're equal enough to kill, but not to marry? (Apologies to Barry McGuire). Hypocrite.

And on the subject of the troops, we now near the end of a year 2010 that has seen almost 500 American troops killed in that absolute hellhole they call Afghanistan -- easily the most deadly year yet among many deadly years in the now 10-year-long war. Maybe the media can next declare that an "Obama victory" too?

http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/12/22/dadt.repeal/index.html
http://icasualties.org/oef/

The Senate's Poised to Ratify Obama's "START" Treaty with Russia: More Lameduck Arrogance from the Democrat Party As Well As Republicans.

It's called the "START" nuclear arms treaty with Russia -- a deal negotiated by Obama and his minions, who are now about to jam it through the Senate during the lameduck session with most of the American population focusing their entire attention on their Christmas shopping. And more than a fourth of Senate republicans are onboard to help out. Chickenshit stuff.

Never before in American history has the Senate ratified a treaty during a lameduck session of Congress. Why have such an important matter decided by a bunch of people whom the American population has just voted out? Why isn't the most prudent and respectful course of action to wait until January, when this treaty -- which is not a simple one to digest or fully understand in terms of its risks, dangers and potential benefits -- can be fully debated and vetted by the body of lawmakers that America just voted in?

Hell, if at this point you go around spouting opinions that this treaty is either a great evil OR the greatest thing since sliced bread, then I have little respect for you as being much of anything other than a partisan hack. The fact is, we the public have not been privy to even a fraction of the information that these senators have received about the treaty and any side assurances (or threats) from the Russians that accompanied the treaty. Instead, that's all been fed to senators in secret hearings with Hillary Clinton and secret conversations with the Obama administration.

This is slimeball stuff, folks -- just what we've grown to always expect from the politicians in these two awful parties. They should be waiting until next year, but they refuse. They refuse to wait to allow the people we voted in to decide whether to ratify, and they refuse to wait until a point in time when the American public will be better informed and more focused on the issue.

That's because these sleazewad politicians on both sides of the aisle have little respect for the American people. And that's why we Independents (who control all election outcomes) will continue to vote these scumjob politicians' asses to the curb over and over again as we reach each successive election cycle. Ratify that.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1210/46669.html

"If You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go":Pennsylvania Woman Allegedly Gets Really Pissed, Then Urinates All Over the Treats in a Convenience Store Freezer!

"If you gotta go, you gotta go" -- the famous last words of Sterling Hayden's corrupt police captain in The Godfather, uttered right before Melancholy Don Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) excused himself to the $hithouse at Louis' restaurant in the Bronx. To quote brother Sonny Corleone, Michael moments later came out of that bathroom "holding more than just his [junk]" and it was Bada Bing Bada Boom!:

Mikey whacked out the good captain (as well as Sollozzo the drug dealer) and officially put a real damper on the veal pasta dinner ("the best in the City") the threesome had been enjoying. In an instance of life (loosely) imitating art, urination was allegedly once again a source of culinary ruin one state over in Pennsylvania this week:

23-year-old Carrie Harkness (pictured above) was in her neighborhood Country Fair convenience store in Meadville, Pennsylvania, when employees asked her to leave. This enraged the young lady, who allegedly then provided employees with a whole new meaning for the phrase "pissed off." Harkness allegedly got her wee-wee on right there in the store inside a food freezer. But that reportedly wasn't the worst part.

As the linked story asks, "What kind of a person allegedly urinates in a convenience store freezer, ruining $508 worth of cookies, bagels, and other baked goods?" So let me get this straight: It wasn't just the act of wetting down the freezer -- nope, she had to go and ruin some perfectly good baked treats in the process!

And if this had merely been a freezer full of some bland ol' milk, cottage cheese and eggs, would this story be getting so much run and would Harkness be facing charges of criminal mischief and disorderly conduct? (No word yet whether Harkness will be advancing an "if you gotta go, you gotta go" defense to those charges).

Regardless, this story begs the question of why Harkness was asked to leave the store in the first place? There are precious few details on that question (never use the phrase "details are sketchy," BTW, because it's not a detail if it's "sketchy"). The only clues come from a largely nonsensical Facebook posting from Harkness, who said:

"Omg have you ever liked someone so much and go out with them and make a fool of yourself????? wish I could take back friday night!!!!! But youngstown is on point wish my friend could forgive me!!!!!!"

The only thing I can make out of that posting is that perhaps some dude worked at the convenience store and a smitten Harkness was there to see him. However, that's purely conjecture on my part (?????). But whatever Harkness was trying to say in that post, I have little doubt that she was very serious about it!!!!!! And Youngstown is right on point, damn it!!!!!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/pennsylvania/woman-chaurged-urinating-grocery-store-freezer-ruining-508-food

You Can Say "Holiday Party" If You Please, But I'll Keep Saying "Christmas Party," Thank You...

...This weekend National Public Radio leftist-in-residence Nina Totenberg (whose main claim to fame was for her portrayal of Jerry's mother on the old Seinfeld TV series) actually apologized in advance for using the phrase "Christmas party" on a PBS program ("Forgive the expression," crowed the old battle axe) (link to story at bottom).

You know, I'm kind of funny like this: The more you try to impose upon me your view of what constitutes politically incorrect language, the more I'm going to intentionally go out of my way to use that very language -- over and over and over again. Put another way, Mrs. Seinfeld: Christmas party; Christmas party; Christmas party.

And if you have a problem with that, then you and Mrs. Seinfeld, along with a gaggle of midgets, stewardesses and manhole covers, can go down to the funeral parlor shithouse and tell it to the undertaker or something. Meantime I'll be heading to the Christmas parties (with no apologies necessary) and having fun, as usual. Stick that in your left-wing peace pipe and smoke it.

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/12/20/nprs_nina_totenberg_apologizes_for_saying_christmas.html

You Want "S'More" of Me, First Lady? Sarah Palin Takes Another Potshot at Michelle Obama.

Sarah Palin doesn't much care for Michelle Obama's "fight against childhood obesity." First Palin thumbed her nose in the First Lady's face by bringing cookies to a Pennsylvania high school, and now she's even using her reality show (Sarah Palin's Alaska) to get in on the act. On last night's episode, Palin was trying to whip up some "s'mores" for her family when she got off the following blast: "Where are the s'mores ingredients? This is in honor of Michelle Obama, who said the other day we should not have dessert."

Palin sure has a way of rubbing other females the wrong way and being so rubbed herself. Just recently, it's been Kate Gosselin and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and now it's apparently the First Lady. My previous suggestion in each instance was that Palin have a Cat Fight with the other lady, but in the case of Sarah/Michelle, I'm instead going to suggest a Food Fight, perhaps held inside an UFC-style Octagon cage. There comes a time when two ladies just need to settle their differences once and for all.

But that aside, I really have little problem with the substance of Michelle Obama's informational message. It's not necessarily any good for you to have dessert with every single lunch or dinner, and it's doubtless the case that American kids could generally eat healthier. Plus, First Ladies always have to have their little causes that they like to go out and talk about. I get that. Fine.

Where I have issue is with Obama's efforts to increase federal government regulation in this area, such as by having the government fully regulate local school lunches. Unnecessary, overbearing, and far leftist -- the sort of things that don't play too well with most of us here in middle America, sorry. Talk and preach all you want about our diets. But keep your federal government mitts out of our local schools and stop trying to coerce what kids eat through excessive federal regulation and the allowance out-of-control lawsuits.

And for the record: I don't much care for "s'mores" myself. Never have. Not a big dessert guy. Not a marshmellow guy. Palin can keep 'em as far as I'm concerned. Or maybe she can offer some to Michelle personally if the promoters are ever able to put together the aforementioned Food Fight-to-End-It-All Cage Match.

http://blogs.abcnews.com/thenote/2010/12/when-does-pailins-reality-become-palins-politics-sarah-palin-zings-michelle-obama-over-dessert.html