Monday, March 11, 2013

Cardinals Set to Begin Papal Conclave This Week "Amid Scandal": Why Not Make Things Easy & Just Elect Jeremy Irons the Next Pope?







He already has multiple years experience sitting on the papal throne as Pope Alexander VI (formerly known as Spanish Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia), and I think he'd be a great choice.  Besides, Irons' prior accomplishments as Pontiff-in-chief have been myriad, meritorious and marveling, including (as historically and very accurately portrayed on the Showtime series, "The Borgias"):
  • Irons was instrumental early on in his Papacy in expanding the College of Cardinals, which increased opportunities for priests everywhere.  (OK, he also stacked the expanded College with Cardinals friendly to him  -- a rather shrewd move, truth be told, that would be akin to Obama unilaterally adding two new Justice positions to the U.S. Supreme Court in order to obtain a leftist majority).

  • Irons betrothed his hot daughter Lucrezia to an old ugly brute of a man named Giovanni Sforza and forbade his old lady (Lucrezia's mother) from attending the wedding of her daughter. Meantime, through the Sforza alliance, Irons stuck even more valuable political influence in his back pocket. Smooth.

  • Irons took on several young hottie broads as mistresses (including, on occasion, more than one on the same evening and at the same time) since all work and no play always makes Popey a dull boy, after all.

  • Irons fended off the sacking of Rome by the short, smelly and grotesque French King Charles by bribing His Majesty with the crown of plague-torn Naples. (The cunning negotiator Irons could sell the Brooklyn Bridge to Donald Trump if he had a mind).

  • Next, when the angry and plague-ridden Charles returned from Naples to sack Rome for good this time, Irons cleverly used a bunch of phoney, life-like looking cannons to fool and scare away the diminuitive, stinky Frenchman once and for all.  And to show his appreciation, Irons gave a little tour of the Papal Bedroom to the young female who designed the fakes. Such gratitude.

  • As pictured above, Irons became perhaps the first great Nicotine Fiend of Rome, as in Season 2 he took to smoking big cigars (received from the New World sans a Cadillac car) right there in the damn Vatican while holding court and granting audiences!

  • Finally, after a rogue priest incited young punks in Florence to engage in the Bonfire of the Vanities, Irons promptly had said priest burned to death at the stake in front of a frothing crowd in Rome. That'll teach 'em to mess around with our little luxuries and electronic devices!
So why drag this out, Cardinals? Keep it short. Keep it sweet. And please do the right thing by restoring Jeremy Irons to his Papal pulpit. He looks good in a white beanie, and he's never so much as even whiffed the Hitler Youth.

http://wtop.com/220/3244222/Vatican-conclave-likely-to-start-early-next-week
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20130304/DA4Q9A201.html