These crazy antics make you want to think twice about availing oneself of the benefits of public facilities, whether those come in the form of a nice public beach or the convenience of a public port-a-potty. Oh well, at least no one's been caught having sex in a graveyard this week (yet)...Not in Front of the Children, Ward!
At least they could have had the decency to first build a big sand castle and do it in there. But apparently they had one too many Sex on the Beach. Cops in Treasure Island, Florida, have thrown the book at two young lovers who allegedly got it on in a big way in front of 50 onlookers at one of the local public beaches (pictured above).
Put another way, "it wasn't quite the sunset view the customers at Caddy's restaurant had in mind." Cops say 21-year-old Erica Huerta and 22-year-old mohawk-headed Steven Douglas (mugshots above) gave restaurant customers and beach-goers alike a lot more than they bargained for on Monday evening.
And the couple allegedly didn't just do the dirty deed real quick-like and then move on. No Siree Bob. They allegedly did it over and over again for over 30 damn minutes! The 50 onlookers included a number of children, some of whom reportedly "played in the sand nearby" while the couple went at it. Meantime restaurant patrons got a look at all of this just 100 feet away.
It's almost as if this couple was trying to act out a porn movie, but with no cameras (allegedly). In short, they were pulling out every trick in the sex book (allegedly). First there was some masturbation (allegedly). Then some "digital penetration" (allegedly). Then some oral sex (apparently going both ways) (allegedly).
But these horny exhibitionists were only getting warmed up at that point (allegedly)! All of that preliminary foolishness out of the way, the couple moved on the main event -- full-on sex over and over in the "missionary position" (allegedly). Cops also say the two had been drinking, although I personally find that very hard to believe.
Now the only sand these sexy showstoppers may be abusing for the time being will be that found in the yard at the local hoosegow. They're charged with felony "lewd and lascivious exhibition." Take it inside next time, kids.
I've Heard of Johnny On the Spot, But Never Sleazy Down in the Shit Tank
If there's one place on earth that I'd actually expect to enjoy a little privacy, it would be one of those portable public shithouses. I mean, apart from flies, who the hell's going to be hanging around in or near one of those things? They stink to high heaven and you only go near one if you really gots to go.
Well, you can toss all those little assumptions right down the crapper. Cops in Boulder, Colorado say a woman attending a "yoga festival" got the surprise of a lifetime when she tried to use a portable toilet at the event. Before she could even have a seat, the woman reportedly heard something rummaging around down in the waste tank beneath the toilet hole.
Maybe just the earth settling? Maybe a rat? Maybe a wasp nest? Nope. Any of those things would have just made too much sense. There was a man hiding down in that cesspool!
After getting the hell out of there, the woman heard the door lock from inside the portable privy -- indicating that ShitterMan had risen from the muck and mire! Security reportedly gathered outside the structure, waiting several minutes for ShitterMan to emerge.
And when ShitterMan did finally show his stinky hide, he reportedly made a mad dash for the exits and got away -- all the while "covered in feces." ShitterMan was apparently known to one festival attendee as "Sky" and is thought to be a hobo (no way!).
This stinkpot remains on the loose. So the next time you go to take a crap, better check twice under that lid. And whatever you do, stay out of that powder room if it happens to be portable.
Posts
Postscript: It was nice in this post to get completely away from all political topics. I didn't even stick an obligatory "Obama's America" into this one.
ReplyDeleteAs noted in the quick post I did immediately below this one, I am SO TIRED presently of the political world and the bullshit I hear every single day from both extremes and so-called "parties." It wears on a true Independent, it really does.
I need a break sometimes, lest I want to go around punching my TV screen as I was doing last night. But don't worry, even with a day off, I'll always be back the next day or so lobbing bombs at both sides just like I always do! Someone has to.
Take it easy on your fists, Rager! We need you to be able to type and post....life's no fun with out the Rager's daily post!
ReplyDeleteEven if the Mexican drug cartels cut off my hands, I could still dictate my posts and have some flunkie type them up. Obama may need some new employment like that here in about 17 months (although I'm not holding my breath on that one).
ReplyDeleteI'll type them up for you.....for free, even! I'd rather you keep your hands though =)
ReplyDeleteThen best keep me away from the leftist 20 percenters. They are known for biting off people's body parts at political rallies. (Truth be told, having no political party, there is nary a political rally that I would ever attend).
ReplyDeleteOh yeah....I can think of 100 things I'd rather do than attend a political rally. Actually, make that 200.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, sometimes it's a bit of a temptation to show up at a rally that has both sides there, and I'd bring a big sign with words calculated to piss both sides off. That would be fun. I may try that sometime.
ReplyDeleteWhat would you say to piss both sides off simultaneously?? I know you've got something good!
ReplyDeleteIt would depend on the week and the current headlines in the news. I find it quite easy to criticize both sides in a single sentence. I've been accused by some of them of being nothing but a big complainer. Well, when one perceives two completely rotten parties, then guess what: You're going to be doing a lot of complaining.
ReplyDeleteThe world needs more "complainers," that's for sure!
ReplyDeleteThe world needs more people who question everything that politicians do regardless of party. That how I was taught in journalism school. I was taught that's the media's job. Unfortunately, today's media can't be trusted to do that in any way, shape or form. They're frequently little more than advocates for one side or the other. That's not journalism.
ReplyDelete