These crazy antics make you want to think twice about availing oneself of the benefits of public facilities, whether those come in the form of a nice public beach or the convenience of a public port-a-potty. Oh well, at least no one's been caught having sex in a graveyard this week (yet)...
Not in Front of the Children, Ward!
At least they could have had the decency to first build a big sand castle and do it in there. But apparently they had one too many Sex on the Beach. Cops in Treasure Island, Florida, have thrown the book at two young lovers who allegedly got it on in a big way in front of 50 onlookers at one of the local public beaches (pictured above).
Put another way, "it wasn't quite the sunset view the customers at Caddy's restaurant had in mind." Cops say 21-year-old Erica Huerta and 22-year-old mohawk-headed Steven Douglas (mugshots above) gave restaurant customers and beach-goers alike a lot more than they bargained for on Monday evening.
And the couple allegedly didn't just do the dirty deed real quick-like and then move on. No Siree Bob. They allegedly did it over and over again for over 30 damn minutes! The 50 onlookers included a number of children, some of whom reportedly "played in the sand nearby" while the couple went at it. Meantime restaurant patrons got a look at all of this just 100 feet away.
It's almost as if this couple was trying to act out a porn movie, but with no cameras (allegedly). In short, they were pulling out every trick in the sex book (allegedly). First there was some masturbation (allegedly). Then some "digital penetration" (allegedly). Then some oral sex (apparently going both ways) (allegedly).
But these horny exhibitionists were only getting warmed up at that point (allegedly)! All of that preliminary foolishness out of the way, the couple moved on the main event -- full-on sex over and over in the "missionary position" (allegedly). Cops also say the two had been drinking, although I personally find that very hard to believe.
Now the only sand these sexy showstoppers may be abusing for the time being will be that found in the yard at the local hoosegow. They're charged with felony "lewd and lascivious exhibition." Take it inside next time, kids.
I've Heard of Johnny On the Spot, But Never Sleazy Down in the Shit Tank
If there's one place on earth that I'd actually expect to enjoy a little privacy, it would be one of those portable public shithouses. I mean, apart from flies, who the hell's going to be hanging around in or near one of those things? They stink to high heaven and you only go near one if you really gots to go.
Well, you can toss all those little assumptions right down the crapper. Cops in Boulder, Colorado say a woman attending a "yoga festival" got the surprise of a lifetime when she tried to use a portable toilet at the event. Before she could even have a seat, the woman reportedly heard something rummaging around down in the waste tank beneath the toilet hole.
Maybe just the earth settling? Maybe a rat? Maybe a wasp nest? Nope. Any of those things would have just made too much sense. There was a man hiding down in that cesspool!
After getting the hell out of there, the woman heard the door lock from inside the portable privy -- indicating that ShitterMan had risen from the muck and mire! Security reportedly gathered outside the structure, waiting several minutes for ShitterMan to emerge.
And when ShitterMan did finally show his stinky hide, he reportedly made a mad dash for the exits and got away -- all the while "covered in feces." ShitterMan was apparently known to one festival attendee as "Sky" and is thought to be a hobo (no way!).
This stinkpot remains on the loose. So the next time you go to take a crap, better check twice under that lid. And whatever you do, stay out of that powder room if it happens to be portable.