Episode Synopsis: Cat suffers a heartbreaking tragedy in her personal life. Meantime Tareq Salahi barely escapes a nice little trip to the ol' hoosegow!
Segment 1: At Mary’s house, Cat shows up for a visit. They start in saucin' on the white wine (in the middle of the day) and start talking about their daughters. They talk about the struggles of child-rearing, and Cat complains about her White House photographer husband (Charles) being away from home so much. “Sometimes I feel like a single mother all over again,” says Cat. Mary says she struggles with “mother’s guilt” constantly (apparently meaning the feeling that she’s not doing enough for her kids). Mary also talks about her struggles keeping daughter Lolly out of Mary’s closet, forcing Mary to put a biometric lock on the door (which only Mary’s fingerprint can open). Mary also discloses she’s been in therapy for seven years (no word on whether the therapy followed the closet lock or vice versa). Mary also reveals that she has a sister who is the exact same age as Mary’s daughter Lolly (23 years old).
At Stacie’s house, she receives a phone call from Michaele Salahi. Michaele says that she and husband Tareq want to buy a new home inside of DC, and so Michaele wants to talk to Stacie (who works in real estate) about houses. They resolve to meet at the Four Seasons, where Michaele says she’s staying in the Royal Suite.
Next we jump to Lynda’s apartment, where’s she with Dawn The Dog Trainer and William (a dog owner). Lynda is worried about her move to her new house, because the home won’t be as secure as her apartment is. She wants to look into getting a watchdog in the form of a German Shepherd puppie that Dawn could train. Dawn is said to have trained the Obamas dog, Bo.
At the Four Seasons, Stacie enters the very large Royal Suite (which is like a small house) to meet with the Salahis to talk about their desire to get a house within DC. Stacie comments off camera that she doesn’t know where the money is coming from for the Salahis (since Stacie has observed that their winery/vineyard is not really “operational” -- which is a new bit of info this episode!). Tareq says that since he and Michaele do a lot of entertaining, they need a joint that can accommodate parties of up to 200-250 people. Tareq claims they are willing to go up to $8 million for a property, and that he wants to fund the home through his Oasis winery business. Off camera, Stacie comments that she can’t believe what she’s hearing, since she believes the winery is basically “defunct” in terms of doing any present business. Stacie tells them she will need to get paperwork from their banker verifying assets before properties can be looked at. The Salahis agree.
Segment 2: We’re at Cat’s house, where Cat has received the very sad news that a good friend of hers named Phil has committed suicide. Cat breaks down when interviewed later about the entire situation and the fact that husband Charles isn’t around right now to support her. She talks to Mary on the phone, who tries to prop her up.
In perhaps the funniest scenes from this week's episode, Lynda is visiting her new house, which she comments is near Mary’s house. With Lynda are Mary and Deborah, Lynda’s designer. Already at the house is KC, Lynda’s assistant and the girlfriend to Lynda’s son. Lynda says she wants to consult with an astrologer concerning her move to his new house. Next she lights some sage on fire in the house, purportedly to clear the “past energy” of prior inhabitants of the home. Deborah comments that the burning sage smells like pot. “Project beautiful energy,” Lynda implores the others as they all go around waving their burning sage in the air. She directs Mary to go over and “bless” some French doors. Next Lynda tells some windows that she loves them (and therefore she gives them a good blessing). Off camera Lynda says she was raised Southern Baptist, but that she converted to Judaism at the age of 20. So the group heads outdoors in order to read a Jewish house blessing to the house (which was apparently so moved, it said not a word in response). Then, just for good measure, Lynda starts sprinkling holy water all over the place.
In DC, the Salahis arrive in a super-stretch limo to pick up Stacie at a shop. They are going to gander at some houses by driving by them as a first step towards possibly visiting them. The first house is in the Spring Valley area, where Stacie says a lot of politicians live (which I’d think would be huge negative for the property values). Stacie tells them again that she needs to pre-qualify the Salahis with their banker before she’ll be able to make appointments to actually visit the inside of any of these homes. Stacie comments off camera that the Salahis still haven’t provided that information.
THEN BOMBSHELL! Stacie comes right out and asks them, “what is going on with the vineyard” (since Stacie has observed that it’s not doing any business). But the Salahis don’t seem to really provide a straight answer, instead going on about how Tareq’s mom sued him over ownership of the vineyard. Off camera, Stacie worries that the Salahis don’t have the money or finances to purchase an expensive property (ya think, Stacie!). The threesome arrives back at the Four Seasons to drop off the Salahis.
Segment 3: We’re back at Mary’s house, where husband Rich is talking to Mary with his typical voice inflection reminiscent of Gary Cole’s Bill Lumbergh boss character from the motion picture Office Space. Again Mary starts going on and on about her closet. She makes the rather peculiar comment that it’s a place where she likes to “hang out.” Mary tells Rich that in the past few days, Mary forgot to close said closet, which gave daughter Lolly the opportunity to swoop in and borrow some clothes without asking. Rich reminds Mary, “prevention is 99% of the cure in this situation” (much like possession is 9/10’s the law, with Lolly currently possessing a bunch of Mary’s garments). Rich comments that maybe he needs to get an Internet site visit counter on his forehead for every time he’s going to have this same conversation about Mary forgetting to close and secure the closet door. Mary remarks off camera that she’s really doesn’t care for Rich’s sarcasm. It’s clear that Rich is sick and tired of Mary complaining after she forgets to close her closet.
Jump now to Stacie’s house, where’s she making spaghetti for dinner for husband Jason, who has just arrived home from work. Jason indicates that spaghetti is one of his favorites (same as me), which just further cements my connection to Jason on this show (truth be told, he and Rich both seem like very nice, fairly down-to-earth guys). Jason brings up the subject of Stacie’s birthmother, noting they first found out about and got in contact with her 2.5 years ago, but that they haven’t learned a whole lot of new information since. (If you don’t recall the backstory here, Stacie was given up for adoption as an infant by her Caucasian mother, who has told Stacie that her father is Nigerian; however, mama has so far refused to give Stacie information on daddy’s name and how to contact him).
Stacie and Jason discuss how mama appears to be a dead end in terms of finding daddy. Stacie comments off camera that this situation pisses off Jason because he knows how important it is to Stacie to learn the identity of, and to get in contact with, her birthfather. It’s revealed that Jason has found mama’s son (Stacie’s Caucasian half-brother) on Facebook, and Jason raises the possibility of contacting the son. Stacie is reluctant, because she knows mama thinks it will be an issue for mama’s family if they find out mama has a long lost child AND with a black man. [BTW, I get the whole long lost child shock thing, but the angle of it being an even bigger shock to the family because a black man was the dad seems completely abhorrent to me in this whole day and age. We really do all need to get past that sort of mindless silliness.]. But despite her reservations, Stacie then agrees to allow Jason to contact the half-brother on Facebook.
At Lynda’s apartment, KC is helping to dress Lynda for the charity Men Against Breast Cancer gala event, which Lynda’s sons will be attending with her. Lynda’s half-her-age (and twice-her-size) boyfriend Ebong is also going and shows up at the apartment. At the event, Mary and Rich are also there and sit down for dinner at the same roundtable with Lynda, Ebong and Cat (who has also shown up). Lynda has helped out the charity’s president, Marc Heyison, by organizing a men’s fashion show for the event. And so the male models start traipsing out, hearing the catcalls (no pun intended) of Cat and Mary. Celebrity hair stylist Paul Wharton, who has been featured on prior episodes, is one of the models. Off camera, Lynda notes that while Cat was having a good time, she seemed to also have her mind on her deceased friend.
Mary’s daughter Lolly is also at the event, and Lolly is sporting the clothes she lifted from Mary’s open closet! Mary gets a whiff of this: “OH MY GOD! My Clothes!” Mary then starts doing all of these very odd facial contortions (sort of like a wild jungle feline) as she looks in horror upon Lolly wearing one of Mary’s dresses. Cat notices this and starts making fun of Mary (outside of Mary’s hearing) to Lynda: “Mary should get a refund from her therapist and change her locks again,” whispers Cat to Lynda.
Then this zany-looking newcomer to the show – Christopher, Lynda’s ex-boyfriend – arrives. This dude looks like an oddball three-way cross between an NBA lottery hopeful, that millionaire dude from Gilligan’s Island, and one of the hipsters from that old fake pop music group from before I was born, The Monkees. But Cat tells Christopher that his look and eccentric dress remind her very much of her friend (the one who just committed suicide). Cat remarks off-camera that it was as if the spirit of her friend Phil had visited their table. Cat then loses her emotions at the table in front of everyone (i.e., she starts balling).
Segment 4: We’re at Lynda’s Georgetown apartment, where she’s sitting down to dinner with her kids. Daughter Jessica (age 24) talks about a petition being circulated to all the colleges and universities in the United States to change the drinking age to 18 so that college students aren’t “so clandestine” about their alcohol use, which she says results in more-abusive drinking behavior (which is likely true). Lynda is supportive: “It makes sense – if you can fight for your country, then you should be able to have a cocktail.” [To slightly change the old ‘60s mantra: You’re Old Enough to Kill, But Not For Drinkin’! And actually, I’m inclined to agree.]
Segment 5: At Cat’s house, she is telling daughter Jade about the experience of meeting Christopher the prior evening. Cat says she’s decided not to attend Phil’s funeral because she’s not ready to say goodbye to him yet. Jade is supportive, telling Cat to go with her “gut instinct.”
Next we move to Mary’s house, where Rich and Mary welcome an arriving Stacie and Jason. The four sit down for dinner and start talking about Tareq Sahahi’s recent allegations that Lolly was involved in the theft of his car and his beloved “polo gear.” Mary expresses her thanks to Jason for defending her as Tareq dropped the allegations (since Rich wasn’t in attendance at the Salahis’ event). Mary says she has a lot of friends who knew Tareq growing up. She indicates that Tareq’s always been a “punk.” She says that Tareq’s problematic behavior once got him shipped off by his parents to military school. Mary also talks about the Salahis' alleged track record in DC of “wronging people and not paying their bills.” However, Mary says that she believes that Michaele “means well.” [BTW, these descriptions comport with my general impressions from this series: I think Tareq is a head-case and a deadbeat, while Michaele is rather harmless.] Mary and Stacie do seem to disagree, however, on whether Michaele is happy being married to Tareq, with Mary thinking not and Stacie appearing to think so.
Out at the Salahis’ Oasis winery/vineyard, Tareq basically confirms what Stacie said earlier – the winery is not currently doing any business (no wonder the Salahis were serving beer instead of wine at the winery on that earlier episode!). He says that the winery has clearly gone through some hard times and financial issues, but he brags that it’s going to make a comeback and reopen soon. [BTW, I officially now have NO desire to see Michaele’s upcoming Playboy nude spread – gal has no breasts whatsoever. Looks like a dead beanpole trying to grow on the wrong side of an Alabama $hithouse.]
THEN NEXT BOMBSHELL! As the Salahis engage in a conversation at the winery about the joint’s imminent comeback to its prior glory, the sounds of cop car sirens start swirling around outside! Several cars and a paddy wagon from the local sheriff’s department have arrived at the Oasis winery!
Segment 6: Turns out that Tareq’s mama is at it again, having called the police to try to get Tareq removed from the Oasis property. [The legal basis for this is unclear, but there certainly must be some facially credible basis if the cops sent out the troops in full force to follow up on mama’s request]. Michaele then becomes emotional as she talks about how mama’s constant grudge match with sonny boy has really taken a toll on her better mental health. In this very weird situation, Tareq talks to the cops out of the microphone’s hearing, and whatever he says satisfies them, as they depart without slappin’ the ole cuffs on him. But as noted above, why were these cops so willing to arrive en masse like that following mama’s phone call? For certain: We’re not being told anywhere close to the full story of what’s going on here, which is rather pathetic on the part of the Bravo Network producers. At any rate, END OF EPISODE.
Preview of upcoming episodes (I believe there are only 2 left this season): Just a lot of drama, something about Michaele faking being a Washington Redskins cheerleader, more problems between Cat and black people, and Tareq visits his lawyer. Be sure to return next week for my next insightful yet largely irrelevant recap of this [INSERT DEROGATORY ADJECTIVE] show!!!