(If you're not familiar with this series, try this primer: http://independentrage.blogspot.com/2010/08/episode-1-recap-of-real-housewives-of.html)Episode Synopsis: Conflicts between the Sassy Brit, Cat, and the American ladies are highly accentuated in tonight's new episode! And nobody likes Michaele, that much is clear! Plus the ladies' men have a Penis Conference!
Segment 1: It’s Michaele’s birthday! “People think I’m in my 30’s, but I’m old. I’m really old – I’m 44,” says Michaele. Funny, I would have thought older, actually! Maybe Stevie Wonder mistakes her for being in her 30’s, but unfortunately for her, I can see!
Her hubbie Tareq Salahi has a few birthday surprises for Michaele. First, she gets to choose from among various purses, shoes and jewelry that Tareq has had brought into their mansion. She is only supposed to pick out just a few items, but ends up choosing a whole couch full of stuff. “You just can’t so no to her,” says Tareq. Second, Tareq takes her out on the grounds and gives her a riding horse. Michaele claims she hasn’t ridden since she was a little girl, but she’s happy with the gift. She names the horse Sparkle.
Then we switch to Lynda’s apartment, where Lynda’s with KC, who’s an assistant to Lynda and also a girlfriend to Lynda’s son. Lynda says off camera that you have to be a “mad person” to be her assistant and says that KC really isn’t that person. They are looking at house listings since Lynda wants to buy a house and get out the apartment (which she says isn’t big enough for her family and all their friends).
In the suburb of McLean, we’re next at Mary’s house. Rosa, Mary’s housekeeper, has a hospital mask on and is cleaning up dog poop from the yard. Next Rosa’s inside vacuuming up a ton of dog hair from the stairway’s tile landing area. I’m no expert on dog breeds, but Mary’s dog looks some kind of part St. Bernard mutt. The dog certainly sheds & $hits a lot. Mary speaks Spanish to Rosa (saying that Rosa doesn’t understand English very well) and tells Rosa that it’s very difficult around this joint when Rosa isn’t around to clean up.
Then Mary starts dictating a laundry list of tasks for Rosa to complete, including shampoo the rugs, work on the dog pee stains (that mutt’s not fully house trained?!), and clean the walls. Mary says that the dog is actually daughter Lolly’s (age 23, who just moved back home) and is a bernese mountain dog (so it appears it’s not a mutt after all). The dog is called Kona (sp) and is female. Lolly says off camera that the dog has added a lot of stress to the household. Adding to things is that the dog does not seem well-trained. In addition to the housetraining issue, it won’t come when called and instead just starts barking.
Next we’re at the house of Cat (the sassy Brit), where she’s in the kitchen talking to daughters Jade (age 11) and Ruby (age 9). Cat tells them about her resolution last week to go horse riding with Michaele, and the girls say they just can’t picture mama on a horse. Cat is clearly irritated that Michaele made Cat do a “pinky swear” to follow through on the excursion. Next Cat gets together with Mary for lunch and starts in complaining about the “pinky swear” vow again. Cat wants Mary to go along on the horse ride, but Mary changes the subject. When Cat won’t let her off the hook so easy, Mary reluctantly says, “count me in.”
Mary’s daughter Lolly is then shown waitressing at this same restaurant. Mary explains to Cat that Lolly had been living on her own for a year with a boyfriend, but that it didn’t work out. Mary confides to Cat that she (Mary) is pretty stressed out about Lolly’s dog. Cat oddly comments, “I’m just looking forward to when my daughters leave home.” Cat says she won’t allow her daughters to live at home at age 23 – a claim that Mary views with pessimism.
Then Lolly comes by their table and Cat starts bustin’ Lolly’s balls about the dog hair issue! Lolly is a good sport, but off camera is none too happy (and Mary has a disgusted look on her face as well). Then Cat starts breakin’ Mary’s balls about allowing Lolly to live at home, about the dog, and about the large tip that Mary’s leaving for Lolly. A Real Charmer, this Cat!! Mary is very clearly pissed, but Cat seems oblivious!
Segment 2: Michaele is talking about her birthday presents with friend Paul Wharton, the celebrity stylist. Paul says he “loves” the horse’s name, Sparkle. Michaele is also helping Paul plan his birthday party, and they mull over the guest list. Likely foreshadowing later events, Michaele says that Paul can count on her to plan a great party with “no drama.”
Stacie says that the guests “are going to see a down home, black family, Sunday style dinner.” (Jason, BTW, in this segment reinforced my initial impression of him from Episode 1: A very nice, easygoing dude.) Stacie then leaves a voice mail for Cat inviting her to the dinner. It seems clear that Stacie most definitely wants to expose Cat to whatever “Our Francis’” means, as she remarks that “they” (again, implying her parents or some other family member) won’t take any of Cat’s sassy British guff.
The Big Horse Ride: Mary is driving (with Cat) through an office park area that Mary calls (or at least it sounds like) “Tyson’s corner,” and Mary comments that her granddaddy had an option to buy all of this land but passed it up because he didn’t want to be so close to DC. Bad decision, it’s made clear. Anyway, Mary and Cat are on their way to take up Michaele on her offer to ride horses. Mary reveals that she first met Michaele when Michaele was a makeup artist at Nordstrom’s. “Oh yes, Michaele has definitely changed her station in life,” Mary rather nastily remarks.
At Michaele’s estate, Michaele and Tareq are oddly sitting on director’s chairs on a mini red carpet in the middle of a field. Mary remarks off camera that she thought this was going to be an informal event, but the Salahis are clearly looking to put on “a show.” Mary seems a bit pissed because Michaele had told them to wear jeans, and yet Michaele’s wearing formal riding pants. (BTW, I had previously had very little attraction to Cat UNTIL I saw her in a tight jeans and tight T at the Salahi estate!)
Tareq (a devoted polo player) says he’s going to give the ladies a little riding & polo lesson. Cat is riding a horse called Uncle Buck, and she’s having difficulty picking up on the whole polo “whack the ball with the zany-looking mallet” thing. But Michaele has similar problems. Mary, who has more of a past riding background than the other two ladies, is obviously more comfortable on her horse and picks up the whole polo thing a lot better. At the end of their riding, Cat says off camera that she was actually surprised how much fun she had.
The riding being over, Tareq breaks out the “wine” for the ladies. But it’s actually beer in wine glasses! Cat and Mary seem visibly offended by the fact that the Salahis own a vineyard, but yet served the ladies beer. Michaele off camera explains, nonsensically, that the horse barn doesn’t “hold much wine,” and that they would have needed to drive up the road in order to get some wine (like I said, non-sensical: The barn holds beer, but can’t "hold" wine?!). (Note: I would have been more appreciative than the ladies, however. Give me a beer any time over a glass of wine. But then again, I’m much more the earth-like sort.)
Segment 3: Planning for Paul's Birthday Bash -- Michaele is heading to The Park at Fourteenth, a restaurant/lounge/club in DC. She’s meeting there with Sherwin (the manager of the joint) and other friends of Paul Wharton (including Charlotte, his publicist) concerning the planning of his birthday party there. It’s revealed that Michaele also planned Paul’s 30th birthday party, which received great compliments, but which also disappointed Paul because the venue would only allow 25 attendees. Michaele is relieved to learn from Sherwin that many more than 25 can be invited this time around.
Dinner at Frances'! Finally we learn whom the hell Francis (actually it’s spelled “Frances”) is!!! Stacie calls her “aunt Frances,” and Stacie explains that Frances was Stacie’s mom’s best friend and Stacie’s Godmother. Stacie further explains that her mom died when Stacie was 13, and that every week Frances would prepare a Sunday dinner for Stacie and Stacie’s dad. Stacie also indicates that Frances is quite the cook/chef. Stacie and others are starting to arrive at Frances’ house for the big Sunday dinner.
At Lynda’s apartment, she’s very excited about eating a “soul food dinner” at Frances’ house (since Lynda is from south Georgia originally, she explains). Lynda is waiting for her boyfriend Ebong (half her age) to pick her up and, in the meantime, is barking orders at poor KC to do this and do that as Lynda tries to get ready.
Back at Frances’ house, the food honestly looks to die for! A huge platter of hot wings and a giant pan of peach cobbler are shown! Stacie’s hubbie Jason can’t wait to dig in. Ironically, Cat the Bush-lover (LOL) is the first of the ladies to show up at Frances’. Paul Wharton next shows up, meeting Aunt Frances for the first time (realize he’s more of a Lynda & Michaele friend). Frances tells Paul that she’s drinking Scotch, while Cat is off looking for something to drink herself. She’s given some wine that she doesn’t like the taste of. Cat complains to Stacie about this, and Stacie is clearly offended. Lynda shows up late, with BF Ebong in tow. Lynda immediately takes to Aunt Frances, commenting that Frances could “definitely be a kindred spirit for me.” Then Mary and hubbie Rich also show up late.
Penis Conference! Stacie’s hubbie Jason takes the other male significant others – Rich and Ebong – downstairs to talk. Jason says that he’s excited that he has a patent on technology that “uses volume to measure the size of different body parts.” It’s called the Penile Volumetric Measuring Device. This is not fully explained at this juncture, but obviously it’s a device that will give a dude a measurement on the precise size of his penis. [Gee, I always thought a wooden ruler would be fairly good for that task, but who am I to question?] Rich hilariously asks, “is this where the white guy leaves the conference?” He further quips, “I’m not going to hang around and be ridiculed by you two – I don’t want to be hung out to dry.” [All three of these dudes are obviously nice, cool guys – which kind of makes me feel sorry for them, at least in terms of Rich and Ebong.]
“I think I’ve got something that could be really, really huge,” remarks Rich next, obviously intending the double meaning. Ebong off camera comments that he’s just “a little uncomfortable to be hanging out with three men talking about penis.” And Rich clearly feels no different. Jason starts back in: “We all know that size really does matter, right?” Rich, again exhibiting his sense of humor, quips: “You see, big guys never say that, but white Irish Catholic guys say that.” [My comment here: I must beg to differ with Rich: I’m a white Irish Catholic guy, but I have NEVER said that! – go figure!].
Then Jason starts talking about how size of feet and hands are predictive of penis size. On that topic, I’ve always read and heard that those are predictors, but what if a dude has huge feet and small hands, like me? You can just keep guessing on that one, because I’ll never tell (at least not publicly)! As the dudes head back upstairs, they joke about broaching the whole penis topic with Paul Wharton (and I ain’t touchin’ that one with a ten foot pole (no pun intended)! – not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Upstairs, It’s Dinner Time at Aunt Frances’. Jason is sitting beside Cat and asks her if she’s ever had collard greens like those served tonight by Frances. Cat equivocates and won’t give a straight answer. Then she’s introduced to the fact that many cooks, like Lynda and Frances, recycle their lard and vegetable oil from one meal into future meals.
Cat appears Very Disgusted at this suggestion and at the fact that she might now be eating food made out of second generation oil! Lynda comments off-camera that Cat seemed to be the only one at this dinner who seemed uncomfortable with the whole event. [Comment: I for one would have loved to have been at this dinner: The food looks great!] While everyone else is just finishing up dinner, Cat is looking to make a beeline to the exit! “It really was not my kind of scene,” remarks Cat off camera.
And I’ll largely give her a pass on this one, because she’s not American. And make no mistake, Britain is a distinct culture from ours. If she was American, I would light into her for leaving early like that. But since she’s not, I’m not going to criticize too harshly. BUT she could learn a lesson from this: As the old cliché goes, When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do. If I was attending a dinner in Britain or Europe at which I did not feel entirely culturally comfortable, I would still stick it out until the end out of respect for the different culture and for the other attendees.
But apparently Cat does not have that ability within her character. And a further observation about Aunt Frances: From the tiny bit we see of her on this episode, I would feel so completely comfortable sitting down for a Sunday dinner at her abode. Probably too comfortable, in fact. I bet I’d eat so much that she wouldn’t be inviting me back anytime soon! [You folks out there who REALLY know me know that of which I speak! ;)] But I digress.
Stacie is very offended that Cat, in addition to breaking out very early, didn’t even say goodbye to Stacie before departing. Says Stacie (and I must agree): “What kind of home training do they teach folks in London!” Apparently about the same level housetraining that Kona The Dog received!
Next Stacie and several of the attendees head downstairs (the site of the prior Penis Conference) to vent about Cat’s awkward early exit. Stacie is fumin’! She says: “Cat is not used to being in an environment where it’s a majority black people.” Stacie further says that she really can’t sympathize with that since African-Americans all the time go to places where they are in the minority. Paul Wharton (African-American himself) speaks up for Cat and says that he’s a friend of hers, but he admits that she seems to lack the ability to connect with African-Americans.
Segment 4: Back to Mary's -- At Mary’s house, poor housekeeper Rosa is out there again wearing a surgeon’s mask cleaning up dog $hit. Rich is talking to Mary (whom, without makeup sitting there, frankly looks very bad – why would she allow herself to be shot in such a state for this reality series? No clue). Mary is telling Rich that she wants Rosa around more often (5 days a week) to clean up messes.
They also talk about how Lolly in her old place didn’t want to use the coin operated washing machine -- to which her Daddy Rich mocks her, “Yeah, Who Does Something Like That!” This shows that Rich (much to his credit) is at least somewhat in touch with the reality of ordinary people. And what does he get in response? Mary says: “If it came down to a choice between Rich [her husband] and Rosa [the housekeeper], it would be Rosa.” Very nice. Who needs enemies when we have spouses, right!? That was pathetic. Especially since Rich seems to be a very nice dude. [Although, I guess Rich never knew Arthur Godfrey or frolicked at the Kennedy compound! Oh, Rich is such a Plebiscite!].
Segment 5: Leading up to Paul's party -- Paul Wharton is worried about his birthday party. Michaele has apparently stood him up at a meeting and he’s concerned as he cannot reach her by phone.
At Lynda’s apartment, it seems that Lynda has ANOTHER assistant, named Robin (who’s all the way hot, with totally gorgeous blue eyes, amongst other features, BTW). Lynda comments for the first time that her “#1” modeling agency is going through tough times with the economy and all (truth be told, what sector of the private business world isn’t hurting these days?) Lynda is heard commenting on one model as being age 14, having a “football player neck” and having “a lot baby fat.” As Jackie Gleason might say – Very Nice Lady, this Lynda (NOT!).
Birthday Bash Time for Paul Wharton at The Park at Fourteenth! Cat shows up with bigtime photog hubbie and fellow Brit Charles (who has a great head of hair, BTW), followed by Mary & Rich, and then Ebong & Lynda. [OMG: Ebong’s like 2 feet taller than Lynda – he was described in Episode 1 as being 6’5, so does that make Lynda 4’5” and a dwarf? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.] Apparently the planner of this party, Michaele, is a no-show at the outset, which if very off-putting for Lynda (big surprise there!).
But then Michaele shows up in a limo (with police escort), all glitzy w/ hubbie Tareq in tow. Recall Episode 1 where Michaele bragged up that one of her favorite things to do is to “make an entrance” (frankly, I respect the hell out of that! – very cool). Lynda off camera takes offense to this entrance and accuses the Salahis of being deadbeats who don’t pay their bills (for the record, is there a worse thing in the world to be accused of? I don’t think so. I’d personally rather even be called a rat fink than a deadbeat, but again I digress). THEN Paul Wharton finally shows up for his own birthday party.
Cat says off camera that she does not like that she offended Stacie at the Frances dinner party. Cat expresses that she hopes that Stacie and her will get to know each other better in the future, because Cat thinks they could have a lot of fun. And you know what: I take Cat at her word on this one. As discussed previously, Cat IS from a completely different culture, and clearly has not been very exposed to the ins and outs of American culture to any great extent ever before. I definitely criticize a lot of her behavior this episode, but I’m NOT going to judge her.
Then Lynda starts grilling Cat’s British hubbie, Charles, about how he could work as a photographer for both the Bush and Obama administrations. His answer: “In simple terms, because I am not political.” Very cool Charles! Then they hilariously start a discussion about whether George W being an idiot (he was) – even though both Charles and Lynda seem to maintain that he wasn’t a complete idiot (Memo to Them: it’s OK to admit it!). It’s funny how Charles really wants to talk more about Bush, but Lynda seems more interested in eating.
Then Tareq starts beating the wine glass with a spoon to get people’s attention so that he and his wife can make speeches! Mary comments off camera that Tareq and Michaele are trying to turn this into THEIR event. Then Tareq points a corked champagne bottle at Lynda’s table, and she’s about to Go Ballistic about this until BF Ebong restrains her! But then the cork flies, and it hits Lynda right in her ass, which REALLY pisses her off!
Finally, the party turns to the subject of Paul’s Birthday. He talks about how he didn’t have many friends back in the day because he was gay. He talks about how he decided that he was going to get strong in his life, and not care what people thought about his gay lifestyle, and just try to make a lot of friends like those gathered tonight. Good for him.
Segment 6: Tempers Are Runnin’ HOT Between Lynda & Michaele at Paul’s Party! The Episode 1 dispute between Lynda and Michaele about Michaele having a eating disorder rears its ugly head once again. Then things break down into Michaele and Lynda bickering like a bad episode of You’re Cut Off!!! Here’s what’s pretty clear to me: Michaele is real piece of work, out of touch with most of us normal Americans, but I have seen absolutely no evidence of an eating disorder. What also appears clear to me is that Lynda really has it out for Michaele, and is therefore pounding this whole eating disorder angle.
Final Thoughts: I'm certainly starting to develop some general impressions of the people on this show. I have nothing critical to say about the men. Mostly nice guys. But the ladies! I really don't like Lynda at all, and Mary's not much better. The jury is still out on Cat, who is certainly having problems adapting to American culture. Michaele is an airhead and completely out of touch, but she strikes me as fairly harmless. Stacie seems decently grounded and really hasn't done much for which I would be overly critical. Be sure to check back next Thursday night/Friday morning for my Episode 3 recap!
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