We've seen it before. Criminals in all sorts of crazy get-ups when they pull their heists. We've seen Santas. Dead presidents. Various wild animals. Men dressed as grannies. And then all of the assorted creatures from the horror pictures (Frankenstein monsters, vampires, wolfmen, zombies, etc.). And for what reason?They're Gonna Put Me in the Movies!
Seems pretty obvious. They figure they can get their crime on and get some major pub in the process. Sort of like the third grader who tells his teacher, "Teach, someday I'm going to be rich and famous!" But that's where the third-grader logic of these stupid criminals breaks down faster than a partisan's "yeah but, you guys did it too" argument.
That's because in addition to a crazy costume being fairly easy to spot after the job, the more notoriety and publicity your crime garners, the more attention and emphasis you can be damn sure the local cops and prosecutors are going to place upon it. And those things tend to be rather bad news for your garden-variety, nickel-and-dime criminal.
Just like the wise mafia hood always tries to stay invisible to the public at large, the non-stupid criminal eschews the fancy wigs and makeup for the tried-but-true simplicity of the ski mask or perhaps a panty hose disguise. Even a caveman could understand that.
"No Laughing Matter"
No, a circus clown suit ain't cuttin' the smart mustard, either. But that didn't stop a 44-year-old Pennsylvania woman from knocking over a bank for 7,000 bucks "clad as a clown" (pictures at the top). This week Carolyn Williams (mug shot above, sans the clown makeup) admitted to pulling the bank job in clown garb and pleaded guilty to felony robbery in Northampton County Court.
So what prompted this married mother of two to don "a clown suit, red nose, [multicolored] wig, leggings and a white scarf" and then hold up a bank? Williams said some kidnappers had nabbed her kids and forced her to pull the job. Right! And I'm sure they insisted on the clown costume too. I can only imagine:
"Look, broad, not only are you gonna go hit that bank for us, but you're going to wear this here clown attire, damn it. And if you don't wear it, and if you pull this piece of work in some other kind of costume, then you're never going to see these two little punks ever again," the kidnappers must have told her.
And never mind that by kidnapping the kids and conspiring on the bank job, these kidnappers were suddenly in on two major crimes, whereas they'd only be on the hook for one if they'd simply hit the bank themselves. I realize a lot of these criminals are stupid, but downright imbecilic?
The Kind of Getaway Only a Circus Clown Could Come Up With
Anyway, so much for gratitude, as those pesky kidnappers didn't even provide Williams with a decent getaway plan, apparently. After the job, cops say she drove a mere mile away to a park, where she proceeded to park her car and light up a damn cigarette! (Apparently she had removed some of the clown suit, but I doubt she had time to remove her makeup by then).
Cops found this madcap nicotine fiend right there in the car suckin' down her cancer stick. That's when Williams tried to throw the cops off their game by first feeding them the kidnapping story and then claiming there was a bomb in the car.
But those antics only delayed the inevitable. After evacuating the park and calling in the bomb squad, the cops discovered there was no bomb. Instead, they found "the clown costume, two loaded handguns, a large amount of money and the phony explosive, which was fashioned from a can of soup and bagged rice."
The Funny Farm or the Prison Farm?
Now having pleaded guilty, this bank-rolling buffoon and her hijinks face 20 years in the state hoosegow, where the only thing colorful about her outfit will be its bright orange consistency. At least there, however, she should get plenty of her favorite grub of choice -- canned soup and rice.
But alas, there appears to be one trick that may just spoil that prison punchline: At Williams' sentencing in a few months, her lawyer reportedly may try to argue that Williams is deranged and should be tossed in the bug house instead of the big house. But I'm not so sure about that one:
Just like (as Winston Wolf says) being a character does not mean that you have character, the same holds here: Just because you committed a stupid crime with a crazy story does not mean that you are, literally, crazy. Besides, I'd think that Williams would prefer the joint, where her access to her beloved smokes should be much more readily available.
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