Friday, January 21, 2011

Forgettaboutit! As the FBI This Week Scores the Biggest Bust of American Mafia Figures in History, I'm Already Thinking Ahead to the Movie!





In case you missed it, the FBI this week arrested 127 alleged organized crime members from all of the infamous "Five Families" of New York City (I thought Michael Corleone already rubbed all of them out in 1972?) as well as from mafia families in New Jersey and New England (links at bottom). Put another way, it was a bad day indeed for The Sopranos and for a lot of other goodfellas. All in all, it was the biggest single operation takedown of wiseguys in American history.

The crimes charged against these 127 "friends of ours" cover 30 years and a range of crimes that likely come as no surprise to anyone: Protection rackets; shakedowns; assorted racketeering; extortion; drug trafficking; labor corruption; maimings; and a healthy dose of gangland and completely senseless murders -- one involving an important dispute over spilled drinks.

One highly entertaining aspect of the busts are all of the colorful character names and nicknames sported by these 127 individuals (read on). And you know that a movie will ultimately be produced highlighting the details of the FBI's investigation and the final days on the loose of these 127 (alleged) members of La Cosa Nostra.

I nominate Martin Scorsese to produce and direct the inevitable film, and I encourage him to take it even bigger than his previous gangster epics such as Goodfellas, Casino and The Departed. Let's go a full four hours, and let's give it the biggest name cast in the history of gangster movies! Here's what I'm talkin' about (based on the names & nicknames of this week's various arrestees):

The Gangsters

-Bartolomeo "Bobby Glasses" Vernace (Gambino family boss) ... Al Pacino

-Andrew "The Mush" Russo (Colombo family boss) ... Marlon Brando (sure he's dead, but just use modern imaging technology, like in Tron Legacy)

-Richard "The Claw" Fusco (Colombo consigliore) ... Robert De Niro

-Joseph "Junior Lollipops" Carna (Colombo capo) ... Joe Pesci

-Dennis "Fat Dennis/The Beard" DeLucia (Colombo capo) ... Johnny Depp

-Vincenzo "Vinny Carwash" Frogiero (Gambino soldier) ... James Gandolfini

-Frank "Meatball" Ballantoni (Gambino associate) ... Steve Buscemi

-Anthino "Hootie" Russo (Colombo capo) ... Joe Pantoliano

-Jack the Whack ... Frank Vincent

-"Johnny Cash" ... Robert Loggia (a fellow Missouri J-School grad, BTW, although 42 years before me)

-Tony Bagels ... James Caan

-Johnny Pizza ... Abe Vigoda

-"Lumpy" ... Ray Liotta

-"The Bull" ... Robert Duvall

-"The Fang" ... Vincent Pastore

-"Baby Shacks" ... Tony Sirico

The Wives

-Mrs. Mush ... Edie Falco

-Mrs. Lollipop ... Talia Shire

-Mrs. Claw ... Diane Keaton

-Mrs. Fang ... Susie Essman (creative casting)

-Mrs. Glasses ... Sharon Stone

-Mrs. Carwash ... Aida Turturro

The Girlfriends

-Gumar to The Whack ... Lorraine Bracco

-Meatball's gumar ... Jamie-Lynn Sigler

-Gumar to Mr. Pizza ... Drea de Matteo

-Baby Shacks' Baby ... Michelle Pfeiffer

The Molls

-Moll to Mr. Bagels ... Angelina Jolie

-The Beard's Girl Friday ... Christina Hendricks

-Hootie's Blowfish ... Kathrine Narducci

The Heat

-Lead FBI Investigator ... Jeff Bridges

-Key Undercover Mob Infiltrator ... Matt Damon
Posted by The Independent Rage