Nutshell Synopsis: The ladies are shuttled off to the sticks on a forced overnight camping trip, with disastrous results, drunken escapades, near fisticuffs, and all-around fireworks aplenty!Segment 1: It's morning at the house. Jackie says things are a lot calmer now that Chrissy was given the boot off the show last week (but how long with THAT last?). Gia is this week's VIP (Very Improved Princess), meaning she's in charge of the other ladies for the week. She's happy about this as well as the fact that her birthday is tomorrow. The ladies get a note from Show Moderator, Laura Baron, telling them to get their household chores done and then to pack up for an overnight trip (not revealing the nature of such excursion).
Gia then doles out the household chore assignments. She personally hates Jackie and Pam, and so she assigns the awful toilet cleaning duty to Jackie and assigns two jobs to Pam (since there's a leftover job now that Chrissy's gone, not that Chrissy ever did ANY work) -- kitchen cleaning and mop duty. Gia tells Pam: “You’re a big bitch so I gave you two things.” Interestingly, despite promising last week to use her VIP power to make Erica (whom Gia also hates) do the toilet cleaning, Gia assigns yard work to Erica, which Erica has done before and actually does not mind (obviously Gia did not realize that).
Jessica, Gia's primary friend and ally, then spills coffee all over the kitchen and won’t clean it up because Pam has kitchen and mopping duty. It's strongly implied that Jessica made the mess on purpose (NOOO!!). Pam is most irritated, but mops up the coffee nevertheless, saying she doesn’t want any more drama. Then everyone packs up and heads out to the mini-vans for their overnight trip.
The vans take the ladies out to a narrow gravel road winding through the hills outside LA. And the ladies are not liking how this is shaping up, as they are in the middle of nowhere. The vans stop and the ladies have to start walking down this very isolated road. Soon they stumble across a bunch of camping equipment that’s been placed there for them. Next Laura Baron shows up and tells them that this week's lesson is about discovering the beauty of nature and learning that they don't have to spend a lot of money to have a fun time, and that they will be camping (but really it's a test to see if the ladies will come together and bond in a rough environment). This immedately concerns the ladies a great deal. Courtnee literally tries to signal and call a timeout (“Laura, you tell I’m gonna do what?”). Erica: “Actually I have been camping before -- I have houses in Aspen and Palm Springs.” Laura Baron gives the ladies a list of things that must be done by dark.
Gia and Jessica take off walking further down the road, carrying a relatively light amount of gear compared to what Gia has assigned the other ladies to lug up the road. Courtnee: “These yard rats had the nerve to leave me, Erica, Jackie and Pam to carry all of this stuff.” Up the road, Jessica almost has a panic attack after she sees a prairie dog sprint across the road. The other girls are having problems with their heavier loads. Complains Jackie about Gia and about having to hoof all this stuff around: “She’s such a bitch -- I feel like a homeless bum.” Meantime, Gia and Jessica are even having problems with their lighter loads, with Gia lamenting that she feels like "the Hunchback of Notre Dame" carrying this crap. After a shovel falls out of Jackie’s gear, she says: “F*** the shovel -- I’m not picking that up.” Erica adds: "Everyone’s sweating except me because I got botox injections under my arms so I don’t sweat."
Jessica is the first to arrive at the ladies' camp site, proclaiming “OH MY GOD!” Apparently the ladies were expecting a house to stay in, and instead they get only a campfire space with tree stumps circled around it for sitting. Jessica: “This is like a horror film!” As the girls with heavier loads arrive, Gia (having already arrived just after Jessica) is lying down on a log trying to catch a tan. Note: Most or all of the ladies still have their heels on and wore them while lugging all this equipment up the road! With everyone at the campsite, Gia makes it clear to all that since she’s VIP, if anyone bitches at her about anything, she’s going to be even harder on them. Erica: “I can tell Gia is about to go on a major power trip.”
Segment 2: Gia assigns the girls to pitch the tents, including her VIP tent. The ladies try to follow the instructions that come with the tents, but Erica has trouble figuring out where the stakes are among the various components of the tent kit. Courtnee: “It’s probably the little things that look like nails.” Erica: “Ohhhhhhhhh!”
Meanwhile, Gia gets her own air mattress for her tent because she’s VIP (while everyone else has to sleep on the hard ground inside their tents). Gia uses the air mattress blower on her boobs to dry off the perspiration. Then Gia lies down on her air mattress and asks Jessica, “do I still look pretty?” Jessica: “You’re in the f***in wilderness, stop trying to look hot!” Then an insect flies down Jessica's boobs and she scurries around trying to get rid of it. Gia is just lounging on her mattress watching all of the other ladies work.
Gia then assigns Jackie and Pam (two of her hated enemies) to go dig "poop holes" for the ladies to use to go to the bathroom. Then get this: Three young dudes stroll up towards the campsite! (During this series, the ladies have had VERY LITTLE exposure to or contact with any men). Brian is one of the three dudes, and he tells the ladies that Laura Baron has sent the dudes up here to help out the ladies.
Another of the dudes, named August, is immediately whisked away by the hand by Erica, who tells him: "I’m single, Pam is single and Courtnee’s single, and I’m the cutest -- are you guys going to stay the night with us?” She also tells him: "I’m actually one of the more lower maintenance of the girls here.” Courtnee: “Where there’s a guy, there’s Erica.” [Point of clarification: I believe that all of these ladies are single except for Gia. I could have that wrong, but I don't think so.]
Jessica and Leanne are ordered by Gia to go help the third dude (who doesn't give his name, but wears a hat) catch some fish. Both are mortified down at a fish pond when they have to actually touch bait worms. Leanne asks Hat Dude, "are there fishes in here?" Hat Dude responds (and I loved this line): "Fish constitutes both the singular and the plural for fish, and yes there should be fish in here." But the two ladies have trouble catching anything, and as they later arrive back at camp, it appears that they caught nothing.
Pam, Jackie and Erica must dig holes for the ladies to go to the bathroom in, and August goes with them to help. Erica says off camera that she wants to do a good job so that August will be impressed with her. After the holes are finished, August tells the three ladies to start gathering firewood to take down to the campsite. But a few of the logs they pick up have ants, which scares the hell out of Jackie and Erica. Says Erica: "It wasn’t exactly the type of wood that I was really looking for" (NO, you can't, and I don't, make this stuff up on this show!).
Courtnee has been assigned build-a-fire duty and is helping Brian assemble wood in what will be the evening campfire. He tells her the sticks and logs needs to be assorted in a log cabin shape in order to get a fire going. Courtnee says: “Are you serious, I thought you just threw all of them in there, lit it, like lit the thingee, so that it go WUSH!” Soon they have a campfire started in the campfire pit. Everyone gathers back at the camp site near dusk, and the three dudes announce that they’re heading out and leaving the ladies alone for the night (much to the chagrin of Erica, who several times had asked August whether the dudes would be staying with them for the night, to which he really never responded with a straight answer).
Now it’s dinner time, and the ladies hit the coolers that they previously hauled up the road. They have hot dogs, some lower-grade steak meat, canned baked beans, and fresh vegetables to roast over the fire (sounds like some awesome campfire eats to me -- just give me the ultra-low-fat hot dogs!). The ladies are not at all enthused about this cuisine, but the wine and champagne with which they have also been provided helps to temper some of their disgust. Erica nestles down by the fire to start roasting up some of the cheap steak meat, saying that she's trying to whip up a wilderness version of one of her favorite dishes, Steak TarTare. Off camera, Jessica comments about Erica: “How the freak is she not melting [so close to the fire]! She’s like 90% plastic!”
The ladies are now running low on firewood, and so Gia orders Pam and Jackie to go grab more wood, which angers them both. Jackie is about to lose it, saying she’s on the edge of a nervous breakdown due to Gia's bossing. As Jackie puts her hands on more wood and the segment heads to commercial, a wolf is oddly heard howling in the distance (and I'm frankly not sure whether this was intended as a sound effect or whether it was supposed to be real -- likely the former).
Segment 3: Nightfall! Jackie off camera reveals that her plan for the night is to drink a lot so that forgets “about everything,” namely Gia. Erica, Pam and Jackie are all getting drunk, while Jess (not drinking) is only becoming annoyed at them. Erica, now very much drunk, says, “who can make the best frog noise,” and she starts in with her annoying noise, over and over and over again. Jess reaches her limit and warns Erica not to make the noise again, although Erica keeps making it (quiet Amber deplores her to stop).
Then Erica changes the discussion topic abruptly: “Who else besides me here has made out with another girl?” It doesn’t look like anyone else raised her hand, except perhaps Pam or Jackie, since it looked like someone almost completely offscreen did raise her hand. Gia and Jessica are becoming increasingly perturbed at Erica’s drunken behavior. Jessica finally can’t take it anymore and walks off to her tent (apparently she's staying in the VIP tent with Gia). Then Jessica discovers that someone has slashed and flattened Gia's air mattress! She breaks the awful news to Gia. It's then revealed that Jackie and Pam plotted and carried out this dastardly act of vandalism against the hated Gia's matress. Says Pam: "Gia can sleep on the ground just like all us other bitches!"
Following the matress slash, Jessica and Jackie start bickering. They debate which one of them hates the other the most. Then they start shouting in each other’s faces. Gia and Jessica (not drinking) next indicate they’re leaving rather than trying to deal with drunk people. But before they can leave, the drunk Jackie calls Gia a “big ass bitch,” prompting Gia to get all in Jackie’s face. Gia and Jessica finally do walk away. Says Jessica: “I can’t take this, this is like an instigation.” And it is. And it’s clear this has been planned by Jackie and Pam (with Erica as an ally) to start standing up to Gia and Jess, who normally tell people what to do and then those people fall in line. Gia and Jess don’t seem to know how to handle this new rebellion!
Following the matress slash, Jessica and Jackie start bickering. They debate which one of them hates the other the most. Then they start shouting in each other’s faces. Gia and Jessica (not drinking) next indicate they’re leaving rather than trying to deal with drunk people. But before they can leave, the drunk Jackie calls Gia a “big ass bitch,” prompting Gia to get all in Jackie’s face. Gia and Jessica finally do walk away. Says Jessica: “I can’t take this, this is like an instigation.” And it is. And it’s clear this has been planned by Jackie and Pam (with Erica as an ally) to start standing up to Gia and Jess, who normally tell people what to do and then those people fall in line. Gia and Jess don’t seem to know how to handle this new rebellion!
Gia and Jess retire to their flattened bed. Erica tells Gia through the tent, “Goodnight birthday loser.” Gia responds: “Goodnight you fake whore.” Back at the fire, Erica and Jackie are getting even more drunk. Erica keeps yelling out trash talk at Gia, who is at the entrance of her tent fuming and warning Erica that she (Gia) is on the verge of coming out there and punching Erica right in the face. Heading to commercial, Erica tells Gia, “Goodnight birthday penis,” which is very non-sensical, although Erica is now falling down drunk, after all!
Segment 4: It’s the morning, and it's Gia's birthday! Courtnee (who is the hot leggy supermodel-type from Charlotte, North Carolina -- the hometown of The Nature Boy Ric Flair -- and who is everyone's friend and supporter, and easily the most redeeming personality on this rotten show) gives Gia a hug and wishes her happy birthday. That was very sweet, Courtnee. Really though! But the bickering starts in immediately between Erica/Jackie vs. Gia/Jessica. Moderator Laura Baron strolls in to the campsite to the alarming sound of Jackie and Jessica lobbing F-bombs at each other. “What’s going on!?” asks Laura. She's very disappointed to arrive to all of this fighting and orders the girls to get packed up now, and she tells them that she'll see them back at the house promptly. Off camera, Laura comments: “Only one night away from civilzation and they completely unraveled.”
Back at the house, Gia, Leanne and Jessica gather everyone’s grocery lists and go grocery shopping for the week. They head out to Fields Market/Fine Foods in LA. Leanne (whom, although she's nice, has very much faded into the background as a lackey for everyone, and should never be compared in the same breath with Courtnee & Amber) comments: “Today’s Gia’s birthday so we're going to get anything Gia wants.” The threesome basically fills the whole shopping cart with items that Gia wants, with Jessica and Leanne only too happy to partake in the endeavor (Jessica and Leanne: Ever heard of thinking Independently for once in your lives!?). Gia makes it clear that this is revenge for last night, as Jackie, Erica and Pam will not be getting any of their requested groceries.
Back at the house, Gia, Leanne and Jessica gather everyone’s grocery lists and go grocery shopping for the week. They head out to Fields Market/Fine Foods in LA. Leanne (whom, although she's nice, has very much faded into the background as a lackey for everyone, and should never be compared in the same breath with Courtnee & Amber) comments: “Today’s Gia’s birthday so we're going to get anything Gia wants.” The threesome basically fills the whole shopping cart with items that Gia wants, with Jessica and Leanne only too happy to partake in the endeavor (Jessica and Leanne: Ever heard of thinking Independently for once in your lives!?). Gia makes it clear that this is revenge for last night, as Jackie, Erica and Pam will not be getting any of their requested groceries.
Prior to the grocery shopping threesome's arrival back at the house, Erica and Pam resolve to try to stay away from Jessica and Gia, whom Pam describes as “both insane” and having “a lot of issues” (although who doesn't on this show, truth be told?). Erica: “I’m really tired of fighting Jess and Gia -- they’re not really worthy opponents to me anyway.”
The grocery shopping crew arrives home and Gia gloats that she didn't get the groceries that Jackie, Erica and Pam wanted, even though those 3 ladies completed their household chores this week. Erica complains and then storms off in a huff, to which Gia responds: “I don’t care, Erica, go f*** yourself!” [Personal Note: Hold it right there Gia: That's MY catchphrase!] Gia then reveals that she spent most of the ladies' grocery budget for the entire week buying ingredients to make Gia a birthday cake!!!
On the outside patio, an angry Jackie says it’s her mission to make this the worst birthday that Gia has ever had, with Pam and Erica ready to help. The three of them take to calling Gia (out of her hearing), “Queen B, meaning Queen Basset Hound!” Erica then pokes her head inside the house and says “Hi Basset Hound” to Gia. Pam joins in from outside with some dog howling noises. Gia storms outside and gets in Erica’s face -- “Who are you calling a dog!” Erica responds: “Don’t touch me.” Courtnee (everybody’s friend, who stays out of all this drama and BS) is on the sideline grinning at the behavior of Erica & Gia. Erica tries to walk away, but Gia follows her around the yard saying, “Don’t call me a dog!” over and over again. Erica is remaining cool, but Gia’s about to lose it. Erica: “Fight with your words Gia -- you don’t have enough words to fight with.” Pam and Jackie are at the deck table laughing it up at this sight.
Segment 5: Time for the ladies' weekly sit down with Laura Baron at the house. Laura is very disappointed that the ladies didn’t bond on the camping trip but rather returned to their bad behavior. Pam complains about Gia taking advantage of her VIP title. Gia admits she abused her power, but that she did so “with all the pride in the world!” Jessica complains about how Erica and Jackie were carrying on drunk with trash talk the previous night after Jessica and Gia went to bed. Gia then accuses Erica of having implants (which is probably true, but who knows for sure and who really cares? -- Awesome Rack = Awsome Rack). Erica responds: “You know my boobs aren’t implants, they just look really good tonight.” Erica always has this silly little grin on her face, and Jessica erupts at the sight of it: “Stop smiling like that, you Malibu whore” [a funny line, principally because Erica Rose is a Texas gal from Houston].
Segment 6: Laura Baron tells the lades that she believes in all of them and wants them to just "let their walls down," stop all the fighting, and "not be affected by all the noise." Jessica really likes the line about "not being affected by all the noise" and tells Laura that she (Jessica) might adopt that as her new motto. Now it's time for this week's grades from Laura Baron!
Jessica was way too angry this week and fails. Pam somehow passes (not sure why), apparently because Erica and Jackie were more the direct instigators against Gia and Jessica. Jackie is credited for standing up for herself, but Laura thinks she took that too far and fails Jackie. Courtnee, Amber and Leanne all pass for being their generally positive selves, although Laura tells them they are not taking enough risks and that she wants them to start asserting more leadership. OK, Sorry, but that's very choice! I'm OK with telling them to assert more leadership, but WTF is with that comment telling them to take more risks! Those 3, to their credit, stay the hell out of all this mindless, 1st-grade style drama and bickering engaged in incessantly by Erica, Pam, Jackie, Gia and Jessica. How precisely are they supposed to start taking some risks? By starting to get in the middle of that moronic verbal sparring? Sorry, but that comment and criticism was way out of line and way misplaced by Ms. Laura Baron. But I digress.
Next up: Gia. Laura Baron obviously fails Gia for abusing her VIP powers by doing absolutely nothing while she doled out the worst jobs to the people she hates the most. Erica also fails (and deservedly so, despite her extremely hot look and very funny lines) for instigating a lot of the crap this week and simultaneously always trying to play the victim.
And here's a bit of a bombshell. Since in Laura Baron's eyes, no one improved to any great degree this week (even though 4 girls did pass), no one is awarded VIP this week. This again goes towards my running criticism of this show and the VIP award: Since the award is all about rewarding people who acted terribly the week before and then acted better the following week, nice girls who never f*** up like Courtnee and Amber (my two personal favorites on this show, even if I do also find Erica and Gia to be incredibly hot) can NEVER possibly win VIP! But oh well, them's just the rules of the game, I guess. UPPPP! THEMZ THE RULZ!
To end this segment and this episode, Laura Baron warns the ladies that just a few weeks are left in the series (Thank God, truth be told! -- I will NEVER again cover another hour-long reality series -- half-hour ones for me from here on out!). With only two weeks left, Laura tells the ladies that time is running out to get where they need to be in order to graduate from the show and to have their benefactors take them back with open arms (and open pocketbooks). Erica caps off the episode by commenting, “I still the think the world would be a lot better of a place if Gia had never been born.”
Preview of the Two Remaining Episodes of Season 1: Michelle Williams of Destiny’s Child meets the ladies and introduces them to a charitable program close to her heart known as PATH (People Assisting The Homeless). That's right, the ladies' next assignment is to serve homeless food at a homeless shelter! The prospect of this endeavor makes the ladies none too happy, BTW. And in a special added attraction, the ladies rejoice as they find out they are about to get the wardrobes back that they they were forced to discard at the start of the series -- only to find out, such wardrobes are going to be auctioned off to raise money for PATH! I love it when Snobbish Disappointments Meet Good Causes! Great Stuff Upcoming! Check Back Next Monday Night!
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