I've Heard of "Darkhorse" Candidates, But This Is Ridiculous: Ill-Intentioned, Bad-Talking Vampire to Run for President in 2012!

Do we really need "new blood" in politics this bad? His name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey ("Impaler" being his actual nickname) (pictured on right and immediately above), and the New Jersey resident and self-described vampire -- who has previously run for governor of Minnesota -- has tossed his bat into the ring to run against Obama in 2012.

The Impaler has filed the required registration with the Federal Election Commission, and so his candidacy is officially off and bleeding (link to full story at bottom). And if you're looking for a "tough on crime" candidate, The Impaler may definitely be your ghoul:

"I won't be bullied, I won't be blackmailed. Criminals and terrorists will fear me along with corrupt law enforcement officials. I will not tolerate crime or terrorism."

The Impaler may also be a bite of fresh blood in the sense that he doesn't appear to mince words like so many of your garden variety, mealy mouthed democrats and republicans. Said the Impaler:

"Certain criminals, instead of being put in jail, they should be brutally tortured and impaled. Upon them being found guilty of their crimes I'll beat them, dismember them and decapitate them."

I guess they don't call him "the Impaler" for nothing. And while many politicians like to spend their off-time with such blue-blooded pursuits as a round of golf, a trek around the equestrian course or a nice game hunt, the Impaler has them beat there too, as he prefers to occupy his life with more red-blooded American activities:

"Sharkey says that he drinks the blood of his 'girlfriends and mistresses' [what's the difference?] two times a week."

But the Impaler does seem just a bit delusional when it comes to assessing his odds of turning a state dinner red anytime soon:

"Yes, I have a chance of winning. People like Sarah Palin are making it quite easy to pull off."

While that last quote would seem very accurate coming out of the mouth of Obama himself, it doesn't work so well for the Impaler, who unfortunately will have just a little more competition than only Mama Grizzly (who's unlikely to get the GOP nomination, anyway).

But what if the Impaler could face Palin in a straight up race, just the two of them? I'm afraid that I'd have to give this crazy vampire a real bitin' chance in that one.

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/vampire-hopefuls-running-president-2012/story?id=12733468&page=1

Giving a Whole New Meaning to "Happy Ending"? Hardly: Female Nurse Loses License for 20 Years for Having Sex w/ Terminally Ill Male Hospice Patient.

The Oklahoma dude had six months to live when he and his hospice nurse, 33-year-old Amber Van Brunt (pictured on left), did the dirty deed. Van Brunt admits the affair occurred but claims it was OK since she wasn't "on duty" at the time. (Is that really the best she could come up with?!).

Meantime, the dude -- 43-year-old food salesman Chris Reiter -- was a married father of two who claimed that Van Brunt had "seduced" him (links to full story at bottom).

The fling went down at the terminally ill Reiter's home (apparently right under his wife's nose), and it looks to cost Van Brunt her nursing license for a long time after the Oklahoma Nursing Board suspended the license for 20 years. (BTW, if you're going to make it 20 years, why not make it permanent?). Van Brunt does have an ongoing appeal, however.

I had in mind to bust out some variation of an old Henny Youngman one-liner (from Goodfellas: "Patient with six months to live told doctor that he couldn’t pay his bill; doctor gave him another six months"), but then I read the very sad ending to this story:

It appears that Van Brunt broke the guy's heart when (after they'd already been between the sheets) she broke the news to Reiter that she was pregnant by another dude. And she reportedly didn't even spill the beans in person, instead sending Reiter a text message stating, simply, that she had been "knocked up" by someone else. (How nice).

Reiter shot her a text back (can I still say "shot," CNN and democrat party?) that said, "You broke my heart babe." Reiter reportedly attempted suicide after that, and he died a few months later. His wife claims that Reiter didn't die from his terminal condition (ALS), but rather starved himself to death.

The moral of the story: Professionals, regardless of profession, should never get sexually involved with patients, clients or customers. It could potentially impact the professionalism with which they do their jobs, and (moreover) it's just slimy. Rarely a "happy ending," I would assume.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1348608/Amber-Van-Brunt-Nurse-sex-married-patient-loses-license.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20028760-504083.html?tag=pop

I Nominate the Wall Street Journal This Weekend For the Worst Headline of the Year: "Obama to Push New Spending."Stop the (Money Printing) Press!

I thought the point of a headline is to grab attention? To very succinctly state the newness or uniqueness of the story, or to at least cleverly entertain through use of puns and phraseology. The point of headlines is never to bore or to extend a full invitation to the reader to look elsewhere for a story to read.

In that vein, words and phrases like "ongoing," "continues," and "remains the same" are to be avoided like the plague in headlines and news writing. Such terms mean that nothing's changed. Nothing's new. So why is the journalist writing about it? What's new? Where's the news?

Which brings me to a Wall Street Journal headline and story this weekend (link at bottom): The headline reads, "Obama to Push New Spending," and the story's first sentence says that "President Barack Obama will call for new government spending on infrastructure, education and research in his State of the Union address Tuesday."

Obama to push for new and bigger spending? Why not just write a headline that says, "Sun Rises in the East." Or how about, "Winter Expected to be Cold." Or I got it: "Alabama $hithouse Wreaks." Or maybe: "Lady Gaga Shocks."

Well, invitation accepted, Wall Street Journal. I read that headline and first sentence, and it was on to the next story for me. But I will leave you with a boring and obvious headline of my own, under which you can feel free to file this one away: "Rager Says Entertain Me."

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704754304576096171216582908.html?mod=WSJ_hp_MIDDLENexttoWhatsNewsSecond

The "Todd Palin Sex Scandal" Is a Sexy Story, But Probably Not True: Just Look at Whom He Was Allegedly Cheating With!

Her name is Shailey Tripp, and she's featured in the first and second pictures above from the National Enquirer's "story" (as found on the website, "Hollywood Dame" -- links at bottom). Tripp is a massage therapist who's reportedly been busted for prostitution.

As best as I can tell, the only possible link the Enquirer has between Shailey Tripp and Todd Palin comes in the form of mysterious "documents" that allegedly show that Tripp "contributed free massages to an anonymous person working for Sarah's campaign for governor of Alaska."

Those "documents," plus an anonymous e-mail alleging that Todd received some "happy endings" from the masseuse, are the basis of the Enquirer's story. There you have it! There must have been an affair! Very flimsy stuff.

But nevermind that this "story" is very short on facts and evidence and long on innuendo. Nope, what truly makes it utterly unbelievable is its most basic premise: That Todd Palin would actually cheat on his very hot wife with that!

If he did, that would make Todd demented. Deranged. Sick. Twisted. In need of a lobotomy. Shock therapy. Or at a minimum, the "First Dude" is legally blind. That would be the best case scenario.

And that's why I call "bunk" on this whole story until the Enquirer comes forward with something more and until something other than tabloid and left-wing websites pay any attention to it.

One very odd coincidence (or is it?) in this whole thing that few seem to be talking about: That the son of Todd and Sarah's daughter, Bristol, is named "Tripp." Maybe the Dancing With the Stars "sensation" Bristol was the "anonymous person" on the Palin campaign who received the free massages? And Shailey Tripp did such a great job that Bristol named her child after Tripp?

Of course, that would be outlandish speculation -- very much like the Todd Palin affair allegation itself, at this point. But if it does ultimately turn out to be true, it's sure going to be fun to blog about it. That much is fo' sho'!

http://www.nationalenquirer.com/todd_palin_sex_scandal_prostitute_shailey_tripp_exclusive/celebrity/70033 http://hollywooddame.com/2011/01/21/todd-palin-had-an-affair-with-hooker-photos/

Forgettaboutit! As the FBI This Week Scores the Biggest Bust of American Mafia Figures in History, I'm Already Thinking Ahead to the Movie!

In case you missed it, the FBI this week arrested 127 alleged organized crime members from all of the infamous "Five Families" of New York City (I thought Michael Corleone already rubbed all of them out in 1972?) as well as from mafia families in New Jersey and New England (links at bottom). Put another way, it was a bad day indeed for The Sopranos and for a lot of other goodfellas. All in all, it was the biggest single operation takedown of wiseguys in American history.

The crimes charged against these 127 "friends of ours" cover 30 years and a range of crimes that likely come as no surprise to anyone: Protection rackets; shakedowns; assorted racketeering; extortion; drug trafficking; labor corruption; maimings; and a healthy dose of gangland and completely senseless murders -- one involving an important dispute over spilled drinks.

One highly entertaining aspect of the busts are all of the colorful character names and nicknames sported by these 127 individuals (read on). And you know that a movie will ultimately be produced highlighting the details of the FBI's investigation and the final days on the loose of these 127 (alleged) members of La Cosa Nostra.

I nominate Martin Scorsese to produce and direct the inevitable film, and I encourage him to take it even bigger than his previous gangster epics such as Goodfellas, Casino and The Departed. Let's go a full four hours, and let's give it the biggest name cast in the history of gangster movies! Here's what I'm talkin' about (based on the names & nicknames of this week's various arrestees):

The Gangsters

-Bartolomeo "Bobby Glasses" Vernace (Gambino family boss) ... Al Pacino

-Andrew "The Mush" Russo (Colombo family boss) ... Marlon Brando (sure he's dead, but just use modern imaging technology, like in Tron Legacy)

-Richard "The Claw" Fusco (Colombo consigliore) ... Robert De Niro

-Joseph "Junior Lollipops" Carna (Colombo capo) ... Joe Pesci

-Dennis "Fat Dennis/The Beard" DeLucia (Colombo capo) ... Johnny Depp

-Vincenzo "Vinny Carwash" Frogiero (Gambino soldier) ... James Gandolfini

-Frank "Meatball" Ballantoni (Gambino associate) ... Steve Buscemi

-Anthino "Hootie" Russo (Colombo capo) ... Joe Pantoliano

-Jack the Whack ... Frank Vincent

-"Johnny Cash" ... Robert Loggia (a fellow Missouri J-School grad, BTW, although 42 years before me)

-Tony Bagels ... James Caan

-Johnny Pizza ... Abe Vigoda

-"Lumpy" ... Ray Liotta

-"The Bull" ... Robert Duvall

-"The Fang" ... Vincent Pastore

-"Baby Shacks" ... Tony Sirico

The Wives

-Mrs. Mush ... Edie Falco

-Mrs. Lollipop ... Talia Shire

-Mrs. Claw ... Diane Keaton

-Mrs. Fang ... Susie Essman (creative casting)

-Mrs. Glasses ... Sharon Stone

-Mrs. Carwash ... Aida Turturro

The Girlfriends

-Gumar to The Whack ... Lorraine Bracco

-Meatball's gumar ... Jamie-Lynn Sigler

-Gumar to Mr. Pizza ... Drea de Matteo

-Baby Shacks' Baby ... Michelle Pfeiffer

The Molls

-Moll to Mr. Bagels ... Angelina Jolie

-The Beard's Girl Friday ... Christina Hendricks

-Hootie's Blowfish ... Kathrine Narducci

The Heat

-Lead FBI Investigator ... Jeff Bridges

-Key Undercover Mob Infiltrator ... Matt Damon

Working title: "The Mush, The Meatball and Me" or, alternatively, "Whackin' Out The Whack!"

Two words: EP-IC!!!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1348951/100-suspected-mobsters-arrested-biggest-crackdown-New-York-mafia.html
http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/01/20/feds-arrest-over-100-in-ny-nj-mob-takedown/

http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/expert-mob-takedown-shines-light-fading-aging-pathetic/story?id=12729795&page=2

I Declare This "Uncivil Thursday" After Democrat Compares GOP to Nazis and Florida Teens Allegedly Snort Ashes of Cremated Man Like They Were Cocaine.

Let the non-civility begin! First up is democrat party congressman Steve Cohen of Tennessee, who – during this week's debate on the repeal of the health care monstrosity – "invoked the Holocaust to attack republicans on health care and compared rhetoric on the issue to the work of infamous Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels" (first link at bottom). Said Cohen:

"They [republicans] say it's a government takeover of health care, a big lie just like Goebbels. You say it enough, you repeat the lie, and eventually, people believe it . . . The Germans said enough about the Jews and people believed it -- and you have the Holocaust."

Nice. Is this what the American left was talking about when they preached to all of us non-stop over the past few weeks about the need for "civility"? Do as they say, not as they do, as usual. Hypocrites.

And an uncivil honorable mention from the political world, BTW, goes to new republican governor of Alabama, Robert Bentley, for his comments earlier this week stating that only Christians are his "brothers" (second link at bottom). Those comments stink like a $hithouse; but then again, it is Alabama.

The most unholy of the uncivil this week comes out of the Sunshine State. Sort of a non-civility coup de grace, you might say: Five Florida teens stand accused of burglarizing a house, swiping the cremated remains of a man and trying to snort them up like cocaine! (Third link at bottom).

Just for good measure, the five teens also allegedly stole from the home the cremated ashes of two dogs and then tried to snort those too! You might think this was one dumb bunch of (alleged) criminals, but not so fast!:

The linked story indicates that they did eventually realize the ashes were not making them high, at which time they ceased & desisted in their snorting. But by then, it was too late: These alleged snorting sleazebuckets had already "urned" a one-way ticket to the pokey.

http://blogs.abcnews.com/thenote/2011/01/abc-news-jonathan-karl-reports-the-newfound-civility-didnt-last-long-political-rhetoric-in-congress-doesnt-get-much.html
http://www.salon.com/news/politics/war_room/2011/01/18/alabama_governor_christians
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/teen-thieves-snorted-cremated-remains

Their Eyes Have Seen the Glory of the Comin' of the Sarah? Supporters Record Oddball Tribute Song to Palin. Will It Hit the Top 40?

It's been all over the Net this week and has gone viral on YouTube. The zany song is called the "Sarah Palin Battle Hymn," and it's set to the music of the famous "Battle Hymn of the Republic." It was apparently recorded at a church by the motley duo shown above.

I say that because nothing says solemn church service quite like an old ball cap and a political hymn or two. And isn't that the same dude who performed that old novelty song, "Convoy" (above right)?

Regardless, and likely thankfully, I don't think this or too many other Palin tribute songs are going to be hittin' heavy rotation on the nation's Top 40 stations anytime soon. Can you just imagine what this week's Billboard Top 10 might look like if all of America's popular music artists became suddenly smitten with Sarah? Maybe something like this:

#10. Rihanna, "Only Rogue (In the World)"

#9. Bruno Mars, "Just the Wasilla You Are"

#8. Black Eyed Peas, "The Slime (Dirty Dem)"

#7. Wiz Khalifa, "Black And Yellow Blood Libel"

#6. Todd Inglesias, "Tonight (I'm Nailin' Palin)"

#5. P!nk, "Raise Your Tea Cup"

#4. Ke$ha, "We R Who We Refudiate"

#3. Rihanna, "What's My Latest Bra Size"

#2. Katy Perry, "Firework & FireObama"

#1. Bruno Mars, "Grenade That Grizzly!"

Good Grief. Forget the First Amendment: With a list like that, I think I'd actually want Obama’s FCC Diversity Czar Mark Lloyd to get his jollies and start imposing some censorship!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/17/sarah-palin-battle-hymn-song-video_n_810005.html#s225348&title=Sarah_Palin_Battle

http://music-mix.ew.com/2011/01/13/bruno-mars-no-1-billboard-hot-100-chart-2/

Clone Zone: "I Don’t Want to Live My Life Again," Said Snuffleupagus. The Woolly Mammoth, Like Most Things From the Past, Should Stay Dead & Buried.

"I don't want to live my life again" was a line from legendary rock group The Ramones' theme song from the Pet Sematary films. The point being: Once dead, whom in their right mind really wants to come back to life, lest you wish to end up like Clancy Brown's crazy "Gus the Sheriff" character or one of the many demented resurrected pets from those films.

That's the first thing that occurred to me when I read the crazy story this week of a Japanese "researcher" who wants to bring an extinct woolly mammoth back to life (so to speak) through the cloning process over the next five years (link to full story at bottom).

His name is Akira Iritani of Kyoto University, and he claims he can resurrect a woolly mammoth through cloning if he can just get his little hands on some frozen tissue from the remains of one of the extinct pachyderms in Siberia. He says he would use a modern elephant from Africa to act as a "surrogate" mama. How convenient.

Iritani says that if he gets ahold of the proper tissue, his chances for bringing back a living woolly mammoth would be 30 percent. Translation: He would have little or no chance of actually pulling it off.

But regardless, why even try? What truly bona fide purpose is there? He'd be creating a solitary lonely animal, not bringing back the entire species. And for what? So that human beings could gawk at it in some display somewhere? So that stuffy academics somewhere can purport to "study" it and stick their "findings" in some science journal read by no one?

I for one say let the woolly mammoth rest in peace. Dead things from the past best live on in history books only.

http://www.thetechherald.com/article.php/201103/6703/World-to-welcome-back-woolly-mammoth-by-2016

No Fun League? I Can Appreciate Players Behaving Like Jackasses, Just So Long As They Entertain Me!

And the New York Jets' Shonn Greene certainly did entertain me yesterday. If you didn't catch the Jets 28-21 upset victory over New England, Greene scored a touchdown to put the Jets up by 14 points in the waning minutes. Pretty much game over. And to signify that fact, Greene celebrated the TD by laying down and taking a little nap in the endzone, using the football as his pillow (as shown above). In short: "Nap time" for the Patriots.

Just for good measure, it seemed like all of the Jets' "players, coaches, trainers, fans, press corps, rodeo clowns, and escaped mental patients converged on Greene" to wake him from his slumber and join in the celebration. And to top things off, Greene -- after being awakened -- sprinted off the field doing his best impersonation of a jet airliner (a common gesture by the Jets players, but Greene's "flight" was perhaps the best effort of the day).

Through some combination of all of these events, Greene drew a 15-yard "unsportsmanlike conduct" penalty that was assessed on the "ensuing" (can't we just say "next" or "following"?) kickoff. But the game was essentially over, with only 1:46 left on the clock. If the Jets had found a way to lose that game at that point, it certainly would not have been because of Greene's penalty. It wasn't like Greene's TD had merely put the Jets up by one score.

Which brings me to the sourpuss, Grumpy Gus reaction of CBS' old prude play-by-by announcer Jim Nantz. Nantz, who doubles as the network's main Golf Whisperer, has apparently been hanging around too many stuff country clubs and golf courses and, perhaps, should be put out to pasture like so many Pat Summeralls. His reaction:

"I've never understood the absurdity of all the self-aggrandizing and now you're going to cost your team 15 yards on the kick and you're going to give Brady and his unit a chance to do something."

Wrong, Jimmy boy. As stated, the game was over. Have a little fun, dude! This wasn't the back nine at Augusta National. And BTW: "Self-aggrandizing"? Who are you -- Nancy Pelosi or Karl Rove? Who talks that way? Why not toss some "robust," "vitriolic," "paradigm" or "capitulation" blasts into the mix why you're at it? If you're going to talk like some out-of-touch DC beltway insider, you might as well use the whole vocabulary!

For the record, I personally found Greene's routine to be hilarious. And I don't mean merely "LOL" funny, which has come to be the Internet age's way of fake-laughing through a keyboard. Nope. I actually busted out in laughter watching Greene's whole scene yesterday. The only thing better would have been for Greene to break out a little blanket and maybe a nightcap as appropriate props. Now that would have been really funny!

Final thought: Pro sports could use a few more teams like the Jets (just not too many more) -- the brash, arrogant team completely molded in the over-the-top personality of its head coach, Rex Ryan. As indicated, I wouldn't want every pro sports team to mirror the Jets, but it's certainly entertaining to have some of those teams around. Especially in the No Fun League.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Video-CBS-announcer-bashes-Jets-absurd-touchd?urn=nfl-308377
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/575289-nfl-playoffs-2011-new-york-jets-pittsburgh-steelers-and-mondays-top-nfl-news/entry/42688-shonn-greene-taking-a-nap-in-the-end-zone-draws-flag-who-cares
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/jets/galleries/jets_look_to_back_up_talk_vs_patriots/jets_look_to_back_up_talk_vs_patriots.html

I've Heard of Back Alley Abortions, But "Black Market Boob & Butt Jobs" Out of an Apartment Bedroom? And Complete With a Healthy Dose of Krazy Glue?!

With a headline reading "Booby-Trapped," this story's from New York, where 36-year-old Whalesca Castillo (pictured on the left) has allegedly been running a "breast-&-butt mill" out of her own bedroom "since at least 2009" (link to full story at bottom).

Cops say Castillo, a beautician, would take advantage of her job at a local hair and nail salon to enlist people "who wanted more than just pretty nails" in order to be clients at her makeshift apartment boob & butt job clinic. According to the cops, "her bedroom looked like a clinic, but with a massage table instead of an operating table."

The reported going rate for one of Castillo’s amateur boob or butt jobs? 1000 clams. Once the customer had bucked up, it was time to bust out the silicon! Castillo would allegedly have her "patients" sprawl out on the massage table "for dangerous injections of liquid silicone that she had shipped from the Dominican Republic." But it was only after the injections that the real fun began (allegedly)!

Instead of using a sterile suture to close up the wounds, cops say that Castillo would close things up with Krazy Glue! (I wonder what she used for an anesthetic? A bottle of Jack Daniels?)

And if you had an adverse reaction to one of these insane procedures, then you wouldn't want to look to Castillo for any help or support: Cops says that after one "patient" passed out following a Castillo "treatment," Castillo told the woman that "she couldn't go the hospital because the injections were illegal."

And illegal for a reason: The injections also risked the the life of the "patient." The reported risks of these twisted "procedures" included permanent lumps in the skin, infection, skin ulceration, and even death.

That's why the FBI busted the alleged boob job charlatan this week and is trying to throw the book at her. Castillo bonded out of the can on Friday for $100,000 and now faces three years in the joint. (I'm surprised they're not trying to give her the rack.)

Maybe in the pen she can find some new customers and get back in business right there in her cell: Ten cartons ‘a smokes for a boob job; Eight cartons to pad that ass.

http://newyorkpost.com/p/news/local/bronx/booby_trapped_EDzlKSQPVHJE69shdiyidN

Where Are the Calls for "Civility" to the Nation's Animals After a Bloody Week in which a Fox Shot a Man & a Rat Bit a Dude Right on the Tallywacker?!

It was a bad week for humans. The small land mammals of the world are apparently fed up with us pushing our weight around so much, and they ain't takin' it any longer! First up is the curious case of the fox who reportedly used his "paw" (do foxes have paws or hoofs?) to pull the trigger on a rifle, injuring the man who had been hunting the fox.

The first linked story says the fox had been wounded by the hunter but "shot its would be killer" by "pulling the trigger on the hunter's gun as the pair scuffled after the man tried to finish the animal off with the butt of the rifle."

Frankly, I'm not sure what the odder sight would be here: The fox operating a firearm or the fox putting up his dukes (errrr, paws) in order to engage in a "scuffle" with the hunter? Regardless, "the animal fiercely resisted and in the struggle" ended up reportedly "pulling the trigger with its paw," sending the hunter to the ER with a leg wound. The fox escaped, and there's no word whether it's facing any charges or whether it remains armed and dangerous.

Next up: I've heard of a "jailhouse rat," but this ridiculous (second link)! Some rat (both figuratively and literally) in New York allegedly took a bite out of a male inmate's penis at a county hoosegow, "drawing blood" in the process.

The inmate – 54-year-old Peter Solomon – says the furry critter's presence was due to the deliberate "indifference" of his jailers, who allegedly "knew the ward in which they placed him was infested with rodents." Solomon also claims his jailers "mistreated him because he is black," and that he's been the butt of jokes ("rabies jabs") around the joint ever since the rat mistook his junk for a Kraft cheese stick.

Since I doubt the rat has two plug nickels to scrape together, Solomon is instead going after the deeper pockets of the county in a new lawsuit. Similar to the gun-toting fox, there's no indication yet whether this rat is still on the loose or whether cops are looking to finger it for its alleged little role in this whole sordid event.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/us_belarus_fox;_ylt=Anaio1QYos_5VVn.0OJI1nJzfNdF
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-12187409

Coldfellas: It's "The Obama Way" on Full Display, As Brooklyn Ice Cream Man Brings Knife to a Fight with Competitor, But Gets Coned w/ a Baseball Bat!

As I listen today to the 1,000th democrat party member tell me this week to act with more "civility," I see this crazy story from the New York Post and am reminded of Obama's famous line, "If they bring a knife to a fight, we bring a gun!" Well, that may be "The Chicago Way," but in the Big Apple you don’t need a piece at a knife fight – just a Louisville Slugger!

The whole incident started when ice cream delivery man Steven Perez ("Stevie") (pictured above) allegedly "tried to carve up a rival like a banana split." Stevie -- the "regular ice cream supplier" to a local grocery store -- saw competitor Homero Jaramillo attempting to muscle in on his business by "trying to sell some cut-rate Haagen-Dazs to the shop’s owner."

This apparently didn't cut the mustard with Stevie, who then allegedly proceeded to try to cut the custard by going after his ice cream rival with a box cutter! Perhaps suffering from momentary brain freeze, Stevie allegedly screamed: "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!" Put another way, Stevie "threatened to turn his dessert-dealing rival into rocky road."

It reportedly took the store owner and his brother to restrain Stevie, which gave Homero a chance to lickety-split-it right out the joint’s front door faster than a pistachio puma. But "the cold war didn't end there." Not by a long shot.

Homero allegedly went to his truck, scooped up a baseball bat like it was vanilla ice cream, and headed back into the store to get a piece of the box cutter-wielding Stevie (allegedly)! Give me a bat over a knife any day, as the ice cream peddling competitor reportedly creamed Stevie right across his back side with the lumber! Home run, Homero. Nothing soft serve about it.

The store owner says Homero's bat shot was "self defense," while Stevie claims he never brandished any box cutter in the first place. But they'll have to tell it to the judge, since each of these sorbet warriors may have to spend some time cooling off in the can as opposed to the ice cream parlor:

After all the chocolate chips had settled, cops threw the book at both ice cream fighters with charges of assault, "menacing" and harassment – which could put both men on ice for a while to come. I wonder if they serve Haagen-Dazs in the hoosegow?

http://www.newyorkpost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/ice_cream_cold_war_BrqhnEoBPyuqhDadB1jgaI