Nailin' Palin, Indeed! As New Book Alleges Sarah Palin Banged Basketball Star Glen Rice in the Late '80s AD, I Can Only Imagine Her Pillow Talk...

As you've probably by now heard, the allegations from the upcoming Joe McGinniss book are being reported in the National Enquirer. McGinniss writes that Sarah Palin in 1987 AD -- less than a year before she married high school sweetheart Todd Palin -- threw herself at and shacked up with then-Michigan basketball star Glen Rice while he was playing in the Great Alaska Shootout. Sarah Palin was a local sports reporter at the time (picture at top/link to story at bottom).

Now, rather than injecting into this item, like everybody else out there, (1) a 1000 obvious basketball puns, (2) some rather inappropriate racial "humor" or (3) the cliched phrase "Drill Baby Drill," I'm taking a slightly different tact. The "High Road," you might say.

In so doing, I give you the Top Ten things Sarah Palin might have said while she was getting boned by Glen Rice (allegedly). (And never mind it was 1987):

10. "So THAT's what the 'Bush Doctrine' means?"

9. "Refudiate me good, like it was 1789, you Patriot!"

8. "You can rear your head in Alaska air space any damn time."

7. "Now THOSE are what I call some big cajones!"

6. "Hit that Fannie Mae with your Freddie Mac, you betcha!"

5. "Just get a load of these fake boobs -- don't they feel, like, Realsville, Daddy-O?"

4. "Ooo, why can't the 'lamestream media' give me this kind of coverage?!"

3. "Ring my bells, fire your gun, and ride me like a plow horse, Paul Revere!"

2. "Super secret agent hose pipe has infiltrated the tea party!"

1. "How ya like the taste a' THEM crosshairs?!"

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2011/09/14/2011-09-14_sarah_palin_had_sex_with_basketball_player_snorted_cocaine_and_cheated_on_husban.html?r=news

He Made a Real Splash on that Ass: Slug Tries to Knock Over Gas Station, But Gets Thwarted When Attendant Sprays Him with Gas Hose!

This slimeball really "got hosed." Next time he might want to just pay at the pump. Lest he wants to (literally) guzzle some more gas on his next "fill 'er up." Talk about, Up Yer Nose With a Damn Gas Hose, already!

It all started when some dirtbag (pictured immediately above) in Lowell, Massachusetts tried to bring a knife to a gas fight. The surveillance video from the local BP gas station shows this creep holding a knife as he approached a gas pump there at the station.

The target? One of these station's attendants. The scuzball tried to strong-arm the attendant, "pressed the knife against his back and demanded money."

Only the attendant brought a little more ammunition to this sorry gas stop than the goon was anticipating. In the process, the attendant also gave a whole new meaning to the concept of "full service."

I mean, this attendant was pumped! Dude reportedly grabbed a hold of a gas hose and blasted the crumjob wannabe robber with a huge shot a' car juice!

"He tried to spray him with the gas," said the station's owner. The surveillance video then shows the slimebait deposed robber scurrying away from the scene just like the sewer rat that he is.

The attendant and a station customer reportedly gave chase after the reptile on foot, only to ran out of gas. With his chasers running on fumes, the skunk was able to escape. Cops think this Neanderthal may have jumped in a getaway car (apparently fully gassed up) and put the gas pedal to the metal.

He's still on the loose today. But I definitely see a trip from the gas house to the big house in his future. Meantime customers of this joint are defending the attendant's actions, citing his right to self-defense.

One customer even wants to see the attendant come more prepared the next time he has to dole out a gas shower: "I just hope, you know, the next time the guy has a match or a lighter." But I can't approve of that thinking at all, which accomplishes little more than adding fuel to the fire, in my opinion.

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2011/09/12/lowell-gas-station-attendant-hoses-robbery-attempt/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2036895/BP-station-clerk-fights-attacker-spraying-gas-pump.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

She Goes Ape for Her Smokes: "Orangutan Is Kicked Out of Zoo for Smoking" and Munching on Rubbish! Shirley, They Can't Be Serious!

She may now have to try to quit cold monkey. That's because there's no more cigarette smoking for Shirley, a 25-year-old orangutan (pictured above and below) who just got booted out of her Malaysian zoo for lightin' up one too many times.

But the thing is, it's not really Shirley's fault. Wildlife cops in the southeast Asian country say that zoo visitors were routinely tossing cigarette butts Shirley's way, which she would then proceed to monkey around with and smoke.

The wildlife cops told the zoo to clean up its act, but the only thing the zoo did to stop things was to post a "no smoking" sign outside Shirley's cage. Yeah, that'll take care of the problem! Not. Now the cops have moved the smokin' scalawag to another zoo.

And not only that, but they've also taken away all of Shirley's smokes! Threw a real monkey wrench into her habit, they did. Talk about sending a monkey some real mixed smoke signals.

Her new zoo director says Shirley's butts have now gone bye-bye "because smoking is not normal behavior for orangutans." Really? You could've fooled me, with the smoking gun being Shirley's pictures below and above.

Looks to me like Shirley could take a smoke break and go grab a smoke just as good as any human chain smoker. Monkey see, monkey do -- literally.

Apparently also outside the realm of "normal Orangutan behavior" is other monkey business such as nibbling on garbage -- soda cans, food wrappers, etc. -- as Shirley liked to do as the visitors to her old zoo slowly turned her cage into a giant trash can.

Sounds to me like they may need to put down the peace pipe and take a match to that damn zoo, which is being cited as one of Malaysia's worst. In addition to Shirley being forced to live in what basically amounted to a big garbage dumpster, there are reports of crocodiles living in "water-less enclosures" and tigers living in cages barely big enough for them to fit in.

But getting back to Shirley, I sure as hell would not want to be her zoo handler at the new joint as Shirley tries to kick the habit. Get a load of this recipe for gasper disaster: (1) A wild animal several times stronger than a human; (2) Suddenly deprived of her cancer sticks; (2) Without so much as a good aluminum can or stick of nicotine gum to gnaw on as she goes through nicotine withdrawal.

Given the giant monkey this nicotine fiend will have on her large back, methinks Shirley's gonna be looking to absolutely rip somebody's head off! I just hope she doesn't show some unsuspecting handler a new whole meaning for the phrase, "coffin nails."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2036412/Orangutan-addicted-smoking-cigarettes-thrown-tourists-moved-zoo.html

"Politicos" Postscript: For my thoughts on the 9/12/11 republic partisan debate, here's a link to those:

http://www.tigerboard.com/boards/missouri-tigers.php?message=8859672

Let Me Guess, She Was Cookin' Breast? Buck Naked "Barbie" Doll Babe Caught Grillin' Out in the Buff on Google Street View!

Holey moley, and give me some guacamole with that rack a' lamb! We've seen Google Street View previously pick up some very demented things, such as a man in an animal snout mask, some dead stiffs on the side of the road, and a couple of young punks in England makin' out. But the latest crazy street-side antic make take the cake: A stark-naked hottie on our her porch as she apparently grills up her supper!

Hey, I realize that grilling over a hot flame can be doubly tough in the middle of the summer, especially with the heat and humidity down there Florida way (where this leafless yard chef was captured on camera). But that does not give you the right to peel off all your damn clothes and unveil that birthday day suit to the world! (Not that I'm complaining too much.)

Now, once this bare-ass barbequer got a load of the Google car driving by, don't ya think the natural priority would to take one limb and cover up the bazongas, and then use the other paw to cover up downstairs? BUT NO! Not for this disrobed grill broad. Instead, she goes to cover up her face and nothing else!

I guess that ultimately was the smart play to try to avoid being readily identified and hauled off to the hoosegow on public indecency charges, but who's thinking that far ahead? I wouldn't. So what we got here is a dame who's hot, naked, can cook, and can think on her feet a bit. I'm giving her a call if ever I'm in a need of a good moll.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2035780/Google-Street-View-captures-naked-woman-stood-outside-home.html

Obama in His Stimulus Speech This Week Erroneously Credits Abraham Lincoln with Founding the Internet...

...Al Gore sighs.

The "mainstream" media buries the story in a lock box.

http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2011/09/pbs_alters_transcript_to_hide_obama_gaffe.html

As Cali Hosts "9/11 Conspiracy Movie Festival" this Weekend, I Do Wish the Leftist 20 Percenters Would Just Get Their Damn Story Straight on 9/11!

You may try, but you really can't have it both ways, leftist 20 percenters. Either Bush orchestrated September 11, 2001 AD, or Al Qaeda caused it without any help from Bush. It can't be both. Here are the leftists' two completely inconsistent beliefs about 9/11:

9/11 Cause #1: America Itself

First, many of the leftist 20 percenters say that rather than Bush causing 9/11 to occur, he and the rest of America just got what they deserved that day. We got our Just Comeuppance! Brought right down to size! Al Qaeda was just paying America back for not only overbearing past foreign policy, but also for virtually every bad thing that has ever occurred in American history. Since, after all, America is one of the most diabolical nations in the history of man. We make totalitarian regimes look like the Pope.

And as a result, 9/11 meant it was now time to own up to all of our past transgressions and admit that we deserved just what we got. Words to this effect were told to me by one particular leftist within 24 hours after 9/11 occurred, and I will not forget those words. But was America really to blame for 9/11, or was it instead an annoying little man in an overly tight suit who always had trouble stringing coherent sentences together?

9/11 Cause #2: BUSH!

Second, and in stark contrast: Many leftist 20 percenters (such as former Obama "czar" and self-proclaimed "communist" Van Jones) say that Bush caused 9/11 either by directly orchestrating it or (at a minimum) knowing it was about to occur, and then allowing and welcoming its occurrence.

In a nutshell: Bush caused it VERSUS Bush didn't cause it but instead just got what was coming to him, same as the rest of America. You gotta pick, leftists! Stop straddling the damn fence, already. One or the other. Take your pick. (Said Rooster Cogburn).

http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/politics/Bay-Area-to-Host-911-Conspiracy-Movie-Festival-129494038.html

Never Mind the Bullock: Utah Man Frightens Neighbors By Reportedly Butchering a Damn Cow in His Driveway!

Holy Cow! This story's no bull; rather one big cow-tastrophy: Cops in Ogden, Utah this week were called to a residential neighborhood after receiving an udderly outrageous report of a local man slaughtering a cow out in the front yard in the middle of the afternoon. And now every calf and its mother are having a cow over this whole beef.

The Longhorn of the Law

Cops were called to the home after the mad cowman had started "harvesting the animal" and while "the cow was in the process of losing its head." In short, the man was reportedly "sawing at the animal's neck" as officers arrived. No word whether the man offered cops a few choice hock and jowl cuts while they were there.

The man apparently freely admits until the cows come home that he did, in fact, try to carve up the bovine right there in the driveway. The dispute, however, centers on whether he actually whacked out the critter there at his house or someplace else.

Whose Cowbell You Gonna Believe?

A neighboring family told cops that the male homeowner had transported the live cow to the home in a trailer ride. The neighbors reportedly heard "the cow's audible mooing, followed by what sounded like a gunshot." Then, in an unexpected turn of events, "the mooing stopped."

The family says it quickly snatched all the kids off the street and hoofed it into the house before bringing in the fuzz. The family "suspected something unusual was taking place," said the cops. Now, why this family would become so riled up over a little harmless mooing and gunplay next door, I have no freakin' clue.

Regardless, the homeowner claims he didn't knock off the sacred cow there at the house, but instead bumped it off "outside city limits" before trailering the cow to his home. After all, I would assume, the man probably didn't have ready access to his saws, cleavers and other butchery utensils out there in the pasture.

Will His Meathooks Have to Walk the Final Mile?

If it turns out that the man snuffed out Daisy there in the driveway, he may face charges (and perhaps some hard time in the bullpen) for discharging a firearm inside the city limits. And cops aren't kowtowing from other possible charges, either, which could also transport this meatlover from the slaughterhouse to the big house in two shakes of a heifer's ass.

For example, there may also be a disorderly conduct charge in this domestic butcher's future feed bag -- especially if any of the neighbor's kids "witnessed the butchering and become upset." An animal cruelty charge may also be within the bounds of the stockade, which could really put this meatman out to pasture for awhile to come.

I Hope He Cleaned His Butchers Apron First

The local health department is also apparently in a foul mooood over this whole moo-ha-ha and is looking into the possibility of health code violations. It sounds to me like like they're ready to put this guy's rump roast on the butcherblock faster than a newly fixed steer moves down at the feedlot.

I just hope this sirloin-sawing steak aficionado didn't try to milk this cow for all it's worth by unloading any of those chumpchops to the public. That's because trying to turn this critter into a cash cow would reportedly garner the man a nice fat citation for selling meat without a proper permit.

And that's not even the burnt end of it: There could also be violations relating to the "debris from the slaughter" and the "disposal of the carcass." As they say, all is not butter and methane that comes from the cow.

http://www.standard.net/stories/2011/09/06/police-called-after-man-butchers-cow-his-driveway

Twisted Sister: Old Lady Falls & Dies While Sis & Nephew Allegedly Tell Her to Shut the Hell Up, Then Leave the Dead Lady at Home & Go Out for Pizza!

And that was only the tip of this demented iceberg. In addition to cursing at Auntie and heading to the pizza parlor instead of taking Auntie to the funeral parlor, Sis and Nephew also found time to allegedly hide Auntie from a nurse, deprive her of food, and even (ultimately) turn her into a damn mummy! (Link to full story at bottom).

The Sickness

This sordid tale began when Auntie (70-year-old Mary Coleman of Madison, Wisconsin) got sick on May 6, 2011 AD. That was a problem, you see, since Auntie's damn pesky sickness conflicted with that day's birthday for Nephew (45-year-old Steven King -- a different horror show than the famous writer).

Specifically, the birthday boy reportedly told cops that he and Sis (71-year-old Veronica King) "wouldn't take [Auntie] to the doctor because it was his birthday."

And apparently the birthday celebration continued on the next day, when Nephew and Sis allegedly "hid [sick Auntie] from a nurse who visited" the home. That's when all hell broke loose.

The Fall

Auntie reportedly took her bad fall right after the nurse left the house. Auntie's doc says the old woman wouldn't have died if Sis and Nephew would have taken her to the hospital after her fall. However, that particular course of action just didn't seem to fit on their very full calendars in the two days that followed.

In lieu of medical treatment, the compassionate Sis Veronica, "as her sister lay dying," reportedly gave the fallen old lady "only liquids and not foods." And the old woman wouldn't just shut up already!

Auntie reportedly laid there on the floor, "talking now and then." Said Sis: "I told her quite frankly to shut up!"

The Death (and the Pizzeria)

When Auntie finally keeled over on May 9, Sis and Nephew still reportedly had difficulties blocking out any time for Auntie on their busy schedules. And Auntie's demise sure as hell wasn't going to get in the way of them stuffin' some greasy eats down their pieholes (allegedly)!

Sis reportedly told cops that she and Nephew "didn't call to have [Auntie's] body removed 'because we had other things to do that day.' " Moreover, they allegedly "decided there was nothing they could do about it and went out for pizza"!

The Mummification

While it's not clear if it happened at the pizza parlor or somewhere else, right about this time Sis and Nephew allegedly hatched a little scheme to take full advantage of Auntie croaking. First they allegedly hid Auntie's corpse down in the basement before later stashing it away in a big plastic bag in the garage.

There Auntie's body stayed for months while Sis allegedly rifled through Auntie's bank account -- in which Auntie's "pension and Social Security payments were automatically deposited."

Three months later, a concerned friend of Auntie called cops to the house, where cops reportedly smelled the stench of death on the joint. They found Auntie's bag in the garage, where Sis and Nephew had reportedly turned Auntie into a damn Mummy!

The Aftermath

Cops say they believe that Nephew Steven is mentally deranged, although I personally find that one very difficult to believe. Regardless, he and Sis may now have to cook up their own recipe for hoosegow pizza, since I see a big buffet of bread and water in their foreseeable futures.

That's because cops have busted them on a plastic bag full a' charges that include reckless homicide, "hiding a corpse," bank fraud, and abuse of Auntie.

But Sis and Nephew's date with the big house, of course, is conditioned upon the whole affair squaring with their hectic personal schedules. I hear Nephew may have a brief opening in February, but forget about May 6 -- total non-starter.

http://host.madison.com/wsj/news/local/crime_and_courts/article_b90795de-246c-5e96-8165-a46f9feb6a9b.html

I Wonder What the Scalpers Outside Will Be Asking: Arizona to Charge Admission If You Want to Visit Your Family Member Down in the Hoosegow...

What's next? A service charge before you'll be allowed entry into the morgue to identify a stiff?

It's amazing to me the life-or-death resistance from a loudmouthed, non-majority portion of the American population when it comes to getting state and federal budgets and debt under control through the obvious solution -- cut the damn spending! (And that, BTW, AIN'T some right-wing principle. Rather it's a common sense one, upon which the majority of American Independents are completely onboard).

Instead, the solution from that non-majority group is always the same: "Raise revenues." Translation: Tax, charge and impose fees on anything that moves, exists, whimpers or shits (so that spending can just continue to grow). And now the State of Arizona is taking that principle to all new lows.

Whatever you do, don't get tossed in the joint down Arizona way. Because that might be the last time you see your family until your bit's up. Arizona is now making family members of cons buy a $25 ticket in order to visit them in the can. (I'm just wondering how man C-notes they charge for a conjugal? And can an extra $50 get you a special VIP seat?)

One woman whose brother is locked in an Arizona freezer told the New York Times that the new fee -- even though allegedly "one time" in nature -- is going to be one tough ticket since the travel costs of visiting the big house are already a financial strain in these rotten economic times. "People will just stop visiting," the woman said.

And I can only imagine that there's nothing more constructive for a con than to be completely locked away from his family for years on end. He's making all those wonderful new friends on the inside, after all.

Probably the most despicable aspect of this rotten story is the completely disingenuous pretext under which the State of Arizona has imposed the new ticket system. This phony pretext almost makes George W. Bush's baloney about "weapons of mass destruction" seem palpable:

Arizona is calling the new ticket system a "background check fee." Sounds nice. Only problem? When pressed, one state bureaucrat actually admitted that the money won't go towards any "background checks" at all.

Instead, the state intends to use the money to help make up a $1.6 billion state budget deficit. That means sticking the dough in some general fund that might be used for prison upkeep -- or just about any other damn thing the state ultimately wants, if you read between the lines. But they're still gonna call it a "background check fee" even though nary a "background check" will actually be performed. Slimeballs.

And coming back full circle to my idea at the top about a morgue identification fee: I wonder what they'll call that one once they get around to imposing it? No doubt something like a "He's Already Dead But We Paid for the Bed" fee. But one time only!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2033887/Anger-Arizona-prisons-charge-visitors-25-inmates-help-plug-budget-shortfall.htmlhttp://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2033887/Anger-Arizona-prisons-charge-visitors-25-inmates-help-plug-budget-shortfall.html

More democrat party Lessons in Civility: Teamsters' Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Tells Obama to Enlist Hoffa's Forces to "Take Out" Obama's Political Opponents...

Teamsters president Hoffa was reportedly tasked Monday with "warming up the crowd" for a speech by Obama in Detroit. And what better way to conjure up a little crowd enthusiasm than a good call to arms or two, not to mention some nice over-the-top rhetoric that could be easily construed as a call for violent action against people who don't agree with Obama and the democrat party agenda.

Specifically, Hoffa told those in attendance that "we like a good fight" and need to go to "war," calling for Obama to enlist Hoffa's "army" of Teamsters members to "march" and "take out" the "sons of bitches" such as the right-winger republic partisans and tea partiers who disagree with Obama and democrat party interests.

But therein lies the trap that Obama might want to avoid falling into. Obama's 2012 AD reelection team has previously declared a solitary focus upon a strategy to "kill" Mitt Romney or whomever the republic partisan nominee is.

Thus, if Obama and the leftist 20 percenters shift their focus now and change horses in midstream to the much broader focus of "taking out" all "sons of bitches" who oppose or disagree with them, then they may just overextend themselves in the process (and even sweep onto their enemies list many of those damn pesky Independents).

Napoleon in 1812 AD (not to mention the Roman Empire earlier and others later whom I will not name specifically) historically learned the same lesson only too late: You can't carry out a good death wish against the entire universe of dissent, after all, without first shoring up the earthly demise of all the opponents who are immediately in front of you. That, and those Russian winters (which always start in early November) can be particularly harsh.

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2011/09/05/jimmy_hoffa_at_obama_event_on_gop_lets_take_these_son_of_bitches_out.html

Labor Day Lunacy: Australia Bans Term "BC" From Schoolbooks Because It Refers to Christ. How Long for American Leftist 20 Percenters to Think of This?

...I'll give them about five minutes. Oh, and for good measure, Australia has also banned the term "AD" in schoolbooks since the demented country apparently views that term as a veiled reference to Christ. Can't have that, now can we?

And get a load of the stupid-ass politically correct replacements for these centuries-old terms: In Australia, years preceding the birth of Christ will now be referred to as "Before Common Era" (or BCE) and years following Christ's birth will be referenced as "Common Era" (CE). Does that mean that September 11, 2001 AD never really occurred?

I personally would have gone with Bullshit (BS) and Cow Dung (CD) as the replacement terms, but who listens to me. Plus, when it comes to the ridiculous terms that were chosen, we are talking about penal colony descendants over there. Not to mention, there is a small silver lining to all this leftist kookiness. Because it gives me an idea:

I love using terms that people don't want me to use. And since the leftists apparently have a problem with "BC" and "AD," I'm going to make a point henceforth to start referring to dates and years on this blog with an "AD" suffix. To the Aussie embeciles: You can stick that one on your barbie and smoke it until the Year 2525 AD for all I care.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2033225/Australia-goes-PC-ban-BC-Birth-Jesus-removed-reference-point-dates-school-history-books.html

Holy Pop a' Shot: Paintball Blast Causes a Woman's Fake Boob to Explode!

What's worse? Getting busted by a high-speed paintball right in the jowels or having your fake bust busted instead? I'm posing this inquiring to a 26-year-old British woman who just experienced such a rack impact this week. At least the other fake knocker is still intact.

In what's being described as an "unusual risk" attendant to playing paintball, the woman's fake jug reportedly "exploded after she was hit in the chest by a paintball, which can travel at 190 mph." (Link to full story at bottom)

The incident is thought to be a "first of its kind" -- at least on the other side of the pond -- although it come on the heels of another European story previously covered in this space concerning a snake that died after puncturing a woman's fake boobie with its fang and swallerin' a big snout full a' silicon (pic below/link at bottom). Bad thing for a snake.

As for the paintball broad, she had to seek medical treatment and is reportedly resting herself and her collapsed balcony at home this weekend. I just hope some slippery serpeant doesn't come calling for the other fake fun bag.

Meantime the "UK Paintball" association says it's all over this case like a tight bra on a big set of fake melons. The organization's website is imploring all future paintball participants to fess up if they have fake cans so that they can "be given special information on the dangers of paintballing with enhanced boobs and [they'll be asked] to sign a disclaimer."

They'll also be getting some special bosom armor, as the organization promises to "issue extra padding to protect your implants while paintballing."

The British incident has also apparently caused new concerns that some woman view their fake honkers as some sort of indestructible cushion against everything the world might throw at them. This follows a shooting victim in Cali whose "implant kept the bullet fragments from reaching her heart and vital organs." But don't be fooled, experts say -- just ask the babe in Britain.

And as one firearms instructor with the LAPD advised: "I don't want to say a boob job is the equivalent of a bulletproof vest. So don't go getting breast enhancements as a means to deflect a possible incoming bullet."

Fair enough. But how are the fake dirty pillows at deflecting sword thrusts and railroad spike stabbings? That, seems to me, is the real question here.

Regardless, the notorious LA Times says there is a "moral of this story": "If you absolutely have to get breast implants, avoid any potentially high-impact activities." So paintball's out. But what if the fake bazongas do windows?

http://www.latimes.com/health/boostershots/la-heb-breast-impant-paintball-explode-woman-20110901,0,4599850.story
http://independentrage.blogspot.com/2011/03/thats-gotta-smart-snake-dies-of.html