They are the new Swiss Army Knives for the current rotten age (links below): Smartphone cases that not only protect your phone, but also your sorry hide, by allowing you to hack up another man with a knife, blind him with a blast of pepper spray, and electrocute him with 650,000 volts. All at your immediate fingertips. Suave.
But being the prickly consumer that I am, they're gonna have to toss in just a few more special features and sweeten the deal if they want me to plop down a couple of C-notes for their pint-sized arsenal. Some suggestions to Yellow Jacket for further enhancements (in no particular order):
-An anthrax pouch: Sure you'll probably contaminate yourself -- but just wait'll ya see the other guy.
-A shot of castor oil: It'll cure almost anything that ails ya. One way or the other.
-A dinner fork, given its high-level multi-tasking abilities in terms of both an eating utensil and a nifty foreign object that can gouge a creep's forehead before he ever knows what hits him.
-Deer antler spray: You'll fly right under the radar at that next random drug test!
-A "Give Me All Your Money" ticker tape strand: Ideal for both bank jobs and assorted street stick-ups. Combine with the fork.
-A pinch of Vaseline: Nothing's more lubricating and soothing for a bad pair of chapped lips.
-A corkscrew (or, alternatively, a good grappling hook): Ever try to get your cheap wine on without one?
-Agent Orange mist: You just never know when the need may arise to defoliate some pesky timber overgrowth.
-A squirt of Go Chicken Go's special red sauce: That chicken joint never gives me enough of that stuff with my gizzards.
-A mustard gas pellet: Cross the red line, use this baby on someone's ass, and watch Vladimir Putin take Obama to school all over again in the aftermath.
http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/09/09/seen-at-11-calling-up-a-weapon-on-your-smartphone/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2417021/Dont-text-bro-New-defensive-weapon-smartphone-cases-feature-stun-guns-pepper-spray-concealed-knives.html
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