Thursday, May 5, 2011

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting! Those Stewardesses Were Fast As Lightning! But Need to Be Faster to Stop Slimeballs from Groping Them (Allegedly)...

If you happen to be a slimeball lout who likes to go around bullying and abusing women, then you probably want to avoid traveling on Hong Kong Airlines -- since them stewardesses be Kung Fu Fightin' like it was 1974! "Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee, Dee-Dee-Dee, Dee-Dee"!

And hopefully British Airways will be the next airline to go chop shop after an incident from the past week where just such a lout (allegedly) completely ran amok on a stewardess (read on)...

If You Don't Like Me Using that Song, Then You Can Go F*ck Yourself

First, we need a little Prefatory section: I've heard that the Political Correctness Police have recently been all over "Kung Fu Fighting" -- a #1 hit for one-hit wonder Carl Douglas in the fall of 1974.

The song was inspired by the "chopsocky film craze" of the time and utilized a so-called "Oriental Riff" ("Dee-Dee-Dee..."), not to mention lyrics with references to such things as "Chinamen," "Billy Chen" and "little Sammy Chong." Frankly, I've always found the tune to be fairly annoying and forgettable, but one thing's for sure: Once you've heard it, it'll stick in your damn head for at least a day, sort of like a "White Trash Millionaire." (My pleasure, BTW).

Apparently the "Oriental Riff" and lyrics rub some tiny minority of the population the wrong way, leading them to try to impose their will on all the rest of us in terms of what language we can use, which songs we can listen to, etc. (i.e. the very definition of political correctness in most instances).

This bullshit played out recently in Great Britain, where a lounge singer named Simon Ledger was arrested and now faces charges for playing "Kung Fu Fighting" at a bar and "causing offence to a passing man of Chinese origin." (As the linked column aptly puts it: What's next? "Walk Like an Egyptian"? "Turning Japanese"?).

Well, I got news for ya: This ain't Britain (which has no First Amendment) and it sure as hell ain't China! "Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee, Dee-Dee-Dee, Dee-Dee"!

Besides, no one is more politically correct than me as a general proposition. So let's talk about them hot stewardesses!

They Be as "Funky as Chinamen Billy Chin and Little Sammy Chong"!

Hong Kong Airlines has had an ongoing problem with "drunk and unruly" passengers, having to deal (on average) with several incidents involving such passengers every week. So what to do, the airline asked. Solution: Teach the stewardesses how the karate chop the holy hell of people! What other solution would they possibly come up with?!

So the airline has made it mandatory for all stewardesses to take kung fu lessons -- in particular, the "wing chun form of kung fu used in close-range combat." And it's not like they're having to drag these Treats of the Tarmac kickin' and screamin' down to the the ol' dojo for lessons.

Almost to a stewardess, these babes are reportedly "getting a real kick out of it." They're even using the gimmick in a new airline commercial:

22-year-old Lumpy Tang, for example, is one stewardess who's been really struck by the notion of being a part of "the world's deadliest cabin crew." Lumpy Tang says she "now feels much more confident going about her duties while airborne." "We really like wing chun," Lumpy Tang raved.

On an aside note, all of this talk has really made me thirsty. I wish LT were here right now so that I could order the stewardess to bring me a Tang with two lumps and hold the cream. But I digress.

Now They Can "Give Violent Conduct the Elbow" AND Push Drunken Fatasses Around!

This was fast: One stewardess has reportedly "already put some of her new-found Bruce Lee skills into action on a flight from Beijing to Hong Kong." But it's not what you might think. It didn't involve Lumpy Tang chopping a bunch of lumps into some jerk's mush or going Kwai Chang Caine on someone's ass. Nothing like that.

Instead, the stewardess credited her improved fitness from the kung fu lessons for helping her attend to and move around some big fat drunken tub of goo passenger who was sick. Said a stewardess spokeswoman:

"Normally, a female cabin crew can't handle a fat guy, especially if he's drunk, but because of the [kung fu] training, she can handle it quite easily."

So with their training in hand, these karate-choppin', leg-thrustin' ladies of the sky are now off "on a wing chun and a prayer," ready to either pound or assist the next fat f*ck drunk passenger they encounter -- depending on the situation.

And maybe some of the Hong Kong stewardesses can "walk the earth like Caine on Kung Fu" and transfer over to British Airwaves -- where they're really needed...

The Scumjob Stuck His Grubby Paws Right Up Her Skirt (Allegedly)!

This "cat" was a "little bit frightening": Some total sleazewad lout (allegedly) named Iurii Chumak really had a field day late last week on a British Airways flight from London to New York. This slime (allegedly) first got the flight off to a roaring start by chugging from a bottle of Dewar's whiskey and really lighting in to his wife through a string of verbal abuse.

But then, apparently, one of the flight's stewardesses caught his evil eye. After the stewardess poured Chumak some coffee, she turned away from him and "bent over slightly" to pour coffee for another passenger across the aisle. And that's when all hell broke loose.

The FBI says this scuzbucket Chumak (allegedly) then stuck his meat hooks right up the stewardess' skirt, "grabbed her genital area," and "began to run his fingers back and forth," like some kind S&M freak.

A different "flight attendant" (what's that, precisely? -- I guess that means stewardess) reportedly saw what was going down and immediately slapped "restraints" on Chumak.

Now this genital gropin' creep (allegedly) may have to find new uses for his hands in the local freezer. He faces federal criminal charges, although apparently only misdemeanor ones at this point.

I just wish Lumpy Tang would have been on that flight to chop that invasive hand right off that sleaze Chumak (allegedly). Then he could get one of those hooks-for-a-hand and hopefully sit on his hands in the can and listen to "Kung Fu Fighting" for a long time to come.

"Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee, Dee-Dee-Dee, Dee-Dee"!